Ranking the Cast of Destiny 2 by How Much of a Podcaster They Are

15. Cayde-6

Cayde has never heard of a podcast. He thinks “MBMBaM” is a cool new catch phrase to shout when he does a flip or executes a bunch of prisoners. When he has to use a computer his first instinct is to karate chop it like Shadow the Hedgehog. Also, he’s dead.

14. Banshee-44

Banshee-44 has not only never made a podcast, he has never even considered making one. However, he does listen to Rogan religiously.

13. Calus

Too busy writing erotic friendfiction to make a podcast.

12. Saladin

If you try to ask him about podcasts, a grim pall comes over him and he grimly shakes his head. “Podcasts,” he grimly replies, “we didn’t have podcasts back in the days of the Warlords. All we had were our weapons and each other. And now all I have are my weapons. My memories. And The Flophouse.”

11. Petra Venj

Too important to record a podcast but subscribes to half a dozen shows about dogs. Will kill you without hesitation if you reveal this fact to anyone.

More Destiny 2:

10. Shaxx

Yells at sports commentators on the radio and doesn’t understand why they never respond.

9. Sloane

Who?

8. Devrim Kay

Listens to ancient archival recordings of BBC or something. I don’t know. Is this even a good premise.

7. Zavala

After being told at a party that he has a great voice for radio, Zavala went out and bought a Blue Yeti and has been talking about doing a podcast ever since. He has yet to record a single episode.

6. Spider

Has a podcast but nobody knows what it’s about because it’s paywalled and hosted on a proprietary service.

5. Drifter

Currently involved in a hugely successful podcast network startup which will implode in six months after a New York Times exposé revealing that the entire thing was a scam to get free underwear and mattresses from sponsors.

4. Ikora

Not everyone who has a podcast is trying to make it big. Ikora has been recording a weekly show about her favorite French films for the past two years and has never sought out funding. She has just under thirty subscribers, one of whom is overly familiar on social media but the only person who sends in questions for her listener mail segment.

3. Savathun

Driven by her worm to understand the deepest secrets of the universe, Savathun of course hosts a prestige investigative podcast. Who is the man with the Golden Gun? What is the true nature of the Nine? And what happened to H. Jon Benjamin’s Radio Voice guy? By the dread might of Savathun the Witch-Queen, you will tune in each week to find out.

2. Ana Bray

Runs a podcast with surprisingly high production values using top-of-the-line consumer equipment and a carefully-managed Libsyn feed. Covers light news and pop culture, with frequent diversions into personal life and the everyday challenges of being roommates with an omniscient military AI. Rasputin occasionally guests to opine on the nature of freedom and the encroaching darkness threatening to consume all things.

1. Master Rahool

Have you seen this guy? If you’ve ever accidentally stood next to him while checking your inventory, you know how in love with the sound of his own voice he is. Lines like “The mystery is the thing. You never know what you’re going to find,” seem tailor made for ad spots. The show itself is what Rahool calls a “deep, data-driven dive into the issues of the day.” It airs daily and each episode is three hours long. He signs off every episode with his classic catchphrase “Remain vigilant, Guardian. We may never be as safe as we think.” Nobody in the Tower has ever listened to an entire episode.

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merritt k

Features & Trending Editor

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