With its own host of diners, drive-ins, and deep-sea dives, FFXIV‘s Crystal data center is brimming with eccentric housing ventures. The data center has a long-standing reputation as the place to be for all things roleplaying. It’s hard to imagine what Yoshi-P expected players to cook up when the game launched; I suspect that Goblin’s own Catgirl Hooters was not on his bingo card, and yet, its presence has arguably reshaped the FFXIV roleplaying landscape.

Catgirl Hooters’ swift rise to popularity started a “chain” reaction of other real-life fast food restaurants retooled as player hangouts. Mainstays like Halonic Hooters and Waffle House quickly became staples of the Eorzean nightlife on Crystal. As the trend continued, one small group of creatives paid close attention from the shadows. Together, they put their meat to the grinder — sorry, their noses to the grindstone — to create a mew-nique, unforgettable experience.

“We wanted to make a shitpost venue that pretended to be normal upstairs and have a dark secret,” says Priyanka Samsara, one of the core creators behind Catgirl Arby’s. “[The] idea… was to lure people downstairs to lock in cages and kill for ‘the meat’… and we just ran with it.”

Catgirl Arby’s was no mere pedestrian watering hole. It was many things: a cinematic, cage-bound thriller, a wretched den of rust and cruelty, and a roleplaying experience that only an MMO could provide. Most of all, it was an industrious factory where enterprising Miqo’te women harvested customer meat for their ever-growing menu. And we absolutely love to see a girlboss winning.

Image courtesy of @SilviusUmbrius.

Alas, every empire is one day destined to fall (just ask the Allagans) — Catgirl Arby’s became something of an urban legend after its disappearance near the release of Endwalker. Catboi Bathwater of Zalera was kind enough to recount his visit for my investigation. “They turned my friend into a burger… and my character kept drinking the sauce,” he said. “It was the most unhinged and fun place.”

The friend, now liquified and transformed into a burger, could not respond to requests for comment by time of publication.

After a week of collecting tips and sending out carrier Chocobos, I was able to track down a mysterious second Catgirl Arby’s location in Zalera’s Shirogane. As luck would have it, this location is owned by Crystal’s own Priyanka Samsara, one of the brand’s original founders.

“I was the primary butcher, [the] ‘Demon Butcher of Arby’s.’ I had a lot of fun doing the comedic wholesale butchering of willing participants… I think Pri’s [body] count was close to 100 last year,” Priyanka recounts, reminiscing fondly about the heydays of the venue. “However, this year, Pri was mostly upstairs intentionally messing up people’s orders and violating health codes left and right, and verbally abusing customers.”

Page 6 from the Catgirl Arby’s guestbook, courtesy of Priyanka Samsara.

“When [Endwalker] dropped we closed shop… we felt like we ran the joke dry,” says Priyanka of the venue’s disappearance. “But then one day, we decided to turn my personal estate into the newest version because I wasn’t using it for anything special.”

As of now, the Shirogane location is a Catgirl Arby’s in name only. Inside, one can find the cyberpunk-themed bar Cyberia, Priyanka’s latest business venture. She assures us, however, that while “Catgirl Arby’s is closed down for now, it doesn’t mean the fun is over… it’ll likely come back soon.” In the meantime, why not kick back with a little Synth-Dreamweed from Cyberia’s secret menu?

When asked to leave a parting message for her fans, Priyanka grinned.

“We’re glad we could meat you!”

Chasing Catgirl Arby's in Final Fantasy XIV

Tracking down a legendary roleplay venue; where is she now?

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