If Emet-Selch, Architect of the Ascians, Whose True Name Is Hades Was Your Boyfriend

An ode to the skunk and/or rat man of FFXIV.

If Emet-Selch, architect of the Ascians, whose true name is Hades was your boyfriend, you could always improve your self-esteem with the knowledge that you’re likely a better person than him. Because he’s kind of a really terrible one.

If Emet-Selch was your boyfriend, you’ll never need to worry about going grey, because he’s already done it. His hair used to be entirely grey before he dyed most of it burgundy, save for a single streak. It’s an extremely questionable (but endearing) aesthetic choice at best and makes him look like a skunk at worst.

If he was your boyfriend, you wouldn’t have to worry about trying new things with your look because you’ll always look better. He’d let you boop his Garlean third eye thing on his forehead that apparently gives him ~superior spatial recognition~ but is really just yet another thing in a line of scattershot aesthetic choices.

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If Emet-Selch was your boyfriend, he’d tell you that you’re Different and Special because, unlike every other person in this world, he doesn’t want you dead. He wants to kill everyone else to bring back his people from the dead. But not you. You’re Not Like Other Non-Ascians.

Speaking of you, he’d definitely enjoy watching You on Netflix together. He’d enjoy discussing how horrible Joe Goldberg is before checking in on his plans for world domination and the eradication of all current sentient life. Unlike Joe, he isn’t a misogynist. He doesn’t discriminate by gender in who he wants to kill, after all; it’s everyone who isn’t an Ascian. Again, except for you.

Emet Selch FFXIV

If Emet-Selch was your boyfriend, it means you don’t bore him, which is quite a compliment from an immortal that has overseen nearly all of recorded history. According to him, this is the worst sin in the world. Not his genocidal plans or disdain for the living world as it is today — but boring him. But you? You’re pure, just like his devotion to Zodiark, the embodiment of darkness.

If Emet-Selch was your boyfriend, how dedicated he is to restoring Zodiark might become a source of conflict. After all, it’s part of what led to the great sundering that resulted in the singular world of FFXIV being fractured into 14 parallel universes. But know that it’s okay. They say bitches ain’t loyal, but Emet-Selch is not bitches. He just has a slight workaholic problem. It’s nothing a healthy couple can’t work through.

But he’s not all work! If he was your boyfriend, all your lazy habits would be enabled. You don’t think he does all the work of putting on that heavy robe himself every day, do you? He just snaps his fingers and calls it a day. He can do that for you, too — for cooking, cleaning, dressing, undressing, transportation, feeding your pets, cleaning after your pets; the possibilities are endless. Get you a man who can do both (by which I mean literally anything via nearly omnipotent magical powers).

If Emet-Selch, architect of the Ascians, whose true name is Hades was your boyfriend, you’d finally achieve your dream of getting a rodent as your pet. There’s no need for hamsters or rats when you have a rat man of your own. In the wise words of Rihanna: a rat is a rat. And I love the awful rat man.

Emet Selch FFXIV