Jessica Andrade: A Review

Jessica Andrade is a decorated former champion going for new gold this weekend at UFC 261. She is also fantastic.

After capturing and losing the strawweight title, Jessica Andrade will get another shot at UFC gold when she faces off against flyweight champion Valentina Shevchenko at UFC 261 this Saturday.

Andrade is the underdog — an understandable status considering that Shevchenko, who hasn’t lost to anyone not named Amanda Nunes since 2011, is also rumored to be a post-human specimen scientifically engineered with the purpose of making the rest of us look dumb — but we at Fanbyte are not here to discuss such technicalities. Yes, winning UFC titles is cool, but it is still not quite as cool as winning what Andrade has already won: Our hearts.

That, of course, is a lie. Belts are very cool. They can spruce up any room. They’re great conversation starters. They’re shiny and pretty. Our stupid hearts are none of that. They clog and beat funny sometimes. They’re frankly quite a hassle. Nevertheless, Andrade has them, and to celebrate this ultimately worthless but well-meaning achievement we have prepared a brief review of Andrade, the human hug.

9.7

Pros
  • Great hair
  • Immaculate eyebrows
  • Sincere & captivating smile
  • Loves dogs
  • Loves cats
  • Loves birds
  • Proud of her roots
  • Says she wants to be remembered as "awesome, funny and a lesbian” and honestly what an icon
  • Has yet to say something horrible that we know of
  • The power of 37 Carolina Reaper peppers meets baby seals, puppy bellies and an afternoon nap after a warm day at the beach
  • Farm strength
  • Wins a lot (aspirational)
  • Loses sometimes (relatable)
  • Married to a Fernanda (demonstrably a name given to outstanding humans only)
  • Would probably offer to help you move and actually mean it
  • Would probably offer to drive you to the airport and mean it
  • Would probably ask to look at the boring pictures of your boring baby and mean it
  • Same basic constitution of a Powerpuff Girl, but with the chaotic energy of a rhinoceros beetle
  • Not shy about expressing herself through the timeless art of dance
Cons
  • Makes us sad when she loses
  • Has yet to demonstrate interest in overtaking all existing power structures and kindly leading us into a humane and equitable society
  • Has yet to demonstrate interest in taking part in a cloning experiment that leads to the creation of an army of several unarmed Jessica Andrades who help keep the peace by spreading kindness and joie de vivre only
  • Theoretically made of the same decaying human matter as the rest of us
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