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What the Video Game Monster Girl of Your Dreams Says About You

Learn more about your monstrous crush, and yourself... before they crush you back.

Monstrous women are nothing new to video games, and neither is being madly in love with them. I mean, come on! What’s not to love? There really is a ghoulish girl out there for everyone these days. But what’s yet to be explored is how that love reflects on who we are as people. Never fear! A master monster fucker is here to remedy that sad fact. Read on to see what your creepy crush says about you.

Silent Hill Nurse

Nurse – Silent Hill

Hellooooooooo, nurse!

Turn ons: Playing doctor.

Turn offs: Twunks in bulletproof vests; comprehensive healthcare systems.

What she says about you: You’re what the kids call “basic.” Sure, you’re stretching beyond the ordinary — you’re not quite vanilla, but it’s clear you’re not exactly the adventurous type. You want a bit of danger, a light jaunt outside the norm, but you’re not ready to stray too far outside your comfort zone. You’re a fan of the classics; you probably really like the original Star Wars trilogy.

The Mother Dragon Age

The Mother – Dragon Age: Origins Awakening

You may not be one of the Children, but you’re more than ready to call her “mommy.”

Turn ons: Parental instinct; a good old fashioned fortress assault.

Turn offs: Turning down the music; literally any mention of The Architect.

What she says about you: A person of taste, I see. You’ve got a penchant for people who are maybe a little unstable. Red flags might as well be a trail of rose petals to the bedroom as far as you’re concerned. You have a compulsive need to help people, even when they don’t want to help themselves, and it usually goes about as well you’d expect.

Chaos Witch Quelaag

Chaos Witch Quelaag – Dark Souls

To quote the illustrious Harley Quinn: “that’s childhood trauma right there.” Quelaag hasn’t had an easy time of life, but maybe you could quell her flames to a warm glow.

Turn ons: Being nice to her sister.

Turn offs: Cold weather; any kind of bug spray; particularly plucky Chosen Undead.

What she says about you: Artsy, tortured types are your Kryptonite, and a brooding smolder will get your goat every single time. You love someone who seems cold, but will open up and reveal their sad backstory just for you. In your book, damage = depth, and Quelaag might as well be an ocean, but you’re more than ready to plumb her depths.

Bloody Mary Wolf Among Us

Bloody Mary – The Wolf Among Us

This girl is a monster in more ways than one. She’s the Crooked Man’s vicious right hand, but you’re just looking for an opening to hold her’s.

Turn ons: Intense, unprovoked violence; scaring children.

Turn offs: Having any semblance of a moral compass.

What she says about you: Your greatest goal in life is to be a goth gf, whether you’ve succeeded or not remains to be seen. You’re probably really into punk, metal, or both. Your collection of bulky costume jewelry is extensive, and you never go out without at least a little black in your wardrobe. You’re not afraid to admit that you like it rough, and you’re not above a little humiliation. Submit and give this bloody babe your heart, before she tears it out herself.

Dragon Age Desire Demon

Desire Demon – Dragon Age: Origins

This wicked temptress has offered a deal, and who are you to refuse?

Turn ons: Tricking foolish mages into giving her her way.

Turn offs: Meddling Grey Wardens.

What she says about you: You’re a sucker for a pretty face and a rockin’ bod. Some might say you’re a bit shallow, but you just know what you like, and getting your way is pretty high on your priority list. Shame? You don’t know her. You’re bold, maybe even an exhibitionist, and happiest when you’re in the spotlight. Impulse control has never been your strong suit, and there’s a good chance you’re a bit of a hedonist. Live fast, die young, amirite?

Mary Vampyr

Mary Reid – Vampyr

She may have died twice, but you’re the one feeling breathless.

Turn ons: Blood drives.

Turn offs: Talking about her brother; returning to the grave.

What she says about you: You like girls who are emotionally unavailable because they can’t get over their ex. You’re a people pleaser who just wants a little validation, but you’ll never measure up to the ghosts of partners past. Gothic aesthetics tickle your fancy, and you probably own more than a few ornately gilded crosses. You might be a bit of an armchair therapist, ready to assess the past trauma of all those close to you, but how else are you going to get those juicy citizen hints?

Rat Queen Layers of Fear

The Rat Queen – Layers of Fear

You can’t help falling in love with her, time after time…you know, on account of the whole time loop… thing.

Turn ons: Watching tortured creatives fail over and over again.

Turn offs: Actors; mousetraps.

What she says about you: You’re a freak — straight up. Your pain tolerance is at an all time high, and your self preservation instinct is at an all time low. Hallucinogens have probably played a significant role in your life at one point or another. You’re not much of an extrovert, preferring to keep your cards close to your chest and make moves behind the scenes, but occasionally you’ll ride the wave of a random impulse if the vibe is right. Join her for a romantic cruise you’ll never disembark.

Banshee Mass Effect

Banshee – Mass Effect

Some may call it a “horrible, unnerving wail,” but all you hear is your own personal siren song.

Turn ons: Sapping a partner’s life force in the midst of an evening of passion.

Turn offs: Incendiary bullets.

What she says about you: You’re not looking for a girlfriend, you’re looking for someone to ruin your life. Self-destruction is your favorite pastime, put a bad decision in front of you and you’ll take it every time. Chances are you’ve never been in a real relationship, or at least not one that’s lasted longer than a few months. You’re constantly chasing the adrenaline high of excitement that comes from danger, to hell with the consequences. You’d rather die than be bored, and if she has her way, you will!

About the Author

Ty Galiz-Rowe

Ty is your friendly neighborhood Certified Monster Fucker and unapologetic thembo. Catch them wondering why they still live in Colorado despite having zero hiking pics on their tinder profile.