I feel like WWE really wastes the opportunity that Summerslam presents to celebrate summer vibes. Like, do you remember the Marvel swimsuit issues? WWE could do something like that for Summerslam where they have all the competitors modeling the latest summer looks. I can’t make that happen for you, but what I can do is put together a trendy summer outfit for each announced Summerslam match… and that’s exactly what I did. (There’s still match context and predictions, but like, also some cute and bold looks.)
Roman Reigns hasn’t had a match announced yet, but Daniel Bryan’s large friend Rowan hit him with a car, so there’s a good chance that will be addressed. Hopefully we can also expect some more 24/7 Championship mishegas. Weirdly enough, as of Sunday morning, there have been no tag team matches announced for this show.
Finn Bálor vs “The Fiend” Bray Wyatt
Background: Way back in 2017, Bálor was set to face Bray Wyatt at TLC, except I guess Bray Wyatt was wearing a dress and being Sister Abigail. And Finn was going to be a pumpkin man? Anyways that was the show where they had to change everything because so many people got meningitis and the mumps, so the match never happened. Now Finn is mad that the Fiend keeps attacking people, and Bray Wyatt wants to prove Finn is scared of him. This is Bray Wyatt’s first match since debuting his kids show host character.
Prediction: Wyatt wins
The Look: SPOOKY SEXY BEACH GOTH Throw a vintage Slipknot tee ($10-$100 on eBay) over a risqué black bikini (like this $35 Fashion Nova number) for a sexy goth beach vibe that even the most devious nu metal clown can enjoy! A black flatform sandal (like the Dr. Martens Clarissa II Sandals, $125) completes the outfit with an an on-trend austerity that’s also totally sensible in case you need to run away from any murderous puppets.
Cruiserweight Championship: Drew Gulak (c) vs Oney Lorcan
Background: Drew Gulak, the new ruler of 205 Live takes on NXT, NXT UK and 205 Live’s Oney Lorcan on the Summerslam Preshow. If you aren’t familiar with Lorcan, he’s a Boston dude who once broke his hand punching a car because he was mad at the car for flipping while he was trying to drive it around a baseball field. His Twitter is a mandatory follow:
I AM NOT BOOKED FOR ANY MEET AND GREETS OR PUBLIC APPEARANCES IN TORONTO I HAVE ONLY BEEN BOOKED ON SUNDAY TO KICK ASS UNTIL THEN I WILL FIND A PARK BENCH TO SLEEP UNDER AND PREPARE FOR MY FIGHT
— ONEY LORCAN (@_StarDESTROYER) August 9, 2019
The Look: NO-FRILLS SHORT KING MURDERER When you find yourself in a brawl this summer, be more like these two sartorial minimalists and forgo clothes entirely. You don’t need them! Still, it’s only responsible to protect your feet. Grab a pair of combat boots (like these vegan 1490s from Dr. Martens, $150) and you’re good to go. The blood you’ll inevitably draw will be more than enough to accentuate your naked fighting body, and it’s free! These two no-nonsense badasses would be proud of you.
Prediction: Gulak retains. Maybe next time Oney!!
Kevin Owens vs Shane McMahon: If Owens Loses He Leaves WWE
Background: Last month Kevin Owens grabbed a microphone to speak out against Shane McMahon being so prominently featured in WWE programming. He’s been showing up and giving the dude stunners ever since.
The Look: AN ACTUAL DAD Kevin vs Shane is a classic dad vs dad match. Somehow, dad fashion is kind of the look right now? It’s my opinion that we need to take advantage of that as much as we possibly can. Grab a pair of those pants that zip off and turn into shorts (REI, $95) and a tank top (Topman, $8) for a versatile summer look that will keep you at the exact correct temperature at all times. It’s a Shane McMahon match, so if I didn’t also say Jordans (Air Jordan 9s, $335) I would probably have my journalism license revoked.
Prediction: Kevin Owens wins
Trish Stratus vs Charlotte Flair
Background: Seven-time Women’s Champion Trish Stratus was one of the company’s biggest stars in the 2000s. If you like women’s wrestling and don’t like weird misogynist sexualized humiliation rituals in the workplace, it wasn’t a great time period! I guess she’s back now to have her first singles match where commentary isn’t squealing about breasts the whole time. Charlotte Flair is calling herself the Queen of All Eras and vows to kick Trish’s ass in front of her kids. Considering Flair’s size, ability and age advantage, I don’t doubt that she will.
The Look: YOUR BOSS SUCKS If your creep of a boss ever gets to be too disgusting, you can always make a super sharp kitchen knife out of pasta, handle the situation, and then cook and eat the knife to destroy any evidence. Steal a bunch of money from him while you’re there and use it to never have to work again. Get a beautiful silk robe (Meng, $1,365) to lounge around in once you’re rich. You deserve it.
Prediction: Charlotte wins.
Goldberg vs Dolph Ziggler
Background: After tormenting Kofi Kingston for a bit, Dolph Ziggler moved on to antagonizing legends like Shawn Michaels and Rey Mysterio. This match was originally set to be against the Miz, but Ziggler’s anti-old man hatred has apparently inspired the Knife or Death host himself to make a return to WWE.
The Look: “LISTEN UP SNOWFLAKES I FUCK DADS I EAT FAST FOOD I USE SARCASM. OFFENDED? SORRY SWEETIE, MOVE AWAY!” Goldberg may not be the best wrestler out there, but no one can deny his potent muscle bear sex appeal. Dolph Ziggler may not have much in the way of sex appeal, but no one can deny that he is pretty tacky. Together, they create a look that is equal parts dadfucker and “your daughter/son/whatever calls me daddy.” Dad jeans (Levi’s, $98) are a must. So are the tattoo motifs on this leather trifold wallet (eBay, $13) and mesh crop top (ASOS, $29.) Ankle motorcycle boots ($59, Xelement) are a fun twist on the chunky shoe trend. Finally, a super cheap padlock choker (AliExpress, $3) tells the world that you’re so not a snowflake that your skin isn’t even allergic to nickel.
Prediction: Goldberg wins
US Championship: AJ Styles (c) vs Ricochet
Background: Freshly heel turned Styles, with the help of his buddies (and current Raw Tag Team Champions) Gallows and Anderson, beat Ricochet for the US Championship at Extreme Rules. Ricochet won a gauntlet match on Raw to get this rematch.
The Look: JOCK ANGEL GAMER AJ Styles and Ricochet may be just a couple of dads from the South who like doing cool moves, but their in-ring fashion sense is pure athleisure rave. So you can’t fly like Ricochet? Big deal. What you have is something even better: the ability to put on a mesh duster (Club Exx, $60) and do a bunch of drugs. A cute pair of workout leggings (Fashion Nova, $25) can pull double duty in the gym and the club. Tie it all together with some angelic platform boots (Demonia, $82) and glittery sunglasses (Planet-I, $85) and you’ll be ready to soar.
Prediction: Styles retains.
Smackdown Women’s Championship: Bayley (c) vs Ember Moon
Background: After beating Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross last month, Bayley announced that she wanted to pick a worthy challenger from the SmackDown women’s locker room for Summerslam. That worthy challenger turned out to be Ember Moon. Moon hasn’t had too many opportunities to really shine on the main roster (except in the Money in the Bank match), so I’m looking forward to these two former NXT Women’s Champions duking it out on Sunday.
The Look: FANTASY RAINBOW WARRIOR Get in on the fringe trend this summer with a statement piece bold enough to wow a fringe-enthusiast like Bayley (rainbow macramé skirt by FARM Rio, $365.) A tie dye graphic tee with a sweet wizard on it (eBay, $30) can be easily knotted into an impromptu crop top. That along with a pair of sporty platform sandals (Teva, $200) brings some fantasy edge to the outfit that I hope would make the War Goddess herself proud. Whether you’re spending a night out at the boardwalk or a night in playing Dungeons & Dragons, you can’t go wrong with the addition of some big star-shaped hoop earrings (ASOS, $23.)
Prediction: Ember Moon wins.
Raw Women’s Championship Submission Match: Becky Lynch (c) vs Natalya
Background: There isn’t a ton of story here. Natalya won an elimination match on Raw to get this title shot and then Becky attacked Natalya while she was training with Fit Finlay. There’s some more history between these two with Natalya turning on Becky back in 2016, but it hasn’t been brought up. The main point is that Natalya is Canadian and will be wielding the Hart Family Sharpshooter against Lynch’s disarm-her in this submission match in Toronto.
The Look: SUMMER LEATHER This mesh tie dye mock turtleneck (ASOS, $48) combines multiple hot summer trends with the official Hart Family shade of pink. While you technically can wear a leather jacket in summer, I’m a very sweaty person and couldn’t possibly recommend doing it. The good news is that you can still honor the Man by grabbing a pair of black (fake) leather shorts (Philosophy di Lorenzo Serafini, $450) instead. Keep riding that 90s sensible shoe revival wave with a pair of chunky Mary Janes (Dr. Martens, $120) and some brightly colored socks (Hansel from Basel, $30.) Neon sunglasses (Le Specs, $119) never hurt anyone either.
Prediction: Becky Lynch retains.
WWE Championship: Kofi Kingston (c) vs Randy Orton
Background: They feuded waaay back in 2009 during Kingston’s first push in WWE. The rumor has always been that Randy Orton pressured the office into ending the push after Kofi got up too early from an RKO and he had to improvise the ending of their match. (It’s the one where he yells “STUPID! STUPID!” at him.) Ten years later, they’ve turned it into a storyline where Randy Orton admits he used his influence to keep Kofi from getting the opportunities he had to wait so long for.
The Look: FUN NEON SNAKE GUY A skull and snake themed neon tee (ASOS, $26), tie dye Air Force 1s (Nike, $110), and classic dad jeans (The Idle Man, $31) are a great synthesis of Kofi Kingston’s sunny outlook on life and Randy Orton’s conservative masculinity. Jazz it up with a rainbow bracelet (ASOS, $10), some cool chains (ASOS, 3-pack $26), or both!
Prediction: Kofi retains.
Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar (c) vs Seth Rollins
Background: Rollins beat Lesnar for the Universal Championship at Wrestlemania. Lesnar cashed in on Rollins at last month’s Extreme Rules and got the title back. Rollins beat some guys to get this match, and has been getting his ass kicked by Lesnar for the last couple of weeks on Raw.
The Look: REIGNING DEFENDING INSTAGRAM HOTTIE Black joggers (Fashion Nova, $35) and a simple sports bra (Nike, $22) fit both Brock Lesnar’s simple aesthetic and the enduring athleisure trend to a t. Pop on an unbuttoned vintage fire and dragons shirt (eBay, $30) for some of Seth Rollins’ fiery energy. (It is very important that you leave it unbuttoned. Buttoning it will ruin the look.) Chunky white sneakers (FILA, $65) might be just the thing to give Rollins’ stomp the extra oomph it needs for him to win back the title. Don’t forget a pair of sunglasses (Topshop, $40) to protect your eyes when you’re burning it down, or at least being the toast of social media.
Prediction: Rollins wins.