The Royal Rumble has always been my favorite PPV, because it manages to have everything I like about wrestling. Surprise returns, goofy comedy bits, a mix of established and upcoming talent, and old men who are way past their prime getting “you still got it” chants for making it down the entrance ramp. Truly, this is a show where anything can happen. And it often does.
Men’s Royal Rumble Match
30 men! Over the top rope! Both feet must hit the floor! As usual, we don’t know all 30 contestants, but we do know entrant #1, as Brock Lesnar makes history as the first sentient protein drink to enter the rumble. I’m looking forward to the surprise entrants—could we see the Boogeyman slurp some worms? Will Nia Jax take another RKO? Could CM Punk make a return to the ring? Stranger things have probably happened.
Prediction: This feels like it could go a lot of ways, but I’m going with Drew McIntyre. I have a feeling about that duster.
Women’s Royal Rumble Match
The third ever women’s rumble match might not be so history making, but with WWE’s stacked women’s roster right now, it’s probably going to be pretty entertaining. There’s plenty of women in NXT who could make great entrants, and some WWE alums who have a lot of fight left in them. Last year we saw Becky Lynch tell Lana to take a hike to secure her place at Mania- who has what it takes to steal somebody’s spot this year?
Prediction: Crossing my fingers Rousey doesn’t return, I’d go with Charlotte. She and Becky really can’t escape each other.
More Pro Wresting:
- Asuka vs. Sara Del Rey Is the Wrestling Match of the Decade
- An Oral History of Dave “The Animal” Batista’s Dick
- The Bobby Lashley Lana In-Ring Wedding Was WWE As It Should Be: Delicious Garbage
Sheamus vs Shorty G
It’s the Celtic Warrior’s first match back, so naturally he’s facing big match Chad. This feud has built the only way WWE knows how to handle Gable now, by making shortness a disability you get to overcome with a positive attitude. Remember when American Alpha were SD tag champs? Me too, and god, I really miss it. This might get bumped to the preshow and will probably be a total of 6 minutes. It’ll be fine, both men are almost entertaining no matter what, but I wish Sheamus’ return feud had been something with slightly more meat to it.
Prediction: Sheamus. Shorty G puts over mean tall men like he’s a Tinder bio.
United States Championship: Andrade (c) vs Humberto Carrillo
This Monday on Raw, a mysterious masked man attacked Andrade following his ladder match with Rey Mysterio. The man dramatically ripped off his mask to reveal it was the sweet angel of dimples himself, Humberto Carrillo, defending the legacy of the GOAT. Andrade took Humberto out of action a couple weeks back in a gauntlet match, so there’s plenty of bad blood between the two. There’s nothing to really complain about here. This is borderline a perfect match for me. I don’t care who wins because no one is a loser here if we all get to watch this.
Prediction: Andrade. He’s got Zelina, he’s got some killer entrance gear, and he’s constantly posting horny pictures with Charlotte on Instagram. That’s a champion right there.
King Corbin vs Roman Reigns (Falls Count Anywhere)
The King continues his crusade to empty the shelters, with the support of Robert Roode, Dolph Ziggler, and sometimes The Revival, if they’re feeling up to it that day. This feud has dominated SmackDown for the better part of the past two months, and at this point it’s really run its course. I do like both men involved, but even I have to admit there’s only so many dog jokes you can make. We’ve seen the Usos get involved, Roode get super buff, and the dog food segment is still seared into my brain. I feel like we’ve really gotten all we can out of these two.
Prediction: Reigns, leading to a triumphant entrance in the rumble match.
Universal Championship: The Fiend (c) vs Daniel Bryan (Strap match)
The Fiend wants the strap, D Bry wants the strap—it’s 2020, everybody wants the strap. A match stipulation that literally writes the jokes for me, these two men have agreed to be tied together, ensuring The Fiend can’t do any of his favorite escape tricks. Or maybe he can, he’ll just have Bryan dangling behind him. Team Hell No may have laid out The Fiend last week, but will the red lights go down on our funky murder man?
Prediction: The Fiend, and I really hope it somehow involves a grown man dressed in a Rambling Rabbit cosplay.
SmackDown Women’s Championship: Bayley (c) vs Lacey Evans
It’s the mama bear versus the role model. Bayley and Sasha have been dodging Lacey the past few weeks, but that rap album is really important, so we can forgive them. The woman who’s probably going to star in WWE Studios Presents The Marine 6 is finally getting her shot at the SmackDown title, but is the power of “USA” chants enough to get the job done?
Prediction: I’m gonna go with Lacey, as the real story here seems to be her and Sasha. RIP to Champ Bayley, but it’s boss time.
Raw Women’s Championship: Becky Lynch (c) vs Asuka
A rerun of last years SD Women’s Championship match, this should be a great time if their last encounter is anything to go by. Asuka has Kairi Sane and that handy green mist in her corner, while Becky has her two sets of gear and a leather jacket. So there’s a lot of momentum going for the both of them. Asuka’s managed to stay tag team champ by relying on her little green friend, could we end up with Asuka two belts on Sunday night?
Prediction: Becky evades the mist and gets the win. If she’s not still champ at Mania I’ll be very surprised.