WWE Recap: Raw Lets Kidnapping Happen, SmackDown Delivers a Spanking

This week's moral? Don't have a wife. Just don't risk it.

TLC is a week from Sunday, because WWE keeps pumping out PPVs like it’s absolutely no ones business. This week’s shows set up a few matches, but it mostly seemed to leave a lot of people running in place.

Large Adult Sons Wreak Havoc

There was a lot going on in Raw’s opening segment. We started with Seth Rollins attempting an apology for being who he is, which lead to Kevin Owens claiming Rollins told AOP to attack him last week. The beefy suit boys themselves came out and challenged Rollins and Owens to a tag match, but Owens refused, assuming the situation would end in a 3 on 1. A huffy Rollins took his ball and went home, but luckily there was someone else to wrestle Owens: Bobby Lashley, fresh off having a pillar dropped on him last week.

But first we were treated to Lana making an awkwardly lengthy entrance, which Owens responded to with an exaggerated sigh, sliding down the ropes like he’d just been dumped in a Hallmark Christmas movie. Just incredible acting. The match between him and Lashley was fine; Samoa Joe (a hit on commentary again this week) sold Lashley as a monster for being able to compete after what Rusev did to him last week. It looked like Lashley was going to beat Owens when AOP came down to the ring and went after Kevin again. Lashley, Lana, and their police officers ringside seemed like they couldn’t care less as the two men tossed Owens around and ultimately dragged him backstage for presumably murderous reasons.

Oh, and then Lashley and Lana got jumped by Rusev, and arrested for shoulder checking the cop. Seriously, they packed a lot into these 20 minutes.

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WWE

Erick Rowan, Animal Lover

Nobody else seems intrigued by this story, but I am a sucker for anything with fur and occasionally feathers, so I completely understand Erick Rowan’s need to bring his new pet everywhere. Rowan let his coveted cage sit ringside as he beat No Way Jose, who is still out here making an honest living. Before the match, one of the conga dancers tried to get a look in the cage and Rowan flipped out on him, which is also my reaction when people let their kids run up and start poking my dog without permission. This isn’t Lassie, kid, you don’t know him like that. The match itself was a short squash, and Rowan lovingly carried the cage backstage, where he refused to tell Charly Caruso his new friend’s name. In all honesty it’s probably gonna be like, a severed hand, or Luke Harper’s contract. But imagine how funny it would be if he pulls back the tarp and it’s a goldendoodle. That’s good stuff.

Goths vs Jock

The Kabuki Warriors continue to be one of the best things Raw has right now, as they debuted a banging new theme and defeated Charlotte in a 2-on-1 handicap match. This came about after Asuka’s victory over Charlotte using the green mist last week, but unfortunately we didn’t see any of the blinding slime this week. The women’s tag champs cut a great promo before the match, presumably reading me personally for filth in Japanese before declaring a victory over Charlotte would be “easy peasy.” I love this Asuka and Kairi. I could listen to them say “easy peasy” for an hour straight. They don’t need to add anything else, that on it’s own is incredibly entertaining.

This was a surprisingly competitive matchup that made Charlotte look very tough, almost beating the odds a couple times, but the Kabuki Warriors had the clear advantage. Charlotte had Asuka in the Figure 8, and Kairi broke it up with the Insane Elbow for the win. This is more than likely leading to Charlotte/Becky taking the tag titles, but at least the build up has been good for Asuka and Sane.

WWE

Drake Maverick’s Very Bad Day

Look, you gotta handed it to Drake Maverick. The man has done everything asked of him and more, regardless of how embarrassing, humiliating, or just weird the bit is. This week he attempted to pick up where he left off last Friday, failing to impress Dana Brooke. Elias saved the day with another song and a joke about banging Maverick’s wife. This resulted in a match (I’m using that word loosely) between Maverick and Elias, where the Drifter gave Drake a spanking before landing Drift Away and letting Dana pin him. I have no idea where this story is going or what the reasoning behind it could possibly be, but it was hands down the most memorable part of SD this week. After watching a grown man get spanked on live television, I almost couldn’t remember literally anything else that happened. Looking forward to next week when Elias puts Maverick in a dunce hat and tells him to stand in the corner and think about what he’s done.

WWE

2 Wyatt 2 Family

Daniel Bryan was MIA this week, and The Miz lamented the halt of their enemies-to-friends development. Bray Wyatt appeared broadcasting from the Funhouse, saying the vegan legend would be unable to make it to TLC, probably because he’s a little self conscious about the haircut he got last week. Wyatt instead challenged Miz for the title, and sealed the deal by holding up a picture of Miz and his family. The Miz stormed backstage and found a dark room with a family photo in it, like some very crappy senior thesis on community. Upon closer inspection the photo was in fact Wyatt photoshopped alongside Maryse and the Miz’s daughters, because no WWE segment is complete right now without the implication that somebody is boning somebody else’s wife. The Miz flipped out, but Wyatt appeared and delivered Sister Abigail. TLC stands for ‘total lack of clownery,’ as it seems like we’re getting The Miz vs a Fiend-less Wyatt, if the promo picture is anything to go by. It’ll be Interesting to see how sweater Wyatt differs from The Fiend. Hope he’s accompanied by all the puppets on Sunday.

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WWE

Himbo Vengence

Angel Garza and Lio Rush have quietly had one of the best feuds this past month, featuring Garza blowing kisses to— you guessed it— Rush’s wife, and a fantastic match where the MOTH just barely retained his title. They’re set to fight for the CW championship again this week on NXT, but first each had a tough challenge on last nights 205 Live. Garza faced Raul Mendoza, Rush’s new friend after both men ran circles around each other and realized they had a lot in common. Mendoza put on a great show, including a fantastic Spanish Fly, but Garza won with the wing clipper. In the main event, Rush took on professional #2 Danny Burch, in his first big match in the cruiserweight division. Great contrasting styles between the two of them,  but the match was interrupted by Angel Garza, who shoved Rush off the turnbuckle and laid out Burch. He then hit the Wing Clipper and snatched the title ringside, giving it a big kiss while Rush looked on painfully. Could we see a halo emoji on the side of the big purple belt this Wednesday?

WWE

WWE Banger of the Week: The Revival vs Heavy Machinery vs Lucha House Party vs Shorty G and Mustafa Ali

This was an elimination four way tag match to determine a #1 contender to the New Day, who were on commentary. All four teams here worked really well together, especially in a fast paced match that kept the action going. The three face teams started off at a big of a stalemate after a great back and forth and some cool flips from Metalik and Ali, but The Revival ran in to break it all up. LHP were the first team eliminated, with Dorado getting hit with The Compactor. Otis celebration was cut short, much to Big E’s disappointment, with The Revival eliminating him. Ali and Shorty G tossed Wilder and Dawson into The New Day at the commentary table, but The Revival ultimately got the upper hand by isolating Mr G and landing the Shatter Machine. This was really fun overall, and a great show for SmackDown’s tag teams.We’ve of course seen The Revival vs New Day a lot, but it always delivers, so I can’t really complain. I guess this also means we’ll be seeing more of Shorty and Ali together, which I’m definitely down for, even if they are the exact same height and only one man has being short as part of his character.

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