It’s the road to WrestleMania, baby! Everybody’s dusting off their pirate suits and getting ready to do a lot of pointing, but first we’ve got a few Rumble rematches to get through.
You’re Invited to a Claymore Party
Once a Snake
After a shocking return at the Royal Rumble, the Rated-R Superstar came to Raw to talk about how grateful he was to be back, his new opportunity to end his career on his terms, and how his hair somehow looks better than ever. He was interrupted by former tag partner and professional terrible person, Randy Orton, who first proposed a RatedRKO reunion, before living up to his moniker and turning on Edge in less then 30 seconds with an RKO. Edge grabbed at his neck and screamed, and everyone in the audience had several back-to-back mini heart attacks. Randy went for a steel chair on the outside and laid into the Canadian legend some more, ending with a final chair shot to the back of the head. Brutal looking stuff. The show closed out with Edge passed out in the middle of the ring, and everyone in the world hating Randall Keith.
Honestly, I feel like a feud between Edge and Orton should be great. After being gone for 9 years, facing someone of Orton’s notoriety and skill will help establish Edge for newer fans who might not be familiar. We’ll also get to see somebody kick Randy’s ass at mania, which is always a good thing. And if this triumphant return is his last dance with pro wrestling, he should get to feud with whoever he chooses, because he’s Edge, goddammit. Give the man everything he wants.
Hot Man Gets Heated
In a Rumble rematch, Andrade once again defended his US title against Humberto Carrillo. Humberto came out strong, driving Andrade to the outside and laying into him, until Andrade threw him into the ring post to turn things around. Jerry Lawler commentating a match between two dudes whose names he can barely pronounce is bad enough, But he also compared Carrillo to Justin Bieber, I guess because in his brain it’s constantly 2009. Humberto landed an angelic moonsault and looked like he was about to get the win, when Zelina dove in to break it up for the DQ. Andrade retained, because evil best friends stick together, but Carrillo didn’t care about friendship. He pulled up the padding and gave Andrade a DDT on the concrete. The crowd was super into the chance to see a grown man crack his skull open on concrete, giving Humberto maybe the biggest reaction he’s had since coming to the main roster. While handsome and extremely talented may be enough for me to stan, the WWE universe likes it more when you show a little teeth alongside those stunning dimples.
Bruising Brothers Destroy Veterans
Huge Win for Rednecks
Glow Strikes Back
Local Dogs Unable to Eat Dinner
Remember when WWE was like “you know what’s funny and gross? Dumping dog food on somebody! That’ll connect with the kids.” Well, their sense of humor only got worse this week, as Roman Reigns and the Usos faced King Corbin feat ZigRoode in a ‘loser eats dog food’ match. Real stipulation on Fox television. I’m not sure why the Reigns/Corbin feud is still going on, but I guess it couldn’t truly be over until we wasted like 25 lbs of canned, generic brand dog food. Michael Cole really put over how disgusting the dog food was to be around, but I guess he’s never had a dog, because some cheap doggie chow is not the worst you can do when the theme is “things dogs eat.” We’ve seen this match in the last few weeks, but the main difference here was every few moments each man would look over at the table full of processed meat and shudder momentarily. Reigns got the win with a roll up after Jey Uso took out Ziggler and Roode on the outside. Roman and the Usos then cuffed Corbin to the post and dumped two entire buckets on him to close out the show.
Bald Men Reunite
Team one two! Team one two! After months of tweeting about his pet corgis and playing the man to secure his bag, Oney Lorcan returned to WWE TV this week, saving his bff Danny Burch from a beat down by Ariya Daivari and Brian Kendrick. Kendrick and Burch’s match had been DQ’d by interference from Daivari, who saved Kendrick from tapping to Burch’s hold. Daivari and Kendrick have become partners in gatekeeping crime, but now Oney and his light wash midrise jeans are here to even the odds and prove that the purple brand is for everyone. Burch and Lorcan are a great tag team, and I was bummed to see them not included in the Dusty Classic, but at least they’re back together again and kicking ass somewhere.