WWE Raw and SmackDown Deliver Some Mixed Results

Pour another one out for Ramblin' Rabbit

WWE Crown Jewel may be the big driving force behind the stories in WWE right now, but fans remain divided because it’s airing at noon on a Thursday, and also all the blood money stuff. Luckily, this week in WWE gave us plenty of other things to focus on! Like, how does Rusev actually look good wearing that gold chain? And why is Seth Rollins calling a man less than a decade younger than him “kid?” Let’s get down to it.

Monday Night Raw / WWE

Is Ric Flair Okay?

Like, is this guy fit to be screaming on live television? On Monday night the limousine riding, jet flying, kiss stealing, hairline receding, son of a gun announced the fifth man for his team at Crown Jewel— big duster daddy Drew MacIntyre. But the real news of the night is the fact that a 70 year old dude who had a stroke this year nearly gave himself another one in the effort to promote this show that pretty much no one cares about. With every catchphrase he spewed, Flair looked like he was inflating like the girl in Willy Wonka, his red, leathery skin expanding like a balloon about to float up to the ceiling of the arena. Poor Charly Caruso looked like she didn’t know if she should be laughing or calling an ambulance as Flair woo-ed himself half to death. I guess we should just be glad this segment ended with  the old man still on his feet.

Friday Night SmackDown / WWE

Adventures of Shorty G

When I finally get around to naming the top fashion kings in wrestling, Mr Shorty Short will sadly not be making the list. He appeared on Miz TV looking like your annoying kid brother who just watched Space Jam for the first time, in a basketball uniform with ‘G’ emblazoned on the chest, lest we confuse him for another short man. I’m really unsure what this fit was trying to achieve, other than making Gable look like even more of a nerd. But, being the consummate professional he is, the man still somehow made it work. Job well done, Mr. G. Can’t wait to see what terrible thing he manages to pull off next.

Ramblin’ Rabbit Dies (Twice)

Much like my depression, our furry rabbit friend doesn’t stay gone for long. This week’s Firefly Funhouse told us Ramblin’ died a painful death as a result of Seth Rollins setting fire to his home last week. Bray held a touching funeral for the man/beast, even complete with an open casket, as was his request. But as the funhouse itself was unharmed by Seth’s actions, so was the rabbit, who was resurrected from the power of Wyatt’s leather biker gloves, only to promptly be eaten once more. Womp-womp. The Funhouse remains one of the most entertaining things WWE has right now, and Wyatt’s delivery of “Goodbye Sweet Prince” is the exact audio I want played at my funeral.

Friday Night SmackDown / WWE

Big Man Attacks Teenager

Brock Lesnar is a huge tough guy capable of destroying anyone he chooses. To demonstrate his strength and dominance on SmackDown, he beat up a kid who’s still in college. Because the best way to intimidate your opponent is to attack an innocent young man who probably works part time at a fast food place and has a lot of other stuff on his plate right now, Brock. Rey Mysterio, who keeps bringing his son to work despite the danger he knows his coworkers pose, discovered that Lesnar had already attacked Dominick backstage. Rey and Cain Velasquez attempted to come to the rescue, but Brock gave Cain an F5 onto the already injured Dominick, whose life gets worse with every second he spends on WWE property.

Friday Night SmackDown / WWE

What Time is it?

Boss time, consistently. Sasha Banks and her life partner Bayley brought some fresh new looks to commentary for a match between Nikki Cross and Mandy Rose. Nikki is the #1 contender to Bayley’s SmackDown Women’s championship, and Sasha will mess up anyone who’s getting close to her girl. These two have my ideal relationship. The match itself here was fine; I sure wish it had gone longer, but I also sure wish it wasn’t one of two women’s matches for the whole week. Rose and Deville are still working as a heel team, and Cross has become a standout on the main roster this year. Crazy does equal money, turns out.

Monday Night Raw / WWE

The Smoke is Here

The Street Profits have managed to be one of the most consistently entertaining parts of Raw for the last few months. The only adults who still look cool carrying a Solo cup, Montez Ford and Angelo Dawkins were huge hits in NXT, winning the NXT and Evolve tag titles in the past year. Giving Ford and Dawkins the space to show off their charisma and win over the audience on Raw has been perfect, and now its paying off with a great in ring debut. Despite the fact that the Raw team struggled with how numbers work throughout the night, advertising a 6 man tag that became a regular tag that still ultimately featured 6 men, the Profits’ win over The OC hopefully suggests great things for them on Raw. It also unfortunately seems to point to Styles vs Owens yet again, but this is WWE, and we can’t expect to be completely happy.

205 Live / WWE

WWE Banger of the Week: Lio Rush vs Oney Lorcan

NXT Cruiserweight Champion Rush returned to 205 this week, his first appearance on the brand in nearly a year. Rush’s journey in WWE has been varied, but there’s no doubt he’s an incredible athlete, and he looks like he feels at home in the cruiserweight division. In addition to being the only wrestler who’s actually good at social media, Oney Lorcan has become one of the top guys on 205 Live, and has the ability to mix styles with whoever he faces. Rush’s quickness and agility was really on display here; you could almost hear Mauro’s phantom voice making comparisons to him turning back time on the clocks, or the fleeting quality of young love, or maybe a Wale song. Rush got the win with the Final Hour, sending Oney and his Orange Crush trunks packing.

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born on a ranch in texas, raised by cowboys. don't fact check this.

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