Who could possibly surprise us in tonight’s Wednesday Night War?

"Possibly" is the key word for some of these

You may or may not know this, but AEW and NXT are going head to head tonight, and it’s kind of a big deal. Maybe you’ve chosen a side. Maybe you’re one of those wrestling fans who just wants everybody to do well. Maybe you’ve been mashing F5 in your web browser for the past two weeks hoping to be the first to know if CM Punk will be wrestling for a company he hates or just talking about it on FOX Sports 1. Things are kinda hush hush today, but given that NXT’s card is Takeover level and AEW is coming in hot, you know that someone is gonna debut tonight. Let’s do some idle speculation!

NXT

Malcolm Bivens @MalcolmVelli

1. Malcolm Bivens

Malcolm Bivens (AKA Cardigan Lamborgini, AKA Lucha Vandross, FKA Stokely Hathaway) is probably outside Full Sail arena selling bootlegs of tonight’s episode of NXT, but once he’s done moving product he can take a seat ringside and give us a friendly wave before commercial, where he can duck backstage, appear on the WWE Watch Along (only on the official WWE YouTube Channel), and continue the hunt for his CD player.

It’s beyond time for Malcolm to make the jump to TV. If he’s ready to go to war with Living Single, he’s ready for anything.

WWE

2. Tino Sabbatelli

He’s still recovering from injury, but the true dark horse of NXT making an appearance tonight would give us a much needed update on said recovery, and could finally bring closure to the still open hostilities between him and Riddick Moss. I am being completely serious when I say that I desperately want this. 

WWE

3.Repo Man

Remember when Raw and SmackDown! got split up again (kinda) and dudes like Rhyno and the Spirit Squad and the Headbangers got on TV? Repo Man’s a bit older and a lot more retired than any of those guys, but if he’s still got his domino mask and his license plate festooned trench coat hanging in the closet, he’s ready for another shot. The Undisputed Era have a lot of gold right now. Would be a shame if someone… repossessed it. 

AEW

Lucha Underground/El Rey Network

1. Johnny Mundo/Johnny Impact/John Morrison

Mundo recently mocked reports that he’d resigned with WWE, so why not AEW? Let’s go crazy! Let’s stir the pot! Let’s give him the name Johnny Dynamite or Johnny Elite or Johnny All so he can do his parkour flippy boy stuff and keep the streak of changing his last name to fit the promotion he’s working in alive.

Gail Kim @gailkimitsme

2. Gail Kim

I have no idea how Impact Wrestling producer contracts work and know she’s been retired since February of last year, but given that Impact has leaked talent like a sieve and AEW has had other thought-to-be-retired women on its shows, I’m just gonna put a little prayer into the universe that she’ll get one more run on a network television show where her finisher won’t be called “Eat Defeat.”

image owned I guess by WWE since they own old WCW?

3. Ralphus

I wrote my AEW Dynamite preview before Santana and Ortiz were announced as Chris Jericho’s mystery partners for tonight, but I thought about writing his former personal security guard Ralphus in as a joke and I can’t stop thinking about him. Jericho needs somebody to make sure that his belt doesn’t disappear mysteriously while he’s living it up at Red Robin after the show, and I can think of no better man for the job. 

Tags

Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand is a minor transsexual poet and nu-metal enthusiast.

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Close