The Young Bucks’ New Mustaches: A Review

The evolution of AEW World Tag Team Champions Matt and Nick Jackson continued last night on Dynamite, as the Young Bucks hit the ring for the opening contest sporting new mustaches. Fellow Elite member Kenny Omega also sported a new style of facial hair, but a friend of mine just shaved his beard down to a Lemmy like last week, so it felt less drastic.

Revealing either the last time he watched pornography or the kind of pornography he watches, Tony Schiavone said that the brothers Jackson “looked like a couple of porn stars.” With all due respect to Tony, I have to disagree—there is absolutely nothing sexual about the Young Bucks’ new mustaches. Like the sequins on their headbands and the Jordans on their feet, Matt and Nick shaved their beards and combed a generous amount of Just For Men gel through it in an effort to annoy. It’s like how their friends The Good Brothers wear dangly earrings, only the Young Bucks are the best tag team in the world. It’s possible to ask “why aren’t they taking this seriously,” but the answer, if you’d kindly take your eyes off of the hair adorning their lips, is the gold around their waist.

The Young Bucks' New Mustaches

5

Pros
  • Body modification—even one as easily undone as new facial hair—isn't used enough when wrestlers acquire "new attitudes."
  • Wisely avoided drawing comparisons to the Mario Brothers by going with two different styles of mustache, saving us from a dozen horrible bootleg shirts.
  • Being annoying about hair tends to lead to a hair vs. hair match. Hopefully the Young Bucks are coerced into wagering their mustaches.
  • They look like what the Beatles would look like in a movie about the Beatles that couldn't secure the rights to the Beatles.
  • They look like extras from Cruising, if Cruising were shot on the set of Austin Powers.
  • They look like the Young Bucks.
Cons
  • While everyone else was like "ha ha, Rick Steiner," my poisoned brain was like "ha ha, remember when Hulk Hogan had his mustache shaved off and became Hulk Hogan Dark for a week?"
  • Wouldn't be surprised if a bootlegger still tried a Jackson/Mario Brothers shirt.
  • The Young Bucks horde "annoying things" like I horde "household goods" in Skyrim, and like me and my collection of pots, dishes, and spoons, it's only a matter of time before they're overburdened.
  • They look like what the Beatles would look like in a movie about the Beatles that couldn't secure the rights to the Beatles.
  • They look like extras from Cruising, if Cruising were shot on the set of Austin Powers.
  • They look like the Young Bucks.
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Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand is a minor transsexual poet and nu-metal enthusiast.

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