The APA from WWF No Mercy: A Review

BRADSHAW and FAAROOQ count their money and smile.

The APA

3.8

Two rawboned and mean ol' men who quit a cult on account of liking beer, cigars, and poker too much, Faarooq and Bradshaw's digitized versions on WWF No Mercy didn't drink, smoke, or gamble because they were on a Nintendo 64 game, but they *would* take money from you or your rival to sway the direction your character took in story mode. They're the worst.

Pros
  • I still feel pretty good about beating them with X-Pac on expert when I was a child.
  • Without creating your own character, Bradshaw's array of clotheslines and punches that look like clotheslines make him one of the better picks for Survival, No Mercy's endless Royal Rumble mode that will let you unlock hidden characters like Jim Ross and Earl Hebner before you've truly proven the mastery requisite to handling that kind of raw, game-breaking power.
  • If you *are* gonna create your own character, you're probably going to have at least one Faarooq or Bradshaw move because most of them look agonizing.
  • Captures the team at their true zenith, right after leaving the Ministry of Darkness, and right before Bradshaw got blond highlights.
Cons
  • "Intercontinental Champion X-Pac" was not a cool look when I let my friends borrow my cartridge
  • The joy of that one victory cannot compare to the countless number of times my mid-match hopes were crushed by a skill check that wasn't even halfway through an otherwise relatively benign path towards a secondary championship.
  • If you say no to these assholes when they offer to help you in the Hardcore Championship storyline, they beat you up in a parking lot.
  • Before they beat you up in the parking lot, you will spend 30 minutes running away from them, trying to hit one or both of them with a thrown object.
  • There is a limit to how often you can pull that trick before it begins to make Bradshaw and Faarooq stronger.
  • You try to leave the parking garage, seeking shelter anywhere else. You struggle against them, finally convincing the game that you've executed an Irish whip correctly twice, and you're suddenly in a bar.
  • The first thing you see in the bar is a neon APA Protection sign. This is the APA's bar. You are dead.
  • You can also experience this in the boiler room.
  • No "Always Pounding Ass" shirt.
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Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand is a minor transsexual poet and nu-metal enthusiast.

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