Nothing Can Stop Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt

Not even the heat death of the universe.

Back at Hell in a Cell, WWE caused a stir by booking their main event, Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt in the eponymous structure, to end in disqualification. I didn’t watch the match, but to the best of my understanding Rollins buried Wyatt under a bunch of garbage and was going to hit him with a hammer. Were I the referee, I probably would have thrown the match out too, on account of Rollins not being smart enough to just hit a guy with a hammer in the first place, but the finish made a lot of people mad and I guess The Fiend is ruined now.

WWE has heard its Universe’s collective crying and gnashing of teeth, as the two are scheduled to wrestle a rematch at Crown Jewel, the fourth PPV in WWE’s series of Blood Money Spectaculars in Saudi Arabia. They announced this week that it will be a Falls Count Anywhere match which, according to the match graphic, “can’t be stopped for any reason.”

In case you’re unfamiliar with the rules of the sport, here is a rough list of things that can stop a Falls Count Anywhere match:

  1. Injury.
  2. Referee’s decision.
  3. Knockout.
  4. Disqualification.
  5. Submission.
  6. Pinfall.

What this means is that, in response to fans not liking their storytelling, WWE has booked a match that cannot end. Ever. Seth Rollins, Bray Wyatt, the referee assigned to the match, and the WWE Universal Championship are locked in eternal combat from the moment the opening bell rings.

Say Bray Wyatt makes Seth Rollins tap out to his Mandible Claw. Or Rollins pins Wyatt with a curbstomp. The match cannot be stopped. They must pick themselves up from the canvas and continue to enact violence upon one another. The match cannot be stopped if they end up in the Firefly Funhouse and Rollins is eaten alive by some weird puppets. It cannot end if it turns out that Rollins is a literal architect and lures the Fiend to the site of a controlled demolition. It cannot end when they retire. It cannot end when they are dead and buried. If either man is cremated, his ashes must continue the fight.

WWE’s slogan is “THEN. NOW. FOREVER.” and, at long last, they have figured out a way to usurp the laws that govern time. The Sun will burn out, the stars will wink out of existence, and the whole of human history will be long forgotten, but Seth Rollins and Bray Wyatt must continue the match. It cannot be stopped for any reason. Save your “fight forever” chants, everybody. That’s exactly what these two men have been damned to do.

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Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand is a minor transsexual poet and nu-metal enthusiast.

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