No Wives, No Brothers, No Chance: WCW Recap 5/22/00

This week's shows are brought to you by the concept of false finishes

This is my third week of following WCW, and I gotta say, I get it now. I get why this company didn’t make it. For all the talent they have on the roster, I’ve never seen someone so determined to make the same mistakes over and over as Russo and Bischoff seem to be. Like when my dog drinks puddle water and poops his brains out later in the afternoon- somebody’s just not making a connection there.

Anyway, let’s see what we can salvage from Nitro and Thunder:

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Woman Wedgies Boyfriend, but it’s Justified

Last week Daffney legally won the Cruiserweight Championship, but Crowbar claims it’s his by rights. The resulting match to clear things up is about as unbearable as you imagine an intergender match from the minds of Russo and Bischoff would be. The two start out with some thumb wrestling and Rock Paper Scissors, before Daffney hits a DDT. Crowbar thinks about a Frankensteiner but he voted for Hillary, and can’t quite make it happen. Instead, Daffney gives him an atomic wedgie. Turns out I’ve been waiting most of my life to hear a genuine sports commentator scream “atomic wedgie” over and over. Crowbar hits a splash and then apologizes, when suddenly Chris Candido runs in. Tammy follows, and somehow the match is still happening despite this double interference. Crowbar gives Candido a German suplex, but Tammy hits him with the chair. Candido lands a piledriver into the chair, and Daffney inadvertently wins as she runs to check on him. Who says wrestling can’t tell romance?

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New Blood New Problems

Billy Kidman’s pissed Horace Hogan is getting friendly with Torrie Wilson, but Bischoff reminds him that’s just the price he pays for getting to hang out with her at all. I genuinely can’t tell if this is relationship is ahead of its time. We get a shot of the Kid Cam (which is totally not sketchy a name for a web series in 2000) where Horace is getting a back rub from Torrie, right in the middle of the hall where literally anyone would have to awkwardly scoot around them to get by. Kidman attacks Horace, Torrie gets the ref shirt, and this is a match, I guess. Kidman has some offense, but Horace lands a boot and goes for a table. Hulk comes out to yell at his nephew some more, and tosses Kidman on top of Horace laying on the table, which gives him the win. Torrie seems very indifferent about everything happening here. There’s probably a Hulk sex tape joke here but I’m not gonna try that hard about it.

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My Brother, my Brother, and my Brother’s Sexy Friend

If there’s one thing WCW loves it’s family feuds, as we get Scott Steiner and Rick Steiner battling in this one. Big Poppa Pump has the gimmick for this one- a circular cage he calls the Asylum. The only way to win is by submission, so some might call this a submission match. Commentary does not. The cage lowers after the match starts, which seems a little counterintuitive. Early on Scott gets Rick in the Recliner, but he’s once again distracted by the fake Goldberg Tank Abbott entrance. We just did this bit last week, but honestly Steiner falling for it again feels in line with his character. Tank beats up a poor tech guy to raise the cage again, and then he and Rick knock down Scott. Kevin Nash earns his paycheck and a shot at the WCW title by coming to Steiner’s aid, and the evil brother is once again defeated.

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Friends > Wives

Diamond Dallas Page, with one bandaged eyebrow and a very sweet leather vest, cuts a scathing promo on Bischoff. He calls him out for ruining his marriage and turning his wife against him, which is a normal bump in the road for any employee/boss situation. He also threatens Mike Awesome for injuring his bff Kanyon, who’s still stuck in the hospital in full cartoon character post car crash bandages. Elizabeth then comes out dragging Page’s ex wife Kimberly by the hair and deposits her in DDP’s lap for some corporal punishment on live television. Surely the inspiration for WWE’s approach to Drake Maverick as a character two decades later. Page spanks his wife, I guess this is hot for 2000, I don’t really know, but then we get a tron video of Awesome in Kanyon’s hospital room. DDP takes off backstage, I assume to angrily dad-walk all the way to the hospital to save his pal.

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Man Vs Nature, Man vs Wall

Chuck Palumbo is in the middle of a huge push, if you couldn’t tell with all the girlfriend kidnapping he’s been participating in. This is a tables match between Palumbo and the Wall, because if a show goes by without a gimmick match, Eric Bischoff would probably disintegrate. The Wall starts off in control, tossing Palumbo around the ring without putting much effort into getting him on one of the three tables that have helpfully been set up outside. Palumbo rallies back, much to the disappointment of the audience, who sound like they’re really dying to see him go through some wood. The Wall tries to toss him over the ropes but Palumbo gets out of it and goes for some workout metal rod type deal. I don’t know anything about gym equipment. He nails the Wall with the rod and he crashes through the table, giving Palumbo the win. I don’t think he was really over at this point, except maybe in the demographic of romance novel cover artists.

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Two and a Half Way Dance

Jeff Jarrett just won the WCW Heavyweight Championship on Monday Nitro, and the company believes in him so much, he’s already putting it on the line. Thunder’s main event is advertised as a triple threat between Jarrett, Kevin Nash, and Scott Steiner, but if you’re familiar with the concept, that generally involves 3 people participating in the match at once. We start with Nash running off Russo, leaving Steiner and Jarrett in the ring. We’re apparently near Steiner’s hometown in Michigan, although I’m not sure I totally buy that he’s entirely from this planet. When Nash makes his way back to the ring, two New Blood members appear on the ramp carrying Shakira and Madejah. Steiner runs to save his girls, giving us Nash and Jarrett one on one. By this point, Russo has returned with R&B security and teams with Jarrett to take out the threat of a man both big and sexy. After trading hits with the bat, Nash accidentally knocks out the ref with a clothesline. This let’s Jarrett grab the belt, but he swings and misses, allowing Nash to land a hit. He wakes up the ref and immediately makes him perform his job without any concern for his wellbeing, but wait! Russo grabs the ref and throws him out. He puts on the striped shirt while Jarrett uses a chair on Nash. Russo goes for the count, but wait! Nash still gets a shoulder up. Steiner returns with another ref and singlehandedly runs through R&B security. Nash hits Jarrett with a power bomb, new ref counts it, and we have another new world champion. All of this happens in under 5 minutes. Flash fiction at its finest.

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born on a ranch in texas, raised by cowboys. don't fact check this.

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