AEW’s version of the WCW classic PPV event Bash at the Beach happened last night as an episode of AEW Dynamite, and it was not at the beach. I felt betrayed, bewildered, bedeviled, and uh… I felt bad. I wanted my Bash at the Beach to be on the beach! Not 2.9 miles away from the nearest beach (according to Google Maps)! With that disappointment in my heart, I settled in for the show, watching sadly as a bikini babe had to sit on a tall chair for an unknown amount of time, the full responsibility of beach energy weighing on her narrow, spray tanned shoulders.
Kenny Omega & Adam Page def. Proud and Powerful, The Young Bucks, and the Best Friends (w/ Orange Cassidy)
The sad, lost Kenny Omega and the also sad and also lost (and apparently developing a drinking problem) Adam Page beat three experienced tag teams to get a shot at SCU’s Tag Team Championship on next week’s Dynamite on Chris Jericho’s boat. The match itself was entertaining, high energy, fun, and all those other words that I always use to describe good AEW tag team matches.
Cody Rhodes Is Going to Get Whipped on Live TV
Cody Rhodes, wrestler and company executive vice president, agreed to a number of stipulations set by the villainous MJF ahead of their big match at next month’s Revolution PPV. The stipulations are as follows:
- Cody can not touch MJF until Revolution.
- 10 lashes on live TV
- Steel cage match against Wardlow
Cody accepted them in reverse order. First, sure, a steel cage match against Wardlow. Fine. Then, importantly, Cody said the following:
“I will take ten lashes on live TV. He wants to- to whip me, and I understand the symbolism of that farce, but if Max thinks that that physical manifestation of my pain, if my skin breaks, if I bleed courtesy of a leather belt, that is the worst thing that can come from this rivalry between him and I, he is mistaken.”
He then went on to talk about how not being able to touch MJF until Revolution would be the hardest part, but that he would endure. Sometimes it really feel like wrestling is fucking with me. Like? Is this bait? Is this gaslighting? I feel like I’m going crazy. Is this normal for wrestling? I’m still fairly new to this and never watched WCW so maybe corporal punishment was a big thing there, but where I come from? There’s very specific circumstances that lead to negotiating and agreeing to get whipped in front of a crowd.
GRADE: Cody Rhodes is going to get whipped on live TV.
More Pro Wrestling:
- A Comprehensive Review of the New Japan Titty Book
- The Supernatural Powers of Keiji Mutoh
- An Oral History of Dave “The Animal” Batista’s Dick
Promo: Backstage, Joey Janela (looking great, by the way) directed a promo to Penelope Ford, his real life ex-girlfriend who is now also his kayfabe ex-girlfriend, for punching him in the balls two weeks ago. The outfit was great. His hair was gorgeous. It was well lit. I didn’t like anything else about it.
Kris Statlander & Hikaru Shida def. Brandi Rhodes & Mel
Brandi Rhodes really wants Kris Statlander to join the Nightmare Collective, her stable of strong girlfriends and also Dr. Luther. But Statlander doesn’t wanna. She wants to wrestle and boop noses. They ruined her title match against Riho last week, so she and Hikaru Shida teamed up to fight them about it. I’m not sure why Shida and Statlander are a team other than that they are both good guys with fantastic bone structure. Actually, do they have similar jawlines? The match was eh. I’d rather see Shida and Statlander wrestle each other than team up, but what do I know?
Video Segment: The spooky Dark Order cult guy gave a Powerpoint presentation on recruiting the frequent losers of AEW. It’s a good bit. I don’t know why it said “Paid for by the Dark Order” afterwards like it always does with their fake commercials, but… Oh well. It’s wrestling!
Jon Moxley def. Sammy Guevara
Sammy Guevara is a perfect AEW heel. His influencer/YouTuber gimmick is a distinctly hateable heel vibe. He has the high flying moveset that fits the company style, and he’s really cute in a way that makes you just want to kick his ass. Which John Moxley did. Great job. Then the rest of the Inner Circle beat Mox up and Jericho used one of his jacket spikes to like… gouge out Mox’s eye? Damn.
MJF, The Butcher & the Blade def. Diamond Dallas Page, Dustin Rhodes & QT Marshall
MJF had a shirt that said “I banged Dallas’ daughter” that he was showing off. Then they had a wrestling match that I didn’t enjoy. Which is wild because I usually love old men doing dives! I still don’t understand who QT Marshall is, and I don’t care enough to try to find out. Why is MJF tight with the Butcher & the Blade & the Bunny? They have a whole BDSM thing going on that doesn’t make sense with MJF and Wardlow’s vibe at all.
Hey, that reminds me. There’s a lot of spooky perverts on this show. The Dark Order? Spooky pervert cult. Nightmare Collective? Spooky pervert collective. Butcher & the Blade & the Bunny? Spooky pervert throuple. What is going on? It makes me appreciate the Inner Circle and the MJF/Wardlow duo just for not being spooky or perverted.
PAC def. Darby Allin
Finally something I can sink my teeth into!
PAC and Darby Allin wrestled to determine who will face Jon Moxley next week to get the next shot at Chris Jericho and the AEW Championship. This was a perfect match-up as far as I’m concerned. PAC is an angry little beefy bastard. Darby Allin is a determined little pain freak. They both have incredible star power, significant in-ring ability, and all of my love and devotion. PAC’s high-flying powerhouse monster thing works the best against a smaller, also fast guy like Darby. If you watch one match from this episode, make it this one.
After winning, PAC got on the mic and talked about how pumped he is to challenge Jericho, since Moxley won’t be able to wrestle him with only one eye. Mox stormed out of an ambulance to tell PAC that it’s still on, because where they’re going (Chris Jericho’s Rock ‘N’ Wrestling Rager at Sea, a cruise ship experience held by professional wrestler, musician, author and actor Chris Jericho), they won’t need eyes. PAC vs Mox next week should be a treat, but I honestly will be waiting impatiently for more PAC/Darby.