Dan Lambert: A Review

Here’s what I know about MMA in the United States:

  • Georges St-Pierre rules.
  • It was kind of funny when people branded Ronda Rousey’s success as some kind of feminist achievement.
  • Dana White sucks.
  • Joe Rogan sucks.
  • Dan Severn and Don Frye.
  • Ken Shamrock.
  • UFC 1 and UFC 2. The original UFC logo. That whole aesthetic.
  • “Human cockfighting.”

I am not qualified to review Dan Lambert the man, the owner of American Top Team, the gym that claims UFC Women’s Bantamweight and Flyweight Champion Amanda Nunes as one of its own. Thankfully, the Dan Lambert I am speaking of here is not a man, but a wrestling character, apparently the new manager of the still newish tag team of Scorpio Sky and Ethan Page.

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Since showing up and getting Black Hole Slammed by Lance Archer, Lambert’s routine has been to show up on Dynamite, call AEW a terrible product, criticize concepts like “flips” and “people who aren’t just big piles of quivering muscle,” and wonder why wrestling isn’t the way it was back in the 1970s, when he fell in love with the sport.

There are people who like this, but I’m not one of them. I know that Lambert is legitimately a huge fan of wrestling, and it’s pretty cool that his interest in promotions like Pancrase led him to MMA, but I have a tin ear for what he’s doing, which seems pitched to annoy people my age based on the wrestlers they like and things like cancel culture. There are already several wrestling podcasts that do this, to say nothing of the seven hours of television WWE puts out every week, so why we need an extra 2-7 minutes of it a week, even in an easily digestible “boo the heel” format, is beyond me.

Dan Lambert

5.7

Watch out! He'll stuff you into a locker.

Pros
  • He sounds pretty squeaky when he's threatening to stuff you into a locker.
  • I am too big to be stuffed into a locker.
  • His promos would sound great if Tim Robinson were doing them.
Cons
  • He probably would try to stuff you into a locker.
  • That wouldn't stop him from trying to stuff me into a locker.
  • His promos sound like they're being done by Dan Lambert.
  • Snowflakes. Millennials. Cancel culture.
  • Probably the one time in the history of the world where a middle aged man has complained about the lack of "real men" in athletic competition and I've felt nothing homoerotic buried in it.
  • He owned a travel agency called "Caribbean Cruise Line," which sold cruise packages. Cruises suck.
  • Highly doubt that that agency's class action lawsuit over dishonest business practices comes up at the next Chris Jericho Boat Show, so why even bother being a carny?
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Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand is a minor transsexual poet and nu-metal enthusiast.

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