CM Punk’s Longboys: A Review

The last thing I expected from CM Punk’s return to professional wrestling was new gear. Beyond the touch of grey in his beard and the happiness with which he seems to have approached his new environs, everything else about him—the irreverence, the theme music, the way he calls out to and interacts with a crowd—felt unchanged.

But I should have expected it. Punk is very much a “chapters of a career” guy, someone with a long memory and a deep appreciation for lore, so his transition to longboys makes sense. On the independents he wore basketball shorts. In WWE, he wore short trunks. In the UFC, he wore fight shorts. And now, having passed through three phases of his life as a professional athlete and entering his fourth, he has discovered the longboy.

A term first used by Trent? (I assume) to describe Kazuchika Okada’s surprising 2018 turn to long tights, the longboy is a time honored look in the great sport of professional wrestling. But the *real* longboys are full leg tights suddenly becoming part of a wrestler’s look after years of showing off leg. Okada’s a great example, but imagine if, after a lifetime of being Mr. Ass, Billy Gunn wore tights that went beyond emphasizing his nom de guerre. Mr. Ass wouldn’t just be wearing tights, he’d be wearing longboys. Until now, you’ve always been able to see some part of CM Punk’s legs. Now that he’s got them longboys, you can’t. It’s simple.

More AEW All Out 2021 Microreviews

CM Punk's Longboys

8.9

A pair of long, black tights with Chicago stars and blue piping on the sides.

Pros
  • Keeps legs warm in chilly arenas
  • Extra compression probably helps with blood circulation
  • A singlet away from the best wrestling look, the "Bret 'Hitman' Hart"
  • According to Trent? and a Twitter rando, makes guys look taller, making Punk 6'6" like Adam Cole
Cons
  • Oh good, another instantly recognizable pair of wrestling tights that will never be made into leggings.
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Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand is a minor transsexual poet and nu-metal enthusiast.

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