Last night, Bryan Danielson and “Hangman” Adam Page wrestled to a 60-minute time limit draw. It was a brilliant match, utterly breathtaking in the way it wasted exactly zero of the 60 minutes it was given, full of references to other epic championship clashes and even more packed with its own original ideas. I could go on, but I’m not here for classic matches.
I’m here for Bryan Danielson’s shitty little jumping jacks.
Bryan Danielson began the match doing his shitty little jumping jacks. Bryan Danielson did his shitty little jumping jacks while Adam Page was getting checked for a concussion. Bryan Danielson did his shitty little jumping jacks late into the match. And what did Danielson get for this commitment to the bit? The scorn of the live crowd and the adoration of the Internet.
Danielson’s cardio is legendary, but beyond “look at how much punishment he can take” and “look how long he can wrestle” and “witness his prowess at the Hindu squat,” his supreme mastery of the regulation of the human heart is such that it is one of the main components of his heel persona. This isn’t new, exactly—Ric Flair liked to brag about being a 60-minute man, which had a double meaning, but hey, Ric Flair didn’t do shitty little jumping jacks during his matches against Ricky Steamboat, so fuck Ric Flair.
- The shitty little jumping jack was obviously the way to go, as opposed to the full-on Vitruvian Man spread of PE class.
- Effective way of showing you’re not even breaking a sweat while working your way towards breaking a sweat.
- Bouncy pecs.
- Stay limber while your opponent bleeds out because of something mean you did besides a shitty little jumping jack.
- “I have good cardio” is otherworldly heel shit.
- Didn’t even break 1,000. Pathetic.