Alexa Bliss’ Doll Lilly: A Review

I will not pretend to understand anything about Fiend Lore, because there is nothing to understand. That’s not a knock on Bray Wyatt—the guy’s whole thing was vaguely making reference to a tortured past as an omen to an apocalypticly wonderful future, and it didn’t really matter if he was a swampman or an evil children’s TV host.

Unfortunately, Alexa Bliss got swallowed up in this nonsense, transforming herself from “wrestler guys were troublingly into” to “wrestler men were disturbingly into thanks to the magic of infantilization and the occasional bit of magic goo. She was accompanied by Lilly, a doll who, through the magic of wrestling-grade CGI, occasionally winked, which scared Bliss’ rivals even when they said they were decidedly not scared. When The Fiend was released earlier this year, Bliss carried on, and carried Lilly with her.

That’s all over now. At Extreme Rules last night, Bliss lost to Raw Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair, who made it known that she wanted the old, wrestling Alexa Bliss and not the new(ish), spooky one. After the match, Flair ripped Lilly to shreds.

I’m going to skip over how WWE cheaped out on Alexa’s reaction to all of this because it’s unfortunate and not at all the performer’s fault. Instead, to eulogize Lilly, a doll that totally cannot be sewn back together and restuffed, I am going to review her brief, tortured existence on this earth.

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Alexa Bliss' Doll Lilly

7.5

For the better part of a year, Alexa Bliss has carried around Lilly, a doll who doesn't really do a ton except sit on the turnbuckle like a totem of weak-yet-demonic power.

Pros
  • *wink*
  • Fewer teeth than some wrestlers carry around.
  • Unlike Undertaker's urn, didn't require an intermediary.
  • Some people are afraid of dolls so this probably worked for them.
  • Nobody insisted on calling Lilly an action figure.
  • WWE missed the boat on doing an Elf on the Shelf gag/toy with her.
  • Can be replaced for $40 on WWE Shop.
Cons
  • Demonic, but unable to protect itself while a mean lady ripped it up.
  • Teeth.
  • Not full of worms or some shit.
  • I have a hard time believing Lilly wouldn't match the buttons on her overalls. Tighten it up.
  • On television for a year and nobody speculated on the value of the doll or looked it up on eBay.
  • Probably forced to use her own money for her Alexa Bliss overalls.
  • *wink*
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Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand is a minor transsexual poet and nu-metal enthusiast.

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