What is height? According to the eggheads at NASA, height is how tall something is, measured in objective terms like feet and inches and centimeters. You go to the doctor and they lift the big metal stick on the scale and they say, yes, this is how big you are, this is the size of you.
It’s fucking fake, honestly. It’s fake. I’m here to tell you that it’s all fake.
Former NXT Champion and noted cheekbone owner Adam Cole made wrestling headlines this week by yelling at a bland ginger podcaster in a worked shoot about his height. Or his size. Or something. He yelled, he said the fuck word and he yelled and stormed out of the studio. Because according to “science,” Adam Cole is probably shorter than the 6′ he is billed as being. According to “objective reality,” he’s kind of a small guy, a delicate wrestler with some muscle and a spray tan. Maybe he’s closer to 5’8″.
Wrestling lies. Wrestling lies to you about how real it is, about who people are, about who is whose sibling and who can do swamp magic and who has how many eyes and who is good and who is bad. Wrestling lies about how big people are. A lot. Wrestling lies about height and weight a lot. Because wrestling is big and it’s bigger and more exciting to say someone is SEVEN FEET TALL than it is to say 6’8″. Wrestling is fake so the rules are fake, the numbers are fake, the sizes are fake. Everything is exaggerated. You know, like Roland Barthes said that time. I don’t need to repeat it.
My point here is that it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t mean anything.
So I’m going to make a bold claim now. Are you ready?
Adam Cole is 6’6″
Okay maybe that’s not quite the bombshell I was hoping for, since I tweeted it out this morning and also made it the headline of this post, but I still think it’s important to talk about. My evidence here is none. I have no evidence. I’ve never met Adam Cole, will probably never meet Adam Cole, will never witness him being measured from the top of his long haired head to the soles of his mysterious feet (I’ve never seen them thus they are mysterious.) So I can’t tell you anything conclusive about Adam Cole’s height. But I feel in my heart he should get to be 6’6″, and isn’t that what really matters?
I see a lot of people denying things that are proven by science every day, and these are things that matter, things that have massive global and local ramifications. Maybe we need to make some objective scientific truths more flexible, like a safe space to deny science. This is my big idea. Height isn’t important. It has no impact on anything except I guess how high of shelves people can reach or where they can comfortably stand. Adam Cole’s height has no impact on any of us. That’s why I can say that he’s 6’6″ without feeling bad about it at all. We can all just start saying that. It’s fine.
Imagining a world where Adam Cole is 6’6″
If Adam Cole is 6’6″, what does that mean for everyone else? Are the rest of the Undisputed Era also 6’6″ now? How tall does that make Keith Lee? This is part of what makes Adam Cole is 6’6″ so great: it makes everyone taller. There is so much pain and suffering in the world today. Wrestling is a mess. Everything feels hopeless. But a world where Adam Cole is 6’6″? That makes me feel optimistic. I think he should get to be 6’6″. I think he’s 6’6″ now. I hope you’ll join me.