I have a new favorite thing, and it’s Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Nintendo Switch’s hottest summer release for people who like having tea parties in video games. That’s me. I like things like that. (You can also have gay romances, which owns! And did I mention tea parties?)
While I was paying way more attention to this extremely fun game this week than to pre Clash of Champions weekly WWE television, I got to thinking… What WWE talent would I want on the battlefield with me? What classes would they be? Who would have the best storylines? Who would I want Byleth to settle down and spent the rest of their life with?
1. Falcon Knight: Charlotte Flair
Charlotte Flair has everything I look for in a member of my House: she’s strong, she’s fast, she’s tough, she’s a quick study, and she has a complex morality that I know is going to lead to compelling conversations. Someone with Charlotte’s smarts, athleticism and daunting size could be pretty much any class. I originally was going to have her just be a knight, and definitely would for early stages of the game. However, her high flying abilities keep getting better, and I’ve got to celebrate that by putting her in the air.
Favorite Gifts: Training Weight, Riding Boots
Favorite Teatime Topic: “Successful plots…”
2. Dancer: Shinsuke Nakamura and 3. Sniper: Sami Zayn
Arguably the coolest class in FE:3H is the dancer. Dancers can use magic and wield swords, but they also just show up and do little dances at people on the battlefield to get them amped up! Imagine being on the battlefield and Shinsuke Nakamura shows up to give you a YEAOH! Wouldn’t you be energized enough to have an extra move? I certainly would. This unique class is a perfect choice for someone who is equally exciting, healing and powerful!
Sami Zayn isn’t getting a ton of ring time in WWE, but I think assigning him as Nakamura’s adjutant makes more sense than making him his manager. As a sniper class adjutant, Zayn could get experience through their powerful bond and sometimes also shoot an arrow or two. I would definitely enjoy that.
Favorite Gifts (Shinsuke): Dapper Handkerchief, Book of Sheet Music, Fishing Float
Favorite Gifts (Sami): Sunflower, Coffee Beans, Watering Can
Favorite Teatime Topic (Shinsuke): “Fashion…”
Favorite Teatime Topic (Sami): “Books you’ve read recently…”
4. Swordmaster: Candice LeRae
I was fully intending to give this spot to Io Shirai, but Candice’s sudden attack on Shirai on this week’s NXT made it abundantly clear. Candice LeRae loves and needs swords. She sees a sword and she comes running. Candice LeRae, wrestling’s favorite tough cupcake, is a perfect Fire Emblem: Three Houses character. She is tough, hard working, chipper, and has a variety of interests ranging from Disneyworld to kicking ass. Would FE:3H even be charming without its badass sweethearts? Doubtful.
Favorite Gifts: Tasty Baked Treat, Ceremonial Sword, Armored Bear Stuffy
Favorite Teatime Topic: “Shareable snacks…”
5. Wyvern Lord: Keith Lee
Sure, I love many diminutive high flyers in wrestling, but on the battlefield, I need someone with muscle! Even in the air! NXT’s Keith Lee combines power and heft with speed and athleticism in a way that is perfect for wielding an axe from on top of a flying monster. Check out his match from this week’s NXT against Donovan Dijakovic if you don’t believe me.
I’m not only thinking about how many of the Flame Emperor’s minions Keith Lee could fuck up. It’s also important to keep personality in mind! Keith Lee seems like a pretty chill guy to have around, plus he’s probably a great student.
Favorite Gifts: Book of Crest Designs, Ancient Coin, Board Game
Favorite Teatime Topic: “Monastery mysteries…”
6. Assassin: Sasha Banks
I am just as hyped up about Sasha Banks’ return as ever, so of course I’m recruiting her. Sasha Banks is tough, talented, and stylish, but more than anything else, she is cunning. How surprising and well-timed was her return, after all? Banks is fast, smart, and all-in-all perfect assassin material. I can totally see her doing cool moves with Byleth on the battlefield, deftly dodging the attacks of our foes and countering with deadly efficiency. Plus this means I get to have tea with her every single week!
Favorite Gifts: Hunting Dagger, Coffee Beans, Lily
Favorite Teatime Topic: “I heard some gossip…”
7. Warrior: Brock Lesnar and 8. Dark Bishop: Paul Heyman
At the end of the day, I can’t ignore a prospect as powerful as the duo of Brock Lesnar and his advocate Paul Heyman. At first glance, I totally figured Lesnar for one of the heavy armored classes, but think about it! He’s way too fast. This big ham of a man is definitely a Warrior/War Master type of dude. I mean, just picture him on the front lines, bashing in knights’ helmets with a big ol’ hammer or mace. His bond conversations probably won’t be that interesting, but Paul Heyman’s would be good. Maybe.
Paul Heyman would make a great magic user, both for support and attacking. You could even assign him as an adjutant to Lesnar, which is kind of like being an advocate, right?
Favorite Gifts (Brock): Armored Bear Stuffy, Smoked Meat
Favorite Gifts (Paul): Exotic Spices, Board Game
Favorite Teatime Topic (Brock): “Relaxing at the Sauna…”
Favorite Teatime Topic (Paul): “Your ambitions…”
9. Gremory: The Fiend
Bray Wyatt’s new “Fiend” character might not seem like the best option for your team’s main healer, probably because no one would want to get healed by that guy. Still… who has more innate magical ability than Wyatt? The Undertaker is too old and slow to get around the battlefield and heal all his allies. Aleister Black doesn’t even like leaving his room. (Stop stealing Bernadetta’s gimmick, Aleister!)
Fire Emblem’s two main magical skillsets are reason and faith. One of the major themes of the whole game is the clash between those two forces. Bray Wyatt’s Fiend alter ego is a perfect encapsulation of that conflict, in one person, so it’s actually a perfect fit. Even if he’s very scary to look at. And maybe evil.
Favorite Gifts: Goddess Statuette, Stylish Hair Clip, Landscape Painting
Favorite Teatime Topic: “Children in the market…”