The big news in WWE this week was the announcement that NXT will be a two-hour live show on USA starting next month. This will be a huge change in format for the erstwhile developmental brand, whose pre-taped one hour weekly episodes have been a welcome change in pace from Raw and Smackdown. The King of the Ring Tournament got underway, seeing the eliminations of Apollo Cruise, Sami Zayn, Kevin Owens, and Cesaro. All in all though, it was a pretty lackluster week of television.
Am I going to talk about any of that in this article? Absolutely not. This is a list of the seven most important aesthetics of the week. I only said that stuff before for SEO.
1. Beating up an injured woman while wearing an ab window romper
The only thing better than attacking someone you just beat up the week before to bully her about having a dead dad is doing it while wearing a rhinestoned romper with a cutout to show off your incredible abs. (With over-the-knee boots no less???) If this encounter on Raw is any indication, Sasha Banks’ wig reveal ass kicking last week was just the beginning of breathtakingly essential energies on her part.
Becky Lynch’s brutal words about Sasha being “the greatest to never be great” sound like they’re leading into a title shot at next month’s Clash of Champions. My fingers are crossed for Sasha Banks to take her rightful place as the meanest woman in WWE.
2. Hypebeast Dominick
After winning custody of Eddie Guerrero’s son Dominick in that 2005 ladder match, Rey Mysterio was clearly a great dad to his new kid. Not only did he train him as a wrestler and promise that Dominick would debut as his partner, he also buys him really expensive t-shirts. This Louis Vuitton one is, no joke, $600. Along with the George Costanza glasses and chains, Dominick looks like he should be riding a skateboard down Fairfax Blvd while vaping. It’s an incredibly potent vibe. (Also, I guess they are going to team together soon.)
3. Zelina Vega’s jacket dress thing
Yes Zelina Vega kinda cheated to help Andrade win his first round King of the Ring match, but I always say if you’re going to cheat, cheat in style. La Muñeca never fails to bring a look to the ring, and this tuxedo jacket that she wore as a dress over a pair of lace bike shorts (!?!?) on SmackDown was truly inspirational. I feel like I haven’t talked enough about Vega’s outfits, which is really a shame. She’s probably the best dressed wrestling manager in the game today.
Tuesday’s SmackDown was pretty whatever. The talking segments were particularly tough to watch. However, the saga of Daniel Bryan, Rowan, Buddy Murphy and Roman Reigns was a real treat. The story so far was that Buddy Murphy had claimed that he saw Rowan driving the forklift that pushed scaffolding onto Roman Reigns before Summerslam. Rowan denied it. He and Daniel Bryan then went out and independently found the real culprit behind the attacks on Reigns, who they just kept bound and hooded in a room for the entirety of this week’s SmackDown.
The ending of the episode made up for the lackluster two hours that preceded it. Bryan and Rowan unmasked their captive, revealing… some dude! But not just any some dude! It’s some dude who is big and white and bald with a bushy red beard just like Rowan! My only complaint was that the camera didn’t stay on these three silent scraggly beards quite long enough before panning to Roman Reigns. I would have liked a full minute. I really want to dwell on these beards. I want to be challenged by their volume and density.
5. The Fiend murdering Jerry Lawler
As happy as I am for WWE’s grumpiest and oldest 35 year old man Corey Graves getting to go on vacation, I didn’t want to have to sit through a whole episode of Raw with Jerry Lawler on commentary! Fortunately, everyone’s favorite guy, The Fiend, appeared and attacked Lawler. It was extremely chill. I strongly feel that spooky clown men attacking (alleged) creeps is one of the very finest aesthetics out there today.
6. Matching umbrellas for all your boys
There were quite a few crucial aesthetics on this week’s 205 Live, which consisted of an hour-long ten man elimination match. Humberto Carillo’s entrance cape is, of course, extremely important. Angel Garza tearing off his pants mid-match is similarly can’t-miss. Still, nothing quite captures the true meaning of teamwork like matching accessories. I’m not even that big a fan of Jack Gallagher’s umbrella spot, but it ended up being a great way to unify Oney Lorcan’s team. Can we credit jumping off the top rope holding umbrellas with Team Oney picking up the victory over Team Gulak? Of course not. But the mental edge that matching presents gives to a newly formed team cannot be denied.
7. Velveteen Forever
There’s only one thing better than Velveteen Dream getting rolled out on his special Velveteen Dream sofa, and that’s Velveteen Dream in velvet tights, white go go boots and BLACK! LACE! GLOVES! Ok fine, the sofa is just a black leather couch draped in purple fabric, but look at him! Look at that attitude! He made a joke about topping! I love him!
Recommended Viewing: Daniel Bryan vs Buddy Murphy, 205 Live, Becky Lynch’s promo on Sasha Banks, Sasha Banks’ Raw interview and Natalya attack.