7 Astrological Explanations for WWE the Week of July 28, 2019

The Big Dog vs the Small Planet at Summerslam?

Something you may not know about me, your humble WWE recapper, is that I have studied astrology for several years and am something of an amateur astrologer. It’s a very hip thing to be into these days, so like the hipster that I am, I avoid talking about it. But this week, with Leo Season going strong and the end of Mercury Retrograde, WWE was so wild that I just had to get into how the stars are involved.


1. It’s the most Leo week of Leo Season

What images come to mind when we think of pro wrestling? Bright colors, rad muscles, sequined robes, spray tans, bold hairstyles, pyrotechnics, fringe… Roland Barthes called wrestling the spectacle of excess, and no sign in the zodiac does spectacular excess like Leo.With the Sun and both major interpersonal planets (Venus and Mars) in Leo this week, Leo and non-Leo wrestlers alike were at peak lion.

There’s a lot more to Leo than just being shiny! One crucial Leo quality is loyalty. Thanks to Venus, the planet of love and friendship, currently being in Leo, WWE had some beautiful displays of loyalty this week. If your heart wasn’t warmed by Fandango rescuing Tyler Breeze or by our noble WWE Champion Kofi Kingston doing some seriously sick moves to AJ Styles on Smackdown alongside his brothers in the New Day, I don’t know what to tell you. Like, do you even care about friendship?

Leo is also the sign of big gestures and self-confidence. With Mars, the planet of conflict, in Leo, we saw WWE wrestlers boldly staking claims on TV. I mean, Kevin Owens literally looked into the camera and reminded us that Smackdown is the Kevin Owens Show. Cedric Alexander jumped off a wall of LEDs on Raw. Alexa Bliss was her usual Leo self but also bit Becky Lynch in a very >:3 way. (Is Alexa Bliss the Team Rocket Meowth of WWE? Sound off in the comments.)


2. Womp womp, that’s Mercury Retrograde!

For the uninitiated: Mercury, the fastest planet in the solar system and ruler of Gemini, presides over communication, technology, thought and travel. When Mercury goes retrograde, appearing to move backwards through the sky, we are plunged into a series of stupid, mundane catastrophes. (I broke my favorite measuring cup and got mad online too many times.)

Roman Reigns was just trying to walk to his interview to talk about Summerslam on the last night of Mercury Retrograde without anything bad happening. God, I feel that. Like, I bought a beautiful thing of brand new cherry tomatoes and dropped them ALL and had to throw them away. Roman Reigns had a whole scaffolding fall on top of him. And then a stack of those big metal boxes full of showbiz stuff. (Lights?)

Fortunately Roman Reigns escaped unscathed, leaving him more annoyed than anything else. The expectation is that a human person knocked these over to sabotage him, but… I think it was just a classic Mercury Retrograde fluke.


3. Sometimes Mercury Retrograde is even worse than scaffolding falling on your head

Seth Rollins (Gemini) getting the crap beaten out of him by Brock Lesnar (Cancer) during a Mercury Retrograde in Cancer is the perfect metaphor for how all Geminis probably felt over the past few weeks. The two are set to face off at Summerslam next weekend for the Universal Championship. This beatdown served as a reminder that Rollins should fear his big ham baby opponent. If we think about it astrologically though, it’s a little bit deeper than that.

Ruled by Mercury, Gemini is a very quick-moving sign, much more concerned with new interesting things than dealing with old baggage. All retrograde cycles present opportunities for growth and reflection, and if we ignore them and insist on moving forwards without finishing up the old business the stars are asking us to address, we will end up bleeding from the mouth in an ambulance. That’s just science. And when I say science, I mean pseudo-science. And when I say pseudo-science I mean very legitimate and real pseudo-science, because astrology is extremely real.


4. Flairies vs Stratittarius

Trish Stratus’ return on Tuesday was a great example of how to handle Mercury Retrograde before it straight up Brock Lesnars you. Stratus was one of the most prominent women in WWE in the 2000s, and took the brunt of WWE’s very iffy treatment of women at the time. Yes, she is a seven-time Women’s Champion and was featured heavily in TV storylines, but she was more or less totally objectified for her entire run. (Google it. It sucks. Vince McMahon is the worst.)

Now that women in WWE are treated more like human beings, it’s a perfect time for Trish Stratus to come back for one last match. I mean, a really perfect time. An astrologically perfect time. The 43 year old Stratus is a Sagittarius, the final and most mature fire sign. She is facing 33 year old Charlotte Flair, an Aries. (The baby fire sign and first sign of the entire zodiac.) Them having a match while the Sun is in Leo creates a powerful triangle of fiery cosmic energy flow called a grand trine.

Did the veteran mother of two consult her chart before making this decision? There’s no way to know, but the stars are literally aligned for it. I mean, announcing this on Tuesday night, the final night of Mercury Retrograde in Cancer (the sign most commonly associated with motherhood), when the Moon (ruler of Cancer) was also in Cancer? That’s some very potent mom-getting-closure energy.


5. Dolph Ziggler’s entire deal

So remember all that nice stuff I said about Leo and loyalty and showmanship? There’s another side to the sign, and that side is embodied by Dolph Ziggler. Everything from his catlike face to his big hair to screaming “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!” to having both “stealing the show” and “I’m too good” on his entrance graphics is a huge part of the “ugh” side of Leo.

Showing up to Smackdown last week in a polyester bomber jacket to yell at Shawn Michaels (who has some prominent Leo in his chart as well) for taking attention away from him was classic Leo behavior, as was doubling down this week. There are tons of wrestlers in WWE who were born under the sign of Leo. Not one of them combines being flashy and confident with not being very interesting like good old Dolph.


6. Becky Lynch, do you need to talk to someone?

Our beloved Raw Women’s Champion was acting pretty strange on Raw this week. First, she attacked Fit Finlay, an old man dedicated to helping the WWE Women’s Division grow and prosper. Then she attacked Natalya, who was just trying to learn counters for their match at Summerslam. She was mean to Nikki Cross for no reason, and didn’t even show much interest in her boyfriend being taken away in a stretcher.

Becky? What is going on?

No, don’t look at WWE Creative. The sky has all the answers we need. See, Becky Lynch has her three most important personal planets (Sun, Moon, Mercury) in Aquarius. Every sign has an opposite, and the opposite of Aquarius is Leo. Where Leo is selfish, Aquarius is altruistic. Where Aquarius is unconcerned with what other people think, Leo seeks approval. Leo Season can be a tough time for people who are Aquarius heavy, like Becky Lynch. So now instead of just being unconventional and witty, looking ahead to new, interesting prospects, the Man is insensitive, rude and impatient.

Becky! Get it together! Or don’t. I actually really prefer mean Becky Lynch. Kicking nice old men? Now that’s straight fire!


7. The 24/7 Championship is the Mercury Retrograde Championship

Named for the Roman god, Mercury also rules over mischief and humor. What is the synthesis of mischief and humor with mundane stupid catastrophe? The 24/7 Championship, that’s what! There was no better way to close out the summer’s Mercury Retrograde than by kicking off Raw with a *squints* uh… Mosh pit mixed tag team 24/7 Championship match? (A mosh pit match is apparently the exact same thing as a lumberjack match, but with a different name. Probably for Mercury Retrograde.) R-Truth retained against Drake Maverick only to lose to Mike Kanellis when the entire mosh pit piled on top of him. It was a perfect continuation of the comedy of errors that has been this young championship’s beautiful legacy.

Mike Kanellis then losing the title to his dominant pregnant wife Maria (who may or may not now be cucking him with the championship itself) wasn’t as obviously Mercury Retrograde as the slapstick antics that preceded it. But I think we can still draw some connections. While it was obviously very, very horny, horniness really isn’t in Mercury’s jurisdiction. Still, one could make the argument that the only fitting way for a Mercury Retrograde in Cancer to end is with the Mercury Retrograde Championship in the hands of a mother.

A closer look at Maria Kanellis’ natal chart even reveals that her North Node is very close to where Mercury ended its retrograde cycle. Does this mean that it was Maria Kanellis’ karmic destiny to be the first ever pregnant 24/7 Champion? I’m going to say: yes.

Recommended viewing: Pretty much all of NXT, but especially Cameron Grimes vs Bronson Reed, the Maria Kanellis stuff on Raw was genuinely a treat and Brock Lesnar beating the tar out of Seth Rollins was rad if you like blood. Jon Moxley vs Toru Yano in New Japan’s G1 Climax tournament wasn’t in WWE, but it was the best thing in pro wrestling you’ll see all week.