Who at Fanbyte Would Survive the Beach That Makes You Old?

I haven’t seen Old, the M. Night Shyamalan movie about the beach that makes you old, so I don’t know how the beach that makes you old works.

But I have listened to this week’s episode of Friends Reunion, in which usual host John Warren discusses Old with special co-hosts Features & Trending Editor Elise Favis and Featured Contributor Natalie Flores. (It’s at 49:25, if you want to skip to it.) This led, naturally, to a discussion of who of the Fanbyte staff would survive the beach that makes you old, from the movie Old.

It’s a great episode, but this question in particular set my imagination alight.

Who would survive? I took an informal poll of some members of the Fanbyte staff and applied my own analysis to try to determine what our chances look like.

Elise Favis, Features & Trending Editor

  • Age: 29
  • Special skills: Juggling

Survival Likelihood: 0/10

By her own admission, Elise is definitely not making it out of the beach that makes you old alive. She’s seen the movie, so I trust her. Also lmao Elise can juggle??? That owns.

Imran Khan, News Editor

  • Age: 35
  • Special skills: already feels old, would not perceive aging up

Survival Likelihood: 0/10

Any chance Imran would have to survive the beach that makes you old would unfortunately be lost due to not paying attention to the beach making him old.

Taylor Hicklen, Community Lead

  • Age: 30
  • Special skills: Spite, bad puns

Survival Likelihood: 1/10

Spite and wordplay would not help Taylor at the beach that makes you old.

Nicholas Grayson, Brand Editor+

  • Age: 25
  • Special skills: Already young

Survival Likelihood: 2/10

Okay, yes Niki is young, but the “watch this” mentality seems like a major liability on the beach that makes you old. Plus, avid listeners of Friends Reunion know that Niki’s allergic to everything.

Steven Strom, Managing Editor

  • Age: 30
  • Special skills: Firearms

Survival Likelihood: 3/10

If the beach that makes you old can be defeated by shooting it, Steven’s chances are great. But I don’t think that’s how it works, and also we would need to find a gun. 

Jordan Mallory, Podcast Producer

  • Age: 34
  • Special skills: Can start a fire without tools and tie many useful knots

Survival Likelihood: 4/10

Actual Survival Skills seem like they would come in handy at the beach that makes you old. But Jordo would have to survive getting VERY old. 

Danielle Riendeau, Editor-in-Chief

  • Age: 37
  • Special skills: Already old, emergency medical training to treat injuries

Survival Likelihood: 5/10

On the one hand, Danielle is the oldest of the bunch going into the beach that makes you old, which does count against her. On the other hand, she’s a cheerful jock with medical training. Her presence would definitely increase everyone else’s survival rates, but the beach that makes you old is cruel and unpredictable…

Natalie Flores, Featured Contributor

  • Age: 24
  • Special skills: Being better than everyone who opposes her

Survival Likelihood: 6/10

Being better than the beach that makes you old doesn’t sound like it would be at all helpful. Of course she’s better than the beach that makes you old. It’s a beach that makes you old. That said, Natalie is young, so if all goes well she could be walking out of the beach that makes you old as a stylish old lady.

Kenneth Shepard, News Writer

  • Age: 28
  • Special skills: Aging slowly/still looking like a teen

Survival Likelihood: Gael Garcia Bernal/10

Aging slowly is not helpful on the beach that makes you old. Unless it is. Actually I don’t know because I don’t know whether or not Gael Garcia Bernal survives or not. But he played teens in his 20s. Whatever happens to Gael Garcia Bernal in the movie is what happens to Kenneth.

merritt k, Podcast Czar

  • Age: 33
  • Special skills: Tunneling

Survival Likelihood: 6/10

Tunneling out of the beach that makes you old is actually a very good strategy.

Fūnk-é Joseph, Featured Contributor

  • Age: 23
  • Special skills: Good with animals

Survival Likelihood: 7/10

As one of our youngest staff members, Fūnk-é’s chances are already excellent. Their ability to potentially befriend a porpoise to swim them to safety makes them one of the most compelling choices to survive the beach that makes you old.

LB Hunktears, Social Manager+

  • Age: 32
  • Special skills: Beach avoidance

Survival Likelihood: 9/10

Even if I agreed to join my beloved coworkers at the beach that makes you old, I would 100% flake on those plans and stay home, probably sending the “sorry guys T_T I can’t make it” text about 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet. There’s a small chance I would get zooted as hell and actually show up about 3 hours late, look around at the beach that makes you old, and then die instantly.

John Warren, Head of Media

  • Age: 36
  • Special skills: Wheelchair

Survival Likelihood: 10/10

John may be one of our older staff members, but the beach that makes you old is not wheelchair accessible, which means he isn’t even going in the first place.

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lb hunktears

fanbyte social manager+ lb hunktears is the world's first PhD hunkologist as well as a noted genius, leather jacket owner and three time college dropout.

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