There’s only one thing in the known universe more enduring than Final Fantasy VII, and that’s Final Fantasy VII fandom — its very horny fandom. Twenty-three years after its original release, Final Fantasy VII Remake has revitalized the series’ own fierce shipping discourse. Now everyone is horny once again and very opinionated about the source of that horniness. But who should be shipped with whom doesn’t just determine which AO3 tags you comb through in another tab; it says a lot about who you are as a person.
Or probably not… This is for funsies, so it’s fine! That said, as usual, I am also 100 percent right.
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You’re the kind of fan that today’s crowd would call Problematic. You miss the time when all the bishies were crying during sex and getting beautifully run through with swords. FFVII’s slow evolution of the Sephiroth and Cloud ship into basically Hannigram for weebs is all you’ve ever wanted. You have absolutely written wing!fic. You are gay.
You cry easily and you miss the simplicity of childhood. You are gay.
You’re a practical person who believes in strange things like “common sense” and “context clues” — like, oh, say, two people cuddling outside an airship the night before the end of the world. You are also a high-functioning alcoholic with a stable office job who is constantly stuck in Zoom meetings these days. You’re probably straight actually.
This one depends on whether you got on the Cloud/Jessie train back in 1997, or if you’re coming at it fresh in Remake. If you’re an OG Cloud/Jessie fan, congratulations! You are an individual of taste and culture. If Remake is your first FFVII, you must live with the knowledge that your every squee-filled tweet is a dagger in the heart of any OG Cloud/Jessie fan who labored in obscurity for 23 years. In both cases, however, you are gay.
You refuse to pit two women against each other when it’s clear their actual romantic chemistry is with one another. There is a 100 percent chance you have a locked NSFW account for retweeting lewd fanart and you have very strong opinions on the sidelining of women in fandom. You are, big surprise, gay.
You know that video of a cat locking eyes with its owner as it slowly and deliberately pushes a glass off a table? That’s it. That’s Rude and Reno. You have added My Chemical Romance’s “Demolition Lovers” to every playlist you’ve ever made, and you almost certainly love the Yakuza games. You are gay.
Neither of these two have shown up in Remake yet, so if this is you then you’re definitely the sort of person who carries a torch for a decades-old ship based entirely around an aesthetic and a single suggestive line of dialogue. You had a vampire phase you’re deeply embarrassed about now. You are gay.
You live for drama, or you just really like to see two twinks making out. You are super gay.
You flout the conventions of monogamy and the gender binary. You also probably have a separate save file just to quickly replay the Wall Market quests whenever you want. While labels do not define you, you are absolutely gay, and so thirsty and undernourished for good OT3 content that it’s killing you. Fight on, CloTiRis shipper. For the ship name alone, you must endure!