Y’all heard of this music stuff? It’s sounds, but put together in a fashion that feels good to the ears (or bad, if you like pervert shit like atonal music). There are immense repositories of it all over the place. YouTube, Apple Music, my grandma’s garage. The folks over at Riot Games have taken to one of the most popular of these repositories (Spotify) to create individual playlists for each of the eleven agents in Valorant. As the youngest folks on staff, Ren and I have taken it upon ourselves to review some of these playlists using a scientific*, well reasoned*, and hyper accurate* scale. If the playlist isn’t in this piece then it’s because it was so bad we had nothing to say about it. Here we go.
Ren: FUCKIN IMPECCABLE, this one is excellent folks. Some of the most lesbo ass music I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Almost every artist here is either incredibly gay or at the very least when you google their names one of the first results is “Lesbian Fanfic.” I’ve always known Viper was a big ass lesbo, but this is on a whole new level. Also, as a playlist it is pretty alright! It has a nice emotional/narrative arc and putting Phoebe Bridgers in there is basically a direct shot on my person. Overall, an objective 9/10. In my heart however, it is a 9.5/10 (it’s missing a Julien Baker song, if this playlist had a Julien Baker song in it I would listen to it genuinely and frequently).
Niki: This playlist makes me want to give a hug or receive a hug.
Ren: That’s what lesbian music is all about. OH MY GOD THIS IS HER BREAKUP PLAYLIST. JESUS. SWEETIE WHO HURT YOU.
Niki: Sova not listening to music and just listening to weird beats 100% tracks. Look at this man and tell me that he wouldn’t listen to this track. You can’t. Wind chimes and a drum machine are all this dude needs to blaze it so hard he can see through time while spinning one of his arrows in his fingers like a pencil.
Ren: I listened to this one while mindlessly practicing in an aim trainer so I could click heads better, and the trance state it put me in was very good for the clicking. Honestly, I think that’s the optimal environment for this particular playlist.
Ren: Okay. I like Sage’s playlist a lot. I’m not gonna get into it beyond that because there is something about this playlist that is more important than anything else in this piece. Apparently, apparently, Sage listens to Summer Feelings which is a totally fine pop song. The thing that I’m hung up on is the fact that it is from Scoob! The Album, like Scoob! the movie we just did a You Love To See It on, the existence of which enacts great psychic violence upon me. The playlist gets a solid 8/10, but the existence of Scoob! The Album gets a 3/10 from me.
Niki: Raze’s playlist is almost beat for beat stuff my good friend Ali would listen to. The whole playlist sounds like a pregame at her apartment before hitting bars in San Francisco and for that, I now have a deep love and appreciation for Raze. She listens to “One Dance” by Drake unironically as she puts her makeup on, slowly bopping back and forth and doubling the amount of time it takes to put her eyeliner on – but it’s fine because those wings are always perfect.
Ren: Raze fucks.
Niki: When Ren told me they made playlists for all of the Agents in the game I was like: “Wow, I can’t wait to see what fucking trash grime my brother Phoenix listens to in his free time.”
The first track is Peak Grime. My guy’s got a song by Big Shaq in here. Yes. “Man’s Not Hot” Big Shaq. I’m gonna make a fucking montage of me playing Phoenix and put it to “Man’s Not Hot” like it’s YouTube in 2010. You think I won’t? I will, I promise.
Ren: He will. Trust me.
Ren: Niki do your funny Omen burn.
Niki: This dude Reaper listens to the Interstellar soundtrack for fun, and that’s why he’s useless competitively. I hate this dude.
Ren: Yeah fuck him up. Also like, I dunno. A playlist like this has potential. But the execution is so sloppy. Film soundtracks? Fuck outta here, gimme some good ambient shit. And why the fuck isn’t Mount Eerie on here? Most of their earlier work is about the absence of being and conceptual loneliness. Real Omen shit.
Ren: Cypher’s playlist is so good it makes me feel guilty about how mean I was to him about his shitty tinder profile.
Niki: Cypher’s playlist is the best one in the set. It’s diverse, with tracks from Samm Henshaw and Tom Misch. I’ve found myself unwinding after work to this playlist, and now the whole thing is just in my Summer 2020 playlist. Cypher’s the most musically intelligent of all of the Agents in the game, imo.
Niki: god is a woman by Ariana Grande is a good song, thanks for coming.
Ren: got another lesbo here folks, another win for women.