Hi Lady Gaga.
It’s been a weird week for all of us, but I wanted to take a moment to reach out. How are you? No doubt you’ve been busy, so I won’t take up too much of your time.
I couldn’t help but notice that you were asking about Fortnite after all the hullabaloo that was the Fortnite Chapter 2 launch this week. Naturally the Twitterverse came to your rescue to inform you about the game, but among those people was Tyler “Ninja” Blevins.
Call me on the Telephone. I'll give you a Million Reasons to play. You and I. pic.twitter.com/dL6y6bJrrW
— Ninja (@Ninja) October 15, 2019
You followed up by asking him who he was, so to answer your question, he’s a streamer (but on Mixer, not Twitch) and part time Masked Singer contestant. But what you might not know is Ninja has streamed with some big time celebrities like Drake in the past, and there’s a groundswell of people who are saying you should join him and play Fortnite sometime. But Gaga, the Mother Monster herself, while I’ve got your attention, here’s some possible alternative uses of your time rather than streaming with Ninja.
- Learn to play as Bayonetta and become a Super Smash Bros. pro
Gaga, you’ve been vocal about your love for Bayonetta on Twitter, and honestly, that’s a true match made in Paradiso: two badass queens with good fashion sense ready to stomp on the throats of angels. But if you didn’t know, Bayonetta is a playable character in the last two Super Smash Bros. games: Super Smash Bros. for 3DS/Wii U and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Admittedly, Bayo’s having a bit of a rough go of it these days in Ultimate but if you dedicate the time to practicing and learning match-ups instead of going on Ninja’s stream, I’m sure you can bump her up to competitive viability in no time.
- Direct a stage production of A Star is Born
Anyone who gives even a marginal amount of a damn about movies has probably seen A Star is Born in the past year. Anyone who has a radio in their car has heard your incredible rendition of the award-winning song “Shallow” at least a few times. Gaga, what if you were to adapt this adaptation into an entirely different medium: Broadway musical. Imagine a budding new actress whose dream it has been to perform on a Broadway stage finally getting to her starring role, under your direction, no less. Who better to help this rising talent tell the story of an abusive relationship that gets glorified because of the excellent musical talent and performances behind it than the woman who starred in it? No one I can think of, that’s for sure.
- Work on your next album
Anyone who actively pays attention to a musician’s career knows that albums take time. Not only does the music have to be written and recorded, but it’s often in between touring and press appearances. And you just put out an award-winning film during your latest album cycle. You’ve been killing it, Gaga. But your last album Joanne is coming up on its third anniversary. It’s time for you to take some time to reflect on all this and channel that energy into a new record. I know I, along with the rest of your many, many fans, am eager to hear how your sound has grown in all this time. However, you can’t be putting that musical magic on a disc if you’re playing Fortnite with a dude who doesn’t like to stream with women unless it benefits him.
- Literally just make another meat dress
Gaga, you’ve been streamlining your look these past few years, and we respect it. You’ve come a long way since the eccentric look of The Fame era, and you know what? Who doesn’t love an elegant black dress as you sing your heart out with Bradley Cooper at the Oscars? That being said, the best artists have the ability to shock and surprise people. You’re clearly capable of doing that, and your outfits have made headlines for it. The best way to shock people is go back to a classic. Yes, I’m talking about your meat dress. While the original is preserved in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame through the magic of taxidermy, what’s stopping you from making another one? Heck, if you don’t want to wear it yourself. I’m sure there’s someone out there who would pay top dollar for it. You’d make their year.
- Look into Ninja’s history of sexism and homophobia and then stream with someone less problematic
Gaga we’ve established a few things today, including that you’re a busy woman and that you don’t know who Ninja is. So before you go, here’s my last suggestion for you Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta: use what spare time you have to learn who this guy is. There’s the answer that a lot of big outlets and Google searches will give you: he’s a 28-year-old streamer who plays a lot of Fortnite to the audience of several million people, a lot of whom are kids, for millions of dollars. He even made an appearance at the New Year’s Eve broadcast. Dude’s a pretty big deal. But he also doesn’t stream with women to avoid rumors and accusations of cheating on his wife, claims that this quote came from an interview “bathroom hallway at a party years ago,” but then doubled down on it in a prepared statement that followed. Also he has moments like this on his stream where he perpetuates homophobia that is already incredibly pervasive in online games:
Times Most Influential People of 2019: "Ninja helped make gaming what it is today."
Ninja (cw: language): pic.twitter.com/3fHayowShY
— TERRIFYLER (@tylercolp) April 18, 2019
Gaga, if you must stream with someone, please find someone who can both teach you about Fortnite without also using his platform in the ways Ninja chooses to.
Come on Late Lunch instead!