I Ate Two Needle-Punctured Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Now I’m Extremely Powerful

Today at the Fanbyte offices, I grabbed several handfuls of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and returned to my desk. In the morning, I opened my second cup to find it had a perfectly round and relatively deep puncture in the top. I asked Twitter if I should eat it and I got mostly “no” except one of you said I should post about it. I didn’t. It’s just a single weird Reese’s. It’s fine.

Several hours and a bag of Maui Onion potato chips later, I opened another Reese’s to find another such puncture. I knew what I had to do. I dug the first one out of my trash can and ate it. I also ate the second one. Neither tasted particularly different, but now I’m very powerful.

When at one time I could barely lift my Republic of Gamers Fanbyte-issued laptop PC with one hand, I can now chuck it across the room with great ease. My Bad Tweets coffee mug; I crushed it in my hands like Lennie Small so now I need to buy another one. I can grab both straps of my backpack in Death Stranding with one hand. I know, right?

Anyway, I don’t know what to tell you. Just follow your dreams. Eat Reese’s out of the trash. Don’t believe the part of your gut that says “there’s definitely cleaning fluid injected into this confection.” It’s not. It’s super serum.

 

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John Warren

I miss Texas sometimes. Wheelchair person. Professional wrestling is humanity's greatest achievement. He/his, y'all.

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