Sad news, loyal friends who click through the link to read my pieces each day: today’s my last day doing daily news writing for Fanbyte. The good news, as I’ll explain later, is that I’ll still be around. And the better news is, y’all get Ken in the morning and Natalie on the weekends. They are fantastic and I honestly almost yelled in delight when each one came on board! More Slack friends, ahoy!
But this is still a sad day for me. Yet, I believe I still have precious minutes of editorial privilege in crafting content for this beloved website. So, readers, I ask you to lean in and heed my first call to action.
These ducks? Yes, you saw them scrolling down. This line of merchandise, officially sanctioned by popular franchises, that are basically just really fancy rubber ducks.
Protect them. That is all I ask of you.
Why, you ask? The story goes — I first found these children weeks ago at the Herald Square GameStop.
hey!!! um!!! who do I contact about requesting more of these absolutely perfect children!!!! pic.twitter.com/Vv8nAcJTDv
— Victoria Rose, Zenos's #1 Catgirl (@riningear) February 6, 2020
Instantly, I exclaimed: I don’t know any of these characters but they are MY (UNPURCHASED, HYPOTHETICAL, SPIRITUAL) CHILDREN NOW. (Actually, I did know Cayde-6, but I’m not invested enough in Destiny 2 to really care.)
Hours later, the PR team for TUBBZ, the cosplaying ducks, found me. And the next morning, I was informed of important news: There. Would. Be. MORE.
And more there were.
BEHOLD. MORE LICENSED COSPLAYING DUCKS.
The new lineup includes the DOOM reboot, The Last of Us, Resident Evil and more. Some of these ducks are extremely timely, given new media for these series are coming out.
Take, for instance, these Sonic the Hedgehog ducks, featuring Sonic and Doctor Eggman as ducks:
Honestly, Eggman works way too well like this. It’s a little uncanny. Sonic? Hm. Come back to me on that one.
But here’s one that makes me laugh every time:
Joel from The Last of Us.
Yes. This is a rubber duck version of Joel from The Last of Us. You know: big, gruff guy with a gun. Every time I see that squint in these duck eyes, paired with the wing holding the gun, I really cannot help but burst out laughing. It’s perfectly cheesily endearing.
This Joel? He is my son. I love this child. Dear Reader, you must make sure no harm comes to him.
Of course, I got all these incredibly high-effort photos because they’re dropping the line soon (and preorders are open now). And the TUBBZ line already has plenty of interesting names: Batman, Destiny 2, Borderlands, The Lord of the Rings and more.
More Like This:
- The Video For the Sonic Movie’s Theme Song is Kinda Dope
- The DeMiicratic Primary 2019
- A Guide to the Rough Early Seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation
Honestly? If I had any more room in my house, I would start a collection of these. Or, right now, I could just buy a ton, call it part of my freelance deductions, and throw them all in my bathtub to keep my roommate company every morning during his shower. Nothing like Doom (2016) Guy staring up at you while you scrub your butt.
And no, I’m not getting paid to write this, nor did I actually get any of these ducks in the mail. I just really, really love this and hope this destroys the pop culture reign of You-Know-What Figures. Believe in the ducks, friends. I believe in their power.
Anyway, it’s been a journey doing news, and I’m sure y’all will miss my horrible headlines and social media posting. But Fanbyte can’t get rid of me yet; we’re just refining my chaos, as I’ll be a contributor-at-large doing more frequent op-eds and features. Except that’s more like turning stones into diamonds. And by diamonds I mean, the Chaos Emeralds. (My editors know not of my quest for them. That’s between us, dear reader.)