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Bruce Banner’s Pants Are Truly The Mightiest Avenger

No, we're not talking about the big green guy.

Okay, so I’m not particularly far into Marvel’s Avengers, and in all honesty, I don’t know how much more I’m going to play now that I realize that there’s grinding involved in its campaign, but I gotta talk about something. I gotta talk about Bruce Banner’s pants. No, not the ones that manage to stay on him when he turns into a big, green monster, I’m talking about the ones he’s wearing when he’s just being a normal dude. Because they are truly the hardest workers in the room.

I spend a lot of time looking at butts when I’m playing video games. Who among us has not afforded a cursory glance at a video game man’s ass when they were doing other video game things? Hell, the main character’s bare ass was probably the only thing I really liked about Ghost of Tsushima, and his was only uncovered for seconds of a several hours-long story. We get no such nudity in Marvel’s Avengers, but Bruce Banner’s tight pants don’t leave much to the imagination.

Video game animation has gotten so good over the years that now, we see would-be Hulk’s toned, superhero tuchus moving as he walks like a real person’s would, and his strut has that ass swaying from side to side as his pants attempt to contain this motherfucking birthday cake. He’s got elastic pants under there in case he suddenly turns green, but it’s maybe working overtime to take on some of Dr. Banner’s pants’ regular workload. Teamwork makes the dreamwork, am I right?

Who is fighting harder to hold back the beast inside? Is it Bruce Banner, constantly at war with himself as he fights for influence of his own body against the big green menace lurking inside his mind? Or is is it these grey trousers that are trying so hard to hold it all together that they form a series of creases calling attention to Dr. Banner’s crotch? Who can say?

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I’m still wrestling with whether or not I’m going to finish Marvel’s Avengers, because even if I did care for the grindy, beat-em-up lootathon, I don’t have a ton of attachment to the Avengers themselves. I’m more of a Guardians of the Galaxy and X-Men fan when it comes to Marvel, personally. But if Crystal Dynamics is ready to offer up these butt physics for all its leading men, perhaps there is some treasure to be found under the piles of loot drops happening every time I’m just trying to just be a superhero. If nothing else, Black Panther is supposed to be on the way, so they’re starting to delving into characters I really enjoy in the post-launch content. Spider-Man is on the way, too, and we all know that Marvel is ready to show us all his best bits.

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Kenneth Shepard

Kenneth is a Georgia-based writer who still periodically cries about the Mass Effect trilogy years after it concluded.

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