6 Extremely Real & Serious Rise of Skywalker Spoilers DO NOT POST

Note: these are all true, so make sure you don't post them or Disney will sue us for real this time!!

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker marks a return to form for the multi-billion dollar film franchise. Creative genius JJ Abrams, best known as the cinematic equivalent of that horrible man that stalks your nightmares whose face you can never quite recall — whose acts of dreamlike violence slip from your memory, leaving only a vague sense that something happened — is back! And in the feel-good story of the year, uncle Disney has given him him yet another chance to write a satisfying ending for the first time in his career. Who says second, third, or even fourth chances can’t happen (for very wealthy, famous white men)?

More than half of critics (about 59 percent) already agree that the ninth numbered Star Wars is good fun! With that endorsement, and the fact that our reviewer legally cannot to spoil the movie yet, in mind, we decided to do it for them. We’ve gathered together every fact we know about the movie and put them all in one place! And now we’d like to share our thoughts on what happens to our friends Luke, Han, Darth Vader, Obi-Wan, and Jabba the Hutt in this latest installment. So without any further ado, here is our Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker spoiler discussion, as chosen by the Fanbyte staff!

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Steven Strom – Managing Editor

King Palpatine created 20 keyblades. Of these, he gives seven to light and 13 to darkness, in order to restore balance to the Force. Kingdom Hearts then appears over the skies of Mustafar, but it’s been corrupted by Xehanort — turning it into a heart-shaped fourth Death Star.

JJ Abrams, in his desire to un-retcon the biological determinism retconned in The Last Jedi, reveals that Rey is actually the Nobody of another famous who disappeared during the Clone Wars, also named Rey. That’s right! Rey’s name is actually X-Rey. Her “parents” weren’t actually her parents at all. She was immaculately conceived by the creation of a Heartless. She was always super dope and magical and destined to lead the genetically inferior citizens of the galaxy in the next Key-Star-Blade War.

Also that kid with the broom at the end of the last movie turns out to be the son of Mara Jade and Xemnas. That’s why he has psychic powers and stuff.

Danielle Riendeau – Senior Editor

I’ve heard this movie plays it really safe and undoes some of the fun, wild-ass maybe-even-a-little-leftist antics of the last one. Therefore, I predict a descent into “pleasing the fans” and “hearing both sides” and “course correcting” straight into a “Ben Kenobi’s not all that bad, folks!” scene, complete with a Skywalker family picnic. Darth Millennial will show up, feeling awkward, but he’ll be the star of the show once everyone figures out his red lightsaber cooks the meanest bantha burger, and all that murder is forgiven! 

John Warren – Editor-in-Chief

What’s wild about this one is the Palpatine stuff is a misdirect and it’s just a confirmation of all the “Jar Jar is a Sith Lord” stuff that started back in the prequel trilogy. Even more bold is the fact that Rose Trico actually kills Rey and Kylo in the first 20 minutes and takes turns with Finn and Poe <looks you dead in the eye> who are married, by the way, skipping the Millenium Falcon across a random lake on Naboo.

Niki Grayson – Social Editor

I’m going to see the movie in about 12 hours but I was able to get a sneak preview of the opening crawl:



The FIRST ORDER still reigns. Supreme Leader Snoke fucking ate it in the last one but none of y’all liked the cool shit that Rian Johnson did in THE LAST JEDI so we had to bring JJ “Jar Jar Abrams” back in to close this one up.

Desperate to appease the worst people in the galaxy, the RESISTANCE embarks on a quest to find the one person who can restore a spark of hope to the fight: Legendary Pilot Dash Rendar. 

But the Millenium Falcon is running out of gas…”

Now, the weird thing about this is that it doesn’t make any sense and isn’t funny at all. It shifts perspective a couple of times, sometimes in the same sentence. They don’t even mention the FinnPoe marriage stuff, which is a huge development between the two films. 

Anyway, The Last Jedi fucking ruled, don’t @ me. 

Dillon Skiffington – Guides Editor

 The only thing I’ve heard so far is that John Boyega wasn’t as much of a fan of this one. Obviously that must mean some sort of Star Wars Brexit has occurred. Also, yes John, Finn and Poe get married. But the shocking twist is Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley getting into a relationship which ends with a word for word reenactment of that one scene from Marriage Story??? Wow!

After an hour and a half of maneuvering, all of the characters get into one big climactic battle to determine the fate of the galaxy. Luke, Yoda, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gonn all show up to cheer on Rey. That Nazi guy who is Kylo Ren’s lover according to fanfiction sacrifices himself to save Ren from a fatal blow. The clone of Sheev Palpatine reveals that he was the architect behind every event that has happened in the sequel films, somehow. Darth Vader shows up but his armor is painted white? It turns out it’s Leia’s Force Ghost, and she cuts off Kylo Ren’s hand and shows him the power of friendship. 

Ren throws Palpatine out an airlock then dies telling Rey that she was right. Everyone escapes before the Death Star they’re on (one of a thousand smaller Death Stars) explodes, triggering a chain reaction that kills everyone in the First Order. Finn and Rose kiss and Poe nods approvingly. R2D2 beeps and everybody laughs.

In a post-credits sequence, we see a soldier hurriedly take a datapad to Commander Poe. He looks at it and his brows furrow. He puts it on his desk and gets up to look out the window, up into the night sky. We pan to the data pad. It reads “Threat Assessment: Yuuzhan Vong.” Cut to black.