A List of Things to do on a Bellator-less, UFC-less weekend

Doing things is hard but it's also necessary, so here are some suggestions.

If there’s one thing this past year has taught us it’s that neoliberal capitalism has failed us all and it is now an existential imperative that we reimagine the way we organize as a society. But, perhaps of more relevance to the point of this particular column, it’s taught us that doing things is hard.

I mean, I’d assume there’s really no debate there. Doing things involves spending energy, while not doing them means saving energy, which honestly, makes this a very simple mathematical issue.

Alas, things inevitably need to be done. As much as I want to, I can’t protect you, myself or anyone else from that. What I can do, though, is help with what I would argue is the hardest part of the entire thing-doings process: deciding which of the things get done when there is no alternative but to do them. And since this upcoming weekend is free of both UFC and Bellator events*, thus depriving us vile MMA people of our usual excuses to not do things, I figured now would be the perfect time to generously offer this invaluable service.

Here’s a comprehensive list of things to do this weekend, which may or may not have been loosely based on my personal experiences with doing things.

*The lack of UFC and Bellator events does not mean there isn’t MMA  — or other combat sports — happening over the next couple of days. If you wish to continue avoiding doing non-MMA things, Twitter institution @Grabaka_Hitman has got you covered with several options.

 

via GIPHY

    • Write a thing
    • Draw a thing
    • Bake a thing
    • Get that book that’s been staring at you for six months and read it for at least 15 pages or whatever amount of time your conscience deems sufficient to justify putting a picture of it on your Instagram stories
    • Unsubscribe from all the mailing lists you keep you saying you will unsubscribe to from but never do
    • Be outraged by people saying things online
    • Mentally reprimand someone on Twitter for their poor use of commas then reprimand yourself for being a judgmental asshole
    • Stretch
    • Convince yourself you can definitely become a novelist as soon as you’re able to hone in on a central concept and proceed to reward yourself with a glass of wine for this invaluable personal and professional breakthrough
    • Clear out your spam
    • Reflect on the inevitability of death
    • Go to your bookmarks and read at least one of the 17 articles that have been sitting there for months
    • Go to your bookmarks and attempt at least one of the 32 recipes that have been sitting there for months
    • Finally answer your laptop’s pleas and update it
    • Use your foam roller for the first time in three years
    • Delete your tweets from 2013 so they don’t come back to haunt you when you’re a celebrity
    • Throw out your old underwear
    • Throw out your old shampoo bottles
    • Watch the Friends Reunion but, like, low-key
    • Reflect on how short-lived CDs were as a technology
    • Google the ages of people who are popular now and feel bad
    • Google “people who were old when they accomplished things” and feel better
    • Listen to at least one full episode of one of the several podcasts you’ve subscribed to that one time you saw that list of best podcasts of 2020
    • Go for a run

 

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  • Think back to that one time someone called you “a terrible hack writer” on Reddit and sink into the warm, familiar embrace of crippling self-doubt
  • Read old writings and decide that Reddit guy might be right but also that you might actually a misunderstood generational talent (either/or)
  • Watch videos of Brad Mondo reacting to America’s Next Top Model makeovers on YouTube
  • Click on the America’s Next Top Model video YouTube will then suggest, thus going on a spiral that will inevitably lead you to conclude that Tyra Banks is somehow at least partially responsible for the demise of society
  • Floss
  • Make yourself a fancy bar drink and lie to yourself that you will never pay for an overpriced fancy bar drink again 
  • Reflect on your past mistakes
  • Get radicalized by Karl Marx
  • Accidentally subscribe to get emails from Quora and just roll with it
  • Give a friend a random compliment
  • Give yourself a random compliment
  • Try a workout video by a fitness YouTuber and/or watch several videos of people trying workout videos by fitness YouTubers (studies conducted by the university of me indicate the energy expenditure is virtually identical)
  • Watch sports that aren’t MMA
  • Watch things that aren’t sports
  • Don’t watch things and contemplate the abyss instead

     

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  • Contemplate the abyss to the sounds of Radiohead’s 1997 “OK Computer” album
  • Contemplate the abyss to the sounds of JC Chasez’s 2004 “Schizophrenic” album
  • Research “JC + Justin + friends???” and realize it doesn’t matter because Lance has always been the real MVP and also we’re all going to die
  • Feel old
  • Eat a snack
  • Unfollow Instagram people who only make you feel bad about yourself
  • Mute Instagram people who either annoy or simply bore you but who you still kind of like on a personal level
  • Answer that one harmless catch-up text that you forgot to immediately respond to immediately and has now grown into this dark cloud hovering above your head and haunting your every move
  • Look up “meal prep ideas” and pretend like you’re going to meal prep
  • Maybe actually meal prep, if that’s your thing
  • Do planks
  • Watch an entire make-up tutorial and stare at your own make-up items for a few seconds before deciding you’re missing too many essential items to even try and also what’s the point, no one cares, life has passed you by and you may as well embrace the fact you are now a swamp creature
  • Remember beauty is a construct
  • Do your eyebrows anyway
  • Make sure you’re in total darkness and no one can see you and watch old lip sync battles (especially the Tom Holland one)
  • Remember shame is also a construct
  • Do laundry
  • Clean your shoes or at least that one particularly disgusting shoe
  • Research “baby bangs” and fantasize about a world in which you can pull them off
  • Look at clothes online for several hours while some grisly murder show runs in the background because that’s unfortunately the kind of person you are
  • Watch the Zoë Kravitz “High Fidelity” and be sad that it’s cancelled
  • Read “The Meaning of Mariah Carey” and be angry at how we treated Mariah Carey
  • Read about every single female pop star who’s ever lived and be angry at how we treated all of them
  • Think fondly of Britney
  • Worry
  • Try one of those free sample face masks you have from Sephora
  • Pretend that you’re about to start a consistent skincare routine
  • Get high and watch Bloodsport dubbed in Spanish 

  • Decide that on Monday you’ll give Rosetta Stone another try because it really is time to finally learn Spanish
  • FaceTime your mom
  • FaceTime your dad
  • FaceTime your mom and dad simultaneously if unlike me you’re not the product of a broken home
  • FaceTime whichever loved one you’re supposed to FaceTime but never do
  • Catch up with “Mare of Easttown” before the finale this Sunday
  • Research “Mare of Easttown” fan theories so you can impress your significant other with all of your insight
  • Purchase an exercise item you will never ever use
  • Retrieve an exercise item you have never used and consider using it at least once
  • Untangle your Christmas lights
  • Remember you own a Goodreads account and rate a thing like a proper intellectual
  • Begrudgingly listen to the Olivia Rodrigo album
  • Begrudgingly tweet your take on the Olivia Rodrigo album
  • Nap
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