With a whopping fifteen matches announced for the preshow and main show of Wrestlemania, we’re looking at a runtime of, according to my calculations, a million hours. Don’t worry though! I’m giving you a guide to get you through.
Is anyone else kind of bummed out there’s only three women’s matches when there are SEVERAL men’s singles matches that aren’t for titles on the main show?
Women’s Battle Royal
All of the Smackdown women’s division’s hopes and dreams rest on this preshow Battle Royal. It’s the second year of the NOT THE FABULOUS MOOLAH MEMORIAL Women’s Battle Royal, which was won last year by Naomi, but nothing really happened with it. The trophy looks like a brass uterus. Now that the Smackdown Women’s Championship is part of the triple threat main event, Asuka is sure to be a big focus in the battle royal. This is also probably where we’re going to see Lacey Evans actually get in the ring, which is what it is. The only storyline really going into this is that no one in the match has a storyline right now.
Best Possible Outcome: Having someone from NXT pick up the win here would be a very cool way to get her onto the main roster, and actually give the whole thing some more stakes. I’m really just hoping Lacey Evans doesn’t win it, though.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
The biggest storyline going into the big preshow battle royal is that Braun Strowman HATES Weekend Update SNL dudes Michael Che and Colin Jost. He wants to beat them up so bad that he will beat up anyone who fits their basic demographics and anyone who enjoys Weekend Update.
Best Possible Outcome: Asuka enters as a surprise and beats everyone after Braun Strowman throws a New York City taxi cab at Colin Jost’s face.
Cruiserweight Championship: Tony Nese vs Buddy Murphy (champ)
Tony Nese won a 205 Live tournament to challenge enormous Australian guy champion Buddy Murphy. They were friends I guess but then Murphy betrayed Nese.
Best Possible Outcome: I feel like Buddy Murphy has been champion for a really long time? So I want Tony Nese to win.
Kurt Angle Farewell Match: Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin
Kurt Angle’s final WWE match is set to be against… Baron Corbin. The reasoning is that Corbin replaced Kurt Angle on Raw as General Manage. No one else wants this match to happen.
Best Possible Outcome: John Cena beats up Corbin and takes his spot, then Angle wins.
Falls Count Anywhere Match: The Miz vs. Shane McMahon
Miz and Shane bonded over wanting their dads to love them, but then Shane turned heel on Miz at Fastlane after they lost to the Usos. Then Shane put Miz’s dad in a really goofy chokehold! They’re having a falls count anywhere match because they’re just so mad!
Best Possible Outcome: Shane jumps off of something dumb, Miz’s dad wrestles Vince McMahon also. Then they all jump off of something dumb. It doesn’t matter who wins, just please let it be so, so, so dumb.
Non Title Match: Randy Orton vs. AJ Styles
Randy Orton keeps attacking AJ Styles and making fun of him for being an indies guy so they get to have a match at Wrestlemania about it.
Best Possible Outcome: I guess it’s AJ winning and proving the validity of the independents again? Who cares. Match will probably be pretty alright.
Raw Tag Team Championship: The Revival (champs) vs. Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins
The Revival have been defending against the teams of Chad Gable & Bobby Roode and Aleister Black & Ricochet in fantastic matches, both in televised matches and on house shows. It would have been great to see another one here, but I understand the rationale of pitting them against Main Event mainstays and perennial jobbers Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins. Especially since the match was announced via social media with no televised build-up. Curt Hawkins is currently on a very long losing streak, while Ryder went almost a year without getting on TV. This match feels a little bit like a “please don’t sign with AEW” appeasement, but it will still hopefully be very fun. If anyone can catapault Ryder and Hawkins into babyface stardom, it’s the Revival.
Best Possible Outcome: I want to see the Revival retain. I watch Raw every week for my recaps and I want to see the Revival every week when I do that. Having the Revival as champions is just good for the in-ring product.
Smackdown Tag Team Championship Fatal Fourway: The Usos (champs) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura & Rusev vs. The Bar vs. Aleister Black & Ricochet
Alexa Bliss announced this match on Tuesday as a punishment for the Usos’ actions during the New Day tag team gauntlet match. There’s really not much in the way of story here other than that. Commentary has been trying to sell how over not being appreciated Rusev and Nakamura are, but the actual men Rusev and Nakamura seem to be too over it to sell how over it they are.
Best Possible Outcome: It looks like the brand split is about to end, so we can look forward to the winners of this match facing the winners of the Raw Tag Titles to create a unified WWE Tag Team Championship. I would love to see the Usos wrestle the Revival, so that’s what I’m hoping for. Ricochet & Aleister Black are also very strong contenders.
No Holds Barred Match for Triple H’s Career: Triple H vs Batista
So, Batista attacked Ric Flair on his birthday and then came back to demand a ‘Mania match with his old rival Triple H. He’s been wearing a lot of great suits and doing INSANE promo work. Triple H appeared on Raw to read a letter from Batiasta’s lawyer saying that he won’t do the match unless the stakes are Triple H’s career itself. As much as I’ve loved seeing this angle, I’m not sure how good an actual match this will be.
Best Possible Outcome: How great would it be not have to see Triple H matches on Wrestlemania every year anymore? But it looks like they’re setting up Big Dave to lose. At least we can all be sure that their entrances will be buck wild.
Non Title Match: Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre
Drew McIntyre hates the Shield. He keeps beating them up and antagonizing Roman Reigns. Then McIntyre challenged Reigns to a ‘Mania match using his shoot name, saying Roman beat cancer but he won’t beat him. McIntyre has had Reigns’ number every time, so the big question is if the Big Dog is up for this.
Best Possible Outcome: Roman Reigns wins and the match is good. Also Drew McIntyre shows everyone his butt.
Intercontinental Championship: Bobby Lashley (champ) vs. The Demon Finn Balor
Balor and Lashley have been hot potatoing this title for a little while now, but Balor has only beat Lashley for it by pinning Lashley’s manager Lio Rush in a handicap match. Will he get it right this time? Will Lio Rush get in any cool wrestling moves or just insult the local sports teams for heel heat some more?
Best Possible Outcome: Lashley retains and Finn Balor moves on to a more interesting feud. More importantly, I really hope the dick outlines are blasting in this match.
Women’s Tag Team Championship Fatal Fourway: Boss N Hug Connection (Sasha Banks & Bayley, the champs) vs. the IIconics (Billie Kay and Peyton Royce) vs. Natalya & Beth Phoenix vs. Nia Jax & Tamina Snuka
Inaugural WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions Sasha Banks and Bayley are so dedicated to defending the title across all three brands (Raw, Smackdown and NXT) that they’re defending against two fellow Raw teams and one Smackdown team. The story so far is: Boss N Hug’s last defense was against Jax & Snuka, and they won, but then Jax & Snuka beat them up and beat up Beth Phoenix. So now Beth Phoenix is back and a team with Natalya. The IIconics beat Boss N Hug on Smackdown by cheating in a non title match so they’re in here too. The four teams had a faces vs heels tag match on Raw this week that was really fun, so I’m hoping this match will be fun as well.
Best Possible Outcome: Nia Jax and Tamina Snuka try to jump the other teams backstage during the preshow, but they end up getting beat up too badly to compete. Their last minute replacements are NXT’s Sky Pirates: Io Shirai and Kairi Sane, who win the whole thing!! (I said best possible outcome, not best probable outcome. Natalya and Beth are probably winning this one.)
United States Championship: Samoa Joe (champ) vs. Rey Mysterio
Samoa Joe won the title off R-Truth at Fastlane but got pinned by Mysterio in a tag match on Smackdown. Rey has been doing promos with his son Dominick (from the ladder match for custody of Dominick storyline) but then they didn’t do anything with it, which is a bummer. Dominick may still factor into this match, but I doubt it. Mysterio has a storyline leg injury that he got on Monday in a match with Baron Corbin, so that will probably come up a lot. This will be a strong contender for match of the night.
Best Possible Outcome: Rey Mysterio wins, leading to more Mysterio/Andrade matches but with much higher stakes. Samoa Joe can move on and become a proper contender in the Universal or World title pictures.
Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar (champ) vs. Seth Rollins
Seth Rollins won the Royal Rumble and used the win to challenge Brock Lesnar. The story here is basically that all the fans hate Brock and love Seth because Seth is a hard working man of the people type guy. The whole angle has been kept completely afloat by the fantastic promo work Paul Heyman and Seth Rollins have been pulling off every week on Raw. The quality of this match is entirely up to Brock Lesnar, who can still absolutely put on a great show if he wants to.
Best Possible Outcome: Seth Rollins loses, but all the Shield guys come out for one final Shield fisting anyways.
WWE Championship: Daniel Bryan (champ) vs. Kofi Kingston
When Elimination Chamber entrant Ali got injured and had to be replaced, New Day member and 11 year WWE vet Kofi Kingston wrestled an incredible gauntlet match on Smackdown to take his spot. After Kingston almost won Elimination Chamber, fans started to call for him to get a title match with Daniel Bryan anyways. That match was announced for Fastlane, but then Vince McMahon replaced Kingston at the last minute with a returning Kevin Owens. Finally, after a grueling gauntlet match that he almost won, Kingston got his title shot at Wrestlemania thanks to his New Day brethren winning a tag team gauntlet match. Kofimania is here.
Best Possible Outcome: Kofi gets the win and we all cry tears of joy.
Raw and Smackdown Women’s Championships: Ronda Rousey (Raw champ) vs. Charlotte Flair (Smackdown champ) vs. Becky Lynch
Becky Lynch was set to face Ronda Rousey at last year’s Survivor Series when a Smackdown attack on Raw went wrong and Nia Jax punched Becky Lynch so hard that Lynch couldn’t compete. The red hot Lynch, recently dubbed “the Man,” called on her long time rival and erstwhile friend Charlotte Flair to replace her. At the time, I remember people saying that Becky’s injury was a blessing in disguise, because it meant she and Ronda could face each other for the first time in the main event of Wrestlemania. That was almost six months ago. After Becky Lynch won the women’s Royal Rumble and challenged Ronda Rousey, Charlotte Flair was made her replacement by the McMahons as a punishment for Becky Lynch’s disrespect to her bosses. Becky won back her spot at Fastlane when Ronda Rousey interfered and got Charlotte disqualified. Charlotte Flair won the Smackdown Women’s Championship from Asuka in an impromptu Smackdown match that left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths, so now this match is for both titles.
Best Possible Outcome: Becky Lynch wins both titles and starts having matches with people who aren’t Charlotte Flair and Ronda Rousey for a little while.