This week on Channel F (the Fanbyte Video Game Game Show), host merritt k enlists Steven, Danielle and Fūnk-é to help suss out the actual best cast possible for a film based on Konami’s 1998 PlayStation classic Metal Gear Solid. Oscar Isaac? Who?? You mean Timothée Chalamet? And just how twinky does Revolver Ocelot’s actor need to be while portraying a man in his early 60s, anyway?
Meanwhile, the group’s knowledge of Rare games (that’s capital-R Rare, not to be confused with games that just happen to be difficult to find) is put to the test in “A Rare Quiz.” Is merritt showing favoritism by designing a challenge that her close friend and boss Danielle Riendeau is particularly suited for? Is she, as they say, greasing the wheels?? You know what, you be the judge. Listen to the episode and tell us if you think merritt is cheating or not in a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts (or with an equivalent rating on your podcast platform of choice). Or just tell a friend! We may be owned by a company that’s owned by a billion-dollar multinational corporation, but our little network still relies on your word of mouth to grow. Help us grow with your mouth!
Channel F Ep. 168: Madea Gear Solid
Segments: A Rare Quiz, Stunt Casting (Metal Gear Solid Edition)
Here are a few of our chief learnings from today’s exercise:
- Lady Ghostbusters set lady Mask back by 20 years (this is tragic, when you think about it).
- You can take the man out of the twink, but you can’t take the twink out of the man.
- Okay, wait, maybe Dennis Rodman actually is decoy octopus.
Channel F Ep. 168: Madea Gear Solid Transcript
Transcribed by E. Powers
merritt: [imitating British accent] ‘Ello, and welcome to Channel F. [laughter]
merritt: I’m merritt. And I’m very upset that my bid for president of Fanbyte’s Great British British Off was rejected this week. If you wanna hear about that, you can go listen to Friends Reunion, a podcast that I intend to fully challenge in the courts and on the streets, because I cannot believe—and I think the fans will agree—that I did not win the Great British British Off. And again, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, go listen to another podcast. It’s fun. It’s like homework. I’m giving you homework for this podcast, uh, which is listening to another one. And welcome to Channel F for real, though. This is the podcast where we take your favorite Fanbyte staff members and force them to answer questions and do challenges of skill and knowledge, because, uh, I wanna, is why. In the immortal words of Jim Carrey’s The Mask: because I wanna. [Danielle laughs] Joining this week, as always, are Steven “The Mask” Strom.
Steven: Hello, merritt! Thank you for having me on your podcast. P A R T WHY? ‘Cause I wanna be on Channel F!
merritt: And ’cause you have to. Well, you don’t have to. You could just not do it, I guess.
Steven: Well, I was gonna do it ’cause it’s you gotta, ’cause I gotta, but I was doing like, I wanna.
Steven: ‘Cause that implies…if I gotta, that just implies I’m here like kind of against my free will.
Steven: Which of course you would never just lock me in a room and tell me to like perform for your amusement.
merritt: [pretending to lie nervously] No, no, no. Of course not.
Steven: [whispering] Help us.
Danielle: Oh, wow.
merritt: Of course not. That would be…um, only a real deviant would do that.
Danielle: Steven, is that SOS that I hear through the wall?
merritt: Also, as always, with us this week.
Danielle: Is that–
merritt: What’s that?
Danielle: I was wondering if Steven was trying to do an SOS through the wall, but never mind. Never mind.
merritt: Oh no, Danielle, don’t you worry, ’cause you’re in here too. [Danielle laughs] It’s Danielle Riendeau and Fanbyte Editor in Chief is here.
merritt: And also, Fūnk-é “The Mask” Joseph.
Fūnk-é: Yep. I’m all green. [laughter]
merritt: Just like the Mask.
Fūnk-é: I’m ready to go.
merritt: Just like the Mask is, he’s green. He’s all…Jim Carrey’s The Mask, he’s all green, and they’re green too. They’re Fūnk-é Joseph. And we’re all just, um, we’re all lean and green, and it’s not easy, but we’re getting through it.
Danielle: I’m green with envy for these masks. I don’t have a mask.
merritt: That’s true. That’s true. I didn’t make you the Mask. And I apologize for that.
Danielle: I’m so sad.
merritt: And um, you know, maybe one day we’ll have a lady Mask.
merritt: But I just don’t think we’re ready yet, as a society, you know?
Danielle: That’s true.
Steven: The lady Ghostbusters movie was sort of the test bed.
merritt: Yeah, it did just put us back about 20 years with that stuff. [Danielle laughs] So look out for The Mask with, uh, whatever quirky, you know, female lead is big in about 10 years.
Fūnk-é: Amy Schumer.
Steven: Well, please no.
Danielle: [less enthusiastic] Yeah.
merritt: I mean…
Fūnk-é: I could see it.
Steven: That’s a bummer. That’s sort of a bummer construction. [Danielle laughs]
merritt: Yeah. Now that we’ve started with just that grim image. [Danielle laughs] With that sort of just specter of fear in our minds. Uh, let’s do…let’s play a game.
Danielle: Oh. [laughter]
Fūnk-é: Okay, Jigsaw. I’m down.
merritt: This is a Rare quiz.
Steven: I don’t know, you quiz us a lot on these.
merritt: Yeah, that’s true.
Danielle: Oh, it’s a quiz about Rare games? I’ll do great.
merritt: Well, we’ll see!
merritt: Because it is.
merritt: It, in fact, is a quiz about Rare games. Uh, I sort of build some of these around the guests sometimes, so.
Danielle: Oh, wow.
merritt: Uh, kind of maybe unfair to our regulars, but I think we’ll have fun. I think we’ll have fun anyway.
Steven: I always have fun on Channel F.
merritt: And this isn’t gonna be just Donkey Kong. It’s not just gonna be Banjo-Kazooie. These are gonna be some deep cuts.
Steven: Jet Force Gemini?
merritt: We’re gonna talk all about Jet Force Gemini.
merritt: And let’s just kick it off. What was the name of the company that Rare’s founders created before Rare?
Danielle: Oh, it’s something…
merritt: Yeah, okay.
Fūnk-é: Regular. [Danielle laughs]
merritt: Regular. Not, um…I’m gonna look that up, and uh, no, it doesn’t seem to be. [incorrect sound] But I get where you’re going for with kind of like a common.
merritt: Like Common, and they started Uncommon, and that didn’t last very long. And then they finally got to Rare.
merritt: That would be cool.
Steven: We’re still waiting on the Epic.
merritt: We’re still waiting on Mythic, Epic, you know.
Steven: Well. You know.
merritt: Well, Epic does exist as a company.
Steven: I think Mythic actually does too. [laughs]
merritt: Mythic does too, so we’re all good.
Steven: I know the answer to this, though. Buzz.
Danielle: Yeah, I do too, but I was gonna give it…
Danielle: Let everybody else do it.
Steven: No. Did you say buzz?
merritt: Well, you don’t have to let anyone do it.
Fūnk-é: It’s a game show.
merritt: Danielle, I did hear you say buzz right after Fūnk-é did. So go ahead.
Danielle: It was Ultimate Play the Game.
merritt: That is correct. [correct noise]
merritt: Yeah. They were like, what’s a good name for our company that makes video games? [laughter] Um, well we could call it Ultimate. Ah, but that could be anything.
merritt: Oh, I know, Ultimate Play the Game.
Danielle: Like, it’s not ultimate jet skiing. It’s Ultimate Play the Game.
merritt: Ultimate Play the Game.
Steven: That’s why Reggie liked them so much. ‘Cause he’s always telling us to [imitating] “Play the game!” [Danielle laughs]
merritt: Reggie was 12 years old, and he was in England, and he was like, “I love these guys and their jet pack and all their fun games, and we’re definitely gonna let them do Donkey Kong when I work at Nintendo.” [Danielle laughs] And they did.
Steven: He knew.
merritt: Yeah. Ultimate Play the Game released one of the most highly regarded ZX Spectrum games.
merritt: Featuring a character who would later appear in Killer Instinct. What was it called?
merritt: And I will say the name of the character in Killer Instinct is the same as the name of this game.
Danielle: Ah, it’s the adventure game.
Fūnk-é: Buzz, the– oh, go ahead.
merritt: That is incorrect. [incorrect noise] That is not a game about the tiger man with a sword. He’s not really a tiger man, but he has tiger powers.
Steven: Does he?
merritt: He has like a tiger uppercut, I think.
Danielle: Or is it jaguar? Is it a jaguar uppercut?
merritt: Oh, maybe.
Steven: No, merritt said ZX Spectrum. The Jaguar was a totally different console.
merritt: Oh boy. [Danielle laughs] Fūnk-é?
Fūnk-é: I’m gonna guess the…I don’t know their name, but the werewolf. The wolf.
merritt: Can you take a guess?
Fūnk-é: Um, Big Teeth.
merritt: Big Teeth. [incorrect noise]
Danielle: Is it Dire Wolf?
merritt: It isn’t.
merritt: The correct answer, I will give Fūnk-é a point for this because it was pretty close.
merritt: The correct answer is Sabre Wulf.
Danielle: Ah, right! Right, right, right.
Steven: Sabre Wulf. You’re close, Danielle.
merritt: Yeah. Danielle, I’ll give both of you a point.
Danielle: Aw, thank you.
merritt: But, yeah, no, Sabre Wulf was a game for the ZX Spectrum, which nobody outside of the UK ever played. [Danielle laughs] I’m not sure if it was ever even actually released in North America. Maybe, but.
Danielle: I mean, it wouldn’t have been Zed-X in North America, so.
merritt: It would’ve been Zee-X, yeah.
Steven: Yeah. Zex. Prequel to Gex.
merritt: And it’s easily, uh, ZX Spectrum games are easily recognizable by their very bright colors. They’re usually a black background and then just like yellows and reds and blues, just like extremely vivid colors.
merritt: And, yeah, Sabre Wulf was one of the most highly regarded games on that console. And then they made a character based on the antagonist Sabrewulf and put him in Killer Instinct.
Steven: Oh, sick.
Danielle: That’s kind of awesome.
merritt: They later made a Gameboy Advance game about Sabrewulf, so.
Steven: Wait, after Killer Instinct?
merritt: Uh, Rare did some weird stuff in the 2000s, as we will see.
Steven: Arguably still doing weird stuff, but making a lot more money now.
Danielle: Oh yeah.
merritt: I mean, they’re just basically doing Sea of Thieves at this point, and you know, god bless ‘em. Also, I just heard that there’s an update for Sea of Thieves that like is one of the few things that might tempt me into trying to play that game again.
merritt: Which is that now you can…you are the captain now.
merritt: You can like own a ship and like name it and decorate it and stuff.
Steven: Yeah, mm-hmm, customizable ships.
merritt: Which sounds cool as hell.
Danielle: It’s just like Captain Phillips. Yeah.
merritt: Yeah. That’s great. I love that. Um, name a Battletoad.
merritt: That is correct. [correct noise] There’s two more.
Steven: Buzz? Can I keep going?
merritt: Danielle or Fūnk-é.
Steven: Oh, okay.
Fūnk-é: Uh, buzz, Johnny. [Steven laughs]
merritt: Johnny would be a great name for Battletoad.
merritt: Especially if he was the only one whose name didn’t follow the naming convention, kind of an Inky, Blinky, Pinky– Pinky?
Danielle: I think Pinky.
merritt: And Clyde.
Steven: Inky, Binky…mm.
Fūnk-é: Wait, Dash? Now you’re making me question it.
merritt: That’s actually quite close to one of them.
merritt: But no. [incorrect noise]
merritt: Wait, Steven, what did you say again?
Steven: I said Rash.
merritt: Okay, yeah, no. So yeah, no. Uh, Danielle?
Danielle: Barf. [laughter]
merritt: Barf! Barf would be…Barf is the forgotten Battletoad. [incorrect noise]
Steven: Well, I mean, they did do that Spaceballs DLC, and they did introduce Barf.
merritt: Oh, yeah.
Steven: So I think that’s probably…
merritt: Barf, yeah.
Steven: That probably counts, yeah.
Fūnk-é: What about Splash? [incorrect noise]
merritt: He’s his own best friend.
Steven: Can I continue to…
merritt: Yeah, Steven, just give me the other ones.
Steven: Uh, Zitz.
merritt: Correct. [correct noise]
Steven: And is the other one…God, what is– I always forget the other one. Is it Pimple?
merritt: That is correct. [correct noise]
merritt: Pimple, Rash, and Zitz. Disgustingly named Ninja Turtle knockoffs.
merritt: Yeah, the Battletoads were definitely just created to capitalize on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles craze, or if you’re British, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles craze.
Danielle: Oh, wow.
Steven: Oh, I thought they were cashing in on Biker Mice from Mars.
Danielle: Right, right.
merritt: Well, that in some way was, uh, you know, a cash in too.
merritt: Sort of anthropomorphic animals kind of, uh, was just a huge thing in the late 80s.
Steven: Oh, you mean like the C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa.
merritt: Like the C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa.
merritt: Of course, I do mean that.
Danielle: And the Mummies Alive! Yeah.
merritt: I’m not sure why they were hero turtles in the UK. I know in some other places it had to do with ninja being, um, not favorable.
merritt: Oh, I think it was just a generic violence thing.
Steven: Ninjas kill and have murderous weapons, so you couldn’t say it.
merritt: Right, yeah. They have to be heroes, not ninjas.
Steven: Makes sense.
merritt: They also edited out a scene of, uh…you weren’t allowed to have nunchucks in children’s television.
Fūnk-é: Right! Yeah.
merritt: And so they edited out a scene in the second movie where Michaelangelo uses sausages as nunchucks.
merritt: They had to cut that down.
Steven: You can’t even imply the existence of nunchucks.
merritt: No. No, no, no, no, no.
Steven: Wait, what did…did Final Fantasy VIII just never come out in Britain?
merritt: Oh, ‘cause that’s what Zell uses or something?
Steven: No, Selphie, I think is her name?
merritt: Oh. Zell just punches guys, right?
Steven: Yeah, Zell’s punching, Quistis uses a whip. Rinoa can shoot her dog off of her wrist launcher?
merritt: Yeah, you know.
Steven: This is all true.
merritt: You know when you shoot your dog. You know when you shoot— when your dog is in your wrist launcher like in Monster Hunter.
merritt: And your dog just gets in your little rock cannon arm sling and shoots out and eats the monster?
Steven: Mm-hmm. That’s what happens.
Fūnk-é: All the time.
Steven: Well, that’s under embargo, merritt. We can’t actually describe it.
Danielle: Oh, right, right, right.
merritt: Oh, that’s true, yeah.
Danielle: Yeah, we’ll have to cut that.
merritt: That is in Sunbreak. That’s upcoming.
merritt: That you put the Palico. Man, why can’t you put the Palico in the launcher and shoot the Palico at the monster and then the monster jumps all over— or the Palico jumps all over the monster and starts like clawing it and stuff. That would be so cool.
Steven: So, I don’t know if this is—
merritt: ‘Cause it would encourage kids to shoot their cats, is the answer.
Steven: Oh yeah. Maybe that’s it.
Steven: I’m almost certain that does literally exist in previous Monster Hunter games where the cat, the Palicoes would have a little launcher that they climb into and like shoot themselves out of it like a cannon onto monsters. I’m almost certain that’s a real thing from like Monster Hunter 4.
Fūnk-é: Are they fighters?
Steven: Palicoes? Yeah.
merritt: Yeah, yeah, yeah. They fight.
Fūnk-é: I thought they were just like friendly and like helped you out when you…
merritt: I mean, sometimes they heal you. Sometimes they have little swords and stuff.
merritt: Sometimes they have little cannons or catapults—
Fūnk-é: Oh, wow.
merritt: That look like baby carriages for some reason. [laughter]
Steven: There’s different classes, yeah. There’s like fighter types, bomber types, gathering types, healing types, trapper types. Usually.
merritt: The six genders.
Steven: Right. You’ll hear all about this when merritt does a Monster Hunter-themed trivia episode for me in the future.
merritt: Oh, God. Yeah, no, I mean, I will.
Danielle: Oh, wow.
merritt: You know what, when Sunbreak comes out, we’ll do it.
Steven: I’ll have to brush up.
merritt: We’ll do it. Ex Rare employees have gone on to form multiple other studios. What are their names? Not of the designers.
Steven: The studios?
merritt: The studios, yeah.
Danielle: All of the studios?
merritt: Uh, I have two in mind. There probably are more, but I have two of the bigger ones in mind.
Fūnk-é: Kaizen— buzz.
merritt: Uh huh?
Fūnk-é: Kaizen Game Works?
merritt: Was that Rare?
Fūnk-é: I don’t know. [laughter]
merritt: Okay. I thought that. I was like, oh, were they Rare? Uh, I don’t think that…I don’t think they were ex Rare employees. [incorrect noise]
Fūnk-é: I know they were British ex industry people, so that’s why I guessed Rare.
Danielle: I have a buzz, whenever…
Danielle: I have a– oh.
Steven: Oh, sorry. Go ahead, Danielle.
merritt: Playtonic is one of the answers, yes. [correct noise] Best known for, uh, creating a game that is not Banjo-Kazooie but is very similar.
merritt: And the substantially better follow up to that game. Yooka-Laylee.
Danielle: Which I still need to play, genuinely. I need to play the second one.
merritt: The Yooka-Laylee side scroller. I think you would like it, because you’re all about Donkey Kong platformers.
merritt: It’s just one of those, basically. It’s much, much better than the first one.
Danielle: Yeah, I’m glad.
Steven: It has a really cool concept too.
Steven: Where it’s like, you can…it’s like Breath of the Wild where you can go to the final level immediately. It’s just like…
merritt: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just…
Steven: Extremely hard.
merritt: Right, yeah.
merritt: You have to gather health for like power ups and stuff to make it easier and do it.
merritt: Does anyone know what the other one is?
Steven: No, that was my…that was going to be my answer, was Playtonic.
Fūnk-é: I don’t know.
merritt: Free Radical Design.
Danielle: I was gonna say the TimeSplitters people, but I forgot their name. [laughs] So, yeah.
merritt: Free Radical Design, who made TimeSplitters. And, um…do they still exist?
Danielle: Do they?
Steven: Free Radical? I think they’re owned by…if I had to guess, I think they’re owned by Deep Silver. I bet they exist, and I bet they’re owned by Deep Silver.
merritt: You are one hundred percent right. [correct noise]
Danielle: Oh my God!
merritt: Deep Silver, uh…now, do you know who Deep Silver is owned by?
Steven: Are they in embrace? Have they been embraced?
merritt: They are not one of the kindred. No, they haven’t been embraced. [laughter] No, they’re a division of Koch [pronounced: cock] Media. Koch media.
Steven: Oh, that’s right.
merritt: Cock media.
merritt: Cock media is when, um…
Fūnk-é: [laughs] What?
merritt: Robert Yang, uh, forms his own video game studio.
Steven: Sign me the fuck up.
Danielle: Delightful. Truly.
merritt: Yeah, no, Free Radical is still kicking. Well, they closed down in 2014, but now they reopened in 2021.
merritt: And they’re making a new TimeSplitters.
Danielle: Fuck yes. Fantastic.
Steven: TimeSplitters 5? 6? Did we get to…
Steven: Right, ‘cause there was Future Perfect, right?
merritt: Oh, so that would be…
Steven: Or was that 3?
merritt: Uh, that was 3.
merritt: Yeah, so.
Steven: TimeSplitters 4, then.
merritt: Uh, 4 then, yeah, I guess. I love TimeSplitters 2 so much.
Danielle: Me too.
merritt: Fūnk-é, did you ever play that game?
Fūnk-é: I have never played it. I think, um, I saw John stream it. No, that was Blinx the time cat. [laughter]
Steven: Very similar games!
merritt: I mean, you know what? Same era.
Fūnk-é: They have time…
Danielle: You know? Yeah.
Fūnk-é: In the name, so. Same thing.
merritt: Oh, wait, sorry, nope. Boop ba boop ba boop ba beep beep beep.
Danielle: Uh oh.
merritt: Uh, this just in. Embracer Group did get it up in that…did get silly with it.
merritt: And they are…I think Embracer Group is involved somehow, because they announced that Free Radical was coming back. So.
Steven: We need…Jordan, you can always just edit this in. I know you love it when we just make like requests for you to like create unique sound samples and stuff, but we should really have like a [deep voice] “You have been embraced,” type stinger. [laughter] For any time we talk about somebody who has been embraced.
merritt: Yeah. Fūnk-é, do you like old shooters?
Fūnk-é: Yes, I do. Is this one of the games that like they would have at like movie theater arcades and stuff?
merritt: No, no, no, no. This is like a GameCube, Xbox, PS2 era game.
Fūnk-é: Ooh. I’m listening.
Danielle: It’s like 2002.
merritt: So I only ever played TimeSplitters 2. There was TimeSplitters and then Future Perfect. And then also I guess Free Radical did Second Sight, which is very funny.
Steven: Oh, really?
merritt: And Haze, which is…
Steven: Wait, they did Haze?
merritt: They also did Haze. And then when they were Crytek UK, they did Warface. So.
Fūnk-é: The protagonist looks like Riddick.
merritt: Of TimeSplitters 2?
Fūnk-é: Of TimeSplitters, yeah.
Steven: Little bit, yeah. He’s in multiple TimeSplitters.
merritt: So, TimeSplitters 2 is like basically, like a lot of the people who worked on GoldenEye and Perfect Dark were like, ah, we’re just gonna do our own thing now. And they were like, oh, we just wanna make every setting, so we’re just gonna have a time travel thing where you can just go through like all these different eras. And so like the first level of the game is just the dam from GoldenEye.
merritt: Like it’s the first level of GoldenEye. But then you get like into it and there’s aliens, and then you go to like a Chicago mobster time.
merritt: And then you go to, uh, like a 50s sci-fi world. Then you go to the wild west.
Danielle: There’s an ice world too. Yeah.
merritt: And the multiplayer was extremely good.
Fūnk-é: Ooh. So there isn’t like moment to moment reverse time travel, like Tracer?
merritt: No, it’s just like different settings.
Fūnk-é: Gotcha, gotcha.
merritt: And the time travel is just like a set dressing, but…
Steven: And then they went on to make the award winning Haze, to which Jonathan Davis of the nu metal band Korn says, “Gaming for me is a religion, and Haze is the shit.”
Danielle: Ah. [Merritt laughs]
Steven: “I had to come up with a track that can hit that kind of rush I get from the game, and I think we really rocked it.”
Danielle: Ah, all time quote.
Steven: ‘Cause they did a song called Haze for the video game Haze.
Danielle: All time.
merritt: Wait, which band again?
Steven: K-O-R-N, Korn.
merritt: Wait. Is that– oh, no, it’s Slipknot who’s in that other game right now, right?
Steven: Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. Korn are, uh, best known as the freaks on that leash.
merritt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fūnk-é: Do you have a vocal sample of this?
Danielle: All day they dream about sex.
Steven: Oh, you mean like a [imitates music] Those guys.
merritt: No, Jordan, Slipknot isn’t in Fortnite. Slipknot is in, um, whatever that MOBA game is that gods–
Steven: Also, so, you could literally play as Slipknot from Slipknot and Korra from like The Legend of Korra. Those are…
merritt: I’m like 70% sure that the Ninja Turtles were in it at some point too.
Steven: Probably, yeah.
Fūnk-é: Also the doge meme is in there, so. Throwback.
merritt: Didn’t that game start off as like, oh, mythical gods are fighting each other.
merritt: And then they’re just like, what if Slipknot was there too?
Steven: Yeah, mythical gods.
merritt: I think they could hold their own against Osiris and Athena.
Danielle: And, uh, Sabrewulf.
Steven: Joey Jordison. He’s passed away. Joey Jordison’s no longer with us, but I’m trying to remember the other members. When are they gonna get Stone Sour in SMITE, is what I’m asking.
merritt: That’s a great question. That’s a great question. [Danielle laughs] Speaking of throwback shooters, all of the weapons in GoldenEye 007 had their names changed from their real life counterparts, and one weapon was changed twice. First, it was changed to Spyder, which was rejected because it was the name of a paintball gun brand. Then, it was changed to a name referencing a Nintendo of America employee.
merritt: Name the gun or the man.
Danielle: Buzz? That would be the Klobb and Ken Lobb from the Nintendo Treehouse.
merritt: That is correct.
merritt: That is correct. The gun was originally the Skorpion.
merritt: And the designers were like, “Oh, we can just use anything in James Bond. Okay, so we’ll just have all these guns.” And then it’s like, you can’t, oh God, you can’t use the real names of these things. And they’re like, “Oh, okay, fine. We’ll call this the Spyder then.” And then like two weeks before release, they found out that that was the name of a paintball gun, and they’re like, aw. The lawyers were like, “You can’t do this, definitely.” [Danielle laughs] And so some early manuals still call the Klobb the Spyder.
Steven: Danielle, how did you pull that one out?
Danielle: Oh, I played so much GoldenEye. Oh my God, so much GoldenEye. I think I had like a guide that said, [funny voice] “Oh, did you know this is named after Ken Lobb in the Treehouse?” And there was like a picture of him with like a very 80s haircut, even though this is the late 90s.
Danielle: So it was burned into my brain. This is what’s there instead of, you know, important things.
merritt: Oh, you mean important things like you know how to be a paramedic or how to run a website? Like, things you definitely have?
Danielle: I guess. [laughter]
Steven: How do you do all those things?
merritt: I called you out on the fact that you know stuff!
Danielle: I guess you did! [laughs] I guess you did. I guess you did.
merritt: Well, so there is also some speculation that they named it after Ken Lobb, because you’d think like, oh, what a cool honor to have a weapon in a game named after you.
Danielle: It’s a terrible gun.
merritt: It’s the worst gun in the game.
Danielle: It’s awful! [laughs]
merritt: It’s dogshit. It can’t hit anything.
Steven: Oh my god.
merritt: It’s incredibly weak.
Danielle: It’s so bad.
merritt: It’s just like completely atrocious. So there is speculation that that one was named after– that they named it after him as sort of a, uh, maybe less than flattering kind of reference.
merritt: But I don’t think we know for sure.
Danielle: Just didn’t like Ken. Maybe that’s why the bad fucking picture came. I don’t know.
Danielle: You know, listen, this is deep lore, I guess.
Danielle: But I remember it being a very unflattering picture, so. [Merritt laughs]
Steven: Yeah, they snapped a PIP Polaroid of him coming out of a bathroom, like not zipped up all the way. [laughter] It’s like, we can use this one, right?
merritt: His hand is up in front of his face. Yeah.
Fūnk-é: Got germs all over the place.
merritt: God. So, uh, let’s take a break from this Rare quiz for a second, and let’s talk about…let’s take a trip to the movies.
Steven: Peter Molyneux’s The Movies. Got it. Here’s some trivia I can answer.
merritt: [laughs] So, you know, video game movies are kind of having a minor renaissance right now, uh, whether they’re good or not. You know, everyone hopes they’re gonna make a lot of money. We’ve got the Mario movie, sadly starring Crisp Rat. [Danielle laughs]
Steven: Well, they are actually going to include him in the GoldenEye remake. There’s a reference to Chris Pratt in the Mario movie. They’ve got a new gun called the Crap. [Danielle laughs]
merritt: That’s great.
Steven: And that’s kind of like just a fun little nod to him and his connection to the Nintendo brand.
merritt: We got him, folks. [laughter] But as you may or may not know, a Metal Gear Solid movie has been announced, and that one is, I believe, starring Oscar Isaac, and I think that is pretty much all we know about it. And I think it’s being directed by the guy who did Godzilla vs. Kong. But what I thought we could do is think about who we might like to see in each of the roles in, I’m going to say, Metal Gear Solid 1, just because let’s not get silly. Uh, you know, there’s a lot of characters in this franchise, but. Also, the summary of Metal Gear Solid on, I think, IMDB or something, I was reading it the other day, and it was like, “Terrorists steal an advanced tank, and a man has to go get it back.” [laughter] Which is…
Steven: Well, yeah.
merritt: I mean, kind of. Um, I guess that’s sort of what it’s about, but um…
Steven: Man who drinks blood is not called Vamp because he’s a vampire.
merritt: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Steven: But, in fact, because he’s bisexual.
merritt: Good God.
merritt: So, Vamp will not be in this picture, because it is based on the first game, but, um, you know, they wanna put Oscar Isaac as a Snake, and that’s maybe fine.
merritt: But let’s go through and think about who we might wanna see in each of those roles. So this is stunt casting Metal Gear Solid.
merritt: So let’s start off with Solid Snake. Who do y’all think– ‘cause Fūnk-é, I know you just played Metal Gear Solid last year, I believe.
merritt: So it’s maybe a little fresher in your mind than it is in everyone else’s. But everyone knows Solid Snake. In this game, he’s clean shaven. He’s, uh, fairly young, which is why I think Oscar Isaac is maybe a bit of an odd choice for him here. I could see him in maybe 2 or 3 , but– well, not 3, ’cause he’s even younger. [Danielle laughs] Different guy, also.
Fūnk-é: Yep! [laughs]
Steven: A couple of ‘em.
merritt: Fuck this fucking series. Kojima-san, I did not mean that. I apologize. [laughter]
Steven: Come on Channel F, please!
merritt: Kojima-san, please.
Fūnk-é: That would be a vibe!
merritt: Please come on Channel F.
Fūnk-é: Yeah, I think, I mean, we can pick whoever, but if this…I don’t know. I feel like it would be Timothee.
merritt: No, no, no. This isn’t who you think is going to be. This is who, in your wildest dreams.
Fūnk-é: Oh, wildest dreams.
Danielle: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
merritt: You think Timmy?
Fūnk-é: Not in my wildest dreams. I think if it wasn’t Oscar, Timmy.
merritt: But you think that’s who it would be.
merritt: They’d get Timmy Chalamet as Solid Snake?
Fūnk-é: Too easy. [Danielle laughs] He’d be like, “Whoa, what am I doing here? In this base?”
Danielle: Timmy? [laughter]
Fūnk-é: Yeah, I think that they’d just–
Steven: “Shadow Moses? Wild.” [laughter]
Fūnk-é: But in my wildest dreams…hmm. I’m still thinking.
Steven: Do they have to be people who are alive?
merritt: I mean, it would help for casting, but… [laughter]
Danielle: It would help.
Danielle: It would help.
merritt: I mean, if you wanna get some movie magic up in here.
Steven: Weekend at Bernie’s it or something.
merritt: I mean, yeah. Like, who…why, do you know someone who’s dead who would make a good Solid Snake?
Steven: No, I was trying to play for time. [laughter]
Steven: Because I didn’t have a good one.
merritt: Desperately trying to think of actors.
Steven: Well, I–
Danielle: I have a proposal.
merritt: Yeah, Danielle.
Danielle: I have a proposal. Do you know what? There’s nothing she can’t do. And Cate Blanchett would be the best Solid Snake that I can think of right here in this moment today.
merritt: Kind of in a sort of a I’m Not There mode.
Danielle: Exactly. She’s not there, according to the people who think she’s just a cardboard box. It’s correct. This is how it works.
merritt: Wow. Now, that would be a powerful move.
merritt: And just never address it.
merritt: Just like not address the fact that Cate Blanchett is Solid Snake. I don’t hate it.
Danielle: I would watch that movie. No joke.
merritt: I mean, yeah. No, of course. Of course you would. We all would. People would be so mad, but then I think people would also just be like, yeah.
Fūnk-é: I have one now.
merritt: Yeah, Fūnk-é.
Fūnk-é: Rowan Atkinson. [Danielle laughs]
merritt: Now, can you explain your reasoning at all? Or is that just sort of a…
Fūnk-é: I think it would be fun to see him, a little silly Snake.
merritt: A little silly Solid Snake.
Fūnk-é: We’ve seen Solid Snake. We’ve seen Metal Snake.
merritt: Yeah, like a silly Snake up in here.
Danielle: A silly Bean Snake. Yeah.
merritt: I think he could be old Snake.
merritt: If we get up to 4 and he’s still alive.
Steven: Ah, I think you need to get–
Fūnk-é: Well, I mean, they could do the de-aging technology they do.
merritt: Oh, so that’s fun. Cast an actor who’s not known for dramatic roles and then also spend a lot of money on de-aging him. [laughter] That would be very funny. That would be an extremely Hideo Kojima thing to do.
Fūnk-é: They need to get him directing movies, straight up.
Steven: He’s been saying this for years. [laughs]
Danielle: He doesn’t disagree.
merritt: All right. Let’s move onto one that I think might be a little bit easier.
merritt: How about Revolver Ocelot? [Danielle laughs] Long hair, spins a gun around, tortures people. You know his deal. Now, Jordan is saying Jared Leto. [laughter]
Danielle: Oh God. Only if he has a “Damaged” tattoo in it. Like, only with the “Damaged” tattoo.
merritt: You know what? I mean, I think he could maybe do it. I would maybe…hmm. I mean, Sam Elliott is like the obvious, like too obvious. [Danielle laughs]
Steven: [sighs] Yeah. Sam Elliott’s not twinky enough. Like, that’s the thing about Revolver Ocelot.
merritt: Well, this is MGS1 though.
Fūnk-é: Is he twinky in 1?
Steven: But he’s like an– no, ’cause he’s like a twink under the beard, you know?
Steven: Like, he takes off his shirt in Metal Gear Solid 4, and he’s just like, he’s covering it up. But he is…you can take the man out of the twink, but you can’t take the twink out of the man.
Danielle: Twink under the beard.
merritt: [laughs] He is an old man. Like, he has a gray mustache. He’s balding.
Steven: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
merritt: Sort of the famous qualities that we associate with that kind of guy. Well, any other ideas besides Jared Leto?
Fūnk-é: Oh, this is hard.
Danielle: I have someone who could do it, but he’s so much better for another famous role in that game that I wanna save it for that.
Steven: I think Bradley Cooper would actually be probably pretty good. [Danielle laughs] Like, he’s not quite old enough, but also we need at least a little bit of a run up because we’re gonna get to Metal Gear Solid 4 eventually, and that’s still like, you know, 20, 30 years after Metal Gear Solid 1.
Steven: So it’s like, Revolver Ocelot’s older, he’s got gray hair and stuff like that, but he’s, you know, fairly…he’s young enough that he can make it to a fist fight with Solid Snake on top of Arsenal Gear at the end of that game.
Fūnk-é: That’s good. That’s good. I think we–
Steven: Wherever they fight.
Fūnk-é: We need someone balding, and we also need a star factor.
Fūnk-é: So he’s only acted a few times, but I’m gonna have to go with LeBron James for this one. [laughter] Also, going back on Solid Snake, I think Jeremy Strong would actually eat that roll up.
merritt: Jeremy Strong as Solid Snake?
Fūnk-é: As Solid Snake. That would be fun.
Steven: Can I change my answer?
merritt: Uh huh.
Steven: Viggo Mortenson.
merritt: Oh, that’s good, actually.
merritt: That’s actually really good.
Danielle: It really is.
merritt: Viggo Mortenson. Yeah. As Ocelot.
Steven: As Ocelot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
merritt: Oh, yeah, no, he…yeah, I’m getting like a balding graying Aragorn sort of vibe. [Danielle laughs]
Steven: Mm-hmm. With a gun.
merritt: With a gun.
Steven: Aragorn’s fucking had it.
Fūnk-é: With a gun! He snapped.
merritt: Yeah. [laughs]
Danielle: I love this.
merritt: Did you know that Viggo Mortenson turned down the role of Wolverine?
merritt: In an alternate universe, Viggo Mortenson was Wolverine.
Fūnk-é: He said, “No, it’s too sharp.” [Danielle laughs]
merritt: Well, his son didn’t like the script.
merritt: And he was like, “Mm, my son doesn’t like it, so.”
Steven: Well, that first movie script is not great, honestly.
merritt: It’s not great. But then, just imagine a universe where Hugh Jackman wasn’t Wolverine.
Steven: Right. ‘Cause like–
Fūnk-é: Doesn’t make sense.
Steven: That was like Hugh Jackman’s like big break, like especially break out into like action.
merritt: It was his first huge actin’ role.
Steven: Hugh Jactin’. [Danielle laughs, Fūnk-é sighs]
merritt: Hugh Jackman’s huge actin’. All right. Well, how about, Otacon? Kind of a nerdy. We’re looking for kind of like a nerdy guy who pisses his pants and talks about anime.
Steven: Okay. Now, Jordan in the chat says, “That’s Tom Holland.” [laughter]
merritt: Aah. Ah!
Fūnk-é: If this was 10 years ago, it would be, uh, Michael Cera and…who’s the Michael Cera lookalike guy?
Steven: Oh, who’s the nerdy white guy who’s inexplicably popular in Hollywood movies?
Fūnk-é: Um, Jesse? His name’s Jesse, right?
merritt: Oh. Yeah, Jesse Eisenberg?
Fūnk-é: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him.
Fūnk-é: Either one of those would be it. But we’re in the future now.
merritt: I think Jesse could still do it.
Steven: I think he could still do it. But here’s the thing about like both him and Tom Holland, is they have like the look of a character actor who’d play those kinds of people back in the day. But now if you’re like a big enough name, you just don’t take those roles. Nobody…
merritt: That’s true. No one wants to piss their pants.
Steven: Right. Nobody wants to be the funny side guy. Everybody has to be like the, “No, I’m the hero.”
merritt: Right, yeah.
Steven: Tom Holland would never.
merritt: No, Tom Holland can’t.
Fūnk-é: That’s true. He doesn’t even wanna act anymore. He wants to be a landlord. That’s his new thing.
Danielle: Oh no.
Steven: Yeah, he did that ad with Hannibal Burris for Final Fantasy XIV.
merritt: Oh my God.
Danielle: Oh no.
Steven: And on the set, they were like, “You know, Hannibal’s got some really good ideas about real estate.” [laughter]
Danielle: Oh no!
merritt: Oh my God. Any other Otacon suggestions?
Steven: Oh, I know who.
Steven: Daniel Radcliffe. [Danielle laughs]
Fūnk-é: That would be really funny.
merritt: Yeah, you know what? You know what?
Fūnk-é: That would be really, really funny.
Steven: He would do it.
merritt: I think he could do it, and I think he would do it too.
Steven: Oh, he would do it.
merritt: I think he’s fucking game.
Steven: He would fucking put his whole ass into it.
merritt: I think he’s game to piss his pants on screen.
Danielle: He was in that farting corpse movie.
Danielle: That the Daniels before Everything Everywhere.
merritt: He was in the farting corpse movie–
Danielle: Wasn’t he the farting corpse?
merritt: –as the farting corpse! So, I mean, in many ways, this pissing your pants is like less bad than that.
Danielle: It’s eh.
Danielle: He would do this in his sleep.
Steven: He would absolutely also like go up there and like talk about his Japanese animes and stuff, you know?
merritt: Oh, 100% he would. All right, how about Sigint?
Fūnk-é: Who is this again?
Danielle: I need to see a picture.
merritt: Sigint is also named or known as Donald Anderson, who is actually dead during the events of Metal Gear Solid. But there’s a really weird thing where Decoy Octopus is impersonating him somehow.
Danielle: Oh, wow.
merritt: Despite the fact that Decoy Octopus is a white man.
Danielle: Oh boy.
Fūnk-é: Uh oh.
Danielle: Oh boy.
Steven: Fūnk-é, you would know Sigint as DARPA Chief.
merritt: He’s the DARPA Chief.
Fūnk-é: Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Danielle: I see some pictures here.
Steven: He shows up in other, in the prequel eventually?
Fūnk-é: Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers. Doesn’t he die in a cell or something? Or is that someone else?
merritt: Oh yeah, no, he is…
Danielle: Oh, the heart attack guy.
merritt: He’s like dead in MGS1, I’m pretty sure.
Steven: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
merritt: Yeah, no, Revolver killed him.
merritt: And then, Decoy Octopus is like, “I’m going to become this guy somehow and not think too much about the implications of that.”
Steven: Do we know that Decoy– isn’t there a thing where like Decoy, nobody knows what Decoy Octopus actually looks like?
Steven: I thought that was a thing.
merritt: Yeah, that might be a thing. I don’t know. Um, I’m just sort of going by…I think he’s actually Mexican? I’m not sure. But anyway, forget all that stuff. Who is Donald Anderson? Who is Sigint? Who is the DARPA Chief?
Danielle: Okay. I’ve got one. I’ve got one.
Danielle: Alfred Molina.
Danielle: Because, because, we’ve got Doc Ock.
merritt: Okay, so…
Danielle: We’ve got whatever the fuck fake octopus that you were just talking about.
merritt: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Danielle: We’ve got a connection.
merritt: I like your thought process.
Fūnk-é: There’s one issue. There’s a kind of chief issue. [laughs]
merritt: I do wanna say that he might not be willing to do blackface.
Danielle: Oh no! Never mind!
Fūnk-é: We’d need someone who’s willing.
merritt: We would have to check with Mr. Molina, if he– I don’t think he would do that.
Danielle: Did not realize this was a Black gentleman! Sorry! Sorry.
merritt: No, sorry, yeah. That’s what I was trying to get at.
Danielle: That’s my fault. Sorry.
Fūnk-é: I have a perfect person.
merritt: Sigint, yeah, he is a Black man who Decoy Octopus, uh, later somehow impersonates, possibly by injecting himself with blood. That isn’t how blood works. He has, I don’t know, Mission Impossible face mask technology, I guess? [laughs]
Danielle: Okay. Gotcha, gotcha.
Steven: Nanomachines, merritt. You can just say it.
merritt: [imitating Solid Snake] Nanomachines.
Fūnk-é: Yep, the nanomachines. I think Mark Wahlberg would eat this role up. [laughter] And he would be excited for it. He would be so down.
merritt: Mark Wahlberg undergoes experimental surgery to play minor role.
Steven: He’s gonna do the Robert Downing Jr. He’s gonna Tropic Thunder it!
Fūnk-é: He would.
merritt: It’s his ultimate role.
Steven: I think I have an actual answer for this.
merritt: All right.
Steven: Dennis Rodman. [Danielle gasps]
Danielle: Dennis Rodman.
Steven: I think Dennis Rodman would be down, and I think they would expand the Decoy Octopus role, is the thing.
merritt: Interesting, interesting.
Steven: I think they would have more actual Decoy Octopus stuff, ’cause Decoy Octopus like, we basically never see Decoy Octopus as Decoy Octopus in that movie.
merritt: That’s true.
Steven: But I don’t think they…I don’t think they would like pull that reveal so like straight the way that they do in Metal Gear Solid 1. I think the movie would make a bigger deal out of it.
merritt: Mm, mm.
Steven: He would have like a more expanded thing.
Danielle: Dennis Rodman, also famously so hot. Just so hot, just real hot.
Fūnk-é: And can change his appearance a lot.
merritt: That’s true.
Steven: Yeah, that’s what– yeah.
merritt: He is a chameleon, yeah.
Steven: That’s what I’m saying, yeah.
merritt: Although he might need to take some time off from hanging out with, uh…
Steven: North Korea, right?
merritt: With Kim Jong-un, yeah. [laughs]
Fūnk-é: He’s doing what?
merritt: Yeah, that was his whole thing.
Steven: This was a while ago.
merritt: I mean, yeah. I don’t know if he has recently, but, uh, he is like the unofficial U.S. ambassador to North Korea. [laughs]
Steven: He was like, I’m gonna be the one to make peace between the U.S. and North Korea.
merritt: Kim Jong-un just like loves him. It’s very funny, but, um…
Steven: Jordo has other good choices in the chat, I feel like.
merritt: Jordan suggests Lance Reddick.
merritt: He’d eat the whole set during the heart attack scene.
Steven: Yeah. He would.
merritt: I could see that.
Steven: He would also be great over a Codec in Metal Gear Solid 3.
Fūnk-é: Oh, that voice.
merritt: Mm. Uh, there has been speculation that Dennis Rodman might be working for the CIA. [laughter] But the CIA has neither confirmed nor denied the speculation.
Fūnk-é: He’s the real life Decoy Octopus!
merritt: He actually is. He actually is. Dennis Rodman– wait. He actually just is a real life Hideo Kojima character.
Fūnk-é: I love how you said that like you were being fed that information. [laughter]
Danielle: Oh, Rodman.
merritt: All right. How about Meryl? Do you think that love can bloom, even on a battlefield? Who do you imagine saying that famous phrase?
Danielle: Oh! Oh, oh. Jess Bush, who is Nurse Chapel in the new Star Trek.
merritt: Oh, okay.
Danielle: She would crush that role.
Danielle: She really would.
merritt: Yeah, Jess Bush would be great. Maybe…I could see like a…yeah, no, Jess Bush or like, um, what’s her name from How I Met Your Mother. Uh, Cobie Smulders.
Steven: Oh, Maria Hill.
Danielle: Oh, yeah.
merritt: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cobie Smulders, maybe.
Steven: I have not seen this character you were talking about, Danielle, until just now, but I just googled Jess Bush, and yeah, this is a…
Danielle: Like, legit.
merritt: All right, Jess Bush.
Steven: She has the look.
Steven: Like, she looks like a Meryl, if you dye her hair red.
Fūnk-é: Let’s go for it.
merritt: All right, just a few more. How about Roy Campbell? He’s the, uh…
Fūnk-é: Roy Campbell.
Danielle: I gotta look this up. I gotta look.
merritt: He’s your, uh, he’s the commanding officer guy. He’s like, “Snake. I’m a robot.”
Steven: Um, you ever seen Ben 10?
Steven: He’s the voice of– he’s Grandpa from Ben 10.
Fūnk-é: Oh my gosh!
merritt: [imitating Snake] “Colonel. Colonel. Ugh.”
Danielle: Wait. Okay. Can I ask something here?
Danielle: I’m on the metalgear.fandom.com page, which is the first thing that came up for Roy Campbell.
merritt: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Danielle: And it says born 1936 to 1945.
merritt: Yeah, no one knows. I mean, no, it was just a very long…
Fūnk-é: It’s a long few years.
merritt: It was…yeah.
Steven: It was a long pregnancy.
Danielle: That’s a long time for we’re just not sure.
Danielle: That’s nine-ass years!
Steven: There was a war going on. Records got messed up, you know?
merritt: Jordan says Dan Aykroyd. I don’t…if you asked me to tell you what Dan Aykroyd looked like in the current year…let me see.
Fūnk-é: There’s so many old dudes in Hollywood.
merritt: There’s a lot of old white guys. We could get one of them.
Danielle: Yeah. Yeah.
Fūnk-é: I think they could do a thing where they swap him out each scene.
merritt: Mm, ah. [Danielle laughs]
Fūnk-é: Like swap out the actor, get a kind of like…
Fūnk-é: We get Pacino in there. We get…who’s another one?
Steven: [imitating] Snake! Hooah! [laughter]
Fūnk-é: Snake! We get a Sean Penn.
Danielle: Ah, that’s really good.
merritt: [imitating Snake] Mm, uh, Colonel, I’m trying to sneak around, but my…my ass keeps–
Fūnk-é: [imitating] Snake, you’ve got a great ass!
Steven: [imitating] You’ve got a huge ass! [laughter]
merritt: Ah, Heat. Go watch Heat. Hey, that’s my recommendation. Just go watch Heat. You’ll love it. It’s a great movie.
Danielle: Great film.
merritt: Mei Ling. Mei Ling.
Fūnk-é: This is the like save person?
merritt: Yes. Snake talks to her through the Codec, Chinese American data analyst.
Fūnk-é: Awkwafina. Now, would she be doing the blaccent or no?
Steven: The what? [laughter]
Fūnk-é: The blaccent.
Steven: This goes beyond my knowledge of Awkwafina. I’m sorry.
Fūnk-é: Oh, really?
Fūnk-é: Oh my gosh. Well, she just talks a certain way sometimes and then doesn’t other times.
Danielle: Ah, I see.
Steven: I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Awkwafina in anything outside of Shang-Chi.
Fūnk-é: Yeah, I mean, she’s good in that one. I actually liked her. So I think if she was acting like that, yeah. Great role.
merritt: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Fūnk-é: I’m down, give another chance to Awkwafina.
merritt: Just yeah, she needs a second chance. [laughter]
Danielle: She deserves a chance.
Fūnk-é: Kelly Marie Tran, maybe?
Steven: Oh, Chloe Bennett from Agents of Shield says Jordo. That’s not a bad option. Quake from the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
merritt: Hmm. Yeah, no, I can see that.
merritt: For sure, for sure.
Steven: Who’s, on Agents of Shield, the daughter of…
merritt: We just keep coming back to Agents of Shield.
Steven: It’s all, yeah, everything comes back to Agents of Shield, merritt. That’s the thing.
merritt: Yep. That’s the nexus of the universe.
Steven: The daughter of Kyle MacLachlan on that show.
merritt: Oh my God. Do you know what Kyle MacLachlan’s middle name is?
merritt: That would be very good, but no, it’s Merritt.
merritt: Yeah. Uh, Psycho Mantis.
merritt: Now, this is a Jared Leto role.
Danielle: Okay, this is the one…
Steven: Oh no.
Fūnk-é: It would. It would be, but we can’t. It’s too easy.
merritt: Danielle, this is the man who says–
Danielle: I have one.
merritt: [imitating] “Super Mario Sunshine,” when he reads your memory card.
Danielle: Right. So this is the one I had someone for.
Danielle: And I’m very confident, very confident in Eddie Redmayne here. Very, very confident.
merritt: Ooh, okay.
Danielle: He could chew the scenery like he does in Jupiter Ascending, a great film.
merritt: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Danielle: And he would rock the shit out of this role.
merritt: That’s good. That’s good. I like that.
Danielle: I’m real happy with it. I’m happy with it.
Fūnk-é: I have not seen this person’s work before.
merritt: I would also put forward a vote for Tom Holland, just because Psycho Mantis has a mask on his face, and that seems to be a thing that Tom Holland– uh, not Tom Holland, Tom Hardy.
Steven: Oh! Okay. I was like, wait, what? [laughs]
merritt: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Well maybe, you know, he could be young.
Fūnk-é: Tom Holland does use masks too.
merritt: Tom Holland could be young Psycho Mantis Metal Gear Solid 5.
Steven: Sure, sure.
merritt: But no, Tom Hardy. You know, he just always seems to have a mask on. And, you know, he could do that for this too, so that would be fun.
Steven: You know?
merritt: Andy Serkis would be great.
Steven: Jordan says Andy Serkis, yeah.
merritt: Oh, what’s his name. Um, the guy from Hellboy and Star Trek.
Steven: Ron Perlman. Oh. [Danielle laughs]
merritt: Nope. Fishman.
Steven: Oh, Doug Jones?
merritt: Yeah, Doug Jones.
Steven: Doug Jones would be great.
Danielle: He’s really good!
Danielle: Yeah, he’s really good.
merritt: All right, and…
merritt: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, go ahead.
Steven: I don’t love those– well, I’ve only seen the first one of the It: Chapter One, if you wanna call it that or whatever, the It adaptation, but Bill Skarsgård is like Pennywise in that movie.
Steven: Like, he does that voice that I think like fits. He’s basically doing a Psycho Mantis voice when he plays Pennywise in that movie.
Fūnk-é: Oh yeah. I think we also need someone like sick and twisted who can get into different roles and submerge themselves in these characters, so I’m gonna have to go with Tyler Perry for this one. [laughter]
merritt: Pretty good.
Steven: Honestly, if he really threw himself into that role, he would actually probably do pretty well! [laughs]
Fūnk-é: It would be rough, because like, if he’s in the movie, then he would have to play multiple roles. So he would kind of take up the whole cast by the end of it.
merritt: Mm, yeah.
Steven: It’s another Decoy Octopus situation.
Fūnk-é: It would be.
merritt: Again, great Hideo Kojima move, you know? Just, when’s the collab happening? That’s all I’m saying.
Fūnk-é: We’re waiting!
merritt: Kojima-san, very respectfully, very excited about the Xbox partnership. Please announce partnership with Tyler Perry. I think it’s what the fans have really been waiting for. We’ve been so patient.
Steven: Madea Gear Solid.
merritt: And that’s the name of the episode. [laughter] All right, let’s just do a few more Rare trivia questions and then get outta here. This is a Rare quiz part two. [transition sound] Rare’s Taboo: The Sixth Sense simulates what kind of fortune telling activity?
merritt: Fūnk-é, go ahead.
Fūnk-é: Tarot cards?
merritt: That’s correct. [correct noise] Yeah, we played this one on a stream.
Steven: Oh, the Wii game. You played this, right?
merritt: No, no. This was an NES game.
Steven: Oh, okay.
merritt: And game is being generous, [laughter] because basically it just shows you a bunch of cards, and that costs you $50.
Steven: What a steal.
merritt: Rare made some poorly produced—or poorly received, I guess is a better way of putting it—movie tie-in games for the NES. What are they? You can just name one.
merritt: Steven, go ahead.
Steven: Nightmare On Elm Street?
merritt: That’s correct. [correct noise] That was one of them.
Fūnk-é: Oh, whoa.
merritt: Yep. The Nightmare On Elm Street game sees you sort of walking down an endless street, dodging bats and cartoon ghosts and snakes and stuff, and then you go into the dream world and fight Freddy. It’s very strange.
Steven: Well, in fairness to them, they actually based that off of the Nightmare On Elm Street animated series spinoff.
merritt: Ah, of course. Yes.
merritt: Yeah. I have at least two more in mind, if, uh…
merritt: Go ahead.
Danielle: Did they do the Total Recall game?
merritt: They did not do the Total Recall game. [incorrect noise]
Danielle: Ah, shit. Okay. All right.
Fūnk-é: I didn’t know there was a game for that movie. I love that movie.
Danielle: It’s an NES game.
merritt: And there is a scene where you do fight your wife, so, um…
merritt: That’s very funny, because– no, it’s actually by Ocean who were also British, so maybe that’s where the confusion comes from.
Danielle: Ah, I see. I see. I was doing one of those…
merritt: Yeah, no, there is a scene where you fight Sharon Stone, where you fist fight your wife. And…
Steven: Can you throw like exploding head bombs?
merritt: Exploding head bombs. I don’t think you can do that.
Danielle: Like his cool old lady head that he…
Steven: It’s my favorite scene from that movie, with Michael Ironside. The “Get ready for a surprise!” and then it explodes. [laughter]
Fūnk-é: My favorite scene is when that guy comes in and he’s like, “Listen, this is all a dream.”
merritt: Uh huh.
Fūnk-é: Like, “You can shoot me, and it’s not even gonna matter.” And he’s like, “Oh, I can shoot you?” And then the guy starts sweating.
merritt: Uh huh.
Fūnk-é: Like a bead of sweat just drops.
Fūnk-é: Epic scene.
Danielle: It’s so good.
merritt: I rewatched Total Recall pretty recently. Great movie, truly good movie.
Danielle: Yeah, truly great.
merritt: Also just incredible choice, picking Schwarzenegger as the protagonist. And it works.
Danielle: Another “Robert Picardo is in it for two minutes and steals the show” movie, by the way.
merritt: Oh, yeah?
Steven: Who’s he play?
Danielle: He is the friendly car driver robot that gets decimated. [laughs]
merritt: Oh yeah! Oh my God. That’s…
Danielle: It’s one of his best. Yeah.
merritt: Love it. The other two are Beetlejuice and Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Danielle: Oh! Okay.
Steven: Mm, it’s showtime.
Fūnk-é: Just hopping around the genres here.
merritt: It’s showtime indeed. While most people associate Rare with Donkey Kong or Banjo-Kazooie, this lesser known Rare mascot got his own Game Boy Advance game in 2004.
merritt: Be really impressed if anyone knows this.
Danielle: I’m gonna buzz.
Danielle: I’m gonna buzz. Is this Diddy Pilot like Diddy Kong?
merritt: No, it’s not. [incorrect noise] It’s not an anthropomorphic animal at all.
Steven: Ah, no idea.
Fūnk-é: A cool kid? Is it a cool kid with a backwards hat? [incorrect noise]
merritt: No, it’s Mr. Pants.
Danielle: Oh! [laughter]
merritt: It’s Mr. Pants. You know, Mr. Pants.
Steven: I’m sorry, who?
Danielle: Mr. Pants!
merritt: It’s Mr. Pants, which is also the name of the game. Sorry, the name of the game isn’t Mr. Pants. The name is It’s Mr. Pants.
Danielle: Of course.
Fūnk-é: Of course, of course.
merritt: Mr. Pants is a crudely drawn stick figure wearing underwear, because that’s what pants are in the UK.
Danielle: In England.
merritt: And, uh, he’s nude other than his underwear and a bowler hat.
Fūnk-é: Oh, this is bad to look at.
Danielle: Oh, yeah.
merritt: Yeah, it’s not good.
Fūnk-é: I thought you were, like, it was a pair of jeans or something like with eyes on it.
merritt: No, no. He’s just a man.
Fūnk-é: This is a naked British man.
merritt: It’s just a naked man.
Steven: Pants in Britain often mean…
Steven: Like, they say trousers to mean pants. Pants is like underwear.
Fūnk-é: Uh uh.
merritt: They said that, uh, “We knew that it wasn’t a big wow game, but the playability was there.” [laughter]
Fūnk-é: Playability was there.
merritt: It was initially meant to be a Donkey Kong game, but then the property defaulted back to Nintendo. And so then Rare was like, oh shit, we have this game. What are we gonna do with it? Oh, I know. We’ll use our mascot, Mr. Pants, who everyone loves.
Fūnk-é: No replayability, but you can try it once and have a good time.
merritt: You know, Mr. Pants. I think it’s a puzzle game. Anyway.
Steven: This looks like…
Danielle: Also, the Game Boy Advance game that I was thinking of came out in 2005, and I was a year off.
Danielle: [sighs] Sorry.
Steven: This looks like a character that the kids in Captain Underpants would draw.
merritt: Oh my God.
Steven: So like, two layers of like remove from reality.
merritt: Like a fictional fictional character.
Steven: A fictional fictional character, yeah.
merritt: Yeah, yeah.
Steven: This is like the, one of the kids in Captain Underpants is a comic book artist. I don’t know if that’s true. I’m just making this up. But if there was such a character, he would draw a character like this.
Fūnk-é: But they draw in class and stuff.
merritt: Oh yeah.
Fūnk-é: But that’s a good point. Like, they were…Rare was onto something here.
Fūnk-é: Like, there’s underpants-based characters that pop off.
Fūnk-é: But not this weird man.
merritt: This one didn’t. Everyone hated him.
Danielle: Not this one. Yeah.
Steven: Captain Underpants, Stripperella, all the big names.
Danielle: Doug, with the Quailman. You know?
merritt: Yeah, Quailman. Well, I mean, yeah, I guess a lot of superheroes wear their underwear on the outside.
Danielle: Underpants over the pants, but.
merritt: Yeah, yeah.
Steven: God, the amount of times– we don’t have to get into this, but the amount of times that they have like tried to work out the underwear, the red underwear on the outside thing with Superman, out of his costume, because they’re embarrassed by it, and then have to keep coming back to it to show like, “No, we really care about like the classic designs! Don’t worry about it!” Like, the number of times DC has tried to pull that stuff is just, on its face, incredibly funny to me.
Danielle: It’s wonderful.
merritt: God. Look, everyone knows that’s what Superman looks like. It’s fine.
Fūnk-é: Just lean into it. Yeah.
merritt: Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter. All right. Just a couple more. In Blast Corps, why does the player have to demolish buildings?
merritt: Go ahead, Steven.
Steven: You have a bomb in your car that’s going to explode if you don’t keep driving forever, something like that? It’s like a speed situation isn’t it?
merritt: Yeah, I’ll give it to you. [correct noise] So, what’s actually happening is that there is a nuclear bomb on a truck that is driving just across the country. And you have to demolish everything in its way, otherwise it’ll hit a building and explode.
Steven: Ah! I see.
Fūnk-é: So at the end, it falls into the ocean?
merritt: Which is not, I don’t think…I don’t think that’s how nuclear bombs work. I don’t think they just go off when they hit something.
Fūnk-é: How do they stop it?
merritt: I don’t remember. I never finished Blast Corps. I imagine they’re trying to like, you know, deprogram it or something, but.
Steven: I love the idea that they’re like, well, we have to stop this nuclear bomb. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta stop that nuclear bomb, otherwise it would destroy a major American city. What’s the best way to, um, buy ourselves some time to defuse this nuclear bomb? Well, what if we destroyed a bunch of American cities? [laughter]
merritt: Yeah. I mean, listen, is it a good conceit? No. Is it a fun game? Yes. So. [laughter] All right, last question. What is the name of the English civil parish in which Rare has been based since the 1980s?
Danielle: Oh, buzz!
merritt: Twycross is correct.
merritt: That is correct. And with that, you have tied with Steven. And that’s unsatisfying, so let’s have a tie breaker. [laughter]
[Dramatic musical cue]
Fūnk-é: Can we do it for all the marbles?
merritt: I mean, we can do it for some of the marbles, for sure.
Steven: Fūnk-é wants to grab that golden snitch. [laughter]
merritt: Yeah, yeah. Did you know that It’s Mr. Pants was originally called Splonge?
Danielle: No! [laughter]
merritt: That’s not a tiebreaker. I just think people should know that it was almost called Splonge.
Steven: You can’t call a man who runs around in his underwear Splonge.
merritt: I don’t know if Mr. Pants was involved in the game at that point, or if they were just like working on a puzzle game and we were like, [British accent] “What’s it called? Oh, Splonge, innit?”
Steven: They just had to walk themselves– like they started just like hardcore pornography game and they just started walking it back step by step until they finally reached a happy middle ground. It’s like, well, it’s a fun little platformer, but he is butt naked most of the time. [Danielle laughs]
merritt: Oh my God. Well, actually, it’s funny that you should say that, because the crayon snake that snircles– snircles. That circles around the board in the game was originally called the trouser snake. [laughter] And then THQ was like, you can’t do that.
Steven: The trouser snake and his ability to splonge.
merritt: We still exist. We still exist because it’s 2004, and we’re telling you, you can’t do that.
Fūnk-é: We’re going to shut it down.
merritt: We’re going to shut it down, and then we’re going to shut down if you don’t change this. And we might just shut down anyway, who knows.
Danielle: And they used–
Fūnk-é: Okay, if they took Mr. Pants’s hat and mustache off, I think it would be better.
Danielle: Yeah. It would be better.
merritt: Yeah, I agree. That would be less threatening.
Danielle: Ex Rare employees did use a trouser snake by naming the snake enemy Trowzer with a Z in the original Yooka-Laylee.
merritt: Uh, all right. Okay. Tiebreaker. Name some snakes from…name some snake-based games by Rare or snake characters in Rare games.
Danielle: Slither from Donkey Kong Country. It’s one of the enemies, the snakes.
Steven: Snake Pass, the video game.
merritt: Okay, well, Snake Pass isn’t by Rare.
Steven: Oh, I thought– okay. Well, I thought that was just generally.
merritt: Oh, no.
Fūnk-é: Bonko from, uh, Donkey Kong Country 2.
merritt: Wait, what is the name?
[Drumroll sound effect]
Fūnk-é: Um, Bonko, everyone’s friend.
merritt: Bonko. All right, you know what?
[music in background]
merritt: Fūnk-é wins, because Bonko the Snake is a great character who definitely doesn’t exist, but he exists in my heart.
Danielle: Are you thinking of Rambi?
merritt: So, congratulations to Fūnk-é, coming up from behind with a surprise win.
Fūnk-é: Let’s go!
Fūnk-é: [British accent] Two wins in a week, innit?
Danielle: Bonko and Rambi?
merritt: Bonko and Rambi, the new game from Rare. [Danielle laughs] What if they were just like, what if they had a big announcement and everyone’s like, oh shit, they’re gonna do a new Donkey Kong? Or, oh shit, they like, you know, big new Sea of Thieves update? And they’re like, “We’re remastering Mr. Pants.” [laughter] We’re creating the Mr. Pants cinematic universe.
Steven: I’m gonna– can I flip the script on you, merritt, and ask you a quiz question?
merritt: Uh, yeah, I suppose.
Steven: Okay. Well, as long as you’re super enthusiastic about it, I’ll go through with this. [laughter] You know how every–
merritt: I’ll allow it, uh huh.
Steven: [laughs] You know how like every remaster now has to have like a…like the Red Faction: Guerrilla remaster was like Re-Mars-tered. Everybody has to have like a cutesy colon thing on their remaster now.
merritt: Uh huh.
Steven: What would the colon, like, Mr. Pants remastered colon be?
merritt: Well, I’m glad you asked, because it would be It’s Mr. Pants: Remarstered, because James Marsters would be playing Mr. Pants and doing his trademark great British accent he did in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Steven: I see. That’s great.
merritt: So he’d be like, [British accent] “It’s me. I’m Mr. Pants, innit.”
Fūnk-é: [imitating James Marsters in Buffy] Ey, love.
Steven: Oh, I don’t like this voice for Mr. Pants! [laughter] I don’t want him to sound like that.
Fūnk-é: What’s the problem?
merritt: Listeners at home, go look up a picture of Mr. Pants to get the full effect. And again, I do wanna remind everyone that I was robbed. And, uh, you know, we are gonna rise up.
Danielle: [laughs] Wow.
merritt: We are gonna rise up and, you know, overthrow the corrupt, fake results of the Great British British Off.
Fūnk-é: I have one thing to say.
merritt: Yes, Fūnk-é. Is it about…
Fūnk-é: This is for gamer fans and people who live in England.
Danielle: Oh, wow.
Fūnk-é: “Away, away!” That was one of the people in Bloodborne.
Danielle: That’s true!
Fūnk-é: So, that’s why I have the crown.
merritt: Yeah. I mean, can’t argue with that.
Steven: Oh, so you–
merritt: Uh, but I will.
merritt: I will though. I’m going to. I can’t, but I will. That’s it for this episode. Thank you for listening. Go listen to that Friends Reunion episode. I mean, it might be unlistenable if you’ve never listened to the show before, because it is just a bunch of people doing terrible British accents for an hour. But, uh, it’s good. And you can get in our Discord, which is at fanbyte.casa and tell everyone merritt was robbed. merritt should have won the Great British British Off. You can also write a review of us on iTunes. You can just write that in that review. It doesn’t matter what you put in there. Just give us five stars and then say that– just spread the word, you know? If you wanna follow us on Twitter, Steven is @stevenstrom. Fūnk-é is @funkefly. Danielle is @danielleri. Our producer Jordan is @Jordan_Mallory. Fanbyte is @FanbyteMedia. I’m @merrittk. And, uh, until next week, watch out for Mr. Pants, and keep that dial tuned.
Fūnk-é: Oh no.
Danielle: Oh no, it’s Mr. Pants!
merritt: He’s coming. Keep that dial tuned to Channel F.
Steven: [laughs] Mr. Pants, please do not come!