Much like Yom Kippur, this week’s episode of Friends Reunion is a time for penance and atonement. The Fanbyte Thinktank (currently consisting of Head of Large John Warren, Brand Editor+ Niki Grayson, and Social Editor+ LB Hunktears) has said a lot of things over the last rolling calendar year, most of which have been knowingly false at best and genuinely misinformed at worst. If we are to consider ourselves a journalistic institution with any amount of scruples, we must take the time to properly address, correct, and apologize for these errors and inconsistencies.
Once a year.
Falsehoods addressed in this episode include that time Niki said “everything the blood touches is drugs,” as well as the time Niki said that whenever you’re inside of something, you’re fucking it, no matter what the circumstances are. Most of these are Niki, actually — while Niki does spend the majority of the episode working diligently to avoid apologizing for any of their past statements, it’s also clear they have no intention of ever changing.
To be fair, LB once said that a baby will die if you put it on a bed that’s too big — not because it might roll over or something like that, mind you, but because simply being left in a space that is too large is lethal for a baby. Additionally, the Thinktank tackles the topic of the best wines for pregnant women (as you can see from the headline) and devotes some time to addressing comments it made regarding 9/11 and the movie Shark Tale. That’s without delving into some potential misinformation it disseminated regarding the CDC and a listeria outbreak.
Truly, no one here is free of sin. (Except for Producer Jordo, of course, who was not mentioned in even one of the submissions from our delightful Discord.)
Friends Reunion Ep. 121: The 2022 Apology Episode
You can also listen on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts!
Friends Reunion Ep. 121: The 2022 Apology Episode Transcript
Transcribed by E. Powers
LB: [British accent] ‘Ello, good morning. It’s me, James Peg. Welcome to Peg Chat. [laughter]
Niki: [British accent] Ey, what’s up, J peg?
LB: What’s up, J peg?
Niki: My mate! My mate, J peg, innit?
LB: ‘Ello! [drops accent] Wait, we’re not doing British anymore.
John: No, we’re not.
Niki: [still doing accent] I was watching a video the other night of Lando Norris.
LB: No, it’s over.
Niki: [drops accent] Oh. I was watching a video the other night of Lando Norris [John: “Uh huh”] and his very attractive brown friend [John laughs, “Okay”] that works for the YouTube channel that they have together.
LB: Uh huh. Okay.
John: Sure.
Niki: And Lando Norris was like, “Now you’re gonna do my routine for 24 hours.” And I didn’t realize that Lando Norris was 22 human years old and also sounds like me when I do a British accent. Like, his accent sounds fake. [others laugh]
John: That’s pretty good.
LB: It’s true, he does.
John: Yeah. Welcome to Friends Reunion. This is a podcast for discerning listeners. I’m, uh…
LB: We’re American again.
John: We’re American again. I’m one of–
Niki: Finally. Thank God.
John: [laughs] Now we’re on the right side of history. Finally. [laughter]
Niki: Finally!
LB: [sarcastic] A country that’s never done anything wrong, America.
John: That’s never done anything. A country that, as we speak, is definitely not doing anything actively wrong. And yeah, I’m John Warren. I’m here with my two friends, LB Hunktears.
LB: Hello.
John: And Niki Grayson.
Niki: ESPN sources: If Kyrie Irving cannot reach an agreement to stay with Brooklyn, he has a list of teams that he’d like them to consider as sign-in trades, including the Lakers, Clippers, Nicks, Heat, 76ers, and Dallas Mavericks.
John: Yeah! That’s, yeah, let’s go! [LB laughs] It’s time. It’s time to put Kevin Durant and Luka Doncic together. I can’t– we’re pivoting to basketball in this podcast.
Niki: Finally. Welcome to Corner Three.
John: Welcome to Corner Three.
Niki: Jordan, play the theme song.
John: Thank you. [starts imitating song]
Niki: [laughs] Uh, I’ll find it for you.
John: We’ll find it again.
Niki: I’ll find the MP3.
John: We have a really special episode. I mean, we are continuing Gimmick Month, and we wanted to take this episode to really just think about all the wrongs we’ve– all the wrongs that have come up during this episode, all maybe the misinformations or things that might have confused you.
Niki: That’s a big word.
John: Well, it’s like…
Niki: Misinformation, isn’t it? That’s kind of a big claim.
John: We’re real journalists, right? So we wanna correct the record, you know, and so I think this is [Niki: “Yeah”] our yearly attempt to do that.
Niki: And we’ve put it during Gimmick Month? Am I understanding that correctly?
John: That’s true, yeah.
LB: Yeah, it’s our gimmick is being sorry. [laughs]
John: The gimmick is being sorry.
LB: But Jordo’s gonna play a little sad tune, like a little like thoughtful tune right now. [tune starts playing] Welcome to the Fanbyte Friends Reunion apology episode.
Niki: Wait, is it like a lounge cover of something?
LB: Mm…
Niki: Can it be like…well, is it like mournful?
LB: Do you want it to be “Despacito”?
John: I don’t think it’s a lounge cover.
LB: [laughs] Like a lounge…
Niki: Yeah, what if it was like a lounge or jazz cover of “Despacito”?
LB: We don’t have that.
Niki: We don’t have that.
LB: So you would have to do that right now.
Niki: What kind of fucking Radisson is this?
LB: So then, Niki, then you have to perform it. You’re hired.
John: Yeah, go ahead.
LB: You got what it takes, kids.
Niki: Okay.
[tune stops]
LB: Get up there!
Niki: [imitating instrumentals]
John: [joins in]
Niki: Are you gonna talk, or…?
John: No. Oh!
LB: No, this is your song time.
John: Oh, so– oh, no, no, no, we’re talking over it.
Niki: Well, no, but I was doing the backing track.
John: Right, okay.
Niki: And you’re–
LB: No, you’re singing “Despacito”.
Niki: Oh.
LB: For like a lounge singer. [John resumes song]
Niki: Oh, that would be racist. I can’t do that.
LB: Would it? Would it? Racist against lounge singers?
Niki: Yeah. [laughter] They’re a protected class. The Supreme Court said so today. That was one of the…
John: Yeah. Yeah.
Niki: That was one of the things they got out of the way.
LB: You have no rights unless you’re a lounge singer! [laughs]
John: Yeah, yeah. Fucking Richard Cheese showed up to the Supreme court to be like, [imitating] “I have riiiights.”
LB: “No one else, though!”
John: “Ooh wa-ah-ah-ah, I have riiiights.” [laughter]
LB: Ah, remember that guy? I was– there was nothing that thrilled tween me more than a new Richard Cheese tune. [John laughs]
Niki: I thought that Richard Cheese was just chomping Weird Al’s bit when I was like six or whatever.
John: Ah. No.
Niki: So I didn’t like Richard Cheese.
John: Oh.
LB: Yeah. Mocking a song invented by Weird Albert.
Niki: Well, I didn’t know.
John: Weird Albert.
LB: Strange Albertson. [laughter] So, welcome to the apologies episode and corrections. Here’s a thing I said that wasn’t true.
John: Okay.
LB: I said babies won’t die if you leave them in– babies will die if you leave them in the middle of a bed.
John: Yeah.
LB: That’s not true.
Niki: Wait, is that not true?
LB: That’s not true. I don’t even know why I said that. I don’t even– I never believed that was true.
John: Yeah, you um…
Niki: Wait, I thought it was–
LB: It just felt true to me at the time.
Niki: I thought that meant– I thought it was because the bed was so big that the baby would like roll over and suffocate.
LB: No.
John: No.
LB: It was just that the baby, just that the largeness of the bed…
John: Yeah. Niki, if I recall correctly, I kind of tried to throw LB a bone and go in that direction, and LB said, “No, no. It’s just if you leave the baby in a large bed. [LB laughs]
Niki: Oh. Okay.
John: And I was like, “Oh. Oh, okay.”
Niki: So this episode is just gonna be us doing the bits again, because we don’t remember what we said during the…
LB: No!
John: No, no, no.
LB: No. Correcting the bits.
Niki: Oh, okay.
John: It’s correcting the bits, because I don’t remember most of our bits, and like reading this list that was provided to us by our Discord users over at fanbyte.casa. You should join our Discord today. Yeah, it was a real stroll down memory lane into things that I was like, “Wow, we said that into a microphone, huh?”
Niki: And it’s still online.
John: And it’s still online.
LB: Uh huh.
Niki: And people remember it.
LB: So, the next one we have actually corrected.
John: Yeah.
LB: That dogs can’t live más.
John: Dogs can. I was on the right side of history.
LB: Dogs can live más.
Niki: Yeah, you were on the right side of history. I was not.
LB: Yeah, there’s…
John: Yeah.
LB: I got a video of Niki and Barley where Niki admitted that dogs can live más.
Niki: Yeah.
LB: It’s on my Twitter. I can retweet it.
Niki: I was, uh…yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking at that time, you know?
LB: I mean…
John: Well, I don’t know.
Niki: I was kind of…
LB: We can go back to the episode and listen.
John: I mean, you are–
LB: It’s a good one.
Niki: That was like my gas leak year. [LB laughs]
John: I mean, you are the parent of a dog. Your whole year of a gas leak, yeah. Yeah.
LB: You’ve actually– you had a real gas leak this year.
Niki: This year was my gas leak year, actually.
John: Yeah.
Niki: Or the kind of the real gas leak there was.
John: I think when you were considering if dogs could live más, you were kind of considering your own dog, you know, as being the, you know.
Niki: Yes. And she was fresh at the time, I think.
John: Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah.
Niki: She was new, and like…
John: You had just gotten her, and you were kind of looking at her like–
Niki: Yeah. Damn.
John: There’s not a dog that’s living less than mine, you know, [others laugh] in kind of a few fundamental ways, you know? [laughs] We love Barley, though. We love Barley.
Niki: Yeah. She’s fine. Well…
John: Well.
Niki: She’s kind of regressed in the last couple of weeks, but she’s all right.
John: Aw, poor baby.
Niki: Dumb idiot choked on some big kibble.
John: Yeah.
Niki: I was like, “Chew it,” and she was like, [imitates dog choking]
LB: You should have given her the small stuff for small…
Niki: You know how there’s a baby food shortage?
John: Yes.
LB: There’s a baby food shortage for–
Niki: There’s a dog food shortage.
John: There is a dog food shortage.
LB: Oh, really?
Niki: Yeah.
John: I cannot get it. I cannot get my brand of dog food right now.
LB: Fuck.
Niki: Yeah. They don’t have the tiny kibble anymore, so I had to buy the same kibble but big.
John: Yeah.
Niki: So I guess technically it is my fault–
LB: Why didn’t you just crunch it?
Niki: –but if you think about it, it’s Joe Biden’s fault.
John: Yeah, why–
Niki: What?
John: Niki, why don’t you get a mortar and pestle and just get every kibble and kind of grind it up?
LB: [laughs softly] Yeah.
Niki: So, what I did do afterwards was I put it all in a plastic bag and crushed it like you would Oreos.
John: Uh huh.
LB: Mm-hmm.
Niki: If you were making like crumble. But then she didn’t eat it, so then I had– I have to give her wet food now. She’s fucking prissy about it.
John: Now, I did tell you privately that Ziggy did this to me.
Niki: Yeah.
John: Uh, five-ish calendar years ago, where he got really fussy about his dry food, and we were like, “What are we gonna do? My boy has to eat. What are we gonna do?” And so we started giving him canned food, and now it’s five years later, and now we give him a combination of the two every single day for every single meal.
Niki: Well, in another five years, you’ll just start– you’ll get all the way back to dry food.
John: Or it’ll be like steak dinner. He’s like, “Papa, I cannot eat without… [LB laughs] Papa, I cannot eat without my filet mignon, please.”
Niki: “Can you pass me the A1?”
LB: Have you tried having a more commanding presence?
Niki: Ooh!
John: No, because–
Niki: Oh.
John: He melts me. You’ve seen the way he looks at you.
LB: Yeah, but when I dogsat for you, I never gave him wet food. I gave him dry food.
John: Wooow.
LB: I give them the same food. Well, I gave– I think one of them got more food than the other.
John: Yeah, one of them–
LB: You instructed me to give him dry food! What are you talking about, “Wow”?
John: Wooow! Yeah. I probably said that because I’m like, if it’s coming from someone else, he’ll probably eat it.
LB: He did.
John: Yeah.
LB: He ate happily.
John: Yeah. He’s manipulative. Dogs are manipulators.
Niki: They are.
John: Yeah. They are.
Niki: I think that all dogs should go on that Jada Pinkett Smith Facebook show. [John laughs] The Red Table Talks or whatever.
LB: [laughs] To talk about how they’re manipulative?
Niki: So they can atone for their sins. Yeah.
LB: So dogs can live más, and they live so más that they’re sinners and need to atone to Jada Pinkett Smith. [laughs]
John: All dogs need to go on The Breakfast Club with Charlamagne Tha God.
Niki: Yes. Yeah. And apologize.
John: And answer for their fussiness. Yeah.
Niki: I think it’s a reasonable request.
John: That would be so fucking funny to turn on that Jada Pinkett Smith show and just see Barley on it, just like sitting there. [laughter] God, that would be funny. What else we got? I mean, we were instructed by Louis that all of our JPEGs were wrong.
LB: I’m not apologizing for that.
John: I’m not apologizing for that.
Niki: I will never apologize for a JPEG.
LB: I’ll apologize to merritt, for some reason.
John: I’ll apologize to merritt for some of it.
Niki: Yeah.
John: But some of it was worth it. Like, if we had not…if we had totally gone away from describing JPEGS, we wouldn’t have had the entire episode about describing the shared song universe of “Losing My Religion” and…
Niki: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
John: And the Robyn song. So it’s like…
Niki: Yeah.
John: Yeah.
Niki: The corner cinematic universe would not exist without the JPEG.
John: The corner cinematic universe, right.
LB: Yeah.
John: So I don’t apologize for that.
LB: And some really fucked up looking guys we’ve also seen that we wouldn’t have seen.
Niki: And that juggling, the juggling museum.
John: The juggling, yep.
LB: [laughs] The juggling museum.
John: Yep.
LB: The Ikea bookcases full of juggling.
Niki: Yeah.
John: Yep.
Niki: We would’ve never gotten that without J Peg, so.
LB: Nope.
Niki: Do you think J Peg is related to Simon Pegg? Do you think there’s a– in Simon Pegg’s– is that his name?
LB: Yes?
Niki: The guy in Hot Fuzz? Is that him?
LB: Yes. Yes.
Niki: Oh, fuck yeah. I got a white guy right! So, that guy, do you think he has a relative named J?
LB: Probably. I mean, he’s got–
Niki: Nice.
LB: Probably has a relative named like Jacob or John. They could go by J.
Niki: [singing] John, Jacob, Jingleheimer Peg. His name is– [LB laughs] Uh, the next one, I think I said this.
John: Sorry, I just–
Niki: What’s up?
John: I just came to. [LB laughs] I kind of blacked out after Niki asked if JPEG and Simon Pegg were related. [laughter]
LB: Are you alright?
John: Yeah. Did I miss anything else, or are we…?
LB: We sang a little ditty.
John: Oh.
LB: It’s fine.
Niki: Yeah.
John: All right. Cool. I’ll listen to it on this episode tomorrow.
Niki: Everything blood touches is drugs, for the science special.
John: Now, I wasn’t on this one.
Niki: That was– I think I said that.
John: Everything blood touches is drugs, and I would like you to explain that, please, go ahead.
Niki: I think I meant to say that everything that blood that has drugs in it…
John: Huh?
Niki: Turns into drug blood. So like, if you are…
John: HUH? [laughter]
LB: I get it.
Niki: I think, I don’t remember what we were talking about, but like, if you do a weed, right?
John: Uh huh. Yeah.
LB: Mm-hmm.
Niki: All of your blood is then drug blood.
LB: Weed.
John: Weed blood.
Niki: It’s all weed blood.
John: Right.
Niki: Regardless of how you put the weed in your body.
John: Okay.
Niki: Jordan says that someone asked how drugs bypass the blood/brain barrier.
John: Okay.
Niki: It’s ’cause it’s all drugs.
John: Yeah.
Niki: Everything that blood touches is drugs. That’s why I said it!
John: Everything blood touches is drugs. Okay. Everything that blood touches is drugs.
LB: And there’s blood in your brain.
Niki: I don’t need to apologize for this. I was right.
LB: Yeah, Niki was right. We don’t need to apologize or correct ourselves.
John: I mean, I hate to say this. That one makes sense to me. [LB laughs] That one makes sense.
LB: Niki was right.
Niki: I was right.
John: I mean like, if you take a Vicodin for your pain…
Niki: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
John: That doesn’t just go to the place.
Niki: It stops the pain everywhere.
John: Yeah, it basically zonks it out everywhere. So everything the blood touches is drugs. That’s true. We won’t apologize for that.
Niki: What if they sent you home, though, with like local anesthetics?
John: Oh my God.
Niki: Like, all the time.
John: That was– oh my God. I would be so pissed.
Niki: [laughs] You like had to– there were 52 variants of Tylenol.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Well, I guess there are already 52 variants of Tylenol. But there’s like 124 variants of Tylenol in the Target, and it’s like, this one only works on your fingers. [John laughs] We also only give you six.
John: That would be incredible and infuriating.
Niki: Yeah. “Car fucking,” says Gwen.
LB: Getting in the car is the same as fucking it.
John: Yeah. Yeah, Niki, I remember this one. You said, um… [LB laughs quietly] Yeah, you said that when you’re– how do you fuck a car? And you’re basically like, “Every time you get in a car, you’re fucking it. If you’re inside of something, you’re fucking it.” Which is then when I said, “So when you put on your clothes, you’re saying, ‘Ooh, can’t come to the phone right now. I’m fucking my clothes.’” [Niki laughs] Like, that doesn’t like…
Niki: I still believe that.
John: That is profoundly one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard anybody say.
Niki: [laughs] I just think that if we… [sighs] If you have a very fundamentalist idea of sex, which I do. [others laugh]
John: Yeah?
Niki: Then…
John: Yeah?
Niki: I think that the– [all laugh]
John: Uh huh? Yeah, and I know this about you. Yeah, we’ve, uh…yeah. We don’t discriminate.
Niki: Then–
John: We don’t discriminate here.
LB: Known formalist, known sexual formalist, Niki. [Niki laughs]
John: Yeah. Tradwife, Niki Grayson.
Niki: Then getting into and out of a thing is sex.
John: Uh huh. Okay.
Niki: It’s not sex if you just get in.
John: You have– [laughs] you have to get out again?
Niki: Well, that’s just soaking, if you just get in the car.
LB: [laughing] Jesus Christ.
John: Oh my God.
LB: So basically you’re saying like, if you’re unpacking or packing a car, like where you’re repeatedly going in and then immediately getting out, and then going in…
Niki: Yes. Yes.
LB: Like, that’s having sex with a car. But if you’re going in a car and just sitting in it, that’s not sex.
Niki: Correct.
LB: Honestly, I think this is…
John: No. What?
Niki: Yeah, LB.
John: No.
LB: It’s more true than the first thing.
John: LB, what? [LB and Niki laugh] You can’t–
LB: It’s more true than getting in the car and sitting in the car is sex.
John: You cannot start that by going, “Honestly?” No. [LB laughs]
Niki: But like, do you not think that the act of a car wash, for the car, is sexual?
LB: [laughing in surprise] For the car?
John: [baffled] For the car? For the car?
LB: I don’t think it’s sexual.
Niki: Yeah, for the car.
LB: I think it’s like weirdly satisfying.
Niki: Like sex is sometimes.
LB: No!
John: Mm… [laughs]
Niki: How is–
LB: Weirdly satisfying is like…the only time sex is weirdly satisfying is if you find out you were right about something. [John and Niki laugh] Like, it’s not weirdly. Like, the weirdly satisfying is like, it has to be a surprise that it’s satisfying.
Niki: Yeah, you make a call before it happens. [LB laughs] You’re like, “This person is gonna absolutely do this thing,” and then they do it, and then you have to stop yourself from laughing, because it’s not an appropriate laugh. It’s like you’re laughing at the person.
LB: It’s like, if you’re like, “There’s so many birds outside. I’m sure someone is feeding the birds.” And your partner’s like, “No one’s feeding the birds. Just, birds hang out.” And you’re having sex, you look, you see out the window, someone’s feeding the birds, and you go, [Niki: “Yeah”] “Aha! I knew it!” [John laughs] That’s when sex is weirdly satisfying.
Niki: Mm-hmm.
LB: But like, you can’t…the whole, the expectation with sex is that it’s going to be satisfying.
Niki: Yeah.
John: Mm.
LB: Weirdly satisfying, as a genre, is supposed to be surprising that it’s satisfying.
Niki: Yeah. I see. But I think the car always derives pleasure from the car wash then, right?
LB: What if it’s a bad car wash?
Niki: Like, you don’t take the car…
LB: I don’t think the car derives pleasure from me washing the car.
John: Wait, then what does it– wait, what does a car derive pleasure from, period?
LB: [laughs] I think it likes it when it goes through the automatic car wash or when a professional washes it.
Niki: Yeah, when a professional does it.
LB: Like it’s a massage.
John: When a professional washes it.
LB: [laughs] Because it’s like a car massage.
Niki: But like, if I’m like just hosing it down ’cause there’s dust on it, like it doesn’t like that. It also does like being refueled.
LB: It likes being refueled.
Niki: That is sensual.
John: What about oil change? Or is that like going to the–
LB: Loves that.
Niki: No, that’s surgery.
John: Is that like going to the dentist, though?
Niki: Yes. To them, that is like a dentistry or an oral surgery.
LB: Okay, but after you get your teeth cleaned at the dentist…
Niki: Right.
John: Mm-hmm.
LB: Like, yeah, it hurts for a little, but then like the next, like, I don’t know, once it stops being sore.
John: Yeah, you’re rubbing your tongue.
LB: You’re like, “Mm, my teeth! They feel so fresh!”
John: Mm, smooth. They feel polished. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
LB: They feel so nice. That’s how it feels.
Niki: “My pistons are so lubricated.” That’s what your car is saying.
LB: Yeah. Okay. But like, I think when I take my car to like the carwash where you put the money in and then you do it yourself, it’s like, [unimpressed] “Okay. Like, thanks for the effort. You’re so bad at this.”
John: Wait, do they call ’em Jiffy Lubes because they know something about the car’s pleasure that we don’t?
Niki: Yes.
John: Okay.
LB: What…what part of Jiffy or Lube do you think is about pleasure?
Niki: The lube part.
John: The lube part.
LB: But it’s lubricating the–
Niki: And also the Jiffy part.
LB: [laughing] I was wondering if like jiffy was like…be there in a jiffy!
John: Yeah, right.
Niki: Well, again, as a sexual traditionalist, that’s what I call it sometimes. [LB laughs]
John: Yeah, that’s…right. Yep. [old-timey voice] I met my sweetheart for a Jiffy. [laughter] We ate popcorn by the beach. We had a Jiffy under the boardwalk.
Niki: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
LB: [laughs] People used to just eat popcorn, huh?
John: They did.
LB: Like, around.
John: Yeah, they just used to eat popcorn.
LB: They would just buy popcorn at the…
Niki: Like in places.
John: They would.
Niki: But I mean, popcornopop– what’s it called? [laughter]
LB: What?
John: What?
Niki: George Stephanopoulous? The popcorn place?
LB: What?
John: Sorry, wait, what?
LB: [laughs] What?
John: What? Why did George Stephanopoulos come up?
Niki: Popcornopolis.
John: With George Stephanopoulos?
Niki: Yeah. [laughter] What if they had George Stephanopoulos host the Popcornopolis episode of Unwrapped?
John: That would– you know what, Niki? That’d be wild! [laughter] Wow. Marc Summers is like, “We got a special guest today! [Niki laughs] It’s George Stephanopoulos.” And fucking no one– like the rating– everyone turns off their TV. [LB laughs] The Food Network’s like, we’ve never seen anything like this. [laughter]
Niki: I’m not apologizing for the car thing. I was right.
John: Okay, so Niki won’t apologize for the car thing.
LB: Okay, cool.
John: We also got–
LB: Will we apologize, John?
John: No, because I didn’t say anything wrong. I disagreed.
LB: I’ll apologize for my part, for the part I took.
Niki: For the part you played?
LB: Yeah.
John: I mean, I was always on the side of thinking that this was absurd, so I won’t apologize.
LB: I am constantly entertaining this idea.
John: Okay.
LB: And I accept that that’s wrong of me.
John: Right.
Niki: I don’t think it’s wrong.
LB: Even though I just did again.
Niki: I think it’s healthy to ask questions about the world that we live in, you know? [LB laughs]
John: Yeah. Yeah.
Niki: I do.
LB: That’s true.
Niki: It’s true.
LB: Okay.
John: I mean, we got–
Niki: Inquisitive minds breed stuff, you know?
John: Yeah. I mean, we did get a…we got a message and then four fingers pointing to the message on Discord about our Olive Garden theory. That was LB’s–
Niki: Thank you, Jack.
LB: What was that one?
John: That was LB’s claim that when you go into an Olive Garden, you turn into different family members, [LB laughs] you turn into relations of each other.
LB: That’s true! That’s true.
Niki: That’s still true.
LB: That’s still true. Otherwise it wouldn’t be “When you’re here, you’re family.”
John: Right. Right.
Niki: That’s like, that’s not even a thing.
LB: Why would they lie?
John: Why would they lie?
Niki: That’s not a thing we need to apologize for.
LB: That’s Olive Garden.
Niki: That’s a thing that the Olive Garden needs to apologize for.
LB: Exactly. Exactly.
Niki: Like, change the slogan.
LB: Like, that spaghetti witch needs to apologize, not me.
John: Not me.
Niki: The spaghetti witch. [John laughs]
LB: Yeah. Okay, okay, okay. COVID can’t go up, so you can jump high enough to avoid COVID. [laughter] That one I will apologize. That’s not true.
Niki: I will apologize for that one.
John: We should apologize for that one, and also, when did we say that? [laughter] Like, was this early in the pandemic or late in the pandemic? Or like, was it now?
Niki: I don’t…
LB: It was…
Niki: It’s still correct, though.
John: No!
LB: No, it’s not!
John: No, it’s not.
Niki: It is, though.
John: No, but like, explain yourself.
LB: No!
Niki: Okay. I think that Yao Ming has a lower chance– if I have COVID. If I have COVID…
John: [laughs] That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.
Niki: No! If I have–
John: Yao Ming, go to the doctor, ‘cause Niki has just cursed you to die from COVID.
Niki: No!
John: Please wear a mask.
Niki: If Yao– if I’m– okay. I’m hanging out with Yao Ming. I have COVID-19.
John: And Yao Ming goes, “Who the fuck are you?” [laughs]
Niki: Yeah. If I don’t sneeze, but like I’m walking next to him, the chances of him getting it, because he’s so much higher up than me, are low.
John: Right.
Niki: But if I’m walking next to like LB or John, right? Our mouths and noses and ears and eyes are closer together.
John: Ah.
Niki: To each other.
John: Ah.
Niki: Unless I’m like coughing and spitting up at Yao Ming. [John laughs]
LB: Okay, but here’s what you fail to remember about basketball players.
Niki: What?
LB: They’re around other basketball players. They’re all around other– it’s not like a Yao Ming sized person is working with us.
John: Yeah. You’re reference–
LB: But I don’t think…
John: Niki, you’re referencing a basketball player. The patient fucking zero of the National Basketball Association [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] that caused the complete shutdown of this country [Niki: “Mm-hmm, mm-hmm”] was 6’11” Rudy Gobert.
Niki: Yes, but he probably got it from another very tall person.
LB: [laughs] So, but that– then that means COVID still exists high up and you can’t escape it by jumping!
John: Yeah.
Niki: No. No. The claim is [LB laughs] that COVID can’t go up. If you’re already up, it’s not going up, is it?
LB: Yeah, it is!
Niki: It’s going across.
John: No, wait, what is– wait, wait, whoa, whoa. [John and LB laugh] Wait, what do you mean?
LB: We have to apologize for this one. We’re sorry.
John: We are so–
LB: That’s not true. [laughter]
John: It’s not true! Nothing of what you just said is true. Absolutely none of that is true.
Niki: I’m sorry. That’s one of the most incorrect things I’ve ever said, and I should probably stop talking about science on any of the programs that we make.
LB: No!
John: No, no, no, no.
LB: We should absolutely continue talking about science.
John: We should absolutely continue.
LB: We just need to apologize for it annually.
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. Please keep doing it. We don’t have to…
LB: Like Yom Kippur.
John: We just have to come back around to it, that’s all.
Niki: Yeah, we need to have our own Yom Kippur.
LB: That’s what this is!
John: I never made you apologize for asking if calcium was a element, [Niki laughs] which you did.
LB: ‘Cause it’s genius.
John: Yeah.
Niki: I was right. I mean, to ask.
LB: It’s a good question.
Niki: It’s good to ask.
LB: How many elements can you just buy in a plastic bottle at Walgreens? Very few.
Niki: Not a lot.
LB: Very few.
John: Very few.
Niki: Well. Well…
LB: You can get calcium. You can get magnesium.
Niki: You can get iron, potassium.
LB: You can get iron, potassium. Well.
John: Well. [laughter] Kinda get a lot of them.
Niki: Well.
LB: Walgreens, you got a lot of elements there, huh? [laughs]
Niki: Yeah, you trying to let me build a bomb at the Walgreens?
LB: I mean, you can’t get any of the noble gasses at Walgreens. [laughs]
Niki: Uh…
LB: You can’t get krypton. [John laughs]
Niki: That’s true. You can’t get krypton at the Walgreens.
John: Everyone at home, go to your CVS right now and ask for plutonium at the counter and see what happens. [laughter]
LB: Do you have any boron, please?
John: Do you have any boron?
Niki: Yeah. I know you have it. It’s over the counter now. [laughter]
LB: It’s one of those, like the Sudafed, yeah.
John: The Sudafed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughter]
Niki: Ah, fuck. Let’s see. Thank you, lazarushandshake for reminding us about our COVID denialism. [John laughs] Blankopera, Jack, also brings up the time we said that we can drive to the international space station straight up.
John: Yeah.
Niki: The space shuttle has wheels. [John laughs]
LB: I don’t think that counts as driving.
Niki: It drives on the way back down.
John: Wha– no. No, Niki.
LB: I think you…there’s driving is part of the journey, but it’s not the majority of it.
John: Right.
LB: Like, you wouldn’t say like, “I’m driving to New York,” if you’re taking a plane, even though the plane’s technically–
Niki: But don’t the astronauts have to get in cars and drive to– isn’t that the most important part? [LB laughs] The part where they go from their house to the launch pad?
John: No, you’re–
Niki: That’s driving.
LB: [laughs] That’s not driving to the International Space Station!
John: No, you’re exactly right. When a surgeon gets up, [laughter] the most important part of the entire thing is what kind of shower he took. So he’s just like, “I took the best shower.” And that could just refer to the operation. None of it matters as long as that went well. [laughter]
LB: So we were wrong about that.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Yeah, that was incorrect.
John: That was incorrect.
Niki: No, there’s not a ramp high enough.
LB: We were right to say it. But we were wrong…
Niki: To think it.
John: To think it.
LB: [laughs] Well, no, we were right to think it too, [laughter] but we were incorrect.
John: We were incorrect, yeah.
LB: We were morally correct, but factually incorrect.
John: I’d love to take this one. Louis reminds us of the very old episode that predated LB where Niki came on to impersonate Tracer from Overwatch and said, “I’m not actually a lesbian. That was just a marketing tool that Blizzard said, and I love men. I love men.” [laughter]
Niki: This could still be true. [John laughs] I will not apologize for this.
John: Okay.
Niki: Over the course of the last two and a half years with the Overwatch team…
John: Uh huh. Yep.
Niki: I don’t trust [John: “You don’t trust them”] anything those fuckers say.
John: Yeah.
Niki: So they could very easily [John: “Yep”] be like, oh, over the course of the last two years, Tracer broke up with that girl that she was dating [John: “Uh huh”] in that comic they released six years ago.
John: [laughs] Yep.
Niki: And now dates men.
John: Okay.
Niki: So I will not apologize for this.
John: Okay, so Niki stands behind this one. I remember being appalled by this at the time.
Niki: Right.
John: But I think I’m almost with Niki on this one.
Niki: Thank you.
John: Yeah.
Niki: I was right.
LB: I don’t have an opinion, ’cause it’s about Overwatch.
Niki: Damn, I’ve done a lot of these, huh?
John: Yeah.
Niki: A lot of these are mine.
John: Yeah, a lot of these are yours.
Niki: Mm.
John: We had someone asking if they– if you would apologize for the bird murder fantasy.
Niki: Oh, I did. That was…I shouldn’t have– that was– yeah. Sorry.
LB: You already apologized for that, though.
Niki: I apologized for that.
John: Yeah, they did apologize for that.
Niki: I did as big of a repent as you could do. I asked the Audubon Society to send a guy, and they did.
John: And they did, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Niki: Yeah.
John: Yeah. So we–
LB: So what we should actually do is thank Niki for that.
Niki: Yeah, thank Niki.
LB: Thank you, Niki.
John: Thank you, Niki.
Niki: Thank you. You’re welcome.
John: Thank you.
Niki: You’re welcome.
John: I really appreciate that.
LB: Uh, let’s see. I said that Shark Tale was the 9/11 of sexy fish movies.
John: [laughs] Oh my God.
Niki: Why do you need to apologize for that?
LB: Okay, but here’s…??? said I was correct.
John: Yeah.
LB: So I was right factually but wrong morally?
John: Morally?
Niki: But I think, what are some of the other sexy fish movies, I guess is my question.
LB: Little Mermaid.
John: Um, Splash.
LB: Splash, of course.
Niki: Finding Nemo.
LB: Is that sexy?
LB: Uh, is that sexy?
LB: I think some people my age wanna fuck the fish.
John: Oh, yeah. Some people do wanna fuck the stripy Denis Leary fish.
Niki: Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
LB: That makes sense. I’ve never seen that fish, but…that seems like it’s a thing I’ve heard.
Niki: He looks like Denis Leary.
LB: Hmm. [John laughs]
Niki: But if he was a fish.
LB: I mean, that’s a thing people are into.
Niki: Yeah.
John: Yeah.
LB: Why did I say– I mean, is it the 9/11, like, that it was really bad? Like it was catastrophic for…
Niki: Well, how many…
John: Or did it stop all future fish movies? [LB sighs]
Niki: Well, but like, 9/11 didn’t stop anything. It really started a lot of stuff, didn’t it?
John: Well, it stopped us from being able to, you know, wear our shoes through security.
Niki: That was an unrelated incident.
John: Actually, that was an unrelated incident. That’s true.
LB: But it was the beginning of a clampdown of power.
John: Right.
LB: On us as viewers of fish movies.
Niki: Okay. Yeah, because there have been less 9/11s in the wake of 9/11, and there have been less sexy fish movies in the wake of Shark Tale. [LB laughs]
John: Yeah, that’s true.
Niki: So.
LB: So, I’m sorry.
Niki: Yeah.
LB: For disrespecting the victims of Shark Tale. [muffled laughter] Okay. The CDC invented a fake deli meat listeria outbreak to capitalize on the Sopranos clout. [laughter]
John: Oh, I don’t…was I absent for that episode? Because I don’t remember that.
Niki: I have literally no recollection. [laughs]
John: I have no recollection of this. That is…that’s preposterous. [laughter] That is…like, to capitalize on Sopranos clout when? [LB laughs] Like, when did this happen?
LB: I guess when everyone was watching The Sopranos and getting into gabagool?
Niki: Yeah, that was last year.
John: And then there was a– no, no, no. Well, people have been watching The Sopranos for 20 years.
LB: Yeah, but it–
Niki: No, but the gabagool moment was like last year.
LB: Yeah.
John: Okay.
LB: Like pandemic, everyone re-watched The Sopranos and got Sopranos-pilled.
John: Yeah, I guess that’s true. All right. I mean…
Niki: What was the fake deli meat?
John: Well, is it fake deli meat or is it a fake listeria?
LB: I think it was a fake listeria outbreak on deli meat.
Niki: Oh, on deli meat.
John: Right.
LB: So would the CDC…
Niki: For what? To what end?
LB: Does the CDC get money? [laughter]
John: Yeah, to what end?
LB: [laughing] Was that the thinking?
John: Is James Gandolfini’s estate like fucking capitalizing on this?
Niki: Yeah, ham royalties.
John: Yeah, he’s getting gabagool royalties.
LB: How does the CDC capitalize on an outbreak?
John: Yeah, I don’t think it does, I think is the thing.
Niki: Well, that’s not true. Who makes the fucking COVID tests?
John: Well, I guess–
Niki: Follow the money.
John: I guess more jobs, right? Like if, if there is an outbreak, there are more jobs.
Niki: There are more jobs, you’re right. COVID was job positive for this country.
John: Big job creator, COVID was.
LB: Okay. So, we’re saying…uh. [quiet laughter] We did…mm, I think we’re sorry.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Okay. Yeah.
LB: But I think we had– it was an interesting thought experiment.
John: Uh huh.
LB: Again, it was factually wrong, morally questionable.
Niki: Right.
John: Mm.
LB: But fun.
Niki: But fun, yeah.
John: Now, would you call the one right after this a fun exercise that makes sense? Or is it just bullshit? Can you read that one?
LB: That’s just a joke! [John laughs] Listeria may also be the main ingredient in Listerine. That’s just a funny joke! That’s not true. Everyone knows that nothing can survive in Listerine.
John: I don’t know, though. Because I mean, Listerine, they could put it in there as like a goof, ’cause it won’t survive, right? Like, they could put anything in there.
LB: [laughs] I don’t think they do that.
Niki: Is that why it kills so many of them? Because there are just so many of them in there that they’re all fighting each other?
John: Yeah. Yes.
Niki: This kills so many germs ’cause they’re all– there’s infighting.
John: It’s just infighting. So that one might be real.
LB: I don’t think that’s real.
Niki: But do you think listeria is more powerful than–
LB: I don’t think we can say that listeria is in Listerine in our corrections and apologies episode. [laughter]
John: All right. Fine.
LB: I think we can say we were right to say it, but it was wrong.
Niki: It was wrong.
John: You know what, Listerine? Why don’t you sponsor the next episode, and we’ll see about taking that one back.
LB: I love Listerine. It’s like my second favorite product.
Niki: Oh, I have huge news.
John: Yeah.
LB: What’s up?
Niki: Listerine actually paid for this upcoming advertisement from Listerine. [singing, audio becoming echoey] Do do do do do, do do do.
Niki: Hey, shut the fuck up!
LB: [hushed] Shh! If you’re gonna tell people to shut the fuck up, do it quietly. Oh, hey, what’s up Niki? What’s up John?
Niki: Oh, wait, hey.
LB: What’s up?
John: I was just trying to fucking hum a tune, and you told me shut the fuck–
LB: You can’t hum a tune.
John: It’s just the library.
LB: It’s just the central branch, the beautiful central branch of the Los Angeles Public Library.
Niki: The books will hear you.
LB: It was very hard to find parking here.
John: Well, I can’t help being loud. I can’t help but being loud about my favorite podcast that I also host.
Niki: You’ve stopped whispering.
John: It’s called Thanks for the Knowledge.
Niki: What?
John: It’s about video game news and entertainment.
Niki: What kind of segue was that?
John: I can’t help it. I gotta be loud. I gotta be loud about it.
LB: Classic LA guy thing to do, just start talking about his podcast.
John: Loud and proud.
Niki: Are you– no.
John: When I’m not working on my screenplay here at the library, [quiet laughter] I’m hosting a podcast, and it’s called Thanks for the Knowledge, and if you want to get a digest of all your games news in one handy podcast–
Niki: [hushed] You’re getting loud again.
John: [loudly] I don’t care who knows it! Everyone at the DT–
Niki: Shh! Shh!
LB: Shh! Shh!
John: [quieter and measured] Everyone at the DTLA library should know.
LB: Why are you saying DTLA?
John: Downtown LA. We’re already here.
LB: Just say downtown. It’s the same number of syllables.
John: Fine. It’s fine. It’s fine.
Niki: You don’t need to specify.
John: I just saw– I saw a billboard, and it said DTLA, and I couldn’t help it.
Niki: Ditla.
John: Ditla. And I think every Sunday morning, that should be part of your podcast routine.
Niki: The library is closed on Sunday’s, dumbass.
John: You don’t have to–
LB: That’s why you can only listen– that’s why you have to listen to Thanks for the Knowledge on Sundays.
John: Yeah.
LB: You can’t go to the library for knowledge.
John: You can’t go to the library.
LB: You put it on your– turn on your podcast machine.
Niki: I listen to my podcast at the library. [others laugh]
John: That seems like a bad place to do that, but you can find it wherever you get your podcasts.
Niki: I check them out.
John: Every single Sunday morning. It’s a great way to spend a Sunday morning, and get your ready–
Niki: [raspy] Do you think if we submitted CDs to the library with every episode of the podcast on it, that they would let people check it out?
John: [normal volume] What happened to your voice? We’re being switched out of the library now.
Niki: [laughs] Do you think…
John: Listen to Thanks for the Knowledge!
LB: [laughs] We’ve been kicked out.
John: Listen to Thanks for the Knowledge every Sunday. Bye!
[echo ends]
Niki: Hey, what’s up? We’re back.
John: [laughs] Thanks, Niki. Appreciate that.
LB: [laughs] Thanks, Niki!
Niki: You’re welcome.
John: Thank you, Listerine. And with that–
Niki: Yeah, thank you, Listerine.
John: And with that, we’re out of corrections that we have. [muffled laughter]
Niki: Yeah, now what do we do?
LB: So, we’ve got a couple things. Marian Gonzalez on Twitter said, “Niki keeps waking up the Google Assistant in my car, though active listening is turned off.”
Niki: Hey Google. Turn the car off. [others laugh]
John: Hey Google. Turn left right now. [laughter]
Niki: Hard left. Hey, Google.
LB: Okay.
Niki: Can you play, uh…wait, stop listening. Hey Google, can you play any System of a Down song?
John: Wow. Niki, name one System of a Down song.
Niki: B.Y.O.B.
John: Okay.
Niki: Oh fuck, wait. She’s gonna do it. Hey Google, stop. [laughter]
John: Okay, well. Was that from Miriam?
LB: Yeah.
John: Sorry, Miriam.
LB: Marian, Marian.
John: Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry.
Niki: Sorry.
John: Sorry about that.
LB: Okay, and here’s a Johnston. Hoopscallion says that one time you claimed tiramisu was more bougie than brioche bread pudding.
John: It is.
Niki: It is.
LB: It’s not!
John: It is.
Niki: I think it is.
LB: No, it’s not!
John: Yes.
LB: No, it’s not!
John: It involves something called ladyfingers and it involves espresso. It is absolutely–
Niki: It’s also French. [John laughs]
LB: But you can get it at any Italian shithole.
John: [still laughing] LB, did you hear Niki say that it’s French?
LB: [laughs] No, I didn’t!
John: Yeah, Niki said, “And it’s French.” [laughs]
LB: It’s not French.
John: It’s not French.
LB: It’s fucking Italian.
John: It’s Italian.
LB: You can get it at any Italian shithole hole in the wall restaurant, you can get a tiramisu.
John: Yeah, I know, but you could– you can get bread pudding at a fucking dive in New Orleans.
LB: You can–
Niki: What if they’re the same?
LB: You can get brioche bread pudding at dives?
John: Yes. Yes. A hundred percent.
LB: In New Orleans and nowhere else. I’ve never heard of brioche bread pudding being served at a dive.
John: Well–
Niki: Yeah, but the Cheesecake Factory does have tiramisu.
John: That’s true.
Niki: Damn.
LB: So? The Cheesecake Factory has fucking burgers. Doesn’t make burgers bougie.
John: You don’t think that brown bread is bougie?
LB: What are you talking about? [laughter]
Niki: No, they sell it at Ralphs.
John: They do, I know. That’s wild.
Niki: So, no.
John: No, you’re right.
Niki: John, you were wrong on this one.
LB: Anything with brioche in it is bougie, and I say that as someone who loves brioche.
Niki: I think…I don’t know why brioche is…it’s just softer bread. Why don’t they just call it soft bread?
LB: Well, it’s not softer bread.
John: It’s not soft.
LB: It’s got like egg in it.
John: It’s got egg in it, so it’s got like a structure that’s a little bit different.
LB: It’s like bougie challa.
John: Yeah.
Niki: Mm.
John: Wait, why is it bougie challa, though? Like, what makes it–
LB: ‘Cause it’s French.
Niki: Challa is bougie.
LB: Because it’s French!
John: Yeah, but like, but you know, but LB– [Niki laughs]
LB: [shouting] And France is where the bourgeoisie is from, because it’s a French word!
John: Yeah, but LB…
LB: Jesus fucking Christ! [smacks something for emphasis] Ow, my hand!
John: Challa’s got that very interesting braid pattern. You don’t think that’s more bougie than a typical loaf of brioche?
LB: No! That’s a thing I– it’s just…why was that? That’s not bougie. And I hurt my hand slapping it emphatically. [laughter]
Niki: Did you clap so hard?
LB: I was slapping the back of my hand, ‘cause I was talking emphatically.
Niki: Oh.
LB: How is that bougie? You can– anyone can braid– just ‘cause it’s braided?
Niki: You can get challa at Ralphs.
LB: You can get brioche at Ralphs too, but.
Niki: Mm.
LB: Challa’s just ethnic. It’s not bougie.
Niki: Whoaaaa.
LB: What?
Niki: Can you say that?
John: Wooow.
LB: Yes.
Niki: Oh.
LB: [laughing] I can say that on my own ethnic group.
Niki: Oh, okay. I was just checking. [laughter] I was just checking to make sure. Yeah, John, I think you should apologize.
John: Apologize for what? It’s got–
LB: Apologize.
John: It’s got mascarpone, ladyfingers, and espresso. That shit is bougie. Bougie!
Niki: Mm.
LB: It’s not.
John: It is.
LB: It’s not inherently bougie. It’s sometimes bougie, but it’s not inherently bougie.
John: Okay, I’m sorry.
LB: If some greasy guy [John: “I’m sorry!”] in a sweaty Ferrari tracksuit makes it, it’s not bougie.
Niki: Okay, I googled tiramizu. [John laughs] And you know the…you know the…
John: And how did you spell that?
Niki: Uh, I spelled it right.
John: Okay.
Niki: T-I-R-A-M-I-S-U.
John: Okay.
LB: Okay, you just pronounced it fun.
Niki: Tir-AH-misu. In the Google card on the right, here are the categories: tiramizu, pregnancy, creator, nutrition and calories
John: Why are you saying it like Kalamazoo? Tiramizu.
LB: [laughing] It’s really funny. It’s really funny!
Niki: Tir-ah-simu.
John: Zoboomafoo.
Niki: Zoboomafoo. You shouldn’t…
LB: Why’s pregnancy there?
Niki: Well, it’s ’cause it got raw egg in it or alcohol, [LB: “Oh”] and those are bad for baby.
LB: Really?
Niki: Apparently.
LB: Or it make baby stronger.
Niki: That’s what I thought.
LB: I think a little bit of wine for baby is good.
Niki: A little bit of wine is– well, that–
John: A little bit of wine.
Niki: It is good.
LB: They say that.
Niki: Doctor do say that.
LB: They do say that.
Niki: Doctor do say you can have a little a wine for the baby as a treat. [John laughs]
LB: Yeah, baby likes it. It’s healthy.
Niki: Baby loooove a good Pinot.
LB: [laughs] What if– okay, so you’re a sommelier.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Oh shit. I’ve fucked up so bad. [laughter]
LB: And a pregnant woman walks in [John: “Uh huh,” Niki: “Yeah”] and says, “Hi, I am pregnant. Hello. I’m looking for a nice bottle of wine that I can enjoy, but also that I– ’cause I understand, like, I can have wine now that I’m with child. What is a good wine for baby?” What do you say? What kind of wine do you recommend for…?
Niki: Okay, I’m googling.
John: Whatever gets you fucked up fastest.
Niki: Hmm. No, wrong. And then I think–
LB: Wrong answer?
Niki: Wrong answer. I think I pull out my phone and I google “wines for pregnant women,” and then I think I read the Healthline article at them until they leave.
LB: Mm-hmm.
John: Until they leave, okay. Interesting.
Niki: Because then it’s not my problem anymore, right?
LB: But then you don’t get that commission.
Niki: Ah, it’s all right. Someone else will come in.
John: I would recommend sangria, ‘cause it’s got fruit in it.
LB: Okay.
Niki: Oh, baby love fruit.
LB: Sagrantino has the most antioxidants of any red wine.
John: Wow.
Niki: [singing halfheartedly] Red, red wine.
John: [joining in] Wiiine.
LB: [unimpressed] Okay. [laughter] I didn’t even mean to say that. It just came out. [all laugh] I really need to work on like my poker face, you know?
Niki: No, it’s fine. It’s fine. You were right.
John: No, you’re right.
Niki: You were right to say it.
John: You’re right. [LB laughs]
Niki: I just didn’t think you were going to, you know? Also, you can’t be like, “We’ve made this non-alcoholic wine. Here’s the alcohol content: 1%.”
John: Yeah, that’s not…
Niki: That’s not…
John: Yeah, that’s not.
Niki: That’s not what that is.
John: That’s not what that means.
LB: Are they advertising non-alcoholic wine to you on Instagram a lot? ‘Cause they love to show it to me.
Niki: Well, they will now.
John: Wow. Yeah, they will now, because we’ve been saying it out loud, but I’ve never got that, no.
Niki: And also because I literally googled it, but yeah. [others laugh]
LB: I think maybe it’s my demographic, ’cause they just assume, because of some…
Niki: The thing they advertise to me is canned mocktails that have nootropics in them.
LB: Mm.
John: Mm.
LB: That sounds disgusting.
Niki: ‘Cause I guess the nootropics are supposed to fuck you up different, or something.
LB: I don’t– that sounds terrible.
Niki: Yeah, the flavors are all fucking– they sound gross too.
LB: Have you tried them? I kind of wanna try this [Niki: “No, because–”] and see how unhappy it makes me.
Niki: Uh, talk amongst yourselves while I figure out what it was called.
LB: [sighs] I feel like…I mean, John, what nootropics have you ever done?
John: Uh… [laughter]
LB: List them for me. [laughter]
Niki: Omega three.
John: I…I’ve never really taken one.
LB: Really?
Niki: You’ve never taken– that explains so much.
John: I don’t think I’ve ever…
LB: I’m gonna look at the list of nootropics.
John: I don’t think I’ve ever had one, no.
Niki: Okay.
LB: Nootropics list.
Niki: I’m not gonna say the brand name, unless they pay us.
John: Right.
Niki: But an eight pack is $30.
John: Holy shit.
Niki: It’s got adaptogens, noo– noo–
John: [laughs] Noo, noo, noo!
LB: Mm-hmm.
Niki: Noo noo noo noo noo, nootropics and botanics like Schisandra, Damiana, and L-Theanine. Oh, this one’s supposed to make you horny.
John: [laughs] Okay.
Niki: Well, ’cause they each do something different.
LB: So was gas station dick pill the first nootropics?
John: It seems like it, yeah. Like, when I– the first time I saw horny goat weed in the…at the gas station when I was buying Dr. Pepper on like a lunch break when I was in high school. Yeah. That’s the first encounter I ever had with it.
LB: I think it’s, yeah, also the first encounter. For me, it was 7-Eleven with my friends at a break from [quietly] a musical rehearsal in junior high school.
Niki: “Like naked forest bathing at midnight. Non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated insert name of company is infused with adaptogens, nootropics, and botanics, like Reishi Mushroom, L-Theanine, and L-Tryptophan to mellow your mind, balance reactions to stress, and help conjure inner peace.” It’s also brown. [others laugh] The liquid is brown.
John: It’s also brown.
LB: Is it like, do you drink– for some reason, I’m imagining you drink it kind of warm, and it’s not carbonated.
Niki: It is carbonated, but for some reason, like, the can to me says this is a clear liquid not one that’s the color of Coca-Cola.
LB: Mm. Mm.
Niki: But it is the color of Coca-Cola.
LB: Mm. I think they should apologize.
Niki: Speaking of Coca-Cola…
LB: Yeah?
Niki: They should apologize for this.
John: They should apologize.
Niki: Well, I kind of respect the grift. If you can get a white person to pay $56 for 16 cans of liquid, [John: “Yeah”] and they don’t like make a car run, [laughter] like, I think like…I think like you’re doing good, actually.
John: Yeah, you’re doing pretty good.
Niki: Have you seen those– these are the videos that are coming up on my TikTok and Instagram feeds. But it’s like, apparently if you get lemon LaCroix and then put balsamic vinegar in it, it tastes like Coca-Cola.
John: Huh?
Niki: If you get lemon LaCroix.
John: Okay. Which tastes like nothing.
Niki: And then you get balsamic vinegar.
John: Which tastes like balsamic vinegar.
Niki: It tastes like Coca-Cola when you drink it.
John: Now, where…
LB: Where’s the sugar coming from?
John: Yeah. Well, the bal– there’s a ton of sugar in balsamic vinegar.
LB: Where’s the sweetness coming from?
John: That’s a great– you know what, LB? Great question.
Niki: I don’t know. I haven’t done it.
John: No, no.
LB: You should do it.
John: But where did you see this?
Niki: I saw it on Buzzfeed, and then–
John: You saw it on Buzzfeed.
Niki: I saw it on Buzzfeed. And then–
John: Uh huh.
Niki: After that, then I saw it after I watched a bunch of the– LB sent us a video of like [LB: “That was a really good video”] someone using a bunch of like kitchen equipment to like do dumb shit.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: And then I watched a bunch of those, [John laughs] so now my TikTok is really sick.
John: It’s really sick, huh?
LB: [laughs] That channel’s so good, though.
Niki: Jordan just told that there’s a Mew underneath the truck by the S.S. Anne, and I have to go so I can catch a Mew.
LB: Where’s the S.S. Anne? Is that near you?
John: Where’s the S.S. Anne? What?
Niki: It’s a Pokémon thing.
John: Oh, okay.
LB: Oh.
Niki: Marian’s fucking losing their mind right now.
John: Oh. [laughs] Niki, no, that doesn’t work. Whatever you just said about the LaCroix and the balsamic vinegar? Nope. That’s not gonna taste like Coca-Cola at all.
Niki: Well, that’s– but that’s what I thought about Buzzfeed putting all of those rubber bands on that watermelon, but that worked.
John: No. [laughs]
LB: Just ‘cause Buzzfeed was right once, are they always right?
John: Wait, you… [laughs] You think– okay. So you see the two things as being identical, that they were like, “We’re gonna put a million rubber bands on a watermelon and it’s gonna break in half,” and you being like, “Well, I don’t know,” but that has bought you the faith that they could just mix anything together and call it Coca-Cola? [laughter]
Niki: Yeah.
John: Okay, cool. No, no, no, that’s good.
Niki: Remember that day? Do you remember that?
John: No.
Niki: When they put all those rubber bands on that? Oh.
John: I remember that happening, but I don’t remember like the day.
Niki: I think it’s ’cause I was in school, so none of us were paying attention [John: “Oh, okay”] to any of the classes we were in.
LB: Oh, okay.
Niki: We were all on our computers or phones watching them put the rubber bands on the thing in the office.
John: I mean, I–
LB: You had internet events when you were in school.
John: Yeah, that’s pretty wild. Honestly, the last internet event I feel like I really fundamentally remember was the–
Niki: The dress and the watermelon day.
John: No, the day– oh, the dress was pretty good, but I would say the day that everyone was…that the camera was on that fax machine in Texas, [Niki laughs, LB: “What?”] and then people started sending in names that said like “Weedlord Boner Hitler” and stuff.
LB: What?
John: And then the GOP had to basically turn off the stream.
Niki: Yeah.
John: I remember that.
Niki: That was pretty good.
John: That’s what I remember, anyway.
LB: Okay.
John: That’s what I remember. [Niki sighs]
LB: We have one more, which is that we claimed that Fort Collins was affordable, which is not true anymore. That’s more for–
John: Fort Collins, Florida?
LB: I don’t know where–
Niki: Colorado.
LB: Fort Collins, Colorado.
John: Oh, Fort Collins, Colorado.
Niki: FoCo.
John: Oh, is that because…was that because Mikko was saying it’s affordable? Or is that where…
LB: And it’s more affordable than most places.
Niki: Than most places.
John: Yeah.
LB: More than most big cities.
Niki: But I think the thing that’s happening is that people are getting priced out of Boulder, so they’re moving to Fort Collins.
LB: Ah, that sucks.
John: Yeah, that makes sense.
LB: I’m sorry about that.
Niki: But pretend I don’t know that, because like, I don’t need to know– like, I don’t care. I don’t live there. You know?
LB: Yeah, Colorado.
Niki: Everywhere’s expensive.
John: Yeah, so we’re less apologizing about this one and just saying we don’t care. That’s what we’re saying. [laughter] That’s not an apology. It’s just like, we don’t care enough about this.
LB: But we were wrong.
John: We were wrong, but we don’t care.
LB: But we were also right.
Niki: It snowed there two weeks ago. Like, I’m not– why am I gonna care about a place that it snowed in June, you know? [laughter] It’s fucked up.
LB: Well, you know, I mean, we should really care.
John: Yeah.
LB: Actually, we really should. If we learned anything from Mikko, it’s that we should care.
John: Yeah. We should.
LB: About the weather being fucking bad, ‘cause it’s bad for the birds.
Niki: Climate change only affects people–
LB: Everyone.
Niki: Oh.
LB: Including birds.
Niki: What?
LB: Everyone.
Niki: I just bought a Hummer. [others laugh]
LB: Did you buy the electric Hummer?
Niki: There’s a WHAT? [laughter]
LB: You didn’t know about the electric Hummer?
John: This is like when I bought a Toyota Sienna, and like three weeks later, it’s like, oh, there’s a new one, it’s electric.
Niki: There’s a hybrid one, and uh…
John: Yeah, and I fucked up.
Niki: Damn. RIP. RIP. You can take the car back, John.
John: Yeah, let me just drive it to fucking Van Nuys. [Niki laughs] Yeah, let me just drive it to Van Nuys from here. Let me do that.
LB: I can drive it to Van Nuys. I live close.
John: Sure. All right, yeah. Yeah.
LB: Just drop it off at my place.
Niki: Drop it up at Burbank, yeah.
John: Yeah, yeah, I’ll drop it off at LB’s.
LB: Drop it up in North Hollywood. I’ll take it the rest of the way. [John and LB laugh]
Niki: Thank you so much, LB. That’s such a sacrifice.
John: Thank you, LB. [laughter]
LB: I’m a really good friend.
John: Are we gonna–
Niki: Wait. No, Jordan says take it to him. Okay, so.
John: Okay, I’ll take it to Jordo.
Niki: John, you drive it to Jordan, and then Jordan will drive it to LB, [John: “Okay”] and then LB will drive it…
John: To Van Nuys. Thank you.
Niki: Yeah.
LB: Okay, just breaking request.
John: Yeah.
Niki: Yeah?
LB: From pornmoth3.
John: Oh.
Niki: Okay.
LB: [laughs] That just is a quote tweet of Niki saying “‘the mountain goats’ fuck outta here.” I don’t know what that means.
John: Oh, no, don’t apologize for that one.
LB: Don’t apologize for that.
Niki: I wrote that tweet…I wrote that tweet, and I was like, it’s gonna take 30 seconds for Renata to reply to me.
John: Uh huh, to be mad. Yeah.
Niki: And it took 30 seconds [John: “Uh huh”] for her to reply to me.
John: Yep. Yeah.
Niki: It’s fucked up [John: Yeah, I know”] that so many gamers like this weird band that no one’s ever heard of. [John laughs]
LB: You mean my oomfie?
Niki: Yeah.
LB: Wow. Wow.
Niki: Yeah.
LB: I like the Mountain Goats. Some good tunes.
John: They’re fine.
LB: Yeah, there’s some good tunes.
Niki: In the first draft of that tweet, it was Neutral Milk Hotel, [John laughs] and then I–
LB: Well, it should have been that!
John: Yeah. [laughs]
LB: No one would’ve disagreed, except for like absolute mega virgins.
Niki: No, but that’s why I switched it to the Mountain Goats.
John: Yeah.
LB: [laughs] Oh, so you could make people angry.
Niki: Because I wanted the engagement. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
John: Yeah, you wanted engagement.
Niki: I wanted someone to get heated [John: “Yeah, yeah, yeah”] as they were scrolling through the TL.
John: Yeah. Yeah.
Niki: So I…this, you know what? Twitter Blue helped me out, because I was watching the little timer go, and I was like, you know what? I’m gonna take that one back.
Niki: Wait, you have Twitter Blue?
LB: Yeah. John pays for it every month.
John: [baffled] I do?
Niki: Yeah.
John: Oh, okay. [laughter]
LB: Do you mean John or Fanbyte?
Niki: Yes.
John: Oh, I didn’t know that. Okay. Well. [laughter] Twitter Blue helped you, and it’s never gonna help you again, you know?
Niki: Wow.
LB: But why don’t you just delete the tweet and then redo it?
John: Yeah, why wouldn’t you just do that?
Niki: Well, ‘cause that– no, because that’s…no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
John: No, no, no.
Niki: Here’s why I actually have Twitter Blue. It’s because it lets you have a different Twitter icon, and that’s worth $3 a month to me.
John: Mm.
Niki: I also have never expensed Twitter Blue.
John: That’s fine.
Niki: Not even one time.
John: It’s fine. I don’t–
Niki: Check my expenses. Check my literal receipts.
John: I don’t even check. I don’t even do your expenses anymore. That’s someone else.
Niki: Wow. Jordan’s gonna check my receipts.
John: Wow! Let’s buy Twitter Blue for everybody.
Niki: You get– yeah! No, you get– there are two good things about Twitter Blue.
John: Uh huh?
Niki: You change app icon. You can upload videos that are 10 minutes long.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Or up to 10 minutes long.
John: Oh, that’s, you know, that’s…when have you ever used that?
Niki: Have I done that?
John: Yeah, I was about to say. When was…
Niki: No, never. No.
John: Hmm. Okay.
Niki: Yeah.
LB: You know, in my day, I used to pay for Livejournal, a special paid Livejournal.
Niki: Yeah.
John: Oh.
LB: And it gave you like 20 to 50 spots for icons, so you could change your icon based on like your mood and stuff.
Niki: Whoa. That’s sick.
LB: Twitter Blue should let me do that. Yeah, it was awesome.
John: That is awesome.
LB: So I could post like a frowning Scully if I was in a bad mood, or if I was in a good mood. [John laughs]
Niki: Well, you could just do that, though. They let you post JPEGs for free.
LB: That’s true.
Niki: Right now, at least.
LB: That’s true. Anyways, we have one last thing which is we have to debate pickles.
Niki: Oh, they’re good.
John: No.
LB: They’re good.
John: No, they’re not.
Niki: Oh my God.
LB: Okay, let’s vote? Let’s take a vote.
John: Yeah, no, that’s not a debate. A vote’s not a debate. [LB laughs]
Niki: Yeah, it is. It’s the marketplace of ideas.
LB: No, Jordo says pickles bad!
Niki: What are you talking about?
John: Yeah, we’re tied. If Jordo counts, and I think he does, [LB: “Ugh!”] then we’re tied.
LB: Why don’t– but you pickle things all the time.
John: Yeah, I love pickled things, but we’re talk–
LB: Those are all pickles!
Niki: Those are all pickles.
John: No. No, they’re not. If someone goes–
LB: They’re all pickles!
John: No, no, no. If someone goes, “I would love pickles on that,” they mean pickled cucumbers. That’s what they mean.
Niki: No.
LB: In America.
John: Yeah. Where the fuck else matters?
Niki: Yeah, I love going to the McDonald’s in France [John: “Yeah”] and then they give me fucking pickled tiramisu. Yeah, that shit rules. [laughter]
John: I love pickled baguettes.
LB: I’m just saying there’s a lot of different pickled things.
John: I know! There are a million different pickled things. I love pickling things. Pickled red onion, pickled peppers, pickled cauliflower.
Niki: Pickle Rick.
John: But pickling is amazing. I would even eat pickled eggs. I like pickled eggs. But a cucumber that’s pickled? No. Fuck outta here.
Niki: Why, though?
John: They taste like shit!
Niki: They don’t, though.
LB: Can you hold it down for me real fast? I’ll be right back.
Niki: Yeah. Have a good pickle. LB’s gonna go get a pickle [John: “Oh my God”] and then show you the beauty of the cuke.
John: LB’s gonna go get a fucking Vlasic and snap into it.
Niki: Of the cuke.
John: Of the cuke.
Niki: Have you ever had a cuke? Like ever just taken a bite out of a cuke?
John: Yeah, I hate ’em. I hate cucumbers.
Niki: You don’t like cuke.
John: Uh uh.
Niki: Why?
John: I–
Niki: Do you like the smell of cucumber melon stuff from the Bath and the Body Works?
John: No, I don’t.
Niki: Hmm.
John: Well, well…
Niki: [suspiciously] Okay.
John: Because it doesn’t really…it doesn’t really smell like cucumber that much to me. Like, a lotion or something? Not really. That doesn’t bother me, but like, if you…yeah, if you fucking snap into a cucumber? Disgusting. I hate it. It’s like dirty water that changes the flavor of everything.
Niki: Would you rather snap into six Slim Jims at once or one cucumber?
LB: Six?
John: What? That’s the– would I rather eat six things that I like or one thing that I don’t?
Niki: No, no, no. Six Slim Jims like tied together to be the width of a cucumber.
John: Of a cucumber? I would do that in a heartbeat. What are you talking about? Yeah.
LB: It’s so fucking good.
Niki: 13 Slim Jims. [LB munches pickle]
John: Wait, you just said 6 and then 13 Slim Jims.
Niki: Now it’s 13.
John: Okay.
Niki: Are you still doing it?
John: Okay… [LB continues munching]
Niki: What kind of pickle you got, LB?
LB: It’s from Daughter’s Deli.
Niki: My daughter?
LB: So good. No, Daughter’s Deli. It’s, you know Langer’s downtown?
Niki: Yeah.
LB: It’s the daughter of the Langer’s people, started her own deli in west Hollywood. It’s fantastic.
Niki: Oh.
John: Mmm.
LB: So good. But the pickles are just like so right.
Niki: Oh, it on Sunset. Interesting.
John: Interesting.
LB: Like, the crunch is perfect. The sourness is perfect.
John: Yeah.
LB: Like, ah.
Niki: Oh, it from…oh, on Sunset by Mel’s. Did you ever get tricked into going to Mel’s?
LB: Not once.
John: No.
LB: Never in my life have I been to Mel’s.
Niki: Not once?
John: Nope.
Niki: Damn.
LB: Jordo, you’re not cutting out my chewing sounds, because I’m proving a point about how good pickles are. We can just put in a warning.
Niki: Yeah, there’s just–
John: [laughs] A pickle warning. Hi, everybody. Pickle warning. Weeooo weeooo weeooo.
LB: [laughs] Doo doo doo doo doo doo!
John: No, like, pickled cucumbers are fucking stupid. They’re nasty. They taste bad.
Niki: You’re so wrong.
LB: That was so delicious. That was so good.
Niki: I wish I had one.
John: No, you sitting there eating a bad thing telling me it’s good doesn’t change my mind.
Niki: I wish I had a pickle.
LB: Yeah, but I got to eat a pickle. [laughs]
John: Yeah, that’s true.
LB: That’s what happened. [laughs]
John: That’s fine.
LB: It was so good.
John: Listen, that’s fine.
LB: Have you ever– have you maybe never had a good pickle? is my thing.
John: No, I think I’ve had good pickles. I’ve been places where like, where I’ll be with people–
LB: Well, cause you were talking about Vlasic.
John: No, I– that was a joke. Of course that’s– no.
LB: Jordo’s been typing for a really long time. I don’t think my pickle sounds are gonna make it through, everybody.
John: No, probably not, but…
LB: I think I’m in big trouble.
John: You’re a huge pickle–
LB: I’m sorry, Jordo.
John: You’re in a pickle.
LB: [laughs softly] In a pickle. Pickles are good!
John: No, it’s like, I–
LB: And I don’t even care if people don’t like them, that’s the thing.
John: No, no, no. That’s fine.
LB: It’s like, if you don’t like pickles, that’s more pickles for me.
John: Yeah, I know. I’m not saying that like I think people are evil if they think pickles are good, but it’s like, everyone’s like, [mocking] “He doesn’t like a pickle!” We’re out here. We’re out here, folks.
Niki: Yeah, there are dozens of you.
John: There are dozens of us that don’t think pickled cucumbers taste good.
LB: Cucumber, also, the cucumber on its own is a great thing.
John: No, it’s not.
LB: Anything from Bath and Body Works sucks though.
John: Well, I agree with that, yeah. I definitely agree with that.
LB: I love a cucumber. I love cucumber in so many different stages of pickling also.
John: Mm. Mm.
Niki: Mm, yeah. Like a 120 day pickle.
LB: But like a barely pickled, a barely pickled cucumber, where it’s just like a little bit salty.
Niki: Yeah, a quick pick. Yeah.
LB: A little bit salty and a little bit tangy and crunchy. Oh my God.
Niki: Do you like kimchi, John?
LB: Yeah, what about kimchi?
John: Uh, yeah, I like kimchi all right.
Niki: How is cabbage different to you than cucumber?
LB: Well, very different inherent tastes.
John: They taste really different, Niki. That’s one of the wildest things I’ve ever been asked. [laughter] That’s completely wild.
Niki: They’re both green, though, aren’t they, huh?
John: Um…I mean, it’s just really funny. No, I don’t know. I think they have a…I think they have a total…they have a totally different flavor profile. And also–
LB: They do have a very distinct flavor profile.
John: Yeah. They just, yeah. It’s like, the pickling spices you also use to something like kimchi is just totally different. I like kimchi alright. I like…
LB: Do you like sauerkraut?
John: I like sauerkraut okay. I used to hate it.
LB: So you like sauerkraut, but you don’t like cucumber pickles?
Niki: You don’t like pickles?
John: Uh, I tolerate sauerkraut, so I wouldn’t say I like it. I wouldn’t take that as like a weird, I wouldn’t say like, “Oh, this idiot likes sauerkraut but not–” I don’t really like sauerkraut. I tolerate it.
LB: So it’s not a gotcha is what you’re saying.
John: No, it’s not a gotcha. I’m not owned. [LB laughs] I’m not owned.
Niki: Yeah, you’re not. You’ve never been owned.
John: But like, pickling some like…some onion, jalapeño, and like cauliflower in like one jar, and it’s all spicy and delicious and garlicky?
LB: Yeah, it’s very good.
John: Oh! Oh yeah. That’s just great.
Niki: Well, what if you just put garlic in cucumber jar?
John: No, but it doesn’t– I don’t like the cucumbers, Niki! The cucumber doesn’t taste good.
Niki: You don’t like the cucumbers.
John: Yeah.
LB: So none of us will apologize for this.
John: None of us will apologize.
Niki: No.
John: No.
LB: We’re at an impasse.
John: We’re at an impasse, and we’re also probably out of time for this episode of 9– [laughs] of 99 Potions.
Niki: Of 99 Potions. Thank you so much for listening.
John: Of Friends Reunion.
Niki: Do you think the pancakes at Denny’s or IHOP are better?
John: Uh, it’s been a really long time since I’ve had…
LB: It’s been so long.
Niki: That’s not what I asked.
John: Since I’ve had pancakes at Denny’s.
LB: IHOP.
John: Probably IHOP. I would rather eat a meal–
Niki: That’s correct.
John: I would rather eat a meal at Denny’s, [LB: “Not me”] because I love a Moons Over My Hammy.
Niki: Yeah!
John: I fucking love a Moons Over My Hammy, but I think IHOP’s pancakes are better.
Niki: Okay.
LB: Way rather eat at IHOP. The vibe’s better.
John: The vibe’s better?
Niki: Yeah, the vibes are better at an IHOP.
John: Now…
Niki: They care less about you at an IHOP.
LB: Mm-hmm. They’re not gonna…
Niki: They don’t give a shit, you know?
LB: Yeah, they don’t really…it’s just a lawless place.
John: I don’t know. I think it depends on where you go, huh?
LB: I also like the shape of an IHOP.
John: Yeah, I like the shape of an IHOP.
Niki: Yeah, you like the IHOP that’s off of Holloway and La Cienega?
LB: Mm-hmm. Yeah, it’s a good one.
Niki: That’s a good IHOP.
LB: That’s a really good IHOP.
John: Mm.
Niki: One time I ate too much at that IHOP, and I had eggs, so I went to put salt on them, and then the whole thing, the whole top of the salt came off, and I was like, “I can still eat these.” And then I got sick on the way home, and I threw up on the side of La Brea. [laughter]
LB: Thank you so much for listening to Friends Reunion, everyone. You can join us every week, Friday morning, at midnight or whenever this comes out. [laughter]
John: Whenever the fuck we decide to put this out.
LB: When it becomes Friday. Every time when it becomes Friday, it’s time for Friends Reunion. You get to see us and talk to us and hear about the time that Niki threw up on La Brea.
Niki: Bleh. It was terrible.
LB: So, who’s gonna take us out?
Niki: I will take us home.
John: All right, take us home.
Niki: Do you remember the hot dog Snapchat man? Well, yeah. Now he’s the president of Chile.
