Welcome to the new beta.  Found a bug or issue? Report it here.

Some Lizards Can Recall Seeing People That Look Like Them

This and other startling garden facts in our latest Friends Reunion podcast transcript!

In this week’s podcast transcript for the latest episode of Friends Reunion (a Podcast for Discerning Listeners™), John and LB reunite with Upload to tackle another slate of issues facing today’s Sleepy Americans, and you’ll never believe what shocking truths the Thinktank uncovers about the world of potatoes and home gardening.

(You can also listen on Spotify, or wherever you get podcasts!)

Thanks to the groundbreaking work by horticulturist David Green (not the priceless artifact thief/Hobby Lobby CEO, a different guy), we were able to learn some crucial information about what happens when potatoes green inside, how lizards interact with home gardens and what their main personality flaws might be, as well as a bevvy of other beneficial botanical tidbits. It’s worth pointing out that, just going off of the content on his website, David Green could be an AI or a person masquerading as one, but that doesn’t make his assuredly accurate information any less helpful.

And seeing as this is our penultimate episode — sorry, forgot to mention this. The show is going to sleep for a while after this month, and if you’re sad about it please let us know in the Friends Reunion channel of our Discord, as we might be able to resurrect it at some point in the future. Anyway, since this is the penultimate episode of (this iteration of) the show, Upload and the gang tackle some unfinished business on behalf of our beloved listeners. Primarily: Is the Queen alive or dead? And regardless, did she ever kill anyone with her own two hands while she was alive?

The Thinktank also makes some unhealthy (in my opinion, at least) comparisons between John, who is a successful man with many notable achievements to his name, and Lewis Hamilton, who is a world-famous Formula 1 driver, professional attractive person and knight. Life isn’t about who got the most pole positions, you know?

Friends Reunion Ep. 129: Potatoes Green Inside Podcast Transcript

Transcribed by E Powers

John: Hello folks. Welcome to Friends Reunion, a podcast for discerning listeners. This week’s wonderful sponsor is Glurpo, world’s only underwater clown. The only good clown is underwater. Go see Glurpo today in San Marcos, Texas. I’m one of your hosts, I’m John, and with me are my two very good friends, LB.

LB: Hello.

John: And Niki.

Upload: Upload a bank document. This info keeps eBay compliant with legal regulations. We will only use this document for verification purposes.

John: Now, what–

Upload: That’s my new name.

John: Oh, that’s your new– the whole thing?

Upload: That’s my new–

LB: That whole thing is your new name?

Upload: Yeah, that’s my new legal name.

John: Can we shorten it a little for the podcast or no?

Upload: Oh, to like Upload a bank document?

LB: Upload.

John: Upload?

Upload: Oh.

LB: [laughs] What’s up, Upload?

Upload: Hi, I’m Upload. What’s up, load?

John: Hi, I’m Upload. [quiet laughter] Someone asked a really good question right before podcast started. Is lemonade a juice?

LB: Yeah, that was Upload who asked that one.

John: Upload asked that question.

Upload: Yeah, me, Upload. I asked that.

LB: Upload uploaded that question into our…

Upload: Yeah.

LB: [laughs] Into our consciousness.

Upload: Lemonade. Because you need juice– it’s like, okay.

LB: It’s not juice.

Upload: Now, when I Google lemonade…

John: Right.

Upload: It gives me my insurance company, which is fucked up, so now I have to type in “lemonade drink.”

John: It could also give you those bad cafeterias that are in LA.

Upload: Oh fuck! I haven’t thought about Lemonade the cafeteria in a long time.

John: Uh huh. Yeah.

Upload: Damn.

John: Yeah.

Upload: Most of the stuff there is not very good, but their breakfast, which they only serve at the airport, is good. [Upload and John laugh]

John: I mean, Shake Shack only serves breakfast at the airport too, and they’re pretty good at it.

Upload: And it’s good!

John: Yeah.

Upload: Okay. You need lemon juice to make lemonade, right?

John: A stunning admission, but yes.

Upload: But does the end product, is it still not juice if it contains juice?

John: No, it’s not. No. Like, you can…okay, is chicken piccata juice? [Upload laughs] Answer me that. Is chicken piccata juice?

LB: No.

Upload: I would argue that the liquid might be juice.

LB: It’s not a sauce.

John: Is chicken piccata juice?

LB: It’s not juice. It’s a meal.

John: Is guacamole juice?

LB: No.

Upload: It’s thick juice, I think.

LB: No, it’s not juice.

John: Now, you know what’s fucked up is I said the guacamole one and I was like, that’s a really good example, but I almost was like: wait a second.

Upload: Because that’s, yeah. [laughs]

John: Wait a second, wait a second. Like, avocado is a fruit.

Upload: It’s a fruit, and you’re squishing it, right?

LB: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

John: Squish it up.

LB: It’s a puree. It’s not a juice.

John: Guacamole is a juice cocktail.

LB: It’s not. It’s not that. [Upload laughs]

John: I think when you smash up an avocado it’s juice.

LB: It’s not– okay. Describe to me the process of making juice of apple.

John: You fucking, you–

Upload: Uh, squish apple really hard.

John: Squish thing really hard.

LB: Right, and is the apple meat in the juice?

John: Mm, depends on–

Upload: Sometimes.

LB: Squished apple meat?

John: Depends on where you get it.

LB: Sometimes? No, squished apple meat is never in the juice.

Upload: No, sometimes you get–

LB: Squished apple meat is called applesauce, and that’s its own thing.

Upload: No, no, no. Sometimes you get apple cider or apple juice straight from the horses mouth.

LB: It’s maybe got a little bit of stuff.

Upload: And it’s got stuff in there.

LB: But not the stuff of a whole apple, not the stuff of the amount of apple that it would take to make that amount of juice.

Upload: Mm. Okay, but then, orange juice.

LB: Juice is removing the liquid from a fruit. [John laughs] Orange juice is special, because sometimes you keep some of the solid in there. But it isn’t just…

John: Well, not if you’re smart. You get rid of all the solid for orange juice.

LB: Okay, depending on– yeah, okay–

Upload: They’re scamming you, if you get pulp in there.

John: I agree.

Upload: You know that?

LB: I love the pulp. I love that stuff.

John: Ugh!

Upload: No, but it’s like– oh my God.

LB: But for the sake of argument.

John: What do you mean you love the pulp?

LB: It’s good.

John: What do you mean? It’s just a way for orange juice to abuse you, knock you around.

Upload: To scam you, yeah.

LB: It’s got– it’s fiber.

John: No.

Upload: No, but it’s–

LB: It’s good for my body.

John: Okay.

Upload: But where the fiber is should be liquid.

John: First of all, show me the fucking research that says that you get good fiber from orange juice pulp. [Upload laughs quietly]

LB: I’m not saying you get good fiber.

John: Oh, okay.

LB: I’m just saying it is fibrous material that I enjoy consuming.

John: [laughs] Well, I could eat fucking bamboo if I wanted to then, but why would I do that?

LB: You could!

Upload: You could!

LB: Listen, guacamole is not juice.

Upload: Guacamole is not juice.

LB: For this very reason that you are uncomfortable with pulp in your orange juice, [John laughs] because it’s not part of the juice. It’s like a treat.

John: All I’m saying– I think you’re right, but all I’m saying is guacamole was closer than I think the example I meant to give.

Upload: Okay, wait. Okay, I have an– wait.

LB: If you put an avocado in a cold press juicer, what comes out? [John laughs]

Upload: I don’t know. I don’t have one of those.

John: I don’t know. We could find out, though.

Upload: We could find out.

John: We could find out.

Upload: How much cold press juicer?

LB: I have a cold press– I mean.

Upload: Okay. Don’t fuck it up, though.

LB: I don’t know if it’s cold press. Well, I don’t have a sink to wash it afterwards yet, so I’m gonna have to wait until I have a kitchen sink.

Upload: No, here. [typing] Hey @pressedjuicery, [John laughs] have y’all ever tried to put an avocado in there?

John: Follow up question.

Upload: Let me know. Oh, yeah.

John: What would happen?

Upload: [typing] If you haven’t, can you? [laughter] What would happen? Send.

LB: Perfect.

Upload: All right, so they’ll get back to us.

John: Okay, because I don’t think chicken piccata is juice, I don’t think lemonade is juice.

Upload: Okay, but here– okay, you’re making a steak.

John: Uh huh.

Upload: Right?

John: Now, what the fuck am I– what juice am I putting on this steak?

LB: [laughs quietly] Lemon. Butter.

Upload: You’re making a steak. Your options for the amount of liquid in this steak.

John: Uh huh.

Upload: The steak is dry or it is…? That’s right, juicy.

John: Uh…

Upload: You’re not gonna say it’s a wet steak, right?

John: Uh, I mean, I wouldn’t, no. [laughs] I mean, I might going forward, but… [LB laughs] I might be at a Ruth’s Chris and someone puts a steak on the table, and I’m like, “Wow, that’s a wet steak.”

LB: [laughs] Okay, if you take beef [John: “Right”] meat. You take cow.

Upload: Beef meat, yeah.

LB: And you get the liquid out of the cow. That’s not juice. That’s blood.

John: That’s blood.

Upload: That’s milk. Is milk juice?

John: Milk?

LB: No.

John: I mean… [Upload laughs]

LB: It’s milk. It’s not juice. It’s milk.

John: Ah…

LB: Juice comes from a fruit and maybe a vegetable and nothing else.

Upload: And nothing else.

John: Nothing else.

LB: It’s not juice if it doesn’t come from fruit or vegetable.

John: Yeah, hold on a second. What about carrot juice? You gotta like grind that up to get the juice out of it.

LB: Yeah, but it’s still– but carrot is still high in water content.

John: Yeah. Right.

LB: So it does form a juice.

John: Mm.

LB: And then it spits out the…see, maybe my juicing experience here actually comes really in handy, ‘cause yeah, when you juice a carrot, there’s plenty of water in the carrot.

John: Right.

LB: It just needs to masticate it. I don’t have a cold press juicer. I have a masticating juicer.

John: Mm, mm.

LB: So it masticates the carrot, spits out the juice in one side, and then you get the dry carrot bits on the other side, which you could use to make a carrot cake.

John: Hmm. Hmm.

Upload: Well.

LB: What’s the problem here?

Upload: You’ve convinced me. No, you’ve convinced me.

John: No, no, no.

LB: You both sound so unhappy.

John: I mean, I’m not convinced.

LB: Is it ’cause I said masticate so many times?

John: You did say it more than I would’ve preferred, but it’s fine. [LB laughs]

Upload: Is…okay. Is…hmm. No. Yeah, I’m convinced. Wait, no, just kidding.

John: What part are you– okay.

Upload: Just kidding. Just kidding.

John: All right.

Upload: Wheatgrass shot.

LB: Uh huh?

Upload: Juice?

LB: Yes.

John: Yeah, that’s juice.

Upload: Hmm.

LB: Because grass is so high in water?

John: Yeah. Now, why are you having trouble with wheatgrass in this?

LB: Yeah, what’s the problem here?

Upload: Because it’s grass. [John laughs]

LB: Grass is a vegetable. It’s a plant.

John: No, wait, whoa. Hold on. Wait, wait, whoa. Hold on.

Upload: Is corn grass?

John: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Upload: Thank you, Jordan.

John: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. No, LB. I don’t think grass is a vegetable. [laughter] I don’t think you can say that.

LB: Grass is a vegetable.

John: I don’t think you can say that.

LB: I can say that, and I just did. Grass is a vegetable.

John: I don’t think so. I don’t think you can just say a grass is a vegetable.

LB: Fine, it’s a leaf. Is that…is a leaf not a vegetable?

John: I don’t think it’s a leaf.

Upload: I don’t think grass is leaf. I think it’s just plant.

John: I don’t think grass is leaf. Oh my God.

Upload: If anything, wheatgrass is grain, right? Because it’s the grass of wheat.

John: “Is Grass a Vegetable? (The Definitive Answer): [laughter] The word vegetable has long had a specific meaning, referring to all edible plant matter, including flowers, fruits, stems, [Upload: “What?”] leaves, roots, and seeds.”

Upload: No.

John: “Vegetables would include anything harvested from plants, such as grasses.”

Upload: That’s wrong.

John: Boo!

Upload: Okay, so if– okay. I go the Home Depot.

John: If I eat a fucking tree, then I’ve got my servings of vegetables. Great.

Upload: [laughs] Yeah, for the day.

John: All right.

LB: This doesn’t tell you whether or not it’s a vegetable. I think it’s a vegetable.

John: Mm.

Upload: I found another really good article on this website.

LB: It’s sometimes poison and a vegetable.

Upload: Can one of you please read the headline for this article on thegardenhows.com?

John: I think I volunteer LB to do it.

LB: [laughing] Hold on, one second. [laughter] Okay, here we go. I just want to give it the gravitas it deserves.

John: Yeah.

LB: “Potatoes Green Inside: Here’s Why and What You Can Do.” [laughter]

Upload: Potatoes green inside. “Inside some potatoes is green.” Period. [laughter]

John: Inside some potatoes is green.

LB: [laughing] Potatoes is green! It says it right there in the article. “Inside some potatoes is green.”

John: Inside some potatoes is green.

LB: Who is this person? They speak in Friends Reunion. [laughter] They speak our language.

Upload: David Green.

LB: It’s David Green.

Upload: It’s David Green. He just published…wait, three hours ago, he just published a piece called “Peppers Black Inside: What You Should Know.”

John: No, fuck off! An hour ago? [LB laughs] Wow.

Upload: Three hours ago, yeah. He forgot to add a header image, though. It’s not showing up.

John: Can green potato–

LB: That’s 11 hours ago, not one.

John: “Can green potato turn normal color?” Wait, wait, wait! “The green potatoes can’t be made normal, which is unfortunate.” [laughter]

Upload: David Green has a great website.

LB: Can green potato turn normal color?

Upload: Wait, does it say 11 hours hours for you?

LB: Yes, it does.

Upload: It says three hours for me.

LB: That’s really weird. Can green potato turn normal color? [laughter]

John: Green potato turn normal?

Upload: “Coffee Plant Leaves Brown? 7 Causes and Recommended Fixes.” “Cats Sleeping In Plant Pot: How to Safely Prevent them.”

John: Oh, wait, hold on a second. [laughter] “What happens if you eat greenish potatoes? Unripe, sprouting, or green tomatoes are said to contain poisonous alkaloids, according to reports of potato poisoning.” [laughs quietly]

Upload: Potato poisoning.

LB: Yeah, you can eat poison potato.

John: You can get–

Upload: Potato poisoning.

LB: It’s the same family as…it’s like a nightshade, right?

John: I understand, but it’s just potato poisoning is a very funny phrase.

LB: It is. [laughs quietly]

Upload: “Is Paint Harmful to Plants? Here’s Why and What You Can Do.”

LB: Wait, “Potatoes Green Inside” is 19 hours old. How are these articles all so new? How much does this guy write?

Upload: Yeah, how does David run this website? Wait, but then you click on “Potatoes Green Inside,” and it says three days ago. It also says that it only has one view.

John: Ooh, is there some shadiness afoot here?

Upload: Are you fucking…David, are you–

John: It probably auto-updates these articles to make them more SEO friendly or something?

Upload: Wow. Hold on, I’m gonna take a picture.

LB: “How to Make an Automatic Fish Feeder with Simple Materials?”

Upload: I’m taking a screenshot of David Green’s face, and now I’m going to go to images…

LB: Good call.

John: Okay.

Upload: Dot google dot com.

LB: See if he’s real man.

Upload: And I’m gonna see if this dude’s real.

John: “Dog Sleeping in Plant Pot and How to Safely Prevent Them.” [laughter]

Upload: How to prevent them.

LB: That’s the same as the cat one.

John: How to safely prevent them.

Upload: Yeah, dude, he just copy pasted fucking dog instead of cat. [John laughs]

LB: “Lizards Eating Your Plants? Facts & Simple Solutions.” [laughs] Wait. Wait, what? The opening sentence of this is fucking crazy. “We have often heard that lizards are the most obnoxious animals in gardens–”

Upload: I’m always saying this.

LB: “And having them devour your plants only adds to the unsettling irritation they already ’cause.” [John laughs]

Upload: I can’t stop talking about this.

John: I can’t shut up.

LB: [laughing] You’re always telling about lizards and how annoying they are. [John laughs]

Upload: Okay. When I did– okay. Now, I’ve done a Google search [John: “Uh huh”] for the picture of the man.

John: Yes.

Upload: And the first two results are for Pharrell Williams’s “Happy”.

John: Oh, so David Green also wrote “Happy”?

Upload: It’s unclear.

John: Interesting. Wow.

LB: Wait. This article also has a section called “How to Attract Lizards to the Garden.”

Upload: Well, why would I– make up your mind, David.

John: [laughs] Make up your mind, David.

Upload: Do I want or not want them?

John: “Placing Plants in the Refrigerator: What you Should Know.” [laughter]

LB: Okay, garden lizards “assist you in keeping little insects and other pests away from the crops you’ve worked so hard to grow and care for, [Upload: “Oh”] but they may also occasionally be the source of dread.” [laughs]

John: Of dread?

Upload: Of dread? Existential dread.

John: My garden lizards are causing me dread. Help. Help me, David Green.

LB: Wait, what? What? What? What? [laughing hard] “Some lizards can recall seeing people who look like them.”

Upload: Who look like them?

LB: Yes! What does that mean?

John: Wait, wait, wait, wait. That look like they’re themselves? That look like other lizards?

LB: I don’t know! I don’t know! [laughter] “Some lizards…can recall…”

Upload: Some lizards remember people who look like lizards.

LB: “…seeing people…who look like them.”

John: Now, why the fuck is that gonna be relevant to this, though? Why?

LB: “When their humans are around, they will recall their touch and be able to detect them, and they will act differently from how they would act around strangers.”

Upload: They will recall their touch. [John and LB laugh] Okay, there’s an article called “Using Olive Oil On Plants: What you should know,” except in this one, a person is pouring olive oil onto a piece of bread, which is not a plant.

John: Onto a piece of delicious bread. Yeah.

Upload: Not a plant.

LB: So wait, but bread is made– so it’s not a plant, even though it’s made from plant.

Upload: Yes. Bread not plant.

John: Bread not plant.

LB: Okay.

John: “If guac is a juice, then bread is a plant.” Yeah. I think that…

Upload: I refuse to call…

John: I don’t…I think, yeah, I think you’re right. If guac is a juice, then bread would be a plant, but because they’re not, yeah.

Upload: I’m closing David’s website.

LB: I love David’s website.

John: I’m about to accept– I just got one with this stock image of a dog, says, “Can Potting Soil Affect Dogs?” [LB and Upload laugh quietly] question mark, “Because of its Content.”

Upload: Oh, because of its content.

John: Yeah.

Upload: So should the dirt have a content warning for the dogs?

LB: Because of the content.

John: Content warning for the soil.

LB: [laughs] Content warning: dirt.

John: Warning: dirt. [laughter] Oh my God. Well, thank you, David, for your website.

LB: Thanks, David.

Upload: Yeah, thanks for your cool website.

LB: David Green, real person.

Upload: Yeah, real, extant person.

John: Wait, wait. “Reasons why Dogs may Like to Eat Potted Soil: They enjoy the flavor.” Thank you, David. [laughter] Thanks, David. My dumbass dog does love to eat soil just because she loves the taste.

LB: “Yellow or Orange Balls in Soil.”

Upload: Barley has done that, though.

John: Oh yeah. A hundred percent.

Upload: Barley one time ate so much fucking dirt, and like we caught her, and we were like, “Ah, she wasn’t eating the dirt for that long.”

John: Right.

Upload: And then 20 minutes later, she threw up everywhere, on account of all the dirt that she ate.

John: All the dirt. Mm-hmm.

Upload: And I laughed at her, ’cause she did it to herself.

LB: “Can You Plant at Night?” I can’t– we can’t keep doing this.

Upload: Wait, can you?

LB: [laughs] “Can you Burn Soil?”

John: “Can you Burn Soil?”

Upload: Can you?

John: I saw that one.

LB: I can’t, we can’t do this anymore. [John laughs] Can you plant– I just need to know. I just need to know a little. I think it’s fine, no?

John: I think it’s fine to burn soil?

LB: No? Why wouldn’t you be able to– no, to plant at night.

John: Oh. Thank God we found that out.

LB: “What do plants do during the night?” Okay, I’m closing it. I’m closing it. I’m closing it.

John: We have some unfinished business for this podcast. This is gonna be the last, second to last episode of this show for a while.

LB: Oh, we should announce– we’re announcing– we haven’t announced that yet. So we’re announcing that now.

John: We’re announcing that now. This is the second last episode of this show, for a while, at least. And we have unfinished business, I feel like, you know?

LB: We do.

John: Like who is gonna take all over the Great British Off? That was a good question from the Discord. My honest assessment is that we’ll be back next June to do a British Off.

LB: Yeah.

John: I don’t know where it will be, but that will still happen, absolutely.

LB: Yeah.

John: Like, you’ll have to–

LB: And it’ll be on this feed, right? Or unless we do it like as a livestream or something.

John: Well, it doesn’t matter. I mean, we’ll, yeah, we’ll put it on this. I could be dead, and it doesn’t matter. We’ll come back to do the British Off.

Upload: It’ll exist.

LB: Yeah.

John: Yeah.

LB: Yeah.

John: So don’t worry about that, everybody. Who gets to take Michael Bublé home with them? is a question that was asked.

Upload: Nobody.

LB: No one. He belongs to ???.

Upload: Yeah.

John: He belongs to Canada.

Upload: No.

LB: No, he belongs to the Grove and Christmastime.

Upload: Yeah.

LB: And Santa Claus.

John: Mm, and Santa Claus.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Yeah. He does belong to Santa, buddy.

Upload: [singing offkey] Santa buddy.

LB: What are we gonna do about the Queen?

Upload: I think we just gotta talk about her for the rest of the episode.

John: I just, yeah.

Upload: In an effort to like stock up on the energy, ’cause like, who did I– I thought I killed somebody last week.

John: You killed Prince Philip. Well, no, you killed Prince Philip before.

Upload: Yeah.

John: We thought you were going to kill…oh, wow, who was it?

LB: Jimmy Carter.

John: Jimmy Carter.

Upload: Jimmy Carter.

John: That’s right.

Upload: He didn’t die, though.

John: He didn’t die.

Upload: So.

LB: Yeah, we don’t want to– I mean, so like, he’s not worth killing.

John: Right.

LB: The way the Queen is, but is the Queen already dead? That’s my question.

Upload: Yeah, Queen dead already. When–

LB: I’m gonna look it up. [typing] Is the Queen dead?

Upload: But okay, but then when are they going to admit that Queen dead?

John: When are they going to admit it? God, that’s a really good question, because we’ve talked about the Queen mum before, and she lived to be over 100, and so they really celebrated that hundredth birthday. How– Queen Elizabeth II.

LB: Um…wait. A man appeared in court Wednesday.

John: Okay.

LB: After allegedly entering Windsor Castle grounds armed with a crossbow, declaring he planned to kill Queen Elizabeth II.

Upload: Oh shit. He got too close.

John: Whoa. Whoa!

Upload: He was about to find the secret. They just arrested him?

John: Wow. So–

Upload: He had a whole-ass crossbow, and all they did was arrest him?

LB: This was on Christmas.

Upload: Oh. That was a long time– well, yeah, that’s when she died the first time. I think she died last year, but then they didn’t want her to die before her big party.

John: Right. Yeah, the big Jubilee.

Upload: Yeah. And now I guess they forgot? Or they’re like too caught up in the lie.

John: Yeah.

LB: It’s double jail.

Upload: Like, like they’ve already– it’s a Weekend at Bernie’s situation, where they’ve like made too many commitments with this dead person [John laughs] and they can’t figure out how to get out of it.

LB: The news articles about Queen Elizabeth II are all insane.

John: Yeah.

LB: A man who was a stunt double for Queen Elizabeth II for the 2012 London Olympics was sentenced on Tuesday to 18 months in prison for pushing his former girlfriend down a staircase, but…

John: Wait.

LB: Which is terrible.

John: Wait, but also…

Upload: Wait.

John: Wait, wait, wait, but also…

LB: Was he the stunt double for…why did she need a stunt double?

John: Stunt double?

Upload: Well, maybe, if I’m remembering correctly, there’s a bit in the video for the opening ceremony where she walks out of the thing with corgis, and I think she might do a cool trick.

John: Mm.

Upload: But it’s like clearly not her body.

John: Mm. Right. So yeah, it’s like a fun little gimmicky kind of thing.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Okay. So the man–

LB: Okay, he parachuted into the stadium doubling as the– like dressed up as the Queen.

John: Mm-hmm.

LB: This man.

Upload: Oh, skydiving.

LB: And he was sentenced to double jail.

Upload: Double jail. Now, what does that mean?

LB: Don’t know.

John: Now, like, I’m not here to make a stink out of this so many years–

LB: Oh, no, double. He’s the double.

John: He’s the double.

LB: He’s the Olympic double.

John: Right, right, right.

Upload: Yeah.

LB: He wasn’t double jailed.

Upload: Oh.

John: Do they not have like aerial stunt women?

LB: I guess not in England.

Upload: I guess not.

LB: ‘Cause you’re not allowed, there.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Wooow. Wow.

LB: This is…okay. We gotta– why haven’t– maybe we need to get on the Royals beat, because every article is insane. Here’s another one: “This is Actually the Queen’s Favorite Child, Claims Royal Author.” [John laughs]

Upload: Wait, who is it?

John: [British accent] Her favorite child is, uh, Scrumplin.

Upload: [British accent] Whoa.

LB: I guess it’s Princess Anne?

John: Wait, who?

LB: I don’t know.

John: Who’s Anne?

LB: You have to read all the way down. Oh, it’s Edward.

John: Oh, Edward.

LB: Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex. That sounds fake.

Upload: Which one’s Edward?

John: It’s Prince Edward, the Earl of Wessex.

LB: A man I have never seen before.

John: I’ve never seen this man.

Upload: I’ve literally never seen this man in my life.

John: I’ve never seen this man. He is 14th in line to the throne.

Upload: He’s close. [John and LB laugh] He’s about as close as the new CEO of that Embracer Group, fucking… [John laughs]

LB: “Queen asked royal chef to eat dead slug found in her dinner.”

John: [laughs] Wait.

Upload: What?

John: What? When was this? Wait, when was this?

Upload: One more time?

John: One more time.

Upload: I just need it again, though, really fast.

John: Yeah, I think I need it again.

LB: “The Queen once asked a royal chef to eat a slug she had found in a salad. But, don’t worry, she was only joking.”

John: Ugh.

Upload: No. That’s– no way.

John: There’s no way.

LB: “Elizabeth II has been on the throne long enough for those around her to understand her often devilish sense of humor, [John: “She absolutely wasn’t joking”] and sluggate is just one of many hilarious stories about her.”

Upload: No way.

John: Oh, it’s really hilarious, yeah.

Upload: That was seven hours ago.

John: Oh, yeah, this happened recently. I saw someone–

LB: No, no, no, no. This happened…this is from a 2003 book.

John: Oh!

Upload: Oh.

John: Wait, why did I see something on it today, though?

Upload: Well, because–

LB: I don’t know, because they’re–

Upload: You know why, because these fucking content farms [John: “Oh,” LB: “Yeah”] are just rehashing old information.

John: Oh.

Upload: If I was the Queen of England, and I got a salad with a slug in it, and I have a chef in my house whose job it is to prepare food for me, [John: “Uh huh”] I would make them eat the slug.

John: [laughs] Why? The slugs could just be on the vegetables or whatever.

Upload: No, no, no. I’m, like, if I was the Queen, [John laughs] there’s no way the Queen of England did not make that man eat the slug.

John: Oh, I agree. I agree with you that the Queen was not joking and did make that happen.

Upload: Yeah.

John: What I’m saying is that if you, Niki, were the Queen of England–

Upload: Oh, if I? No.

John: I don’t think you would make them.

Upload: No, no, no.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Upload: I wouldn’t do that.

John: Right.

Upload: But the Queen of England absolutely did that.

John: Oh, absolutely would. Yes.

Upload: And then she was like, “Tell nobody that I did this.”

John: Right. Yeah. And everyone’s like, [British accent] “What a devilish sense of humor.”

Upload: Yeah.

John: Devilish.

Upload: How many lives do you think she’s taken with her own hands?

John: With her own hands?

LB: None.

John: Mm.

Upload: Zero?

LB: None with her own hands.

Upload: You don’t even think one, just to see?

John: Just to see?

Upload: She has access to so many swords–

LB: Human life?

Upload: Yeah, human life.

LB: None.

Upload: None?

John: Oh, what? Okay, no, but then follow up question: what has she killed?

LB: I don’t think she’s killed anything.

John: Mm.

LB: I wouldn’t even think– I feel like if you’re the Queen and there’s a bug, you’re not getting up to deal with that. You go like, [claps twice] “Kill that bug!”

Upload: She was a child in the thirties, though.

LB: Oh, but she’s probably hunted.

Upload: Yeah, like she absolutely has like shot animal.

LB: So she’s probably killed like hundred foxes. Yeah.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LB: And like pigeons and stuff.

John: Right. Yeah. You think she ever just like killed a pigeon and ate it right there in the field?

Upload: Probably once or twice, yeah.

LB: “Queen Elizabeth Will Not Attend Annual Welcome Event at Balmoral Castle for ‘Reasons of Comfort.’”

John: Because she’s fucking dead.

LB: ‘Cause she’s dead. [laughter]

John: She’s fucking dead, everyone. I think they’re gonna wait until April of 2026, ’cause that’s when she turns 100.

Upload: Turns 100 years.

John: Yeah, and they’re gonna be like, “She made it to 100.”

Upload: So they’re gonna this up for four years? She made it to 100 and died immediately.

John: Yeah. Yep.

Upload: And it’s not weird at all. [laughs]

John: Yeah, it’s not weird at all. She said, “Bring me more of those slugs I was laughing about so!” and then she passes out.

LB: She missed the church service held in her honor at the Platinum Jubilee.

John: Right.

Upload: Yeah, ’cause– yeah, how– but like, okay, but here’s the thing. How did they not just get us a body double for that?

John: Well, they got the hologram for something, right?

LB: They got the hologram. Yeah.

John: There was a hologram in a carriage for one of those events.

Upload: Which is what you do when a person’s definitely alive.

John: [laughs] Which is what you’ve done when someone’s…yeah, it’s like, that’s what– they gave her the Tupac treatment.

Upload: Yeah. They did it to Harry Caray not one week ago.

John: Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Upload: That one was grim.

John: Yeah. Very grim.

Upload: They should’ve just gotten Will Ferrell. That’s the first time anybody’s ever said that.

John: [laughs] Yeah. But it would’ve been fine if it had just been Will Ferrell.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Yeah.

LB: Okay, I’m also getting an ad for just one of those [laughs] “You can do anything you want in this game” games with a sexy elf.

Upload: Whoa, what can you do, though?

LB: I don’t know.

Upload: Anything?

LB: I’m not gonna click it, ’cause I’m on the work PC. [John laughs]

Upload: Oh.

LB: I don’t wanna compromise it and get in trouble, but…can you hang out with the Queen of England? [laughs] No, ’cause she’s dead.

Upload: Well, it said anything.

John: You could– yeah.

LB: Okay. She held virtual meetings from Windsor Castle.

John: Okay. Like on Zoom?

LB: Yes.

John: God, can you imagine sitting the Queen in front of the computer and just say, “Hey, figure out Zoom.” [laughter]

John: I would love to watch that.

LB: Sending you a picture.

John: I would love that.

LB: [laughs quietly] You still have to get dressed up and go to a special room.

John: Oh my God.

Upload: That sucks.

John: That sucks.

Upload: Why is that table so small?

LB: [laughs quietly] I don’t know.

John: God, it is a lady that is dressed to the fucking nines with a hat, and she’s holding–

Upload: And then there’s a table, but she can’t be taller than like 5’4”.

John: No, she’s very short.

Upload: But then there’s a table that comes up just to above her knees.

John: Yeah, but she’s also wearing heels, so that must be an unbelievably short table.

Upload: What is– why is the table so short?

John: I don’t know, but the Queen is on a large Mac.

LB: iMac, it looks like.

John: iMac. [laughs]

LB: Not a new one.

John: Not a new one.

Upload: Yeah.

LB: A rather old one.

John: Crucially, it’s about eight years old at least, I would say. God, that’s funny. Weird that, you know, how do you think they got that to work? I mean, ’cause she’s definitely dead.

LB: Hologram.

John: Hologram?

Upload: Hologram.

John: All right.

LB: Deepfake.

Upload: I mean, yeah. Deepfake, old video.

John: Old video, sure.

LB: I mean, it’s not like she says different shit every time she meets somebody.

John: That’s true. Actually, that’s a really good point. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life seen Queen Elizabeth II like conjure a thought and express it. Like, I think I’ve only seen her give like, you know, a scripted address.

Upload: Mm-hmm.

John: I doubt she knows how to converse. Well, she definitely doesn’t now, ’cause she’s dead.

Upload: Well, yeah, ’cause she’s dead.

John: Yeah.

Upload: Well.

LB: Well.

John: Well.

Upload: Rest in peace to her.

John: I mean, I guess.

Upload: I think she did a lot of great stuff. [laughter]

LB: Name one thing she did.

John: Name one. Name one thing she did.

LB: Good or bad.

Upload: Name one thing that she did?

John: Yeah, just name one thing that she did.

LB: Yeah. At all. And don’t ask me to do the same thing, or at least give me like five minutes before you ask me.

Upload: What has she done?

John: Yeah.

LB: I don’t know!

John: No.

Upload: Oh, she knighted Sir Lewis Hamilton. That’s a thing that she’s done.

LB: That’s true.

John: Okay.

LB: That was good.

John: Yep. She did that, and that was…

Upload: That’s the one good thing she’s ever done.

John: That was basically the one good thing.

LB: And now, a word from our sponsors.


LB: You know what I love? RPGs. It’s the best kind of game there is.

Upload: That’s not true.

LB: It is true. It’s objectively true.

John: I mean, I think it’s true.

LB: I think it’s true. Anyways, two out of three, we voted RPGs best kind of game. But if I want to talk to more like-minded people, not like Niki, [Upload laughs] but more people who want to talk about RPGs. Oh, gosh, where could I only…where could I like experience a conversation just among just the greatest minds talking about the greatest kind of game?

John: I mean, I…

LB: Joh– John? [laughs] Joh? Do you have any recommendations?

Upload: Joh?

John: I’m Joh the Wizard, and I’m here to tell you about, yeah, 99 Potions. It’s a really good podcast, airs every Thursday over on Fanbyte network. We have kind of a big rotating cast. We got Imran. We got Nerium. We got Michael Higham on the sticks at some point. We got me, some weeks. It’s really good. Natalie Flores is coming back soon. It’s amazing. It’s really good. We talk about RPGs a lot. We also stretch the definition of that genre, but mostly we just talk about roleplaying games and how amazing they are. So you should listen to it. And Niki, you know, maybe you should listen to it, so you can finally learn about the best genre of video game on the planet.

Upload: Fine. I’ll start listening to it on my favorite podcatcher today.

[music ends]

LB: And we’re back. What were you about to ask, John?

John: Do you think she knows about anybody she’s about to knight before she lays eyes on them?

Upload: It depends.

LB: Maybe.

Upload: Okay, well, now we have to look at a list of people she knights. [typing] List of…

LB: [sighs] I feel like somebody just whispers in her ear before she does it.

John: Right.

LB: Like before Lewis Hamilton, they go like, “Vroom vroom!” [John laughs] “So fast!”

Upload: Okay.

LB: No?

John: Your Highness, this is vroom vroom.


LB: This is Lewis Hamilton. He’s vroom vroom, beep beep, very fast.

John: You remember, vroom vroom? Beep beep?

LB: So fast.

Upload: Being knighted is not really a fucking accomplishment, you know? There’s so many fucking people on this list.

LB: Well, what is…I mean, okay, in Lewis Hamilton’s case, if somebody calls him Mr. Hamilton, he can correct them and say “Sir.”

John: He can correct them and say Sir.

LB: [laughs] Which he has done.

Upload: Angelina Jo…wait, what?

LB: What?

John: What?

LB: Angelina Jolie’s a knight?

Upload: Is a knight.

John: Really?

Upload: And so is Michael Bloomberg and Melinda Gates.

John: No way. Michael Bloomberg? Wow, they really do let–

Upload: He’s a knight.

John: They let anyone in, I guess.

Upload: They just let anybody in.

LB: Yeah, we knights.

Upload: I didn’t know you could be not British and be a knight.

John: I also didn’t know that. I assumed you had to be British to be a Knight.

LB: I thought you had to be British, yeah. Like Elton John.

John: Yeah.

LB: He’s British.

John: Yes.

LB: He’s like the only celebrity knight before Lewis Hamilton I knew about.

John: Right.

LB: ‘Cause they’d always be like, “It’s Sir Elton John. But it was also like–

Upload: Lewis Hamilton’s not even on this list.

John: [singing] Candle in the wind.

LB: What?

John: Huh?

Upload: Lewis Hamilton’s not even on this fucking list on Wikipedia.

LB: So it’s not even a real list. That’s racist, probably.

Upload: [typing] Patrick Stewart.

LB: Oh yeah, Patrick Stewart is a knight.

Upload: Patrick Stewart’s not on the list either.

John: Mm.

LB: What? These are all the important ones.

John: Yeah, these are important ones. Let’s see. [typing] Lewis Hamilton.

LB: Was there tension, you think, when Elton John got knighted? ‘Cause he was like besties with Princess Diana?

Upload: Yeah, probably.

John: Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Upload: She was like, what if I just like accidentally like stabbed him like right through the collarbone, you know? Like when he’s down there, and she’s like, “Ah! Oh no!”

LB: I feel like Elton John could have taken her, though.

Upload: Oh, absolutely.

John: Yeah.

LB: He had so much stamina from all those piano concerts.

Upload: Mm-hmm. And from going to space that one time. [John laughs]

LB: And carrying all that like heavy feather stuff on his shoulders and head.

John: God.

LB: Sunglasses? I don’t remember. I don’t know his…that well.

John: I’m the same age as Lewis Hamilton.

LB: [laughs] I thought you were gonna say you were the same age as Elton John.

Upload: Yeah, as Elton John, and I was gonna say, wow. [John laughs]

LB: Oh, are you upset about being the same age as Lewis Hamilton, John?

John: Yeah, I am. Yes, I am.

LB: How come?

John: Because I don’t look as good or am as successful, you know?

Upload: Well, that’s not true.

LB: Well, to be fair, most people aren’t as successful.

John: Wait, hold on, Niki.

LB: Wait. [laughs] Wait.

John: No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Stop. You just said that…

LB: Yeah, let’s go back. [laughs]

John: Yeah, what part?

LB: What?

John: What part of that isn’t true? [laughs]

Upload: Um…

John: Yeah, what part?

Upload: You have– uh…

John: What do I have going for me?

Upload: [thinking noise, John laughs] You think he owns a house?

John: Yeah, I think he owns several would be my guess.

Upload: Oh, okay.

LB: He does, which we’ve talked about. It’s in our text history.

John: Uh huh.

Upload: Yeah, okay. Well, I got nothing.

John: He’s not…

Upload: Yeah, he’s not married to Anne.

John: He’s not married to Anne.

LB: Oh, yeah, he doesn’t have a wife.

John: You know what? Good point.

Upload: Yeah, he’s wifeless.

LB: That’s a very point.

Upload: He’s maidenless.

LB: Yeah, he’s a lonely man.

John: He’s– you know what? Y’all are– I’ll tell you what: he’s not lonely, I’ll tell you that. He’s not lonely.

Upload: But he is maidenless.

John: He is maidenless. All right, fair enough.

LB: Sounds like somebody hasn’t seen his many Instagram stories about how much he missed Nicole Scherzinger after they broke up.

John: Oh, yeah.

LB: He was so lonely.

John: Yeah. That was like…

LB: Maybe he’s still lonely. I don’t know.

John: They were together for like eight years or something, right?

LB: On and off, yeah, I think.

John: Damn.

LB: Now he just hangs out with like his trainer lady and his many friends.

John: Okay. Well, that’s true. Okay.

LB: And his beautiful dog.

John: Okay, then I’ve got that on Lewis. All right, you know what? You’re right.

LB: He used to have two dogs, but now he only has one, and you have two.

Upload: What happ–

John: You’re right.

Upload: You still have two

John: That’s true. All right, you’re right. I’m doing better than Lewis Hamilton. You heard it here, folks.

LB: Well…

John: No, no.

LB: I don’t–

John: I’m doing better than Lewis Hamilton. Thank you.

LB: Okay. More successful. [laughs quietly]

John: Thank you.

LB: I mean, let’s think–

Upload: More successful.

LB: What’s the, like, our industry version of winning the, you know?

Upload: World Championship seven times?

LB: Yeah.

John: Keeping your job longer than four years.

Upload: Yeah. [John laughs]

LB: Okay, so seven times four. So you have to keep it for 28 years?

John: Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

Upload: Damn.

John: That’s a long time.

Upload: It’s a long time.

John: You know what? I’ll tell you this now. I’m not gonna–

Upload: I mean, Gerstmann is close, though.

John: Well, Gerstmann’s…oh, Gerstmann’s got it.

LB: Well, Gerstmann, I think, one could argue is the Lewis Hamilton of our industry. [laughs]

Upload: Is the Lewis Hamilton of…

John: Wow, Jeff Gerstmann [Upload: “Wow”] is the Lewis Hamilton of the games industry.

LB: Well, no, he’s not, because he didn’t like…because demographically, he’s not different than…

Upload: Right, than all of it.

LB: He’s just like really good at stuff, but like, [John: “Right”] he didn’t break any…he didn’t, you know, shatter any glass ceilings.

Upload: So he’s the Michael Schumacher.

LB: He’s the Michael Schumacher! [laughter]

John: Oh, okay. That’s better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughter]

LB: That’s, yes, exactly.

Upload: God.

John: That’s accurate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LB: Or you can even go back further and say he’s like the Jackie Stewart of our industry.

John: Mm.

LB: ‘Cause like…

Upload: Yeah.

John: The Jackie Stewart.

LB: Yeah.

John: Now, what did Jackie do?

LB: He didn’t die. [LB and John laugh]

Upload: He didn’t die.

LB: But that was a huge deal in those days. Like, Motorsports were so fucking dangerous.

John: Yeah.

Upload: I…

LB: That just like continuing to race and not dying was a huge accomplishment.

John: Mm-hmm. Pretty big.

LB: He also won a lot, but like, not dying was a much bigger deal. [laughs]

Upload: If I was Michael Schumacher, though, I would be so fucking pissed that I didn’t die in a race and instead I died ’cause I hit my head on a rock. I’d be so mad. [John laughs]

LB: Well, Michael Schumacher, first of all, isn’t dead.

Upload: No, no, like when he dies. Like, I would be so mad that he didn’t like die instantly in a car crash, ’cause like that’s what he was known for.

LB: Right.

Upload: Then someone’s like, “Oh, he definitely died doing something cool, right?” And it’s like, no.

John: No.

LB: Yes.

Upload: Skiing.

LB: Yeah. Skiing in a cool way.

Upload: Well, it wasn’t really that cool, was it? ’cause he didn’t…he didn’t finish skiing.

LB: I’m sure it was extremely cool.

John: He didn’t finish skiing. [laughter] He started and didn’t finish.

LB: He wasn’t like Sonny Bono, just hitting a tree like a fucking nerd. [John and Upload laugh] You know he was going fast as shit.

Upload: He probably– [laughs]

LB: Looking cool. I bet he had like a statement piece on in the skiing outfit, like we don’t know because it was a tragedy, but like I bet he looked slick [John laughs] and weird and European.

Upload: So, do you think he was– wait, do you think he had like a fire suit on over his, like, his snow stuff? ‘Cause like, do you think [LB: “No”] he only wore fire suits?

John: No.

LB: No, because he wore so many things that weren’t fire suits, like leather pants and fur coats and statement necklaces. He sold his own line of shark tooth necklaces, Niki. This is the man. This man was a fashion legend.

Upload: Mm.

LB: [laughing] Much like Jeff Gerstmann!

John: Much like Jeff Gerstmann.

Upload: Much like Jeff Gerstmann.

LB: Jeff Gerstmann should start wearing a shark tooth necklace. [laughter] If Jeff Gerstmann came out with his line of shark tooth necklaces, I would buy one so fucking fast.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Oh my God.

Upload: We gotta take this idea to him.

John: Yeah, we gotta take this idea.

LB: Jefflaces. That’s what he could call them. [laughs]

Upload: Who is Sonny Bono? [John laughs]

LB: From Sonny and Cher?

John: From Sonny and Cher.

LB: Have you heard of them?

John: You know?

Upload: Sonny and Cher.

John: Yeah, so did you–

LB: You know Cher.

John: Did you just know about the Cher?

Upload: I know Cher.

John: Okay.

LB: Did you ever see Cher on an episode of Scooby Doo and she was with this little shitty man?

Upload: Mm…no.

LB: Okay. Well, she used to be on it sometimes. She used to sometimes be on Scooby Doo with this little shitty man she was married to.

Upload: He was mayor?

John: Yeah.

LB: Yeah, he was the mayor of something.

Upload: And a representative?

LB: He was a shitty little Republican man. He sucked.

John: Yeah.

LB: He was not a good husband, and he was a creepy little guy, and no one misses him.

Upload: Wow, the last thing he did was extend the term of copyright by another 20 years.

John: Uh huh.

LB: Yeah, he fucking sucked.

John: Yep.

Upload: [laughs quietly] Wow. The Mickey–

LB: He worked with–

Upload: They named the Mickey Mouse Protection Act after him.

John: Yeah. Yeah.

LB: Because he was a little–

John: He did some bad stuff.

LB: Yeah, he just sucked. Like, he wasn’t–

John: He was also the godparent of Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Upload: What?

LB: Damn.

John: Yeah. So, Sonny Bono–

LB: I didn’t know that.

Upload: Is he related to U2 Bono?

LB: No.

John: Sonny Bono might have taught Anthony Kiedis how to rapa dapa depa dapa dipa dapa doo.

Upload: Whoa.

LB: I don’t think he did.

Upload: But not related to U2 Bono.

LB: No.

John: No, no, no, no. [laughs]

LB: Or the Formula One Bono.

John: Yeah.

Upload: Remember when they put that album on our phones?

John: I do.

LB: [laughs] Yes, I do.

John: I do remember.

LB: I think it’s still on mine, ’cause I don’t know how to take it off.

Upload: I legitimately think they should do that again. That was like an insane thing to do, at the time.

John: That was so funny. It was so funny. Yeah. [LB laughs]

Upload: But like, if they did it again– like, there are people who don’t remember that. If if they gave us the same album again– Jordan, your mind is so fucking huge.

John: Yep. [LB laughs]

Upload: If they dropped the same album again on everybody’s phones and were like, “Oh, we found this U2 album. Y’all heard of this?” [John laughs]

LB: It’s still here. It’s still on mine. It’s still in my fucking iTunes library. [laughter]

John: They should absolutely just rerelease it.

LB: Songs of Innocence, 2014. I can’t remove it.

John: Yeah.

Upload: That was 2014?

John: No way. No way.

LB: Oh, I can delete it from library. Should I delete it from my library or keep it?

Upload: Yes. Well, no, you might be able to sell it later, so you should keep it.

LB: [laughing] What do you mean? How would I sell it?

Upload: I don’t know. That’s what an NFT is, right? I think that’s what that is.

LB: I’m gonna say, “Suggest less likely this.” I don’t want more like this. [Upload laughs] Okay, it’s still there. I don’t really use Apple Music, iTunes store.

Upload: Okay.

John: God, that was only in 2014.

LB: Mm-hmm.

Upload: That’s nuts.

John: That felt like it was a decade ago, at least.

Upload: That, to me, felt like 80 years ago.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LB: Because they also did it with an iPod, with the U2 edition iPod in like 2005?

John: Yeah. It was like the red– no…

Upload: That was the black and red.

LB: It was the black and red one.

John: Yeah, that was the red one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LB: Which was so painful, of course, for anyone at the time, ’cause it was like so cool looking, but it had U2 on it.

John: But it had U2 on it.

LB: So you couldn’t get it.

John: Yeah. Yeah. No, they would even–

Upload: But that’s fine.

LB: No, no, no, no, no.

John: No, no, no. It was like–

LB: Anyone who saw you with that would’ve mocked you mercilessly, like, “Oh, you got the U2 iPod? Okay.” [laughter]

John: Yeah, no, like, ‘cause wasn’t it also like…‘cause some of the stuff went to AIDS research or something like that? But it’s like, they made that so uncool, because it was U2.

LB: Yeah.

Upload: Wow. Apple made AIDS uncool. Unbelievable.

John: Unbelievable.

Upload: I want an iPod. They should make the iPod again.

John: Product Red. That was a little bit different. Okay, never mind. I was thinking of…

Upload: That’s what my Theragun is.

John: What?

Upload: My Theragun is Project Red.

John: It’s Project–

Upload: Product. Product Red, sorry.

LB: But you got it from–

John: [laughs] Product Red. CD Projekt Red.

LB: But you got it from Costco.

Upload: Yeah, but–

LB: Do you think big Product Red got any of the money?

Upload: Uh, probably not.

John: Probably not.

Upload: Also, I feel like this is like not a real charity.

John: Yeah, it may not be.

Upload: I feel like Product Red is like Susan G. Komen situation.

John: Is it like a Susan G. Komen? Yeah, it might be.

Upload: Yeah, where it’s like mostly just branding.

John: Yeah, it might be. That might true.

LB: Mm.

Upload: To make stuff red.

John: That might be true.

Upload: Would you– Apple, tomorrow, releases an iPod, and it’s just the iPod classic.

John: Yeah?

Upload: From the old one.

John: Uh huh.

Upload: Do you buy it?

John: Uh…

Upload: It’s like…uh, it’s $250.

John: How much space is on it?

Upload: A terabyte.

John: Uh…no.

Upload: LB?

LB: I would need to look up how to put music on it, but yeah, I might.

Upload: I also think I might do it.

John: Hmm.

Upload: I would like not be happy with it, but I do miss the times where like I had a thing for one thing, you know?

John: Right.

LB: Yeah. Like a Switch.

Upload: Yeah.

LB: Which is for games.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Is it?

LB: But for– yeah, I only play video games.

Upload: I mean, you could watch Netflix on it, I guess.

John: I’ve watched Hulu on it before.

Upload: Okay, you’re sick.

LB: That’s weird.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Why is that– what?

Upload: Jordan said no.

John: Why are you judging me?

LB: [laughs] Because it’s fun.

Upload: Because, what, you’re holding the fucking–

John: Rude.

Upload: No, you’re holding the fucking Switch by the joycon and watching fucking No Murders in the Building or whatever that fucking show is called. [John laughs] Like, that’s crazy.

John: Okay, now, let’s…

LB: Only Murders in the Building.

Upload: Oh, oh, Only Murders in the Building. I thought it was No Murders in the Building. [LB laughs]

John: Yeah, no, it’s like…

LB: This is the funniest time you’ve called one of us white since the milk thing. [Upload laughs]

John: It’s really, really funny. [LB laughs] It’s really good.

LB: Jordo says, “My parents say that show is really good.” [John and LB laugh] That’s what that show is made for.

Upload: Cara Delevingne is in this show?

LB: I feel like I’m gonna say that and watch it like the next time I have to spend a really long time period of time with my parents.

John: Yeah.

Upload: Yeah, that’s fair.

LB: And we’re gonna like binge watch it.

Upload: Or you’re like on like a long layover or something.

LB: I don’t schedule things with long layovers.

John: Yeah, What We Do in the Shadows is on Hulu. That’s a really good point. That’s a great show.

LB: Yeah, What We Do in the Shadows is great.

Upload: It’s an FX show, though.

LB: Yeah, that’s true, as is Reservation Dogs, which is on Hulu, and it’s so fucking good.

John: Yeah.

John: Y’all watch that show?

Upload: No, because no one that I respected said that it was good yet, so now I will put it on my list.

LB: It’s so good, Niki! I’ve been saying it’s good.

John: [laughs] Wait no one you respected said it was good? I’ve seen a lot of people say it was good.

Upload: Well, no, my Twitter feed is so trimmed right now [John: “Mm”] that most people don’t have takes on my feed anymore about popular media.

LB: Mm.

John: Or none of your friends will watch anything with Indigenous talent in it.

Upload: Yeah, that’s also possible, but I didn’t–

John: You ever think about that?

Upload: No one I respected– yeah. [John laughs] No one I respect said that it was good, so…but now someone I respect said it was good.

LB: It’s really good

John: I’ve heard it’s great. The only reason I haven’t watched it is ’cause like, I missed the first season, and I was like, “Okay, well, I’ll catch up with it.” And now that I think the second season is going on now, I think?

LB: Uh huh. Yeah, it is.

John: And I’m like, well, now I have to wait until that’s over.

Upload: Mm.

John: Which is not really true.

LB: No, you don’t.

John: Yeah, it’s not really true. It’s a weird thing.

LB: Because it’s the perfect balance of being funny and fun and kind of heavy that you can’t get through it too fast.

John: I like that. That’s a good combo. I like that.

LB: Yeah.

John: All right. I’ll watch it.

Upload: Can we take a brief moment?

John: Yeah.

LB: To look at your tweet? Yeah.

Upload: To talk about this video.

John: Oh, okay. Sure. What’s going on in this video?

Upload: Jordan, you can put the audio in here. There’s a slide at a baseball stadium in Milwaukee, right, at Miller stad– Miller field. Miller stadium. No one’s quite sure. [laughter]

John: Okay, wait. [laughter continues]

Upload: So, there’s a slide in this baseball stadium. Whenever there’s a home run, the mascot goes down this slide.

John: Uh huh.

Upload: The sideline reporter for the Los Angeles Dodgers, who played in Milwaukee yesterday, was like, “I really want to go down this slide.” He’d been in the stadium a bunch, had never been down the slide. They finally let him go down this slide. He gets to the top of the slide. He sits on the thing, and he just starts yelling, “Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap.”

John: “Holy crap, holy crap.”

Upload: As he goes down this slide. He then flies off of the end of this slide and slams his arm, breaking it instantly on the wall.

LB: Wait, he broke it?

Upload: Yes. And then, he worked the game. [John laughs] After the game, he does a postgame interview with the catcher of the baseball team, while his arm is wrapped in a cast.

John: I also want to say that the commentators, after watching this, were like, “He’s fine.” [laughter] And I’m like, no, he’s not. Look at the video again. He’s like in an immense amount of pain.

Upload: The amount of restraint on the part of the two men at the beginning of the video. I would not have been able to even intro it.

John: Uh-uh, no, no way.

Upload: Just entirely unable to intro it.

John: No way.

Upload: It is…this is legitimately one of the funniest things I’ve seen in my life

John:. I missed this when you posted the other night. Oh my God.

Upload: [laughs] It’s really funny.

LB: It’s very good.

Upload: Just broke his arm.

John: Just broke his arm.

LB: Can we not put the “Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap” in, Jordo?

John: Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap.

Upload: It’s like, who isn’t saying “Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap”? Well, the part where he’s saying “Holy crap” and going down the slide is probably like…

John: Probably seven seconds.

Upload: Seven seconds.

LB: If that.

John: If that.

Upload: That’s fair use, baby.

John: That’s fair use, baby.

LB: Yes!

John: Thank you.

[“Holy crap! Holy crap. Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap! Aah!”]

John: God. That is really good. I can’t believe he broke his arm.

Upload: Would you go down this slide?

John: No. Well…

LB: No. I would never go down any slide.

John: You never go down any– well…

LB: Not now.

Upload: Any slide?

LB: Too old.

Upload: Too old.

LB: My body’s not…

John: I think– I also agree, too old. I’m too old.

Upload: You wouldn’t even go down–

LB: I’m not too old. I’m too large. They don’t build slide for me.

Upload: Mm.

LB: I’m like a beast of a human being.

Upload: Mm.

LB: They aren’t making slides to accommodate my girth or heft.

Upload: No, water slide big.

LB: Water slide disgusting, though.

John: Water slide is disgusting.

Upload: But big. What if make it–

LB: Okay. The only slides big enough for me are disgusting.

John: What if make it dry?

John: Yeah.

LB: Then it’s not gonna operate.

Upload: Well, no, I mean, lube it up and gravity, it’ll go down. [John laughs]

LB: I don’t– that sounds too scary. I don’t want to.

Upload: Would you go– hypothetically speaking, would you go down the slide that is like on the outside of US Bank Tower in LA?

John: Oh.

Upload: Like you go to the top and you–

LB: No!

Upload: [laughs] You go to the top of the building and then it– you would not do that.

John: I don’t think so.

Upload: And it like hangs off over the edge.

John: No, I don’t think I would do that.

Upload: And then it’s a slide, and it goes down like three or four levels of the building.

John: No. Nah, I’m good.

Upload: You would not do this.

John: Nah, I’m good. I don’t need to do that. [Upload laughs] Who am I trying to–? What am I trying to prove to anybody?

LB: Yeah, why would I do that?

Upload: That you’re cooler than Lewis Hamilton.

John: Nah, I’m good.

Upload: Lewis Hamilton’s never done that before, so if you did that, you would absolutely–

LB: He would.

John: I think Lewis Hamilton would absolutely do it, if given the chance.

LB: Yeah. He’s gonna do it his next, when he has like–

Upload: But he has not.

LB: He will. [John laughs] He has a place in LA.

John: He will.

LB: He’ll do it. Just have to pay him enough to do it, and then he’ll do it.

John: Yeah.

Upload: Do you think if I just–

LB: He loves doing shit like this.

Upload: Are his DMS open?

LB: On Instagram, they are.

Upload: On Instagram?

John: On Instagram, they are? Ooh.

Upload: [typing] Lewis…

LB: I know, because I reply to all his stories [laughs] and say, “Great!”

John: [laughs] Good job, Lewis!

Upload: Lewis Hamilton. Oh, they are open. He’s not following anybody.

John: Mm.

Upload: What a hero.

John: What a hero. What’s that like, Lewis?

Upload: Oh, he’s in Africa.

LB: Mm-hmm. He’s having an amazing time.

John: Good for him.

Upload: Good for him.

John: Good for him. You know what? Good for us for being…

Upload: He’s doing a dance.

John: You know.

Upload: He’s petting a giraffe.

John: That’s…I’ve never pet a giraffe before.

Upload: Well.

LB: There’s a video of him meeting some kids who I’m pretty sure have no idea who he is. [laughs]

Upload: No fucking clue who he is.

John: No idea.

LB: [laughs] But he’s kind of acting like it’s kind of…I mean, it’s like, he’s met so many kids who know who he is that maybe it’s his default. I don’t know. But it’s very funny to see him being like, “Hey, come on, kids,” like British style, you know? And they’re just like, [laughs] “We’re little children.”

Upload: And they’re like, “Who the fuck are you?”

LB: “Who’s this man? He’s so fancy.”

John: [like a tiny British child] “Who the fuck are you? Who are you?” Jordan asked me if I’ve ever been to Schlitterbahn. I haven’t. Niki, did you ever go to Schlitterbahn?

Upload: No. I can’t swim.

John: Mm.

LB: You could wear floaties.

John: You could.

Upload: No. I mean, I could, I guess.

LB: Also, isn’t Schlitterbahn like far from anywhere you’ve lived?

John: You’ve been–

Upload: I think they’re only in Tejas, right?

John: You’ve been to Austin, though, before.

LB: Yeah, but if you’re in Austin, you’re not…

Upload: Yeah, but I have not been to the Schlit.

LB: The Schlit. [laughter]

John: No, LB, people will go to Austin to go to Schlitterbahn.

LB: Is it that fun?

John: No.

Upload: No.

John: It’s a fucking water park. I don’t like water parks.

Upload: Also, Jordan is reminding us of the time that someone did go to it and then the kid got their head cut off.

John: Yeah, they did. [laughs]

Upload: So they had to close it.

John: That did happen. It wasn’t in Texas.

LB: That’s not the one in Texas.

John: Yeah.

Upload: That one’s still open.

John: Yeah.

Upload: ‘Cause that would never happen at the one in Texas. [laughs]

John: Yep. You go to Schlitterbahn, your head might be Schlitter gone, you know?

LB: Jordo really wants to tell us a joke.

John: Oh, okay.

LB: In text form for us to read.

John: All right. [clears throat]

LB: Which is: why are giraffes’ necks so long?

John: Okay.

LB: Hey, Jordo, why are–

John: Why are giraffes’ necks so long? Because their feet stink.

LB: Did you read that off of a Popsicle stick? [John laughs]

Upload: Huh.

John: We got a real Bazooka Joe in our midst.

LB: [laughs] Like, you could– if you made this up, then you have a future writing jokes for…

John: [laughs] Have you ever written jokes for those little popper things that you like explode on Christmas?

Upload: They have jokes on poppers now?

John: [laughs] No, not those kind of poppers.

LB: [laughs] That’d be amazing.

John: No.

LB: Like, oh yeah, no, if you open the Rush bottle, check the cap. It’s got a little joke inside.

John: [laughs] God, that’d be so– that’d be amazing. Oh my God.

LB: Jordo says he heard it on the internet, and I have a question for you both.

Upload: [quietly, as if typing] Gamer poppers. Yeah?

LB: Okay.

John: Yeah, what?

LB: Do you remember jokes?

Upload: Yeah.

John: Yeah, I remember jokes.

Upload: Like from before bits?

LB: Yeah, like a joke where it would be like, here’s a story about a thing that happened that is made up, and then at the end, there’s a funny sentence.

John: Oh.

Upload: Yes.

John: Yeah, like Jay Leno kind of style thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LB: Not even that.

John: Okay.

LB: Like…

Upload: No, like setup, punchline, and that’s it.

LB: Yeah, like…

John: Right.

Upload: There’s like no fucking around.

LB: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

John: Oh!

Upload: Yeah.

John: Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course, a joke.

LB: And this thing happens.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LB: What happened to those?

Upload: Oh, a joke.

John: What happened to those? I don’t know.

LB: Do people still tell those?

John: No, I don’t think so.

Upload: I think kids probably still tell them.

LB: No, no way! They do like, hey–

John: Wait, you don’t think kids tell jokes anymore?

LB: Not like that one. Not like a story joke. They’ll do like a funny question answer joke.

John: Oh, okay.

LB: Like Jordo’s one. Why are giraffes’ necks so long? ‘Cause their feet stink.

John: Mm.

Upload: Yeah, but I think that’s joke.

LB: I mean story joke.

John: Mm.

LB: Does anyone still tell made up story joke?

Upload: Mm, I don’t think so.

John: I don’t think so.

LB: I don’t think they do.

John: Yeah. I don’t think they do.

LB: I think it’s dead, but maybe, do old people still tell them? Do like business men still tell them? ‘Cause I remember my grandpa being like, “The reason why I’m a successful in business is ’cause I tell a good joke.” John, you went to business school. [laughs] Do they cover this?

LB: Yeah.

John: That was not the currency in business school in 2009 to 2011. That wasn’t part of it, no. No.

LB: Okay.

John: No.

LB: Okay.

John: No, we never…no, mm-mm. No. Yeah, we didn’t get that. We didn’t get the, like, “Take your clients out for drinks or go to the strip club!” Like, we didn’t get that either, but that was like a part of business at some point.

LB: It was.

John: Yeah.

LB: It was.

John: Yeah. I can’t imagine that now, but…

LB: I cannot imagine that.

John: No.

LB: My dad’s told me about having to go to strip clubs a few times.

John: That’s wild.

LB: He hated it so much. He hated it so much.

John: I do not understand the idea of taking someone that you want to give you money and that…

LB: Imagine taking your, like, someone helps you write a contract.

John: Right.

LB: And you say, “Hey, let’s hit the strip club!” [laughs]

John: Hey. I couldn’t fucking fathom it. No way.

LB: He started working with– he hated it so much that he had an opportunity to switch to a bunch of Mormon clients who were actively like praying for baptizing his entire dead family—’cause they’re really into baptizing dead Jews—and he said that was preferable to having to go to strip clubs.

John: [laughs] Oh my God.

Upload: Wow.

John: Well, I don’t…I don’t know if I would go that far, but maybe I would.

LB: I think he had to go to a lot of Orange County strip clubs with Orange County businessmen?

John: Okay. I mean, that does color it a little bit.

LB: In like 1997.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh yeah. Yeah, that seems rough.

LB: Which sounds terrible.

John: That seems bad. Yeah, that seems bad.

LB: On like a Thursday afternoon.

John: Yeah, I just don’t get it. I don’t get it. Yeah, I don’t get it. But so that’s dead. The joke’s dead. The day drinking, I think, is dead. You know?

LB: No.

Upload: Day drinking is not dead.

LB: Dead drinking is not dead.

John: Employer-based day drinking?

LB: Not dead.

John: Well, I guess it’s not.

Upload: Literally not dead.

John: It’s not dead.

LB: Definitely not dead.

John: Yeah, no, no, no, I know.

Upload: Our company literally did that.

John: Yeah.

Upload: Recently.

LB: But that was at a retreat or something. One of my old jobs, I went for a performance review where we got drunk.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LB: At lunch.

John: No, that’s true.

Upload: Oh.

John: I just haven’t personally experienced it, but you’re right. I’m remembering stories now.

LB: Yeah. And my performance review wasn’t even good.

John: Yeah.

LB: I was doing a bad job, but it was fine.

John: Right. But it was fine.

LB: ‘Cause we were just drinking at a Chinese restaurant on Santa Monica Boulevard.

John: Wow. Huh.

Upload: Damn. That’s the life, huh?

John: Wow.

LB: Yeah.

John: Performance reviews at a Chinese restaurant. I should start doing that.

LB: It was–

Upload: I love Harry Styles songs.

LB: I mean, she was the worst best boss.

John: [laughs] Stupid.

LB: [laughs] Is that a Harry Styles song?

Upload: Yeah. [laughter]

LB: I’ve never…I don’t know if I’ve heard any of his tunes.

Upload: He has the song– I’m gonna tell you what the exact name of the song is. Harry Styles…

LB: I know “Watermelon Sugar”.

John: [singing] Watermelon sugar. Aah!

LB: It goes, “Watermelon sugar. Aah!”

John: Watermelon sugar. Aah!

Upload: The song is called “Music for a Sushi Restaurant”.

John: Hmm.

LB: That’s annoying.

John: That is annoying.

Upload: Yeah. But it isn’t even good music for sushi music. So annoying music.

LB: He’s so annoying. He just is so annoying. He looks annoying. He’s aging so badly. [John laughs]

Upload: He is.

LB: And I knew he was going to. I knew he was going to age badly when he was like 25. I’m like, he’s gonna age badly.

Upload: Now, how old do you think he is?

John: [laughing] Yeah, that’s a really good point, Niki! Thanks for asking that. That’s a really good… [quiet laughter]

LB: I think he’s like 29.

Upload: John?

John: I think Harry styles is like… [laughs quietly] I think Harry styles is like maybe still like 26 for 27.

Upload: Jordan says 14.

LB: I think he’s like 29 or 30.

Upload: The correct answer is 28.

John: Okay.

LB: No! [John laughs]

Upload: Yeah. 28.

LB: I was really close, though, with 29.

Upload: Yeah.

John: That’s funny. “I knew he was gonna age bad at 25,” like it was eons ago.

LB: Okay, then it wasn’t at 25. He was even younger. I guess he was like 20. [John laughs] When did I go to a One Direction concert?

John: Probably that long ago would be my guess.

Upload: Well, they broke up. One Direction broke up in 20…20, 9…

LB: No, earlier.

John: 2029.

Upload: 2029 is when they broke up.

LB: [laughs] 2912. It was like 2015 I think they broke up?

Upload: One Direction. 2016.

LB: I saw them in like 2014.

Upload: Niall left in ‘15. 2016 they all passed away. In 2011, One Direction became the voice of Pokémon Black & White, starring in a series of television advertisements. [laughs]

LB: Really?

John: Really? I don’t remember that at all.

Upload: They were in the first installment of the fifth generation– oh, oh, oh. Sorry, I read that sentence wrong. I thought it said that they were in the first installment of the fifth generation of the Pokémon series.

LB: Oh.

John: No, no, no.

Upload: No. They were in the advertisements only.

John: God, wouldn’t that be amazing if like anyone that shows up in the ads is in the game? Like if we got Kim Cattrall in fucking Super Mario 3D Land?

Upload: God, that would fucking whip.

John: That would be so great.

Upload: In 2012, they teamed up with Colgate to launch their own One Direction Colgate Max Fresh Power Toothbrush, the One Direction Colgate Max Fresh Manual Toothbrush, and the One Direction Colgate Max Fresh Toothpaste.

John: [laughs] I mean, you know, there was a time where I would probably buy some sort of celebrity branded toothpaste, but I can’t–

Upload: Now do you think they’re still selling it on the internet?

John: No. No way.

Upload: Can I…is this a collector’s item?

LB: Someone’s selling it on eBay.

John: I mean, on eBay.

LB: Someone’s selling it on eBay, for sure.

John: Yeah.

Upload: Is this a collector’s item? Whose– yeah, that’s a really good question, Jordan.

John: Yeah, that’s a good question, Jordan.

Upload: Whose celebrity toothpaste– okay, okay, okay. First off, I found it on eBay.

John: Okay.

Upload: How much money do you think they’re charging for, again, a bottle of toothpaste?

LB: $15.

John: Oh, a One Direction bottle of toothpaste?

Upload: Yeah.

John: Uh, $50, $55.

Upload: Jordan, would you like to wager a guess? $400.

John: 400. Okay.

Upload: $20.

John: Oh, okay.

LB: I won.

John: So LB’s…

Upload: Yeah. It’s sealed.

John: Oh.

LB: Oh, wow.

Upload: And if you buy it now, it’ll ship in three days.

John: Oh, wow. Three days. Cool.

LB: Well, that’s…so, to answer your question.

John: So by Monday or Tuesday, I’ll be able to brush my teeth with One Direction toothpaste.

Upload: Yeah.

LB: The toothpaste I bought, the toothpaste I use on a daily basis.

Upload: Yeah, is sponsored?

LB: [laughing] I bought because I saw it in a Vogue “What’s in Your Bag?” video.

John: Yeah!

LB: For Kim Taeyeon, leader of Girls’ Generation.

John: Let’s go!

Upload: Wow.

LB: It’s a great toothpaste.

Upload: What toothpaste is it?

LB: Uh, what is it called?

John: That’s so funny.

LB: It’s like fancy bottle.

John: [laughs] It’s a…

Upload: I’m googling Girls’ Generation toothpaste.

John: Now, Niki…so, is that your answer, LB?

LB: I mean, the thing is like, I’ve already done it.

John: You’ve already done it.

LB: But I’m also not buying…it’s Marvis toothpaste.

John: Marvis.

Upload: Marvis. You made that up.

John: All right, so Niki, whose celebrity toothpaste would you buy?

Upload: [sighs] Um…hmm.

John: Right.

LB: But I’m just saying, I would only use it if it was this good toothpaste. Like…

Upload: Is it good toothpaste?

LB: It’s great toothpaste. It tastes really good.

John: Why is it– oh, why does it taste so good? Is it just like…

LB: It just doesn’t taste disgusting.

John: Okay. Huh.

LB: I hate the taste of toothpaste. I think it’s horrific.

John: Okay.

LB: So like, and this is a mint toothpaste that like doesn’t taste terrible to me.

John: Mm. Mm. I honestly can’t immediately identify a celebrity I would be excited to buy a toothpaste from, but I mean, I’m not like the biggest– I think if like Bob Odenkirk had a celebrity toothpaste, that would be…

Upload: Yeah. That would be fine.

John: I would be amused by that enough to maybe do it, you know?

LB: Mm.

Upload: Toothpaste. Because like, I know…what’s her name? One of the younger Kardashians.

John: Oh boy.

LB: She has a toothpaste?

Upload: She’s partnered with the toothpaste that makes your teeth black…that doesn’t work.

John: Oh.

LB: Oh, the carbon, the charcoal toothpaste?

Upload: Charcoal one.

John: I can’t fucking stand it.

Upload: Yeah.

John: There was like a three month period where Instagram was showing me one of those, like constantly, and I was like, ugh.

Upload: Yeah, but they were showing you a person brushing their teeth from the front angle [John: “Yes”] as the black foam is being created.

John: Ugh.

Upload: I don’t want that.

LB: Which is disgusting, and I hate to see that.

John: I don’t want– it’s so disgusting.

LB: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

John: So disgusting.

Upload: I ran out of my illegal illicit toothpaste.

LB: Why was it illegal illicit?

Upload: ‘Cause there’s a chemical called…fuck, what is it called? [Jordan chuckles]

LB: Cocaine. [John laughs]

Upload: It’s basically the sequel to fluoride.

LB: Uh huh.

Upload: It’s fluoride 2.

John: Okay.

Upload: But instead of just protect–

John: They haven’t put it in the water yet. [laughter]

Upload: Yeah. But instead of just protecting your teeth, it rebuilds enamel, [LB gasps] like actually.

LB: I want that!

Upload: It rebuilds enamel.

John: Mm.

Upload: It’s illegal in the United States.

John: Why?

Upload: Because of big fluoride and big toothpaste [John: “Oh, wow”] have lobbied against putting it in. It probably doesn’t have the real chemical in it, ’cause it’s illegal in America.

LB: Okay, Niki, you did just react to a statement that was given to you in text form. [John laughs]

Upload: Oh shit, sorry. Jordan said–

LB: The listeners didn’t get to hear.

Upload: This is my first podcast. [John laughs] Jordan said that, “My toothpaste says that it rebuilds the enamel.” They’re lying.

John: They’re lying to you. Or, Jordan, you bought illegal toothpaste.

Upload: Yeah.

LB: Yeah.

Upload: Also possible.

John: Also possible. Forbidden toothpaste.

Upload: [as if typing] Illegal Sensodyne.

LB: You don’t get in…

John: [laughing] Illegal Sensodyne.

LB: You don’t get put away for buying the illegal toothpaste, but you do get put away for selling it?

Upload: Me bringing it from Australia was a crime.

LB: [gasp] Wait, how much did you bring from Australia?

John: Whoa!

Upload: I got a lot of toothpaste.

John: Whoa!

LB: Yeah, ’cause that was a long time ago.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Wait, so you got like the strongest Australian chompers in the world.

Upload: Yeah.

John: Wow.

Upload: But to be fair, I was using it off and on.

LB: Okay.

Upload: So like I got a handful of bottles, and then—that was two years ago, I guess—and then I would like use one tube of toothpaste.

John: Mm.

Upload: And then use it and then switch to a different one, ’cause I was like, I can’t blow my whole fucking stash of illegal toothpaste.

LB: Right.

Upload: What is this toothpaste called? What is the chemical called?

John: [laughs] Again, it’s cocaine. [laughter]

Upload: Imagine– they should put cocaine in toothpaste just to see what would happen.

John: I agree. I mean, it probably makes your mouth numb, huh?

LB: Yeah, it would make your mouth numb. That’s exactly what it would do.

Upload: Yeah, but you would feel so good, though.

LB: You would feel a little good.

John: [laughs] You’d feel a little good.

LB: You feel kinda snazzy, you know?

John: You’d feel snazzy.

LB: Yeah? Yeah?

John: Yeah. Kind of feeling snazzy about, you know, maybe wrapping up the podcast. What do you think?

Upload: Okay.

LB: I’m sad.

John: Aw.

LB: ‘Cause we only get to do this one more time until we stop for a while, and I’m sad about it.

John: I mean, it’s only sad because everyone else won’t get to hear it. I mean, we’ll all get to talk to each other whenever we want.

LB: That’s what I said in our meeting, but I’m actually sad.

John: Yeah.

LB: I don’t agree with that anymore.

John: Okay.

LB: I think it’s just sad in general.

John: I think it’s sad too.

LB: Because we don’t ever talk for an hour and 15 minutes with no interruptions, not stopping.

John: Yeah, but like, we could, though.

LB: I guess we could.

John: We could.

LB: What if I start waking up in the morning so that I can come on your morning show?

John: I think that’d be great. I think you should do that.

Upload: Ooh, you should do that.

LB: What if I wake up at 6:00 in the morning, so I can…

John: You don’t have to wake up at 6.

Upload: No, that’s not even when it starts.

John: That’s not when it starts.

LB: It starts at when, 7:30?

John: It starts at 7:30.

LB: Yeah, I need it.

John: And I could start it later if you want me to.

LB: [sadly] No.

John: Okay.

Upload: It’s still morning for someone.

John: It’s still morning for someone. That’s true.

LB: What if– I kind of want to imagine myself as a morning person.

John: Okay, then manifest it.

LB: I like the idea of it.

John: Manifest it, and we’ll get that energy out on Tuesday mornings.

LB: Okay. Okay.

John: I like that idea.

LB: I’ll do it.

John: All right. We got one more episode of this show next week. Definitely be here for that.

LB: God, we have to watch Larry Crowne.

John: [laughing] We have to watch Larry Crowne. I’m really sorry.

Upload: Oh my God.

LB: Fuck! Why did I agree to that?

John: I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry. It’ll be fine, though. Yeah, thanks. You can find me @floppyadult. You can find Jordan @jordan_mallory. Thank you so much, Jordan. Obviously, LB can be found @hunktears. Niki can be found @godsewa.

LB: Upload.

John: Upload, excuse me.

Upload: Yeah, please, my name is Upload.

John: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. [LB laughs quietly] You know what? I’m just not used to all these changes, you know? It’s like…

Upload: Yeah. [LB laughs]

John: It’s just like, I’m not used– like, language is SO static. I just am not used to any of that stuff, so I can’t…ah, beans, I’m so bad at it! [Upload loses it] Anyway, thanks Upload. LB, do you want to take us out?

LB: “Are green potatoes safe to eat? If you’re looking for a short, simple response, then NO! If you’re curious as to why? Let’s together research this.”

About the Author

Jordan Mallory

Jordan is a frog that lives in Texas and loves Girls Generation. He's also Senior Podcast Producer! Before that he wrote video game news for almost ten years at a lot of websites you've heard of, including this one.