In this week’s podcast transcript for our latest episode of Friends Reunion (a Podcast for Discerning Listeners™), the entire Fanbyte Thinktank is finally reunited to tackle the pressing issues facing today’s Sleepy Americans. Yes, John did get COVID-19 on the Alaskan corpse boat he and his wife went on for vacation and yes, the people he got it from knew they were sick and got on the corpse boat anyway. USA! USA! USA!
Immediately before recording, John learned that LB has never played the popular computer video game Fortnite, and thus launched into the episode with a simple question: what character from pop culture could Epic Games add to Fortnite in order to entice LB into playing? (If you’ve similarly abstained until now, let us know what character would finally break your fast in the Friends Reunion channel of the Fanbyte Discord.)
Meanwhile, Niki pokes holes in the naming conventions of several important bands, shoegaze or otherwise. How does Blink-182 get away with being called Blink-182 when there are only three guys in the band, including one that believes in aliens and one that is former The Aquabats drummer Travis Barker? And presumably some third guy? Why is it legal for the Scissor Sisters to only have that one lady in the group? Why isn’t anybody talking about this!?
We also spend a little time discussing what should be done with the final 912 extant Choco Tacos, even though that whole thing is definitely a PR stunt like New Coke or Medicare, and the gang also discusses the political ramifications of installing a McDonald’s franchise location directly inside of the White House. How swift is the Burger King’s retribution? All this and more in our latest Friends Reunion podcast transcript!
Friends Reunion Ep. 128: The Jimmy Carter Rabbit Incident Podcast Transcript
Transcribed by E. Powers
John: [voice] Hello, and welcome to Friends Reunion, a podcast for discerning listeners.
Niki: What is this voice?
LB: Yeah, who is this?
John: It’s been a while since I’ve been on a show, so I don’t know if this is like…doesn’t this just sound like me?
Niki: That’s not even true. You were on 99 Potions this week.
John: But doesn’t– no, I recorded that one after this one.
John: It doesn’t…
Niki: What? [John and Niki laugh]
John: [voice] Is this my normal voice, though? Is it?
LB: Are you Doctor Strange again?
Niki: Yeah, why are you–? There’s like inflection where there…you’re putting in emPHAsis on the wrong sylLABle.
LB: You’re a little bit Doctor Strange.
John: I’m a little bit Doctor Strange, huh? Hmm.
LB: [singing] I’m a little bit Doctor Strange. I’m a little bit rock and roll. [laughter] No, it’s: I’m a little bit country, I’m a little bit Doctor Strange.
John: I’m a little bit– okay.
LB: That’s how it goes.
John: All right. Well, I’m John. I’m back. With me are Niki and LB.
Niki: Welcome back.
LB: Hi. Welcome back.
John: Too bad y’all didn’t– too bad this show’s been on hiatus since I’ve been gone.
Niki: Well, no.
John: Wait, what?
Niki: No, we’ve been– we’ve made an episode every week since you left.
John: You’ve made an episode every week?
John: What did y’all talk about without me?
Niki: Yeah. Um…we took a test.
LB: We took a quiz.
John: You took a test?
John: [feigning sarcasm] That sounds like a great episode.
Niki: We wrote a song with Kelly Clarkson. I mean, it was.
LB: Okay… [John laughs]
Niki: We both found out that we were medically unfit for war.
LB: Yeah, we’re unfit to serve in World War I.
John: Wait, y’all had to take a test to figure that out?
Niki: [laughs quietly] Yeah.
LB: Well, no, we already knew, but we wanted to know how mentally unfit for World War I we were.
LB: Actually, we weren’t that mentally unfit for World War I, [John: “Really?”] compared to the average citizen.
John: Wow. That’s a really– that’s awesome. I was busy getting COVID from dumb people on a fucking boat.
Niki: Yeah, so, we had an entire conversation about how [laughs quietly] you needed to not be the person on the boat who got COVID.
Niki: And then you…
LB: What did you do?
John: I got it.
Niki: What did you do, John?
John: I got it. I got it.
Niki: You got it.
John: Yeah, I got it.
LB: You got it.
Niki: And you didn’t even have the fucking kindness within you to get it on the boat while y’all were still on it.
John: Uh uh, no, I got it afterward.
Niki: So you didn’t even give the people on the boat the opportunity for a free cruise.
John: Yeah, I know. I didn’t. It was afterward that– it was when I got home.
Niki: That’s so selfish.
John: Yeah. There were some people on board that my parents kind of knew, and so we had dinner with them the last night, and I should have known something was up, because the guy at dinner, one, looked sick.
John: And then he kept on saying his wife was seasick, his wife was seasick. And then, of course, two days later, they cop to both having COVID [Niki: “Mm”] but still like seeing people? And I was like, oh, that’s probably where I got it.
LB: That’s like really shitty and fucked up.
Niki: Oh, that’s probably…yeah, that’s– yeah, probably, I think, John, that’s where you got it.
LB: That’s incredibly fucked up of them.
LB: Yeah, probably.
John: Yeah, I mean, it’s probably where I got it and yeah, sure, it’s, you know, it’s fucked up of them or whatever.
LB: It is fucked up of them.
John: You know, and…
Niki: Take ‘em out.
LB: Yeah, take ’em out.
John: Take ’em out. Yeah. Take ‘em out. But I was gone for a while, and I’m back, and LB, right before we got on this show, said that they would never ever play Fortnite, and I wanted to start this conversation by asking LB: what character could be added to Fortnite to get you to try to play Fortnite?
LB: I don’t think there is one.
John: You literally don’t–
Niki: That cannot be true.
John: There’s no way. There’s no way.
Niki: There’s literally no way. If they put nude Lewis Hamilton with the dick piercing in the game, you would not play Fortnite.
LB: He told Vanity Fair he doesn’t actually have a dick piercing, that he was just…
Niki: Oh, I didn’t read it. I didn’t read that yet.
John: What if they had topless–
LB: I didn’t read all of it. I got to the dick piercing part [Niki: “Oh”] and then turned…
John: Topless Hiroshi Tanahashi gets added to Fortnite.
LB: As opposed to what? Shirted Hiroshi Tanahashi?
John: Yeah, right.
LB: That would be more rare.
John: That would be more perverted, actually.
LB: Those are the variants of John Cena.
LB: See, none of these appeal. Like, I can play Lewis Hamilton in like a Formula One game. I can play Hiroshi Tanahashi in Fire Pro Wrestling game.
John: But you wouldn’t, though, ‘cause you don’t like those games.
LB: I mean, I have.
LB: I have tried it.
Niki: What if…
LB: I have given it more of a chance than I’ll ever give Fortnite.
Niki: Okay, but what if you could be one of your shoegaze [pronounced shugazi] band people? [John and LB laugh] What about one of those? The Cocteau Twins, but it’s like, it’s both of them and they’re together like at the hip. You play both of them at the same time.
LB: [laughs] If they put the Cocteau Twins in Fortnite.
LB: [laughs] The Cocteau Twins would have to do a concert in Fortnite.
LB: Like, they’ve done those. I would play Fortnite to attend–
Niki: That’s established. They’ve done a lot of those.
LB: I know they have. [Niki laughs] If the Cocteau Twins did a Fortnite concert…
John: You would play Fortnite.
Niki: Then you would play Fortnite.
LB: And there was a Fortnite season that was like themed around…
LB: Fortnite season 69, [John: “Uh huh”] Heaven or Las Vegas.
John: Uh huh.
LB: [laughs] Then I would play that season of Fortnite.
John: Okay, well, we found it.
LB: I would check it out, at least. I’d go to the concert.
John: We found it.
Niki: All right.
LB: Yeah. That’s what it would be.
Niki: I’ll call Tim now.
LB: [laughs quietly] Tim Fortnite?
John: Tim Fortnite?
LB: Hey, Tim.
John: You have no idea what kind of demographic you’re missing out on by not having the Cocteau Twins in Fortnite.
LB: [laughs] I would like to imagine, like, what would the Cocteau Twins twin characters look like?
Niki: Well, what do they look like?
John: Yeah, what do they look like?
LB: Well, they’re not twins. They look like Scottish people.
John: They just look like Scottish people. That’s true. Hmm.
Niki: Well, I mean, everyone in the band looks– there’s three of them? [John laughs]
LB: They’re not twins.
Niki: Why the– what the fuck? There is three of them, and they’re not related.
John: Niki, when you see a picture of the Scissor Sisters, does it just blow your mind?
Niki: The who? [John laughs] The Scissor Sisters. [John laughs] There are four people in this band!
Niki: And three of them are dudes!
John: Right. Sometimes it’s just, you know, it’s just a name.
Niki: This is fucked up.
LB: There’s a French band called Brazilian Girls.
Niki: I think this– I think all of these band names should be illegal.
John: Wait, so you–
LB: [laughs] Well…
John: So you think band names should just be describing something that’s–
Niki: I think there should be a registry.
John: They– okay.
LB: You know the Beatles are human men and not bugs? [laughs]
Niki: No, but that’s fine, ’cause it’s like a pun.
John: It’s not spelled like the beetles.
LB: The Rolling Stones are also human men, not rocks.
John: Are also– yeah, they’re human men, not rocks.
Niki: But it’s rock and roll, isn’t it?
LB: Okay, okay.
LB: So I want to see where you draw the line.
John: Yeah, where do you draw the line?
Niki: Like, the coct– the cockatoo– the bird twins.
John: Yeah, the cockatiel twins.
LB: [laughs] The Cocteau.
Niki: The cockatiel twins. They’re…that’s illegal. You can’t do that. Blink-182, also. There’s not enough guys in that band, so that’s misrepresentation. [others laugh]
John: Blink 182.
LB: [laughing] That would be incredible. 182 guys.
John: [laughs] That’s just– it’s just Arcade Fire.
Niki: Yeah. I just think that you should, the number– if there’s a number in your band, it should be reflective of the number of people in the band. And then if you’re related, then– like the Allman Brothers.
John: Oh, do– okay, well, what about this? What about if you had to put the number of people in your band in your name? So like, if it’s…
Niki: So the… [laughs quietly]
John: Like, the Cocteau Twins Three. [laughter]
LB: Okay, but Cocteau Twins were originally two guys, then they– when they named the band, it was the Cocteau Twins, and then they added more people.
John: Daft Punk Two.
Niki: Daft Punk two, yeah. The Allman Brothers Two Plus…Four.
LB: Whoever. What about the Doobie Brothers, though? They’re not brothers.
Niki: They’re not brothers.
John: They’re not brothers.
LB: And their name isn’t Doobie.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Well. Banned.
LB: So, you would do that to your own Doobie Brothers? You would betray the–
Niki: Yeah, Michael McDonald and the Machines or whatever. [John laughs]
LB: You would betray…you would go against “What a Fool Believes” like this.
Niki: Yeah. I would.
LB: I don’t think that’s okay. I don’t think that’s right.
John: I don’t either.
LB: I think that’s a betrayal.
John: You can’t come for “What a Fool Believes.”
LB: You can’t.
Niki: I just don’t think that you– I just think that like there’s so many lies in this country, right?
Niki: That like come across our screens and our feeds [John: “Mm,” LB: “Mm-hmm”] and our radio waves every single day, [John: “Right”] that I think that we should work on removing the lies and putting more truth instead.
LB: [laughing] Starting with Blink-182.
Niki: Starting with Blink-182. [John laughs]
LB: You need to add 179 members, right now!
John: Gotta add 179 people to this band. Apply today to be added to…
LB: There are 179 spots left. [laughter]
John: It’s just the entire season of American Idol next year is just finding 179 people to put in Blink-182.
LB: Well, no, ’cause that’s all singers. You need it to be like America’s Got Talent.
John: Oh, yeah. That’s true.
LB: Right? So you need like the– who’s the Blink-182 fire eater?
John: Mm. [laughs]
LB: Blink-182 needs a kid who can do flips, you know?
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They need a…
LB: I don’t know what they do on that show. I’ve never seen it.
John: They need a Mighty Mighty Bosstones type dancer. They need a fire eater.
LB: [laughs] They do.
John: They need a juggler.
LB: They need a full orchestra.
LB: Several jugglers.
John: They need a paint–
LB: We could be in Blink-182.
John: They need a painter?
LB: This is our idea.
John: Oh yeah.
Niki: A painter.
John: Yeah, podcasters? Yeah.
Niki: Is there anyone that can play the guitar? In the band?
John: Is there anyone in the world that can play the guitar?
Niki: No, in the band that can play guitar.
John: Currently? Yeah.
LB: Yeah, one of them plays guitar, one of them plays bass, and one of them plays drums.
LB: Niki, yeah, you can add another guitarist.
John: Wait, Niki, did you think that Blink-182 did not have a guitarist in it? [LB laughs]
Niki: I didn’t know that Blink-182 was still alive. I thought they died or broke up or whatever.
John: Well, I think they–
LB: I told you that one of them’s doing the whole UFO thing.
Niki: Well, I thought that’s why he stopped.
LB: Or did I only tell John about that?
Niki: I thought that’s why they all stopped, because of that.
LB: Oh. No. And then one of them is married to a Kardashian of some kind.
LB: I don’t remember which one. Khloe?
John: Yeah, Travis Barker is married to one of the Kardashians now.
LB: Is it Khloe?
Niki: Wait, Travis Barker is in…
LB: Yeah, he’s the drummer.
Niki: He got in a plane crash in 2008?
LB: Who did you think he was?
Niki: I thought he was just some guy.
Niki: ‘Cause I feel like Travis Barker did a cover of…
LB: Would you name a Blink-182 song?
Niki: Name one Blink-182 song? “All the Small Things.”
LB: Uh huh. How’s it go?
Niki: [singing] “All the small things.”
LB: You did it. You nailed it.
Niki: Ah, fuck.
John: Yeah, you nailed it.
Niki: [singing] “Two kids, two beans.” [John laughs] I don’t really know what the next–
LB: No, that’s it. You’re nailing it. [Niki laughs] I’m in, this is– like of all the times we’ve said, “Niki, name this– like, can you name a thing?”
LB: This is the best you’ve ever done.
John: That’s the best one.
Niki: Thank you.
Niki: Blink-182…wait, that’s a different band from Bowling for Soup.
John: It’s an unbelievably different band than Bowling for Soup.
LB: [laughs] I don’t know what Bowling for Soup is.
Niki: Bowling for Soup did the theme song to Phineas and Ferb. Also, they are not–
John: They did?
Niki: Yeah. They are not that different. They sound the same.
John: Oh, mm…I don’t think they sound the same.
LB: I don’t know what Bowling for Soup is other than they…
Niki: Bowling for Soup also did the vocal theme for Sonic Unleashed.
Niki: Which I–
LB: So they do kind of theme songs.
John: Yeah, they played at my college. They played at my alma mater.
LB: That’s cool.
John: They’re from Dallas.
Niki: They’re actually from Wichita Falls.
John: Are they?
Niki: Yeah, that’s what it says here.
LB: What concerts did you go to at your college– bands played at your college that you went to see?
LB: When you were in college.
Niki: What’s that fucking band called? Fucking…
LB: Oh gosh.
Niki: Ah, you know.
LB: Cocteau Twins?
Niki: You know who I’m talking about.
LB: Imagine Dragons?
Niki: No, but they’re like them.
Niki: They were popular at the same time.
LB: Yeah, that’s why I guessed, ’cause I know when you went to college.
Niki: Yeah. Hold on. I’m looking. I’m just gonna pull up a playlist from that time, and then I’ll be able to tell you who performed.
John: I had a bunch of like–
LB: So like, it’s an Imagine Dragons-like.
John: It’s an Imagine Dragons-like.
Niki: Imagine Dragons-like, yeah.
LB: Okay. I saw Girl Talk.
Niki: Girl Talk.
John: Oh, really?
LB: Uh huh.
John: All right.
LB: ‘Cause it was the Girl Talk era.
Niki: Who else? Other than Bowling for Soup, John, who came?
John: Oh, there was like a few local bands from Denton, but like, they weren’t…they weren’t like big, and I don’t remember their names.
LB: [laughs] Yeah, that doesn’t count.
John: That doesn’t count.
Niki: So yeah, no– so nobody.
LB: Is Girl Talk not allowed?
John: Bowling for Soup was like the only good one. Well, big one.
LB: Niki, is Girl Talk not allowed as a band name? ‘Cause it’s a dude?
Niki: Well, are they girls?
LB: It’s one dude.
Niki: Mm, no. Sorry. Canceled.
John: Wow. Canceled.
LB: What about Imagine Dragons? They’re not dragons.
Niki: No, but they’re asking you to imagine [John: “To imagine them”] they are dragons.
LB: But they’re bad. It’s a bad band? So can it get knocked for something?
Niki: No, but they are asking– they’re asking us to imagine them. They are not… [LB sighs]
John: Imagine, if you will, dragons.
Niki: Yeah, a dragon.
Niki: What the fuck is this band called?
LB: There’s a new K-pop group called New Jeans. They’re not made of jeans. Is that bad?
Niki: Mm…eh, that’s on the line.
Niki: The year after I left Hofstra, they got Kesha and Snoop Dogg.
John: Holy shit.
Niki: Which was nuts. And Big Sean was there also.
LB: All at the same time?
Niki: No, that was the year I was there, was Big Sean and Snoop Dogg. The following year, they got Kesha.
Niki: Well, I mean, yeah, when–
LB: She wasn’t free yet.
Niki: After you like spend a long time lying to all of the kids who are attempting to go to your school, you have to like trick them into being like, “I can survive a semester” [John laughs] by like dangling the possibility of seeing Snoop Dogg [laughs] in front of the kids. T-Pain performed there last year.
LB: They get all the acts.
John: How do you know this? Do you just still follow like social accounts?
Niki: No, I just googled it.
John: Oh, okay.
Niki: ‘Cause they have all of the…they have all of the histories here.
John: I see.
LB: Can I get a hand check, everybody?
LB: What you doing?
Niki: I was holding a mouse and looking at how Aziz Ansari performed also that year.
LB: John, hand check?
John: I don’t– uh, what am I…? I’m just searching for people, the bands that played at Austin College.
LB: Oh, okay.
Niki: What’s in your hands?
LB: I’m trying to wrap a piece of…I don’t know what this paper used to be, but I’ve kind of twisted it up into kind of like a string, and I’m trying to make it into a ring for myself.
John: Yeah, okay.
Niki: A string ring.
LB: And I keep breaking it. I don’t think it’s gonna happen.
John: So why do you do that? Just ’cause you need something to busy your hands?
LB: Yeah, that’s my hand check. Oh, sorry, you weren’t here last week, when we were talking about…when we were taking the quiz about World War II preparedness, or World War I preparedness. One of the questions was like, how…can your hands often be still? And Niki and I were both like, “No!”
LB: And then we both confessed what we were doing with our hands at the time.
John: Ah, okay. I gotcha.
LB: Just a new thing that we do on the show. Anyone can go “Hand check!” and– it’s actually from the Twitch channel also, our Twitch channel.
John: That’s really good to know.
Niki: It today is August 11, 2022.
John: That’s correct.
LB: Well, if you’re listening to it, it is August 12, 2022.
John: Or later, yeah.
Niki: Oh my God. Okay, fine.
LB: Or later. Really any day.
LB: Could be any day.
Niki: Okay, but today–
LB: Other– it could really be any day that isn’t, that is after August 11, 2022.
LB: Unless you’re Jordo, who is listening to us right now, for whom it is August 11, 22.
Niki: I’m going to read you, in celebration of hashtag of nash– pres– fuck. Nash– fuck. [John laughs] Hashtag Presidential Joke Day. I’m going to read you some of the presidential jokes that are present on nationaldaycalendar.com. Are you ready?
John: I’m ready.
Niki: These are jokes.
Niki: Everyone loves hot dogs. [laughs]
LB: That’s true. I love those.
Niki: There’s even a National Hot Dog Day.
Niki: However, when the president of the United States serves them to the king and queen of England, things might become awkward. In 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt hosted a good old fashioned wiener roast when King George VI and Queen Elizabeth visited the US in 1939.
LB: Uh huh.
Niki: Are you laughing?
LB: [laughs] That’s a joke?
John: That’s a joke?
LB: [laughing] Yes, I am laughing.
John: All right. [LB and Niki laugh]
LB: That’s a really good joke.
Niki: George H. W. Bush pledged in 1998: “Read my lips. No new taxes.” Two years later, Bush raised taxes.
LB: That’s not– can you read that year again?
Niki: 1988. What did I say?
LB: [laughs] 1998.
Niki: Oh. [Niki and John laugh] In 1988, he said, “Read my lips. No new taxes.” Two years later, Bush raised taxes.
John: [sarcastic] Wow. I can’t believe politic– politician lied.
LB: That’s why he lost.
LB: Also because he was running against Bill Clinton, who was– [laughs] and he’s George H. W. Bush.
LB: [laughing] And the comparison of personality is actually very funny.
John: It is pretty funny.
Niki: One of those guys threw up on himself on TV.
Niki: And the other one had not done that yet.
John: God, how funny is it to watch the fucking president barf on himself? Like, that…
Niki: It’s really funny.
LB: I’ve never seen that.
John: Oh my God. It’s really good.
Niki: Oh, he’s having dinner with the prime minister of Japan, I think, question mark?
John: Yeah. Yeah.
Niki: And he just pukes on himself. [laughs]
LB: [typing] George H. W. Bush throwing up.
John: I love that he– I just–
LB: Throwing up.
John: I would’ve loved to been like his top aide or something.
John: He’s like, he’s looking at me like, [voice] “Hey, I, uh, I think I might need to throw up,” and I’m just like–
Niki: Whoa, that’s really good.
John: No, no, hang in there. I bet you can hold it down. I bet you can hold it in. [Niki laughs] Oh, you’re getting really sweaty, George.
LB: Holy shit! [laughs]
John: You’re getting really sweaty, George.
LB: Thank you, Sir Mix-a-Lot Rare Music on YouTube for uploading this. [John and LB laugh]
Niki: Yeah, so, that happened. [LB laughs] It’s so grim, right?
John: It’s really grim.
LB: [laughs] It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen too.
John: I know.
LB: Oh boy. They should have put that on the jokes list.
John: [typing] H. Bush throw up. God, it’s so good.
Niki: They should have put that on the joke list. You’re right.
LB: Okay, what’s funnier: George H.W. Bush throwing up or George W. Bush getting a shoe thrown at head?
John: I mean…
Niki: It’s H.W. throwing up, because the one thing I will say about young baby Bush getting a shoe thrown at him is that I do commend him for his reaction time.
John: Yeah, he had a really swift dodge.
Niki: Like, I…that’s the first and only time where I was like, that guy’s cool.
Niki: ‘Cause he like dodged, he dodged the shoes.
John: He fucking dodged it.
Niki: There was literally no reason for him to be that on it.
Niki: But he was.
John: Yeah. Yep. Also, can you fucking imagine if Twitter was around the day George Bush threw up on himself and then like collapsed? [LB and Niki laugh]
LB: God, that would be fantastic.
John: That would’ve been so fucking wild.
LB: Would’ve been a really good day on Twitter.
John: ‘Cause I can’t stress this enough, it’s not just that he throws up. It’s like, he full on throws up and also collapses and faints, like in the prime minister of Japan’s lap, and everyone is like jumping over the table.
Niki: The president just died.
John: Jumping over the table like the fucking cavalcade in Dallas. I mean, it’s amazing.
Niki: Damn. What if he fucking beefed it right then and there, though?
LB: That would’ve been sick.
John: God, he threw up so much, too.
LB: More presidents should die… [laughs]
John: [laughs] Okay.
LB: I was gonna continue that.
Niki: No, that’s it, though.
John: That’s it.
LB: But then I was like, I’m good. I’m good. I think that’s true. I think more of them should die, like, in fun ways. Memorable ways, you know?
Niki: Fun and memorable ways.
John: We have a foot check.
LB: I don’t– I don’t– I don’t…mm.
Niki: I don’t have feet.
LB: I mean, Jordo…’cause it’s Jordo, they’re on the floor. But like, I don’t think this is…I don’t know. I think like if you want to know about our feet, you gotta pay up.
John: You gotta pay up. I agree. I’m not even gonna tell you what I’m doing with my feet.
LB: Not Jordo. I mean the listeners.
John: Right. Sure.
John: Folks, if you want to know what’s going on with our feet, pay us.
LB: You gotta pay. That’s the new rule of the internet, basically.
John: It is.
LB: Like, people on Instagram just censor their feet out. They don’t show them for free. I noticed this yesterday, ’cause I followed a bunch of new influencers, ’cause I wanted to like see more like plus size fashion influencers, [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] and so then I followed a bunch of like 22-year-olds, which is like, they’ve got weird opinions about things. They’re very 22.
Niki: Yeah. 22-year-olds are 22.
LB: You know? They have a– they like think things, like they have these– they’re just wrong about stuff with like so much passion and so much conviction? I’m like, this is definitely wrong, but I can’t– I’m not gonna argue with you, because you feel it so strongly.
Niki: But it’s like, how do you know it’s wrong, you know?
LB: Um…I mean, I can feel it.
LB: ‘Cause I remember being that age and people saying things, and I remember saying things like that, that I don’t agree with now, because they weren’t true ever, [all laugh] just a thing that felt true at the time.
Niki: ‘Cause they were– it was always wrong.
LB: It was always wrong, yeah. I just wanted to say something.
John: Apparently when–
LB: 22 check. What were you doing when you were 22? [laughs]
John: Oh, 22 check. Shit. Um…
Niki: I don’t know about you…
LB: Well, I know Niki was standing in line for the opening of Shake Shack?
Niki: Shake Shack, yeah.
John: Oh, what was I doing?
Niki: In LA.
John: What was I doing in August of…well, fuck, [Niki: “1936”] 2007.
John: Oh, I had just moved to Austin, I think.
John: And I was living alone at the time, ’cause my girlfriend at the time had not moved with me to there, and so I was probably playing Metal Gear Solid 4 in my apartment.
Niki: That’s cool though, actually.
Niki: That’s a good one.
LB: I was, I think, on my first paid vacation ever.
Niki: Where’d you go?
LB: Colorado Springs. [laughs]
Niki: Wow. Beautiful.
LB: Went to visit Robbie’s family.
LB: Well, I mean, we got to go to– I went to Garden of the Gods for the first time.
Niki: Oh, that place fucking whips!
LB: No, not for the first time, but for the first time not in winter, so I was able to enjoy the beauty of it, [Niki: “Yeah”] ’cause I wasn’t screaming about how cold it was.
Niki: Yeah. God.
LB: Because of the wind bouncing off of the beautiful ancient stones and attacking me.
LB: It’s so cool there. It’s so pretty.
Niki: That place rules.
LB: Yeah, and I hung out a bunch at Manitou Springs, which is like…like if you’re talking about like a beautiful mountain town where you’re like, “Ugh, I really want to go to like an old timey arcade, but then I need to go to a place that has a big mural of a wizard on it and look at statues of sexy fairies!” Manitou Springs is the place for that! It’s gorgeous. Manitou Springs, Colorado, Jordo? Jordo’s gonna move there. It’s really, really beautiful. And yeah, there’s this like amazing national park, Garden of the Gods, with beautiful rocks there. Tons of weed to enjoy. It’s probably very expensive, ’cause it’s so beautiful and full of weed and wizard paintings, but it’s nice there. God, I want to go to Colorado in the summer.
John: Do you know what else is listed in the See Also [LB: “What?”] section of the barfing thing?
LB: [laughs] What?
Niki: What else is in there?
John: There’s the Dick Cheney hunting accident. Sure, okay.
Niki: I don’t see how those are related literally at all, but okay.
John: There’s the Bush shoeing incident. Okay.
Niki: Shoeing? Okay.
John: Uh huh. The Bill Clinton haircut controversy.
Niki: The what?
LB: What was that?
John: Uh, apparently on May 13, 1993, the stylist Cristophe was aboard Air Force One at LAX and gave Bill Clinton a haircut. The air traffic was affected while two runways were basically on standby, while Bill Clinton was getting a haircut on the tarmac. Okay.
Niki: If you’re president, I think you should be able to do that.
John: Yeah, whatever. It’s fine.
LB: I don’t think you should. I think that’s an abuse of executive power, but of abuses of executive power, that one’s pretty mild. Like, there’s no…
John: The Obama–
Niki: The tan suit.
John: The Obama tan suit suit controversy, [Niki: “Okay”] which I’d forgotten about. And finally–
LB: Wait, what’s that one?
John: Uh, he wore a tan suit.
Niki: He wore a tan suit. [LB laughs] That was it.
John: That’s it.
Niki: [laughs] Damn. The mid 2000s were fucking crazy, huh?
John: They were really weird. And then this is my favorite, the Jimmy Carter rabbit incident.
Niki: Now, what does that mean?
LB: What’s that one?
John: In 1979, a swamp rabbit swam toward–
Niki: [laughs quietly] A what?
John: Swam toward Jimmy Carter’s fishing boat and apparently, quote, unquote, “attacked” Jimmy Carter. [LB laughs quietly] And then he splashed water at the bunny with a paddle, and then a lot of people made it sound like he had attacked the rabbit or the rabbit like tried to kill him, which is not true. [LB laughs] Anyway.
LB: Do you think Jimmy Carter would win in a fight with a rabbit?
Niki: Currently? No.
John: Currently, no.
LB: But back in the day, probably.
John: Back in the day, probably.
LB: Rabbits are really fast, though. I don’t think he could catch it.
Niki: Isn’t it wild that Jimmy Carter’s still alive?
John: Well, folks. [Niki laughs]
LB: That’s what happens when–
John: Jimmy’s had a good run, now that…
LB: [laughs] Did we curse him?
Niki: I mean, I’m like, honestly, I’m helping him.
LB: That’s true! Niki’s gonna Niki Jimmy Carter.
LB: I don’t know.
Niki: That’s like I’m helping him, though. You don’t think he–
John: Niki Nikied Prince Phillip, so.
Niki: You don’t think that Jimmy Carter’s kids are like, “Come on.”
LB: I think he’s like the opposite of Prince Phillip, though, so maybe we are actually empowering him to live even fucking longer.
John: That’s true. That’s probably true.
Niki: No. I don’t want that. [John laughs quietly]
LB: But what if he’s having a nice time, and his kids are happy, ’cause he’s such a nice old man?
Niki: Okay, let me look at Jimmy Carter 2022. Images.
Niki: There’s no way this man is happy.
John: It’s tough to be happy when you’re 97, huh?
LB: So old.
John: So old.
Niki: He looks exactly like the ghoul that was in the car from Britain.
LB: No, he doesn’t. Let me see.
John: I mean…
LB: [typing] Jimmy Carter 2022.
Niki: No, he absolutely does.
LB: He doesn’t. He doesn’t, ’cause that dude, do you remember what that dude looked like?
John: I do.
Niki: Now I’m–
LB: That dude was like gray purple.
John: He was. [laughs]
LB: Jimmy Carter is still like human-colored.
Niki: Is he? [John laughs]
LB: Yes. More so than Prince Philip was. He just looks like a very old man. I’ve been around like really old dudes.
John: I mean, Niki, Niki, this person absolutely looks better than Prince Philip.
Niki: Oh, you know what?
LB: Prince Phillip looked fucking–
Niki: Hey, the color temperature on this display is fucking wrong.
LB: Okay! [all laugh] So what does Prince Philip look like, Dracula or something? I want to know.
Niki: On my main display, this dude is like ghostly.
Niki: But on the other display, he looks like a white person.
LB: Yeah. I mean, white people, we just age poorly.
John: We do. It’s true.
Niki: I see. That’s…damn. I should calibrate the colors on this display, huh?
LB: Yeah. I have problems with that, though, on my display also.
Niki: There’s just like not enough red.
LB: Oh jeez, so they’re just– it’s just kind of making purple men.
John: I was looking at this picture that said it was apparently from 2022, ’cause it came up on the search for that, and he’s sitting next to Joe Biden. But then when I was looking, I was like, “Wow, Jimmy Carter looks great.”
Niki: He looks really good. Yeah, yeah.
John: And I looked over at Joe Biden, and I was like, “Oh, Joe Biden looks good too, so this is a very old photo.” [LB laughs]
LB: There’s a lot of old men.
John: Yeah, there are.
LB: In government.
John: Yeah. It’s true.
Niki: I think there should be more old men in government.
LB: Would that get you to play Fortnite?
Niki: [laughs quietly] Yeah.
LB: [laughs] If they put more old men in Fortnite.
Niki: If they put Jimmy Carter in Fortnite, I would play Fortnite for the first time.
LB: [laughs] How much do you play? How often do you play Fortnite?
Niki: Um…four, at least four times a week.
John: That’s a lot.
Niki: But I don’t play for very long. I play like between one and three games. Sometimes like, I’ll be sitting– no. No. No. No.
John: [ laughs] Oh, wow, Niki deleted that, huh?
Niki: I didn’t delete it. It was Jordan.
John: That was Jordan, huh?
Niki: God, thank you.
John: I mean, it was just…
Niki: Oh my God.
John: It was just Jimmy Carter and his wife. [laughter]
Niki: It looked like two turtles.
John: Why would y’all delete something so beautiful?
LB: [laughs] It was a weird picture.
Niki: It looked like two turtles.
LB: It was badly lit, and the angle was creepy.
John: Why would someone take that photo? is a question I have. [quiet laughter]
LB: ‘Cause they’re just taking photos.
John: I guess so.
Niki: That’s a photo that you take accidentally, [John and LB: “Yeah”] and then like you’re supposed to delete that one.
LB: Hi, welcome to Friends Reunion, a podcast for JPEG listeners.
John: It’s true.
Niki: Oh, that’s good.
LB: We did it.
Niki: What if we called it JPEG listening?
John: J– okay.
LB: Oh, yeah, John, we need to rename this–
John: Oh, we need to rename it?
LB: [laughs] We need to rename this podcast.
LB: ‘Cause the SEO is dogshit on it.
John: Yeah, that’s true.
LB: And also people are– people we work with are confused about what this show is. Like, it really hit me when I mentioned this show and Michael Hyam said, “I don’t know. I’ve never watched Friends.”
John: Oh my God, no.
LB: And I was like, oh, okay. We’re fucked. We need to change the name of the show. [laughs]
John: We gotta change it.
LB: We have to change it! [laughs]
Niki: We have to change it.
John: We gotta change it.
LB: Like, the fact that like, and like the fact that somebody I trust, somebody I respect, [Niki: “Yeah”] someone I work with and think is cool thought we were doing a podcast about the television show Friends.
John: About Friends, yeah.
LB: I like, I became– I shrunk. I like am 5’8”, and I went down to like 5’3”. Anyways, while we consider this, let us hear a word from our sponsor, which may or may not be ourselves.
Niki: Ah, shit. I dropped all my beans.
LB: You dropped all your beans?
LB: How are you gonna get them back?
Niki: LB, can you come over to this aisle? I dropped all of my beans.
LB: Hold on. Let me power up with a delicious potion that’ll boost all my bean picking up stats.
Niki: Your bean…
LB: Glug glug glug glug glug. Ah! Okay, I’m on my way.
Niki: Do you have any more?
LB: Yeah, I have 98 potions. [both laugh] I’ll bring them.
Niki: Holy shit. What a…
LB: I’ve learned so much about potions, stat boosting, RPGs, [Niki: “Beans”] fun with my friends, and picking up beans, on the fantastic Fanbyte podcast 99 Potions, starring all of our friends.
Niki: Whoa. Where can I listen to that?
LB: On Fanbyte podcast network, podcastnet.work, or you just search 99 Potions on any podcasting application. I’m gonna look at one right now while I’m flying to the island that you’re on where you dropped all your beans. Boop boop boop boop boop boop.
Niki: Oh, we’re on the phone?
LB: Ah yes, a great podcast. Yeah, ’cause you told me to come to the island? Uh, no, we’re actually talking…
Niki: Oh, I meant like the grocery store aisle, ‘cause…
LB: Oh, I thought you said island!
Niki: No. Wait.
Niki: How are we talking to each other, then?
Niki: Ohh, Angel’s Flight.
LB: Angel’s Flight. That’s right.
Niki: Well, let’s both listen to this newest episode of 99 Potions together on our favorite–
LB: I’m sorry about this commercial, listeners.
Niki: I’m not.
Niki: Thank you so much, us. I will listen to that podcast. Now, John has placed [John: “I’m not–”] what seems to be a Jimmy Carter reaction image.
John: [laughs] That’s apparently the day he turned 97.
Niki: That’s not true.
LB: Good for him. That’s so old.
John: So old.
LB: I’m never gonna be 97.
Niki: That’s too many.
John: It’s too many.
LB: I’m never gonna be that old. I’m never gonna have to deal with this.
John: I’m never gonna be that old either, ever.
LB: No way.
John: I’m gonna be in a robot by then.
Niki: Not even once. Like Krang.
John: Hey, I was–
LB: Well, I mean…
John: I was thinking about this earlier. Now, LB, I know that you tend to do your own hair, [LB: “Uh huh”] at least recently, especially in the pandemic times. Niki, do you have someone that does your hair in Providence?
Niki: Yeah. Yeah, I do.
John: How much do you like tell your hair person? I realized that–
Niki: About my life?
John: Yeah. I realized I tell my hair person like inner circle level things about myself, even though–
John: Even though that if I ever saw her on the street, I would not go, “She’s my best friend.”
John: Do you know what I mean?
Niki: I see. Yeah, I don’t talk at all, basically.
John: Interesting. That’s so interesting to me.
Niki: Because I’m afraid.
John: Why are you afraid of the person that…
LB: Are you afraid of your, the person? Are you afraid of them?
Niki: Well, I’m not afraid of them. I’m just like afraid of like…what if you say something wrong, you know?
John: Okay, now that’s great.
Niki: Because they’re doing a service to you, right?
John: Now, I would– okay, mm-hmm.
Niki: So like, the last–
John: You’re paying them for it.
Niki: Right, but the last thing that–
LB: That doesn’t mean you can say anything you want.
John: Well, no, of course.
Niki: The last thing I want to do is say something out of turn and then I hear “Oops,” and my ear’s on the ground like Van Gogh.
John: Now, okay. I’m so glad I asked this question, because now I’m dying to know: what could you possibly be worried about telling your hair person that they would cause– that they would cut off your ear?
Niki: Like my thoughts about suffrage.
Niki: Or like…
LB: What are your thoughts about suffrage?
John: Yeah, what are they?
Niki: Well, folks, thank you so much for listening [John laughs] to the program Friends Reunion. No, but I don’t know. It’s just like, I don’t know. There’s too many things that I don’t know about the guy who cuts my hair.
Niki: That I’m like, I don’t–
John: You could ask, though. You know what I mean?
Niki: Right, but I’m not particularly…I don’t know if I care.
John: You don’t care. Mm, okay.
LB: That makes sense.
Niki: I don’t know if I care, ’cause I’m not in there enough.
Niki: You know?
Niki: And like, and I’m not in there longer than like 30 minutes.
John: Mm. Right.
Niki: Like, this show doesn’t get good until like the 30th minute.
Niki: So like, you think that I’m gonna have a conversation with a guy that I only see once a month and that the conversation’s gonna be good in that 30 minutes? No way.
LB: It only takes 30 minutes?
John: Yeah, mine takes–
Niki: Well, yeah, ’cause they’re not doing that much.
John: Yeah. Mine takes about 35.
John: It’s great.
Niki: Well, it’s just ’cause there’s not–
LB: I miss getting my hair cut.
LB: I want to go back.
John: Well. When you had someone that did your hair, LB, were you a person that was telling them a lot of things?
LB: I mean, depends. It depends. If there’s– if it’s somebody like I was either going to regularly or…the thing is, for a while, I was getting my haircut by somebody who I like knew from work.
LB: Because he worked with me to save up enough money to like start his own salon.
John: Mm, mm-hmm.
LB: And we’d had a lot of long talks, and we like knew each other. And then I stopped going there, because it got inundated by like really boring…
Niki: Mm, boros.
LB: Like, just like the people who like, I just don’t want to be around. And like, the people who worked there were still really cool, but the clientele really changed, and I didn’t want to be there anymore ’cause it stressed me out. So then I…yeah. If it’s like a normal salon of like normal people and I don’t know them, I’m not gonna talk.
John: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
LB: But if it’s like somebody I know or a queer salon, then I will talk so much [John: “Okay”] and I will tell them everything about my life and myself [John: “Yeah, mm-hmm”] and my beliefs, and I’ll get them to tell me things, and then I’ll have opinions about things that I would never otherwise have opinions about, about their lives, and it would really– it’s really something. It’s, yeah. It’s like I’m another person.
LB: Right? I mean, that’s just the thing that happens sometimes.
John: Yeah. I think so.
LB: But it isn’t anyone.
LB: It has to–
John: Circumstances have to be right.
LB: There needs to be a certain like natural rapport.
LB: A certain, yeah. The circumstances have to be right. The vibe has to be right.
John: Okay. Fair enough. I don’t know. I don’t know what it is. If I see someone more than once, I just start to…I just tell them unbelievably…not like personal stuff, just like, hey, I’m having this thought about this thing, or, you know, like, I don’t know. It’s like, I’m like, I tell hair people a lot of things that I don’t even tell…yeah, like I tell my hair person when I kill someone. Yeah, that kind of thing.
John: I’m just kidding.
LB: So wait, are you talking about a conversation where it’s just you and the person cutting your hair and not everybody in the room?
John: No, I mean, sometimes other people join in, but it’s usually just my hair person and I.
LB: Like the last few times I’ve gone to get my hair cut, it was like just a whole…
John: It’s just a whole mess of people?
LB: It’s me and everyone there.
LB: Yeah, everyone’s just talking.
John: I don’t think I would do that. I don’t think I would…I don’t think I would feel as comfortable with that.
LB: Well, it wasn’t me being like, “Hey, everyone here, let me tell you about my life.” [John laughs] But it was like, you know, everyone’s just having a nice time talking about different things.
John: Right. Yeah. That’s fun.
LB: Or like, I’d start a conversation with just me and the person cutting my hair, and then everyone would join in, and we’d all do, you know, riff on it.
John: Mm. I like that.
LB: Ugh, I miss that. I want to go back to getting– I want to get my hair cut.
LB: That sounds so nice.
LB: My hair’s so long.
LB: You know my hair’s becoming curly?
John: Is it?
John: That’s cool.
LB: It’s weird.
John: Yeah. That’s exciting.
LB: Apparently it happens when you get older sometimes, your hormones change.
John: Yeah, I’m slowly going gray. I was blonde when I was a child, until I was–
LB: Well, that’s– everyone knows about that. Everyone knows about going gray, John.
John: Okay. I was blonde as a child until I was like 12, and then I went brown. That’s kind of weird.
LB: Sorry, Niki, that our podcast became boring [John: “Yeah”] ’cause we were talking about hair.
John: Sorry, Niki. Do you want to talk about Fortnite again? Sorry.
Niki: No, it’s fine.
John: You want to talk about Jimmy Carter dying?
Niki: No. We did that already, you know.
John: Could you dodge a shoe the way that Bush did?
Niki: Would I dodge a shoe the way Bush did?
John: No, could you. Could you, yeah.
Niki: Could I? Yes.
John: Okay. Like, how much lead time would you need? Like, how much more than Bush got?
LB: I’m very jumpy.
John: None? You could dodge it just…‘cause I wouldn’t. I’m like a goalie that dives away from the ball, you know what I mean?
Niki: Right. But I just…
Niki: I just think that–
LB: Right, which means that you would dive away from the shoe.
John: No, no, no. I would dive toward the shoe.
Niki: Towards the shoe.
John: Because you want to block the ball, and I’m saying I would do the opposite.
Niki: You would…yeah.
John: So I would probably dive right into the shoe, somehow.
LB: I would dive away from the ball and away from the shoe.
LB: I’m afraid of all projectiles.
Niki: See, I think that the only point against George W. Bush, [John: “Mm-hmm”] in his entire presidency…
John: Oh, the only one. Uh huh?
Niki: Yeah, is…
LB: The war crimes, the homophobia, the neglect of…oh, no?
John: Now, I can’t wait to hear Niki’s only…okay.
LB: What is it?
Niki: The only knock against him, right?
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Is that like, dodging a shoe is incredibly cool. Like, we all can agree.
John: Uh huh.
John: Are you about to make a Dodgeball joke?
Niki: No. What?
John: Okay. I thought you were gonna say–
Niki: Oh, like the motion picture?
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were gonna say…
Niki: No, I don’t know enough.
LB: Did they make a sequel equal to that? Sorry.
LB: They’re making a sequel to Dodgeball. Go ahead.
Niki: Dodgeball 2, yeah.
John: Are they really? Oh my God.
LB: Yeah. Ben needs the money to make, uh…
John: A Severance 2?
LB: More, you know, more Severance.
Niki: He was looking right at the guy who threw the shoe at him.
Niki: Which I think takes points…like at least a couple of points away.
LB: That’s what makes it easy. That’s why I know I could do it.
Niki: Yes. Because if you’re– if I’m looking into a group of people, and I see one person stand up, and I’m like, “What the fu–? Oh, he’s gonna pick up his shoe and throw it at me.” [John laughs] Like, that’s how long that’s gonna take, right? And then I just dodge or I go down, you know?
John: Uh huh.
LB: I could–
John: Yeah, I’d get absolutely pelted with the shoe. I would absolutely get hit.
LB: If I was facing that direction and as nervous as I always am when I’m addressing a group of people, especially a group of hostile people who I know don’t like me, I would be ready to…yeah.
LB: Anything that– honestly, like if somebody says, “Hey, catch this,” and they throw something at me, I’ll dodge it.
LB: I’ll flinch, ’cause I’m– that’s scary. I don’t like catching things.
LB: I don’t like it when things are thrown at me.
John: Fair enough.
LB: So yeah, I would do a really good job of it, I think. I wouldn’t put myself in that situation in the first place. [John laughs]
Niki: Yeah, I would never– I would never be president. [LB laughs]
John: I would never be–
LB: Well, I would never– I would be president, but I wouldn’t do all the crimes, you know? and the wars that he did that made him get a shoe thrown at him.
John: What would you– what would be the first thing you’d do if you were president?
Niki: Oh, the first thing I’d do when I’m president?
Niki: Like, generally?
John: Just like, what’s the first like– you think, “I’m the president. Now I’m gonna do this.”
Niki: I’m the president now.
Niki: I’d probably make the student debt go away. That’s probably my first one.
John: Okay, so, a real answer from Niki. What about you, LB?
LB: I would get like a crack team of great people.
John: Crack team of– okay, another real answer.
LB: And I’d be like, “Let’s get to work!”
John: You know what I would do?
LB: And then I would take a nap in the oval office.
John: That’s a good answer. You know what I would do?
John: I’d order Popeyes to be delivered to–
Niki: To the White House?
John: To the White House. That’s what I would do.
Niki: Okay, so, here’s the thing.
LB: To the whole White House, for everybody?
Niki: For everybody?
John: No, just for me.
Niki: Okay. Here’s the thing.
LB: What? Bad. You know, I’m not voting for you.
Niki: The one– I will say I–
John: That’s fine. A lot of other people did, so it’s fine.
Niki: You know what? I will say this.
Niki: I will say this.
Niki: Donald Trump, also a bad president. However, I respect his commitment to McDonald’s.
LB: How do you– what does that mean? Yeah, you can’t respect someone’s commitment to McDonald’s. McDonald’s is the easiest thing to be committed to in the world, because it’s everywhere.
Niki: No, but here’s the thing. It’s not literally in the White House.
Niki: So, he got McDonald’s like three to four times a week.
Niki: Which means that someone had to leave the White House, go–
LB: Do you have any idea how easy it is? I can– there’s no White House in my apartment, and yet I can still get McDonald’s three or four times a week, very easily.
John: Do you know how cold that McDonald’s has gotta be by the time it gets to the oval office?
Niki: That’s what I’m saying. It has to go through so many gates and doors. LB, when you go to the McDonald’s, you can start eating the fries in the car.
John: In the car.
LB: Right, but what if I don’t want to leave? I could still get it Uber Eats to me. Getting McDonald’s brought to you is one of the easiest things a person can do, is what I’m saying.
Niki: Right, but I think when you like drive into the White House–
LB: He doesn’t even need to use Uber Eats.
Niki: But when you have to drive into the White House, it’s like, of course they see Derek leave, but they’re like, they have to look at Derek again. They have to scan Derek’s ID.
Niki: Derek has to fucking fingerprint.
John: Derek’s gotta go through so many fucking…
Niki: They have to look at the McDonald’s and make sure [John: “Yeah”] that there’s no piss in it [John: “Mm-hmm”] or that it hasn’t been poisoned or whatever.
Niki: By the time you get the Big Mac, it’s cold.
John: It’s cold.
LB: Donald Trump is so used to that, because like he– anybody bringing him McDonald’s has to go through that, had to have gone– had to go through that probably before he was president, because he was Mr. Big Bucks.
Niki: But what I’m saying is that if–
LB: And hated by everyone for being a terrible person. [laughs]
John: Uh huh.
Niki: If I was president, I think I would close one of the restaurants in the White House [John: “Mm”] and make it a McDonald’s.
LB: What? Just go to McDonald’s.
John: No, but it’s–
LB: It’s incredibly easy!
Niki: I’m the president.
John: But it cold by the time it get to you.
LB: The ease of going to McDonald’s as the president is such a documented thing that it was an ongoing bit on Saturday Night Live in the nineties that Bill Clinton was constantly going to fucking McDonald’s!
Niki: I wasn’t alive.
LB: It’s very easy to go to McDonald’s if you’re the president! It’s documented!
John: Don’t you think it’s–
LB: I’m losing my mind about this!
Niki: What if it was easier?
John: Don’t you think it’s harder in 2022 than it would be in 1992?
Niki: Yeah, you can…they got guns everywhere now.
John: I mean, it’s 30 years later, you know?
LB: That’s true.
Niki: Plus the menu’s so much more complicated now.
John: So much more complicated.
LB: What are you…? What? [Niki laughs]
John: You couldn’t–
LB: What are you getting on the menu that’s different than it was in 1992?
John: Spicy chicken sandwich. A frappe. [Niki laughs] There’s so many different things on the menu. A strawberry cream pie.
Niki: The nuggets are spicy now, LB.
John: The nuggets are spicy.
LB: So you’re waiting until you get to McDonald’s to make that decision?
Niki: No, I get the same thing every time.
John: Yeah, I get the same thing every time. [Niki laughs]
LB: Exactly. Exactly. You know what you’re gonna get, and you can send an aide to go get it, and you know that they have ways to expedite the process.
Niki: But what I’m just– what I’m saying is what if I cut out the middleman of the aide, and I just put the McDonald’s–
LB: You can’t put a McDonald’s in the White House.
Niki: Says who?
John: Why not? Says who? Says who? Do you think Benjamin Franklin would throw a fucking fit? No.
Niki: Jimmy Carter’s wife built a bowling alley, ’cause she liked bowling.
LB: Yeah. She didn’t build a fucking specifically branded bowling alley making all the other bowling alleys your political enemy.
Niki: Well, okay. Well, what if it was like the McDonald’s in Russia now, where it’s McDonald’s but it’s not McDonald’s? Some guy just bought them.
LB: Do you think the Burger King isn’t gonna know about that and put all of his money into defeating you? [John laughs]
LB: You’re making enemies of Burger King, Dave Wendy’s, [Niki laughs] Taco Bell dog. What are the other…?
Niki: The Quiznos puppets.
John: The Quiznos puppets.
LB: Jack in the Box. The star from Carl’s Jr. [Niki laughs]
John: The Geico caveman.
LB: [laughs] Those aren’t fast foods.
Niki: The Carl’s Jr. star.
LB: Every fast food mascot is becoming your enemy.
Niki: Do you think–
LB: And they’re all gonna campaign against you, and they’re all gonna put their money behind your opponent when you run for reelection. It’s political suicide to put a McDonald’s in the White House.
John: Okay, so what about this? What if we put a full ass food court, then, in the White House?
Niki: Yeah. And then you can bid, and like, [John: “Oh, that’s so good”] it’s just like we just treat it like a mall.
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Niki: We treat it like a mall. So it’s like, we tell you how many slots there are, and like, listen, baby. That’s the free market, isn’t it?
John: Yep, free market.
Niki: That’s the free market.
LB: Okay, but who are you–
Niki: Exactly, Jordan. They’ll call it the national mall.
LB: This is great. I love this. This is, I think, the solution. So what do you want, like– okay, everyone’s bidding, but like, what are you hoping wins out?
Niki: Panda Express.
LB: Panda Express.
Niki: I’m hoping that Panda wins. I’m hoping McDonald’s wins.
John: I’m personally hoping for a Shake Shack and a Sharper Image.
Niki: And a Sharper Image?
LB: [laughs] And a Sharper Image in the food court?
Niki: Why do you need a Sharper Image?
John: Well, because I don’t need that–
LB: You want that thing to put on your neck to cool you down? [laughs]
John: Yeah, I don’t need that many food choices. Sometimes I just need a massage chair to eat my Panda Express in. Do you know what I mean? [LB and Niki laugh]
LB: Wait, doesn’t– does every– are you the only– is the president the only person who can access the food court?
LB: Or is it for everybody who works there?
Niki: I’m imagining it’s like 30 Rock, like the mall beneath 30 Rock.
John: [reluctantly] Fine. Fine.
Niki: The idea that they would have this staff–
John: Other people in the White House can use it.
Niki: Well, no, hold on, but the idea that they would staff an entire mall but only one guy could use it is pretty funny.
John: It is pretty funny.
Niki: Because like, those people could never see you. Ever.
John: Right. Yeah.
Niki: Like, there would be people on the shift who never would look at you.
LB: You’re gonna get overthrown if you do that.
Niki: Not me. Not me. I’ll never be president.
John: I think other people can use it, but only members of the president’s kind of like staff can run the stuff. So like, you would see like–
Niki: Oh my God, no, but then we would have to–
John: Secretary of State is doing the flat top at Whataburger.
LB: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Niki: Oh my God. You think–
LB: You’re saying that only people who work at the White House can work at the food court?
Niki: Oh my fucking God.
John: Yeah. Well, yeah, because it’s all franchised.
Niki: You think Pete Buttigieg is gonna be able to make the orange chicken good? No way!
John: Yeah, because it’s all franchised! It’s all franchised!
LB: [laughing] Pete Buttigieg is working at Panda Express.
John: Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yeah, no, are you kidding me? He’s already standing on top of Linguini’s head doing all the fucking stuff. [laughter] Like, of course he could do it. Of course he could do it.
Niki: Okay. Okay. So, okay. What? Okay.
John: Yeah, Pete–
Niki: Who’s the Secretary of State?
Niki: Does anyone know?
John: I couldn’t fucking tell you. How sad is that?
Niki: [laughs] Does…
John: [typing] Current Secretary of State.
Niki: Secretary of State. Who is that?
LB: I have no idea.
Niki: I have literally no clue.
LB: I have no idea.
John: Okay, all right.
Niki: Condoleezza Rice?
John: Yeah, no, don’t look it up. Don’t look it up. [LB and Niki laugh] Don’t look it up.
John: LB, who is it?
LB: So, it’s not Mayor Pete, ’cause he’s like transportation or something.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: He’s cars, yeah.
John: Uh huh.
LB: Is it somebody who ran for election, who ran for the presidential election?
Niki: And lost.
John: LB, I’ll tell you this. I’ve literally never fucking heard of this person. [Niki laughs]
LB: Well, then, how am I supposed to guess?
John: Because you know more than I do.
Niki: Oh, I think I know.
John: Okay, who do you– who is it?
Niki: Is it John Bolton?
John: Nope. It’s Antony Blinken.
Niki: Ah, fuck. Who?
John: Antony Blinken.
Niki: Who’s John Bolton? John…
LB: John Bolton is– I think he’s an ambassador to something, and he sucks.
John: That’s Roose Bolton.
Niki: John Bolton…
John: That’s Roose Bolton from Game of Thrones. Just kidding. Yeah, this is Antony Blinken. [LB laughs quietly]
Niki: Antony Blinken.
John: Antony Blinken.
Niki: I Googled John Bolton and the first headline is “John Bolton, quote, ‘Embarrassed at the Low Price’ for His Assassination.”
LB: [laughs] It’s a very good headline. [Niki laughs]
John: Oh my God. That’s very good. 10 dollars.
Niki: He wrote a book, I see.
LB: Honestly, like anyone would pay. Who wouldn’t pay to do it?
Niki: Who wouldn’t pay?
LB: Like, it’s not like you’re paying somebody else. It’s like, people are bidding for the honor of killing that guy who everyone hates.
Niki: [laughs] Yeah, it’s just a bunch of people who are dead sure that they could do it.
LB: People hate this guy, [Niki laughs] like, ’cause he sucks and no one likes him and he has a bad personality but also bad opinions.
John: [reading] “Blinken is Jewish. In 2002, Blinken and Evan Ryan were married in an interfaith ceremony officiated by a rabbi and a priest at Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Washington, D.C. They have two children.”
LB: Antony Blinken.
John: “Blinken is fluent in French and speaks without accent like a native speaker.”
Niki: Wow. Wow, white supremacy, huh?
John: “He plays guitar and has three songs available on Spotify [Niki, unimpressed: “Three?”] by the alias ABlinken [pronounced Abe Lincoln].”
Niki: Okay. Hey, hold on one second.
Niki: Oh, that’s pretty good though. That’s funny. I’ve come back around. That’s good.
John: Three songs available on Spotify, so you can go listen.
Niki: ABlinken is good.
John: You can go listen to Antony Blinken’s music, the Secretary of State. And also you can have Antony Blinken’s orange chicken in the White House, ’cause he runs the…
Niki: The Panda Express.
John: He runs the Panda Express there.
Niki: Do you think Ben Carson—may he rest in peace—do you think–
John: Now, now, wait. Wait.
John: Wait a second. Wait a second. [typing]
Niki: Yeah, that guy’s dead.
John: Wait a second.
LB: Yeah, he did die of COVID.
Niki: That guy beefed it! He’s dead!
John: Wait a second. No, no, no. Wait a second, y’all. Wait a second. You’re thinking– no, you’re not. You’re not thinking of Ben Carson, Niki.
Niki: [laughs] Who am I thinking about?
John: You’re– [laughs]
Niki: Herman Cain! [laughs]
John: You’re thinking of Herman Cain. Okay.
Niki: Ah, Ben Carson’s still alive.
John: I was like, Ben Carson is still alive.
LB: Oh no.
Niki: Transplants the brain of a rat into another guy.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Herman Cain Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan guy.
John: Uh huh. Yes.
LB: Wait, who’s Ben Carson?
John: He’s the doctor guy.
LB: I thought he died.
Niki: He did the first…
Niki: No, that was Herman Cain.
John: That’s Herman Cain.
Niki: The other Black one.
LB: But I thought the doctor guy died.
John: No, Ben Carson’s still alive.
Niki: He’s gonna do brain surgery on himself so he’ll never die.
LB: I’m a racist. I’m a racist, it turns out.
Niki: Well, I’m also racist.
LB: You were racist first and paved the way for me to be a racist. [Niki laughs]
John: Yeah, I mean, I’m proudly standing as the only non-racist on this podcast.
LB: Okay, but this just means not only am I racist, like, I couldn’t– [Niki laughs] like I stole being racist from a Black person.
John: Uh huh. Right. [Niki laughs]
LB: I appropriated your racism for myself.
John: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
LB: I’m like Elvis of being racist against Ben Carson and Herman Cain.
Niki: He’s whiiite.
John: [simultaneously] He’s white? [all laugh]
LB: Yeah, like Elvis, in that sense. We should watch that movie, by the way.
John: We really should.
Niki: I thought that– the first time I saw that clip on the timeline, I thought it was from Nope. [John laughs]
LB: ‘Cause of the big cowboy hat?
Niki: Because I haven’t seen Nope yet, [LB laughs, “Me neither”] and the clip didn’t say Elvis in it; it was shorter. And then I was like, wait, Tom Hanks is in Nope?
John: Oh my God.
Niki: I was like, I didn’t see that at all. And then I realized that it was from the Elvis movie.
John: That’s incredible.
Niki: But it looks exactly like it’s from Nope.
John: God, it’s so funny that y’all both thought Herman Cain was Ben Carson. [Niki laughs]
LB: I’m really sorry, everybody.
Niki: I’m not.
LB: I’m sorry. Well, I have to be sorry, because I fucked up really badly.
John: Now, which one was into the–
LB: For you, it was like when I thought that the Pope and Anthony Fauci looked the same. It’s not a big deal.
John: Now, which one talked about Pokémon?
Niki: That was Herman Cain.
John: Yes, it was.
LB: What’d he say? Who’s his favorite Pokémon?
John: I don’t remember what he said, but I remember him talking about Pokémon.
Niki: [typing] Herman Cain Pokémon.
John: [singing] Pokémon.
LB: Hey, you know what I do need to apologize for?
John: Yeah, what’s up?
LB: In addition to being racist just now?
Niki: Mm-hmm. Sure.
LB: I was so wrong about applesauce, and I know I’ve like amended [John: “Wow”] my statement on it before, but I need to like reiterate how good applesauce is.
LB: Last night I was like, oh, I really like want a snack, but ah, it’s too late for me to have like, you know, anything like big. It’s gonna give me indigestion. Then I realize like, you know what would be perfect? Just like a little cup of applesauce, and I had some, and it hit the spot.
Niki: A cuppa?
John: Little cuppa?
Niki: A cuppa.
LB: Ronnie called it the sauce.
Niki: The sauce.
LB: And then he says everyone– [laughs] he goes, “Everyone calls it the sauce.”
Niki: Everyone calls it the sauce.
John: Everybody calls it the sauce.
LB: [laughing] Everyone’s calling it the sauce! He goes, “The sauce! That’s what everyone calls it now.”
John: That’s incredible. It’s True.
LB: Very funny.
John: Robbie’s right. That’s what we do call it, in the industry, the sauce industry.
Niki: The sindustry.
LB: Whatever happened to our alcoholic applesauce idea?
John: Oh my God. I don’t know, but we should get back on that trolley though, huh?
LB: We contacted Mott’s, right?
John: [laughs] I don’t think so.
LB: Oh, we didn’t?
Niki: I mean, I think I just tweeted at them. [typing] From @godsewa, @motts. On February 24, I tweeted, “If you know anybody who works in food (corporate), please connect me with them, because I have a $1.45 million idea.” Wait, hold on. One minute later: “@keurig @drepper, please.” [LB laughs]
John: Oh my God.
Niki: Four minutes later: “@motts, please open your DMs.” [LB and John laugh] Oh fuck, their DMs are open now!
John: Holy shit. Let’s go.
LB: Yes! DM them, DM them!
Niki: Wait, I don’t remember what the idea was, though.
LB: We put alcohol in applesauce.
John: We put alcohol in applesauce.
Niki: Oh, okay. [typing] Hey, comma, first time, long time. I have an idea. What if you put alcohol in the applesauce? You would then be able–
LB: Special and market it for adults.
Niki: Yeah. [typing] You would then be able to market it to adults. It will be the biggest thing of summer ‘23, exclamation point.
LB: I’m so glad you said that, ’cause that’s what I was gonna tell you to say, and then you already said it.
John: Yeah, you nailed it.
Niki: [typing] Please let me know when we can speak about this. My schedule is pretty open for the next few weeks.
John: I’m glad you specified for the next few weeks.
Niki: Okay. So I’ve DMed them.
John: Kind of give them like a feeling that like, okay, it might– in a few weeks, it might go away, you know?
Niki: Well, I mean, I’m going on vacation in the middle of September, so.
John: Right, right, right, right, right. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Niki: I just want to make sure that–
LB: Where are you going?
Niki: I don’t know yet, but I just want to make sure that they’re…that like, we’ve gotten– we’ve laid the groundwork, you know?
LB: You should go apple picking.
LB: You should go apple picking in September.
Niki: Apple picking.
LB: Like fall activity, you know? People do that in New England. And then you can take pictures and then send them to Mott’s and be like, “I’m doing really good research.” [laughs]
John: I’m doing research, yeah!
Niki: Look, I’m doing research.
LB: I’m on the– I’ve got boots on the ground research. I can’t wait to talk.
Niki: Now, here’s something very interesting.
Niki: The last tweet that Mott’s did [LB: “Mm-hmm”] was on July 1.
Niki: They teamed up with Crayola to create the, quote, “ultimate design contest,” where your dumbass kid can draw some shit and it’ll be on the box or whatever. The last tweet before that was on December 15, 2021.
LB: Do you think they’re maybe not checking their DMs too often?
John: So you think they’re maybe not checking ’em, huh?
Niki: I don’t know.
Niki: They might not get around to it for another four months, I guess.
LB: Well, we do need to get it started now to get it ready for summer ‘23 is the problem. Like, it does take a while to…
John: It does take a while. The things need to be in place. Yeah. The ramp up is big for something like this.
Niki: Can I read you another tweet?
John: Yeah, of course.
Niki: “The people (that’s you) have spoken, and we’ve been blown away by all of the great ideas about what we should do with the last 912 Choco Tacos. Have no fear.” [Niki and John laugh]
John: Like, what could the possibilities be?
Niki: [laughs] What are– there are one, two, three, four, five tweets promoting this event of–
LB: What is the event? What are they do– are they giving them, is it a contest? How do I get ’em?
John: They’re just shooting the Choco Tacos out of a cannon.
LB: Into my mouth? [quietly] That’s gonna be hard for me.
Niki: Here’s the rich lore. I want to address the– this is a picture of a Choco Taco in front of a podium with a bunch of microphones.
LB: Why don’t they just not stop making them? And why don’t they just keep making Choco Tacos and we don’t have to do this?
Niki: “I want to address the rumors: I’m really being discontinued, it’s not a PR stunt. I knew you loved me, but not THIS much. While I reflect on this outpouring of support, we are discussing next steps, including what to do with the last 912 tacos at headquarters. Stay tuned.” Now, okay.
John: Stay tuned.
Niki: Now, here’s– now, how– okay. There are 912 remaining Choco Tacos, allegedly.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: How many likes do you think this tweet got?
LB: 912. 500. 20,000. I don’t know. [John laughs] I’m bad at numbers.
Niki: [laughs] Just pick one.
Niki: Okay. John?
Niki: Jordan says eight. The correct answer is 901.
John: Oh my God.
Niki: So they could give every single person who liked the tweet a Choco Taco, and they’d still have them left over.
John: Oh my God.
LB: I want one!
Niki: So like the tweet.
John: Yeah, just like the tweet. I mean…
LB: Where is it? Choco Taco?
Niki: It’s @klondikebar. [singing] What would you dooo?
Niki: For a Klondike Bar.
John: Waa, Klondike Bar.
Niki: Did you see that Oreo took their license away from ice cream and now they make their own ice cream?
LB: I’ve blocked Klondike.
John: I knew that.
Niki: You blocked– now… [laughs]
John: No, you didn’t.
LB: I did. [laughs] I literally have them blocked.
John: You did? Why?
LB: Yeah, they must have been advertising too much.
Niki: They must have fed you an ad, right?
Niki: Like, at some point? That’s really funny.
LB: They must’ve, yeah. So I can’t. [Niki laughs] I’d have to unblock, and I don’t want to.
John: God, that’s incredible.
Niki: I wish– is there a list where you can see which accounts you have, which brand accounts you have blocked?
LB: I think it would just be all the accounts you have blocked.
John: Yeah, I don’t know if you can sort it by brand account.
Niki: Mute and block, blocked accounts. Okay. I have…let’s see if there’s anything good in here.
LB: Where’s blocked accounts?
Niki: I have Gener Mart??? blocked. This place sells products for picnics, outdoor activities, and everyday use products.
John: Wow, what did they do?
Niki: I don’t know. I blocked a bunch of prescription drugs.
John: Yeah. I mean, that’s fair.
Niki: I blocked the Twitter account for Human Resources, the spinoff of Big Mouth on Netflix.
John: There’s a spinoff of Big Mouth?
John: Ugh, my God.
Niki: I have PUBG Mobile blocked. [laughter] I have, uh…Perez Hilton blocked.
Niki: Tech Insider. Dubai. [laughs quietly]
John: You have Dubai blocked?
LB: The country?
Niki: I have the Dubai like travel tourism account blocked.
LB: I don’t think this is right, ’cause I don’t see Klondike on my list.
LB: I don’t think this is a complete list.
Niki: I’ve blocked Flo from Progressive.
LB: That’s good.
John: Yeah, but that’s– yeah, that’s fair enough, though.
LB: Progressive advertises way too much.
Niki: And Slim Jim.
John: Mm. I’ve never thought–
Niki: The Duolingo owl is blocked.
LB: Uber Eats, Art or Not, Art Decider.
John: I’ve never thought that Slim Jim in 2022 advertises enough to be blocked.
LB: Disney Plus, Good Boys the movie. [Niki laughs]
John: “Good Boys the movie” is very funny. [LB laughs] That’s very funny.
LB: Am I the Asshole, State of Survival official, Fastic, Project Makeover, Puzzles and Survival, Owl NFT.
Niki: [laughs] What’s Puzzle and Survivor? Owl NFT?
LB: It’s some stupid mobile game that I think advertised too much, and it made me annoyed.
John: All right, privacy and safety. Let’s see.
Niki: I have Dos Equis blocked, the California lottery, Warner Brothers Discovery, the United States Marine Corps. [laughs]
LB: I don’t think this is a complete list. Where’s my full list?
Niki: Damn. A lot of fucking bangers. Good accounts, maybe, that I– should I reconsider? Should I unblock all of these people and see if my timeline gets better?
John: Oh, there’s no way it gets better.
LB: There’s no– it doesn’t get better.
Niki: So wait, you’re saying that if I unblock the entirety of the Barstool Media Group…
John: Oh, Christ.
Niki: That my timeline will get worse.
Niki: I see.
LB: I should block those people too.
John: I mean, the ones I’ve– I have like Breitbart blocked.
John: But that’s not like a…
Niki: I have a super follow for that account.
John: Oh, that’s cool.
Niki: That’s what it says here. [laughs]
John: Oh, that’s cool. Good. I don’t know. I have someone who’s an anti-alcohol activist blocked.
John: Never heard of this person.
Niki: Wow, John.
John: Never heard of them.
Niki: He was like, you have some ideas, huh?
John: I mean, I don’t have that, but I’m just looking at my block list. I know I used someone’s general block list a long time ago, so I have no idea who any of these people are.
Niki: Mm. I have Gal Gadot blocked. And Billy Jean King? Why did I block Billy Jean King?
John: That’s really funny to me. [Niki laughs]
LB: I have some– I guess I reported somebody who took my picture and is using it as their avatar from like 2014, 2015, and reported them and blocked them, and they’re still on here. Their account didn’t get taken down.
Niki: Wow. Wait.
LB: So it’s still just my picture, this very old picture of me.
Niki: Wait, so they didn’t do anything?
LB: No, they didn’t do anything. [LB and Niki laugh] They did not stop this person from using a picture of me as their avatar.
John: They didn’t stop this person, huh? Wow.
LB: [sarcastic] Shocking. Who’s this?
John: My block list is really, really long. Anyway, we should…
LB: Finish podcast?
John: I did block John Legere, the T-Mobile guy.
Niki: Oh, the T-Mobile guy. Fuck that dude.
LB: He goes– he does too– yeah, I probably have– I can’t believe they don’t have my full block list on here. [laughs] I’m annoyed.
Niki: God, remember when he was fucking everywhere?
Niki: He was like famous somehow. Isn’t–
LB: [sighs] Yeah.
Niki: We let the president of a fucking mobile company [John: “Get famous”] be like on TV and stuff.
Niki: That’s nuts.
John: Folks, this has been a good episode of this show. Thanks for having me back. I’m gonna go lay down.
Niki: You should do that.
John: I don’t want to get the long…
LB: Oh yeah, please go lie down.
John: I don’t want to get the long version of this disease, you know?
John: You know?
LB: Thanks for doing this show with us, even though you’re sick and you shouldn’t have done it.
John: No, it’s okay.
Niki: Thank you for your service.
John: I wanted to. I missed you all.
LB: Thank you for your service.
John: I wanted to do this show.
LB: What should we rename this show?
John: Yeah, what should we rename it?
LB: Tell us on Discord.
John: Yeah. Go to discord.com– nope. fanbyte.casa.
John: That’s our Discord.
LB: That’s our Discord.
John: And yeah, let us know what we should name the show. That’d be great. You know what, folks? You know, let’s say Niki, do you want to take us out of this one?
Niki: Sure. About as easy as dessert gets. Add a dash of cinnamon and replace the cream with buttermilk, because buttermilk makes everything better. Served it to my foodie pals with local vanilla ice cream. Everyone loved it. I have a dozen cobbler recipes. This one is now number one. Jeff Last.
John: Now, what the fuck was the buttermilk? [Niki laughs]
LB: What was that?