On this week’s episode of Friends Reunion (a Podcast for Discerning Listeners™), the Fanbyte Thinktank has travel on the brain. LB, for their part, has taken a trip to the International Space Vacation Station, leaving Niki Grayson and John Warren behind to plan John’s rapidly approaching cruise to Alaska on their own.
But first, Niki decides to outline their plan for a new airline, “Pan-Am 2,” which is like the airport lounge, but inside of a plane. It also maybe has regular seating too. Or maybe there are two separate floors — it’s unclear.
What is clear is that smoking is allowed again and that none of the flights offered by Pan-Am 2 are under five hours in length. Depending on your flight, you might be lucky enough to end up in one of Pan-Am 2’s smallest aircraft, which features a unique catty-corner seating arrangement to help decrease the odds of COVID-19 infection. (Masks aren’t mandatory because, again, smoking is back, baby. How are you gonna smoke through a mask, smart guy?)
John and Niki also discover some fascinating facts about cruise ships, more of which involve the word “morgue” than you would ever imagine — or, certainly, hope for. The phrase “billion gallons of sewage” also comes up, and you’ll never guess what they do with all that stuff.
More normal (read: boring) information, such as the average cruise ship’s top speed and fuel efficiency, is also covered. However, it’s quickly discarded in favor of a plan for getting free extra time on the boat by making false accusations of COVID-19 infection.
Friends Reunion Ep. 125: The Sea Morgue Transcript
Transcribed by E. Powers
John: Hello, everyone. Welcome to Friends Reunion, a podcast for discerning listeners. I am one of your hosts, I’m John Warren. I’ve also got Niki Grayson here.
Niki: Bwwoooooonnnnngg mmmmmmm.
John: Oh my God. Wait, hold on. I thought Niki was here, but really Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack to any Christopher Nolan movie is here.
Niki: [laughs] Bwaaaaaaaaaaa.
Niki: That’s right. I’m a boat.
John: Oh, you’re a boat! Oh, you’re a boat.
Niki: Yeah, I’m a cruise ship, John.
John: Oh, wow. I’m about to board you.
Niki: Uh…uh…so, where are you going on the boat, John? [both laugh]
John: And first of all, LB’s on the international space station. We miss you, LB!
Niki: Wherever you are.
John: Wherever you are, getting the spaceship ready for me, ’cause I’m both going on the space station next week and going on a cruise to Alaska.
Niki: Yeah. When I say that like spaceships are boats, like, I mean it as like a, like in the…
John: You mean literally.
Niki: Like all things are boats. Well, no, I don’t mean it literally, but like, you’re taking it literally.
John: All critters are weird dogs, and all objects are boats.
Niki: Yes. Well, all like vessels are boats, right?
John: All vessels are boats.
Niki: ‘Cause like the word vessel comes from boat, which does, yes, mean that I believe that cups are boats fundamentally.
John: I mean, they are for like a chipmunk or something.
Niki: They’re boats for water. Exactly.
Niki: So you’re going up to the coldest state in the Union.
John: I’m going up to the coldest state. I’ve never been to Alaska before. My wife and I are going on a cruise, and we’ll get monkeypox and COVID.
Niki: Yeah, a two for one special.
Niki: Thanks, Carnival Cruise, or whichever one you’re going on.
John: It doesn’t matter. They’re all the same.
Niki: They’re all the same. I actually think there might only be three of them and then they own the rest of them, you know?
John: Yeah, I think that’s true.
Niki: Like a…
John: Like Taco Bell or whatever.
Niki: Isn’t it– like a Taco Bell, but isn’t it weird that…and this is probably because of regulation. I don’t know the history of American airlines. Not the brand American Airlines, but American…
John: Not the brand American Airlines, but airlines in America?
Niki: Yeah. But there are a lot of those. Isn’t that wild?
John: There are a lot of those, yeah. There used to be more, though.
Niki: Yeah, there did used to be more.
John: Like Pan Am was good. Alaska Air is great, though.
Niki: From Cyberpunk?
John: Yeah, Panam from Cyberpunk was an airline.
Niki: Is Pan Am the one that they had the TV show on ABC about where all of the people looked really cool?
John: That’s it.
Niki: And then they built a hotel inside of the airport?
John: That’s it.
Niki: Why did they shut down? That seems like a pretty easy…
John: Why did that show shut down?
John: Oh. [laughs]
Niki: No, the airline. [laughs]
John: I was like, it wasn’t good. No one watched it.
Niki: No, no, no, the airline.
John: Oh, well, let’s do a little bit of a Google. [typing] Pan…
Niki: I just feel like, I feel like that’s like…you could do that again now.
John: I would– wait, I would do what again now?
Niki: Pan Am 2.
John: Oh, just make Pan Am 2?
Niki: Yeah. Just like, I don’t…I don’t see– like people I would– yeah, what?
John: You just want to start Pan Am 2?
Niki: Yeah, I just think that like the appeal of an airplane, but what if it didn’t suck? I think is a pretty good idea still.
John: Well, if they didn’t suck, why did they close?
Niki: I think like– oh, well, I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.
John: They declared bankruptcy in 1991. I know they got– they did get a hijacking once, I believe.
John: But you know what? That was kind of like a rampant thing at some point.
Niki: That was like the eighties, though. Yeah, like that shit happened.
John: That was like the seventies and eighties, yeah.
Niki: You couldn’t get on a plane without getting hijacked, you know?
John: Right, right. Right, right, right. No, okay. So you want to start Pan Am 2.
Niki: Yeah, and it’s just like, what if the airplanes were nice?
John: Like, how nice? Like, what do you want on an airplane?
Niki: Um, tables and benches.
Niki: Like, I don’t think the…I don’t think the airplane has traditional seats.
Niki: I think it’s like, it kind of looks like an airport lounge.
Niki: But in the sky.
John: So some– okay.
Niki: Or, or half of the plane is that lounge area, and then the other half is seats, you know?
John: Mm. Okay.
Niki: Or it’s a– they got planes that got two floors. You could put one– total one half of it is lounge, right? It’s in the front of the plane, and then the back of the plane is where you sit.
Niki: But then they’ve got like benches, and like a person will bring you food. You can smoke. [laughs]
John: So you would bring back smoking.
Niki: Yeah, I’d bring back smoking.
John: You would bring back smoking.
Niki: I think that like all of the–
John: I tell you what, you would be very popular with a certain kind of person.
Niki: Yeah. I think that’s great. Listen, all I care is that the money gets into my account. I don’t know how. But here’s the thing. If we also like provide fine china and stuff on the plane, people will also want to be on the plane too, ’cause it’ll be like they’re on the ground.
John: Wow. How much of a ticket is one of these? Like, let’s say I’m going from LA to like Salt Lake City. How much is a ticket for that?
Niki: We don’t fly that close.
John: Okay. So it’s only like, [Niki: “Like, we go…”] New York to LA?
Niki: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We cross the country. No flights shorter than five hours long.
John: No– [laughs] Okay, that’s the– write it down. That’s the slogan right there. “No flights shorter than five hours long.”
Niki: [laughs] We have like tiny planes, [John: “Uh huh”] that like, if you’re trying to get from like New York to DC or whatever, it’s got like eight seats on it and two benches.
Niki: But you still have all the fine china and stuff.
John: Are any of the seats sitting backwards like you’re in the back of a station wagon?
Niki: Yes. Some of them are, yes.
Niki: But it doesn’t really– it doesn’t really make sense which ones are and which ones aren’t.
John: It’s just kind of random?
Niki: Yeah, there’s kind of like, we’ve got a couple of quadrants of seats where two of them kitty corner are facing one way, and then the other two kitty corner are facing the other way. So it’s not like you can actually make eye contact with anybody directly across from you, because you can’t see them, ’cause you’re facing the opposite direction from them.
Niki: But this is for COVID purposes.
John: That’s– okay, so that is just for COVID. So no masking on the plane is what you’re saying.
Niki: Well, no. How are you gonna smoke through the mask? [both laugh]
John: You’re like, “You idiot. You forgot the key part.”
Niki: Smoking is required. [laughs]
John: “Everyone is chain smoking. Come on.”
Niki: Smoking is back. Anyway, I don’t think this would work. What if the whole front of the airplane was real beds, though?
John: Real beds.
Niki: Yeah, like actual beds.
John: So like, okay. So…okay. Hmm. Like, are we talking queen, king, twin?
Niki: Yeah, how many of those– I think it’s like full mattress, full beds.
John: So full mattress, okay. Tough fit.
Niki: The folding ones from Tempur-Pedic, those are like rated for airplanes crash safety, right? They’re pretty soft. [John laughs] Put the machine underneath folded up as your seat, seatbelt in there…
John: I just want to be…I want to find this job so bad. The “let’s crash a plane and test the mattress.” [Niki laughs] Test the mattress. That’s what we want to do.
Niki: Yeah. Like how do they…I mean, I guess they had to do that, ’cause they do have lie flat beds in some airplanes.
Niki: Hey, do they crash test airplanes?
John: Do they crash test airplanes? That’s also a question I just had.
Niki: Do they crash–
John: Do they just kind of–
Niki: [typing] Do they crash test planes.
John: [typing] Do they crash test planes?
Niki: Um, Controlled Impact Demonstration. Okay, so they blew up one plane one time. That’s what the picture is on Wikipedia.
John: Wow, yeah, huh?
Niki: It looks pretty sick, though.
John: That does look pretty sick.
Niki: And no, this is the– they’ve only crashed one plane ever on purpose.
John: [laughs] Wait. “The Controlled Impact Demonstration, or colloquially the Crash in the Desert.” [Niki laughs] It’s like, okay, yeah, let’s name this after a fucking pay per view from a–
John: A wrestling pay per view.
Niki: Okay, but if they were like, “It’s $60. You get to watch the plane crash.”
John: Oh, I’m in.
Niki: Would you not go?
Niki: I’m absolutely going!
John: Yeah, you put Excalibur and Tony Schiavone at a table [Niki laughs] and they fucking walk me through Crash in the Desert? Absolutely. Absolutely!
Niki: Yeah, I’m going. Huh. So, I guess they only crash tested one plane once.
Niki: In 1984.
John: So they– so besides that, then…
Niki: They’re just–
John: I mean, I also agree with Jordan. That can’t be right. There’s no way that this is the only time they’ve ever decided to crash test a plane, but like…
Niki: But then, but like, we would know about it though.
John: I guess.
Niki: Like, every person– we wouldn’t be asking the question, “Do they crash test planes?” if we knew–
John: Yeah, because they would be– you know what, you’re right. Because they would be doing what you just said and said, “All right, we’re gonna crash a plane on purpose. Who wants to buy tickets to it?”
John: They would.
Niki: Or what if they only had to crash like a couple of planes, and then Boeing is like, “Well, fundamentally, this plane is a Boeing 747. We just put some extra wheels on it.” Okay. Uhhh, Jordan has linked to the 2012 Boeing 727 crash.
John: Okay. This exercise was filmed.
Niki: But this is for TV.
John: Yeah, this exercise was filmed for television!
Niki: This was operated by the Discovery Channel.
Niki: The Discovery Channel did this. “The site in Mexico was chosen because authorities in the United States would not allow the test to take place.”
Niki: An idea so good they said, “You can’t do it here.”
Niki: Drops a what full of dummies? [John laughs] A fucker. F28 transport aircraft. But that doesn’t count either! They just dropped some shit on top of– I don’t think they’ve ever crash tested a plane.
Niki: If you know if they’ve crash tested a plane, let me know. But you know what else they don’t crash test?
Niki: Cruise ships.
John: They don’t, yeah! [both laugh] Yeah, they have just the data from the one in the Titanic, and they’re like, eh, it’s fine.
Niki: Yeah, they were just like, don’t do that one again.
John: Just don’t do that one again.
Niki: Don’t hit an iceberg.
John: When you see an iceberg, fucking move.
Niki: Yeah, move.
John: Just move.
Niki: Or like tell somebody about it.
John: Yeah. God, that’s– I mean, it’s so fu– I mean, it’s not funny, but it is so fucking funny.
Niki: No, it is objectively funny. Yeah, it’s so funny.
John: Like, just be like, “We’re the ship of dreams!”
John: “We’re never gonna die! Come on the Titanic!” [Niki laughs] Oh, what took it down? Captains ran into the biggest fucking thing that was in the ocean around that part, just ran right into it. No, so yeah, I’m going on a cruise. Not a great time to do that, but you know what, what would be?
Niki: You know what, I think it’s fine, honestly.
John: Yeah? All right.
Niki: I think it’s fine. You’re not– like, it’s fine.
John: Mm, okay.
Niki: You know?
John: All right.
Niki: What’s the worst that could happen?
John: Don’t say that!
Niki: The worst thing– no, no, no, listen! [laughs]
John: Don’t say that!
Niki: The worst that could happen is that, what, you get a few extra days on the plane? [John laughs] Or on the boat?
John: On the ship? Okay.
Niki: You get to still like enjoy the balcony and stuff, probably.
John: Yeah, I’ll have a little balcony. Yeah, but Jordan raises a good question. What about– what if the Alaskan Killer Bigfoot gets on board? What if that happens?
Niki: Well, they– I don’t think that guy can swim well.
John: Well, yeah, but there’s just a– but no, but there’s just a–
Niki: Also, Jefferson Davis from the past is in this movie?
John: But there’s just a gangway. He can just board it, you know?
Niki: Well, no. When you get COVID on the butt– on the–
John: On the butt?
Niki: On the butt. No, on the– what’s it called? On the boat.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: They don’t let you come home. You have to wait.
John: You have to wait.
Niki: You have to wait.
Niki: So I don’t think Bigfoot can swim that far. Plus, once he got to the boat, who’s gonna– are you gonna let Bigfoot in?
John: See, but now I’m terrified, because like, okay, so let’s say I get it, and then I can’t leave.
John: Am I just going on second cruise? Or…
Niki: Well, you? No.
Niki: You’re not going on the second cruise.
Niki: Everyone else on the boat does get a free cruise. So actually, you should probably hope that one person gets COVID.
Niki: Because then you you get a second free cruise.
Niki: For the interrupted cruise that you had when someone got COVID.
John: Well, I didn’t– the first cruise wasn’t free. I’ll say that. But yeah, I’ll get a second one.
Niki: Yeah, but the second one is free.
John: Gotcha. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
Niki: ‘Cause like, you got to enjoy– you get to enjoy two cruises.
Niki: ‘Cause they’re like, “Oh, we’re so sorry. Please don’t sue us. Please take this cruise.”
John: So this is a great idea.
Niki: Yeah, just get COVID. Not you.
John: Not you. Right.
Niki: But have someone else get COVID.
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s not in–
Niki: What if you just say that someone you know has COVID?
John: On the boat? Like I just– [laughs]
Niki: On the boat– [laughs]
John: Like I just accuse someone randomly of having it?
Niki: Yeah, like…
John: Oh my God.
Niki: Like Among Us. [John laughs] You just say that like you think housekeeping is sus, and I think that they all have COVID. And then you get an extra three days on the cruise. I think that’s how that works.
John: [laughs] I don’t know. Yeah, we could– I could– yeah, I gotta work on my like accusatory skills.
Niki: Yeah. How fast do you think boat go?
John: Mm…well, they measure that in like knots or something, right?
Niki: You can give me miles an hour.
Niki: ‘Cause I had to do the conversion, because I don’t know what– I didn’t know what a knot was.
John: Uh, the top– like a top speed of a large cruise liner?
Niki: Or not the top speed, the average speed.
John: Average speed of a cruise liner. I’m gonna say 35 miles an hour.
Niki: 23 miles an hour.
John: Whoa! Okay.
Niki: 50,000 horsepower.
Niki: 50,000 horse–
John: That’s a lot of horses.
Niki: 50,000 horses inside of the butt of the boat, and they can only go 23 miles an hour.
John: Wow. Water hard to move in.
Niki: Water heavy!
John: Water heavy.
Niki: Also, you know, what else heavy? Boat. [laughs]
John: Boat heavy also, yeah.
Niki: Boat really heavy.
John: Water heavy, boat heavy.
Niki: Are there gonna be more than 50 people on this cruise ship?
John: Oh, yes.
Niki: Okay, I have great news.
Niki: ‘Cause that means legally there has to be a hospital on the boat.
John: Oh, okay. Cool.
Niki: In addition to the hospital, many ships have onboard morgues.
John: Oh, well, I’m like less… [Niki laughs] I’m like less psyched about that. Do you want to tell me anything that makes me feel better about that? Or just, do you want to–
Niki: Uh, sure.
John: Are there more morgue facts for me?
Niki: No, there are no more morgue facts.
John: ‘Cause now what’s gonna happen though, Niki, is that I will be on the lookout for the morgue.
Niki: [laughs] Yeah, for the morgue.
John: And I’ll be like, where is it?
Niki: It’s probably in the basement, though.
John: Yeah, maybe.
Niki: It’s probably at the bottom, ’cause where all the people sleep.
John: Yeah, but you know what happens to people in wheelchairs sometimes? Sometimes they gotta go through like weird elevators and paths to get there. So.
Niki: Ah, so you think you’ll– you think there’s a–
John: There’s an elevator…
Niki: There’s a door in the bowels of this ship [both laugh] that if you get in the elevator, and it’s like, “1, 3, 5, 7,” and then the last one says, “Morgue.”
John: Morgue. Yeah. [Niki laughs] No, I love the idea more that they’re just like, “Well, you can go around the entire perimeter of the ship, but honestly, it’s just gonna be faster if you go through the morgue in the middle of the ship.” [both laugh] And they’re just like, they’re dead serious. And they’re like, “Listen, you’re probably not gonna see anything.” [Niki laughs] And then I’ve just gotta go through the morgue.
Niki: Yeah, we clean it out every time, and it’s the first day of the cruise. [both laugh]
John: Listen, if you open the door and it smells like Febreze, you’re good. [Niki laughs] If you open the door and it doesn’t, close your eyes and then go through. I think that would be…I think that would be good.
Niki: This is, uh, a fun fact.
John: Uh huh?
Niki: Half of all cruise passengers ever…
John: [laughs] Okay.
Niki: Reside in North America.
John: Oh, wow. That’s…ugh. That’s tough.
Niki: So 50% of every person who’s ever been on a cruise [John: “So this is a uniquely…”] is from Canada, Mexico, or the US.
John: Just kind of a uniquely Western shitty thing to do.
Niki: Yes. Yes, yes.
Niki: Here’s another one for you.
John: Okay. [singing] Hit me with your best shot.
Niki: A large cruise ship can hold between one and two million gallons of fuel.
John: Yeah. Yeah, I did–
Niki: Do you have any questions about the MPG of this bad boy?
John: Oh… [both laugh] Oh. Yeah, I’m gonna say something like one and a half.
Niki: It is 0.004 miles to the gallon.
John: Yeah. Wow. So, what you’re telling me also is that this is a hugely wasteful thing to do.
Niki: Well, no, it’s not like…it’s not like…it’s not like one study found in 2014 that cruise ships dumped more than one billion gallons of sewage directly into the ocean. [both laugh]
Niki: Or like, or that the average cruise ship produces between 140 and 210,000 [John: “Ugh, ugh”] gallons of sewage a week.
John: Okay. Okay.
Niki: It’s gotta go somewhere.
John: It’s gotta go somewhere.
Niki: They can’t take it off the boat.
John: I did watch like a…I don’t remember what it was called, but it was on like, I think it was on Netflix, and it’s like the life of a ship. And it was like just a week, like what a week is like on a cruise going through the Caribbean. And they disembark from Miami, and I’ll just never forget this. This guy that like– the operation to bring food onto the boat is just like this unbelievably strange, coordinated, massive scale thing, where like trucks and trucks and trucks of like fruit and like meat and all this other stuff like gets moved onto the, you know, onto this like dock [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] and then taken into the ship, blah, blah, blah. But what happens is that there’s one guy, one guy that will take the pallet of every food and test something on it.
Niki: [laughs] Just one thing?
John: Just one thing in there.
John: They’ll open it. They’ll open it and like smell it or they’ll taste it. [Niki laughs] And then, and then it’s like, it’s one thing. This motherfucker chopped open a piece of pineapple and was like, “Nope,” and they took the entire truckload of fruit off.
Niki: The whole thing off? Wow.
John: And so I’m just like, wait a second. Where does that go? Like, that’s one bad pineapple! Like, what are you talking about?
Niki: Approximately 17 tons of fruit are consumed on an average week long cruise.
John: Jesus. Jesus.
Niki: And then 20,000 ice cream cones.
John: [laughs] 20,000 ice cream cones? Okay.
Niki: Yeah, some of these seem kind of weirdly specific.
John: It is. How long is my cruise? It’s like eight and a half days or something.
Niki: John, can you–
John: Or it’s like 10 days. I think it’s like 10 days.
Niki: When you get to the boat, [John: “Uh huh?”] can you ask the captain if you can christen the ship again? [both laugh]
John: Like, I’ll come with a bottle of like Bawls soda or whatever. [Niki laughs] Or like Zima. I’ll just come with a Zima. I’ll be like, “Hey, can I christen your ship, please?” [Niki laughs] And he’s like, “No,” and I’m like, “Oh fuck, I thought you said yeah!” and I’m already like winding up to throw the bottle against the side of the boat. [Niki laughs] Yeah, that’d be amazing. I would love that. I just–
Niki: Or like…
John: I bring like a butcher knife and a Zima, and I’m like, “All right! Zoosh!”
Niki: [laughs] Yeah, what are you calling the ship now that you’ve renamed it? It’s been rechristened.
John: [laughs] Uh, I’m calling it…I’m calling it the Sea Morgue. That’s what I’m calling it. It’s just the boat’s called the Sea Morgue.
Niki: [laughs] That’s great.
Niki: It’s like, it’s always Halloween on the Sea Morgue.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: They should do horror nights but on a boat.
John: I think that’d be good.
Niki: You don’t think that would be good? Or you do?
John: No, I said I think that would be good. I think that’d be great.
Niki: You’d probably lose one or two people, but like…’cause like, you’re gonna forget you’re on a boat, you know?
John: You know, speaking–
Niki: People are gonna be like, “I’m gonna jump away,” and then they jump off the boat.
John: Speaking of like kind of scary shared experiences.
John: Last night, Anne and I kind of drifted off to sleep at about 11:00, [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] and at 11:30, Anne and I woke up to Raisinet sitting in her bed going, [growls] like growling, which like, [Niki: “Yeah”] she never does.
John: And then she like takes a few steps out of the bed and starts barking.
John: And then Anne in kind of a sleepy stupor is like, “Hey, what’s going on?” And I go, “Uh, I don’t know. I don’t know, what is going on?” And so Raisinet starts barking even harder.
John: But then like, what I noticed and I thought I was like hallucinating, except when I asked Anne about it this morning, she was like, “Oh yeah, that was happening.” The foot of our bed was vibrating.
Niki: Now, what does that mean?
John: I don’t know, but the dog–
Niki: Now, what does that mean?
John: Now, when– I know, like… [laughs] I know it’s weird, but it’s like Raisinet started running through the house and barking and then went outside and barked at the roof of the house?
Niki: What the fuck are you talking about?
John: But as that was happening, the foot of our bed was like softly bouncing up and down.
Niki: What does that mean?
John: I don’t know, but like when–
Niki: What is–
John: This morning, when I thought I had kind of like dreamed it or something, I was like, “You know what was weird, Anne, is that like the foot of our bed was vibrating, but I guess I was like half asleep,” and she was like, “No, that was happening.” And I was like– and she goes, “That’s happened sometimes.” [Niki laughs] And I go, “What do you mean that happens sometimes? We don’t have anything that should ever do that.” Anyway, I just, I’m kind of remembering that now. Like this just happened, and I’m like, I don’t know. It’s freaky. It was freaky that she got up.
Niki: You have to move.
John: I know, we might have to move.
Niki: [phone rings] That’s the ghost calling me.
John: The ghost, yeah. Yeah.
Niki: You have to move.
John: We might have to move.
Niki: What the fuck
John: It was really weird.
Niki: Now, are you sure your phone, like both of your phones weren’t in the foot of the bed?
John: No, no. I cannot stress this enough. You’ve been in an earthquake before.
John: This was not like [imitates phone buzzing].
Niki: Yeah, it was like…
John: This was like, bum ba-bum ba-bum.
Niki: Yeah, you were getting ghosted.
John: [faster] Bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum.
John: Like that. Yeah.
Niki: That’s a ghost.
John: Yeah, that was not good, huh?
Niki: No, you should call, um…
John: I should call the ??? man.
Niki: The– yeah, the– [laughs] yeah, call him back and be like, [John laughs] “Hey, is there a– you got all those spiders or whatever the fuck, right? Thank you so much.”
John: Is there any chance that the spiders– [Niki laughs] hey, is there any chance that the spiders got really mad, unionized, and started lifting my bed? [typing] Seismic chart near me.
Niki: Yeah, ’cause if there was…well.
John: Latest earthquakes. Let’s see. Okay. San Antonio. There was just one in San Antonio. That’s wild.
Niki: What’s today?
John: It’s the 21st.
Niki: The 21st.
John: Okay, so the– I need the…I need the…
Niki: You have had…there have been two earthquakes in the last 30 days, 0 in the past 24 hours.
John: That’s not–
Niki: In Fayetteville.
John: Oh, in Fayetteville, okay.
Niki: Oh, that’s North Carolina.
John: Yeah, that’s North Carolina.
Niki: What the– why the fuck?
John: What the fuck, Richard?
Niki: [typing] Fayetteville, AK.
John: I got Alaska. I got Japan. I got Puerto Rico. I don’t have Indonesia.
Niki: Volcanodiscovery.com. Okay, so there was a 3.6 on August 30, 2020.
John: Yeah, but there was one. There was– no, no, no, no, no! No, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Niki: Uh huh.
John: There was one yesterday, but it was at 3:11 P.M.
John: Wait! Oh. No. Wait! Oh, wait, no. [both laugh]
Niki: There was one in Ridgely, Tennessee, but that was at– what was 11 hours ago? That was 4:00 A.M.
John: That was 4. No, and this was at like 11:30 P.M.
Niki: Yeah, it’s a ghost, dude.
John: It’s a ghost, huh?
Niki: Yeah, dawg.
Niki: That’s a ghost.
John: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I really don’t–
Niki: Wait, Wednesday…wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wednesday, July 20.
John: July 20, right.
Niki: 22:29 is 11:30.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: There was a 2.2 magnitude earthquake, 14 kilometers west-southwest of Quinton, Oklahoma.
John: Oh. Eh, that’s pretty far away. [Niki laughs] I mean, it’s pretty far away.
Niki: Yeah, but like, it’s still the earth.
John: It’s still the earth though, huh?
Niki: It’s still the earth. Like, it would…it’s still the earth. Like, you would still feel it.
John: I would still feel it.
Niki: It’s an earthquake.
John: It’s the earth. Anyway. Really, really, really…it was kinda–
Niki: Yeah, it’s a ghost. You’re dead. Sorry, bud.
John: [laughs] You’re dead. You’re already dead.
Niki: You’re already dead.
John: You’re already dead.
Niki: You’re in the morgue on the boat.
John: [laughs] You’re in the Beetlejuice waiting room. The sound’s great in there.
Niki: [laughs] So, that’s all the boat facts that I have.
John: Yeah, do you have a last– do you have like, ‘cause I’ll also be doing some things, like I’m gonna take like a…we’re gonna go whale watching, and I’m gonna take like [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] a four wheeler through the Alaskan wilderness. Do you have any like…
John: Do you have– yeah.
Niki: Yeah, I’ll hit you with these Alaska facts, right after these messages.
[background sounds of seagulls and boat passengers]
[distant boat announcement for boat passengers]
Niki: Oh. [both laugh] Well, that’s a bummer.
John: That’s just Niki’s– that’s just Niki’s greeting.
Niki: Did you hear that fucking announcement over the thing? They said, “Please stop making boat noises on the boat.”
John: Yeah. They really don’t want you to do that, because the boat gets insecure when that happens.
Niki: I mean, I just think that if the boat wants to not feel insecure, it should be better at making the fucking boat noise.
[boat horn sounds]
John: I can’t believe you–
Niki: See, there it goes again.
John: Oh, wow.
Niki: It’s not as good as mine.
John: It’s not as good as yours. I agree. I get why the boat’s self conscious about it, honestly. But it’s so wild that we ended up on the same cruise? Like, that’s so weird.
Niki: I know. I didn’t know you were on here. It’s the third day, but I was on the other side of the boat.
John: Oh, damn. Have you played any–
Niki: Y’all got–
John: Have you played any shuffleboard yet?
Niki: I was just gonna ask you! I’m currently in a tournament with, uh…Dolores.
John: There’s a tournament? Aw.
Niki: On our side of the boat, yeah, there’s a tournament.
Niki: It’s Dolores and Rick and Mina and Miles.
John: There’s no tournament over here, it’s just–
Niki: And Sonic and Tails.
John: The only person you can play–
Niki: Yeah, they’re all on that side of the…
John: The only person you can play, they call him the keeper of the shuffleboard, which I think is very scary and weird.
Niki: How many legs does that guy have?
John: Oooh, I haven’t counted. It seems like more than seven, though.
Niki: Yeah, I heard about him. The ??? kept saying that like our side of the boat was, quote, “the good side of the boat” over and over again.
John: Yeah, my–
Niki: She’s like so grateful and thankful that she was on, quote, “the right side of the boat.”
John: Right. My travel agent said this is the side of the boat that Godrick the Grafted is on, but I… [Niki laughs] I was like, that’s, you’re just making– you just like Elden Ring. But no, I think really…
Niki: Yeah, no, I think…
John: I really think it’s…
Niki: It’s pretty bad over there.
John: It’s pretty bad over here.
Niki: Can I– is there any way I can like get to like a minute by minute update about how you’re doing on the other– on the bad side of the boat?
John: Sure, yeah. I mean, I’m locked the fuck down, but yeah, you can find– if we’re friends already—which we are, you and I are friends—you can find me at @floppyadult. And if we’re not friends, maybe I’ll let you in. Who knows? We’ll see. What about you? So I can, you know, @ you before I gotta dip.
Niki: Yeah, see how much fun I’m having on the other side of the boat?
John: Yeah, I want to check in on the tournament, but also like maybe invite you to dinner, I don’t know.
Niki: We got…well, we have– what show do you have on your side?
John: Oh, well, we just have like an old VHS tape of the first season of Two and a Half Men.
Niki: Wow. We have– there are three bespoke Cirque du Soleils on our side.
John: What? Oh, come on!
Niki: And like, in one of them, the lady ties a rope around her waist, [John: “Yeah?”] and then she jumps off the side of the boat, and you’re like, “She fucking died.”
John: No way.
Niki: But no, there’s a go-kart track underneath, right?
John: No way!
Niki: So she lands in the go-kart track, and there’s a ramp off the side of the boat, [John: “No!”] and she goes straight up, and then she undoes the thing, and then she does a spin, and then a guy catches her.
John: God damnit.
Niki: It’s so cool.
John: The only thing that we’ve got is the kid from Two and a Half Men. He makes omelets for people at the door, and they’re not very good.
Niki: Aw, I was gonna say, are they good at least?
John: No, they’re not.
Niki: Well, if you could send me pictures of those omelets to @godsewa, G-O-D-S-E-W-A, I’d be really appreciative, and best of luck in the coming war on your side of the boat.
John: Thanks. You can also find Jordan Mallory at @jordan_mallory, if you want to find–
Niki: Wait, is Jordan also here?
John: [sadly] No, but he wanted to know about the omelets too, so.
John: I need to shoot him a DM. Anyway.
Niki: Yeah. Oh, you’ve become so sad, John.
John: Well, I didn’t– I just, the go-kart thing sounds so cool.
Niki: Well, you just should try to make your way over to our side of the boat.
John: [singing theme song] “Men, men, men, men.” Okay, the new thing is– new show’s starting. I gotta go.
Niki: Best of luck.
John: [singing] “Meeeen!”
[boat sounds end]
Niki: And we’re back. John.
John: Yeah, what’s going on with Alaska?
Niki: Alaska, they’ve got a lot of stuff up there, dude.
Niki: So much stuff.
Niki: Where do you–
John: It’s a big state.
Niki: It’s a big state. It’s the biggest one.
John: Some would say it’s the biggest.
Niki: A lot of people don’t know this.
John: A lot of people say it’s Hawaii or Utah. [John laughs] Those aren’t correct.
John: I mean, listen, if you include the ocean, Hawaii is definitely the biggest.
Niki: Is the biggest.
Niki: Where do you think they caught the world’s largest salmon?
John: [laughs] I’m gonna guess in Juneau, Alaska.
Niki: I don’t know where the Kenai River is, but it is in Alaska.
John: All right.
Niki: How much do you think the biggest salmon ever weighed?
John: Holy shit. Okay. Um, I’m gonna say…
Niki: Ever, of all time.
John: Of all time. I’m gonna say…I’m gonna say like, you know, 94 pounds or something.
Niki: Oh my God. 97 pounds, four ounces.
John: Wow, I was close!
Niki: You were so close.
Niki: Bob is rolling over in his grave but in a good way.
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah. ??? [Niki laughs] Sorry.
Niki: Okay, let me hit you with this. Did you know that Alaska has no poison Ivy or poison oak?
John: No. So I can just roll around and stuff?
John: That’s awesome. Okay.
Niki: So that’s good.
John: Yeah, that’s great. That’s great news.
Niki: Yeah. It also is the state that’s the most water.
John: I’m sorry?
Niki: It’s the state that’s the most water?
John: What is– what do you mean? Like its ground has the most water in it? Or like, what do you mean?
Niki: No, it– oh, it’s also not even true. This website is just fucking wrong.
John: Oh, okay.
Niki: It’s Florida. I clicked on the source for this information, and then it was like, this isn’t correct. [John laughs] Also, Hawaii is 41% water.
John: Okay. You mean just outside of its borders? I mean, inside of its borders?
Niki: No, I think inside of its borders.
John: Right, right, right. Yeah.
Niki: So that was not one. Okay, here’s another one.
John: Yeah, do you want to maybe give me facts that are like real? Like, I don’t know what you’re…
John: Are you on just like maybe-true dot com?
Niki: [laughs] Here’s– okay. Here’s something.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: This city has more plastic surgeons per capita than any other city in the United States.
Niki: Wrong. Salt Lake City, Utah.
John: Fuck! So, okay. [Niki laughs] All right. Well. Okay.
Niki: How far away is Alaska from Russia?
John: Oh, wow. I can–
Niki: You can see it from your house.
John: I can see Russia from my house.
Niki: But how far is it?
John: Uh, oh, 52 miles.
John: You can’t see 52 miles. That’s a terrible answer.
Niki: “Six.” It’s 50 miles.
John: Whoa! Wow, I’m getting really close on all of these.
Niki: Well, you went over, though, so Bob is mad.
John: I went over. [imitates Price is Right losing sound]
Niki: Jordan gets that one, somehow.
Niki: Isn’t that fucking stupid?
John: Yeah, it is.
Niki: Jordan gets that one and he guessed six?
John: Uh huh. Yeah.
Niki: And you got– you said 52, [John: “Uh huh”] but ’cause you were two miles over, Bob shoots you. [John laughs] It’s terrible. This state is home to 17 of North America’s tallest mountains.
Niki: Eeh. [John laughs] Please phrase your response in the form of a question.
John: [clears throat] Okay. Beep beep beep!
Niki: No, it’s too late. [John laughs] The next question is: [laughs] What does Alaska mean?
John: Oh, like in, you know, native language?
Niki: Yeah, in Aluet.
John: Um..it means to the aska.
Niki: Wow. No.
Niki: Eh-eh. It’s the great land.
John: Oh, okay. That makes sense.
Niki: How old was the person who designed Alaska’s flag?
John: How old were they? Well, let me take a look at this bad boy.
Niki: It was designed in 1926.
John: [typing] Alaska flag. And it’s just, it’s just got stars on it, huh?
John: So, okay, so I’m gonna say 14.
Niki: [laughs] Jordan.
John: I mean, this is the cover of fucking Good Night Moon.
Niki: [laughs] You both are incorrect. The answer is 13, so you’re both over.
John: Oh, we were both over? Fuck!
Niki: Yeah, it’s 13.
John: Wow. I believe– I mean, listen, I believe it! [laughs]
Niki: Yeah. Benny Benson was his name, allegedly. That’s not true. Benny Benson.
John: [laughs] Okay. All right. Benny Benson. All right. Thanks, Benny. Thanks. Good job.
Niki: Wait, Benny Benson might be cool?
John: What do you mean Benny Benson might be– [laughs] Benny Benson might be cool?
Niki: I don’t have time to read all of this.
John: All right, I’m gonna– okay, I’m gonna try to– okay.
Niki: No, he just died– no, he was fine. No, I think he was mid.
John: He was mid?
Niki: He used his scholarship money of $1000 to go to diesel engineering school.
John: Oh, I see that.
Niki: He had a kid. They got divorced. He became an airplane mechanic and died at 58.
John: [laughs] Okay.
Niki: Can you see the northern lights from Alaska?
John: Ooh, I’m gonna say no.
Niki: Jordan says yes. The correct answer is yes.
John: What? Where can you see ’em?
Niki: 243 days a year, you can see them in Fairbanks.
John: Oh, I’m not gonna go to Fairbanks. Fuck. All right.
Niki: Well. Wait, how far is Fairbanks from where you’re go?
John: Let me… [laughs]
Niki: Maps or Google. I don’t know anything about Alaska.
John: Me neither, and I’m like T minus four days or whatever away from going, and I’m just like, I don’t know anything!
Niki: Here’s the thing, though. Alaska and New England, kind of the same shape.
Niki: Yeah, but they’re mirrored.
John: So, we set sail from Vancouver, British Columbia.
Niki: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
John: Okay? And then we…
Niki: Now, here’s something fucking nuts.
John: Uh huh?
Niki: There are so many rocks [John: “Uh huh”] between where Vancouver is and out of where the rocks are.
Niki: You gotta go down back into America and then out.
Niki: You pass Pacific Rim.
John: Yep. No, so–
Niki: From the movies.
John: So, I’ll be, I’ll keep it 100. I don’t think we’re really doing a whole lot, because I think like Ketchikan is one of the places we’re going, and that’s like…that’s like on the far right.
Niki: It’s pronounced Ketchum. Ash Ketchum. [John laughs] Ketchikan. Where is that?
John: It’s on the far right side. It’s on like the bottom right. So there’s–
Niki: Wait, on the right side?
John: There’s Juneau. There’s Juneau.
Niki: Ohh. Hey, dawg, I was still in Canada. [both laugh] I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Okay. I see. Oh, yeah, you’re not going very far at all.
John: So we’re not really going very far, huh?
Niki: It’s like “Alaska” quote, unquote.
John: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just realized how much of a bullshit trip this is.
Niki: [laughs] Well, it’s kind of like–
John: Kind of in real time. No northern lights? We see nothing? [Niki laughs] Cool. That’s great.
Niki: It’s like going into Western British Columbia, and then going across the border, [John: “Yeah, right”] and then being like, “I went to Alaska.” Like, sure.
John: “I went to Alaska, everybody.” No, you didn’t.
Niki: Like, sure you did.
Niki: But like, you didn’t even get to go to the city.
Niki: You know where Guy Fieri’s favorite Chinese food place is in America?
John: Uh, it’s in…
Niki: That’s not on the list, [laughs] but it’s a thing I know.
John: It’s in Hooper Bay, Alaska.
Niki: No, it’s in Anchorage.
John: Oh, really?
John: Huh, okay.
Niki: He fucking loves that place.
John: What’s it– do you know what it’s called?
Niki: I don’t know.
John: That’s helpful.
Niki: Yeah. [typing] Guy Fieri Alaska Chinese food place. It’s called Pagoda Restaurant.
John: [laughs] Okay. So, it’s named something I would expect to be [Niki: “Yeah”] in like a small town in the middle of nowhere.
Niki: It is on Santa Claus Lane. Not a joke.
John: Oh. That’s fun. There are a lot of Santa Claus Lanes in the north.
Niki: Yeah, that’s– yeah.
Niki: But the address is 431 Santa Claus Lane—not a joke—431 Santa Claus Lane, North Pole, Alaska.
Niki: Oh, it’s in Fairbanks.
John: Oh, it’s in Fairbanks, okay. That makes a little more sense. I don’t know why.
Niki: But he loves it.
John: Okay. Well, good for you, Guy Fieri.
Niki: It’s in the same…it’s in the same shopping center as a Safeway.
John: Oh, that’s cool. Love Safeway.
Niki: Isn’t it crazy to get groceries up there?
John: Oh, ’cause with the ice road trucking you mean?
John: Yeah. Wild, huh?
Niki: Everything seems like it would be really expensive up there too for no reason.
John: Yeah, it seems hard, you know? It just seems kind of like difficult. Like, I don’t know. Especially if you live somewhere that’s not like Juneau. Like, Juneau is like very close to the border of Canada.
John: So it’s like, that’s no big deal. But like, even Anchorage, it’s like, hey, damn, that’s far in.
Niki: That’s far.
John: Like Fairbanks is really– can you imagine living in Wainwright up at the very top?
John: Like, what the fuck is up there?
Niki: It’s probably fucking gorgeous, though.
John: It’s probably gorgeous.
Niki: Okay, now click– hey, now click on Wainwright for me?
John: Okay. I’m not on a place you can click on, but sure.
Niki: No, well, just click on the word Wainwright.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: In Google Maps.
Niki: Can you describe what you see to me?
John: [laughs] Okay, now… [both laugh] Okay, now, this– wow. I need to take a fucking Google screengrab of this. Hold on. This is wild. It’s like, I thought you were referring to one thing and then another thing and then another thing in such quick succession.
Niki: Ah, ah, ah.
John: I was like, “Oh, there’s just an airport there.” And then I go, “Oh, there’s just a police department there.” And then I go, “No, there’s a picture of fucking Barley [Niki laughs] for some reason in the top left of this place.”
Niki: They have a picture of my fucking dog!
John: Like, what are you talking about?
Niki: I don’t know! [laughs]
John: Like, what are you talking about? I was like, “The only thing on this map for Wainwright is an airport and a police department,” and I was like, “Wow, that sucks.” I looked to my left, and it’s just Niki’s fucking dog!
Niki: It’s my dog. 500 people live there.
John: That’s fucking wild.
Niki: Google Maps has never been up there.
John: That is so weird. Yeah, Google…
Niki: They said, I can’t…
John: Google Maps just put– yeah! No, no. The guy that did Google maps is like, “I’m just gonna put a picture of my dog on this. Thanks.”
Niki: Yeah, like, when you try to drag the little guy onto the place to like put him down, [John: “Uh huh”] he says no, and he flies back to his corner.
John: [laughs] God, there’s– wow. There’s nothing to fucking do there, huh?
Niki: I mean, no, you probably get to kill so much stuff.
John: Oh, wow.
Niki: It’s probably kind of cool.
John: Yeah, maybe.
Niki: You probably like get an email from the government, and they’re like, “Too many meese again,” and then–
John: Too many meese.
Niki: And then you get to go– you get to roll out with you and all 13 other people who live here, and you just kind of get– you just kind of get all the meese.
Niki: Probably whips.
John: Oh my God, some of these– Prudhoe Bay is not even a town, it’s a census designated place. Wow.
Niki: Is there a post office there? [laughs] Is that why?
John: Yeah, no, that’s why. There’s nothing here.
Niki: Wow. It’s fucked up. You can send…you can send anything. You know what’s crazy?
Niki: This country sucks for a lot of reasons.
John: A lot of reasons, yeah.
Niki: A lot of reasons. But you know what’s fucking nuts?
Niki: Tomorrow, [John: “Mm”] I could fly to Miami, buy a coconut.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: Put it in a box– well, a coconut’s probably not a good example, ’cause you can’t ship fruit.
Niki: I could buy a Mickey Mouse hat [John: “Uh huh”] from the airport.
Niki: I could put it in the post office, [John: “Mm-hmm”] and for $10, [John: “Mm-hmm”] it would be in Alaska [John: “Uh huh”] three days later.
John: Yeah. And get to a place, yeah. It’s wild.
Niki: That’s crazy!
Niki: Like, you could send it to someone who lives and/or works at the Red Dog Mine, which is not where they mine red dogs. It’s a zinc and lead mine. [John laughs] And it would just get there in two days.
John: Yeah, it would just get there. It just works.
Niki: It just works! It’s the only thing that just works.
John: Yep. That’s true. [laughs]
Niki: So, wait, you don’t even get to go to Denali?
John: No, I don’t get to. I don’t get to do anything. We’re just gonna be on a boat for a few days.
Niki: Then why are you fucking going?
John: I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m second guessing the whole thing now.
Niki: Well, once you get there, just get off.
John: Just get off? Yeah, okay.
Niki: Yeah. I mean, you can probably rent a Jeep and just go.
John: Just go? Where– okay.
Niki: [raspily] They got freeways up there. What’s happening to my voice?
John: What is happening to your voice? I’m a little concerned.
Niki: Hey, what’s happening?
John: [laughs] I don’t know! Should we end the episode?
Niki: Well, no, I just need to– I think I just need to– hold on. [John laughs, Niki coughs and returns to normal] All right, baby, I’m back.
John: Okay, that–
Niki: That was crazy.
John: That was the ghost, I think.
Niki: Yeah, that was nuts.
John: That was the ghost.
Niki: So you don’t even get to go to Denali.
John: Okay, so we go to…let me look at something. [typing] Vancouver. Voncoovair.
John: Okay, so we–
Niki: Vancouver is sick. Do you get to like hang out in Vancouver at least for any amount of time? Or are you just flying in?
John: No, just like– just one night. Just one night.
Niki: Mm. Oh, okay.
John: Is there anything to do?
Niki: What is it? When is it? What night? Well, don’t tell me now. Tell me later. [laughs]
John: Oh, you know what? Oh, we do go to Anchorage, and then we fly from Anchorage back to Dallas. So we leave from Vancouver, and then we–
Niki: Oh, who the fuck is on that plane? Is it direct?
John: From Anchorage to Dallas?
John: Oh, do…
Niki: If that’s a direct flight, I want you to take a pic. I want you to get on the airplane first [John: “Uh huh”] and take a picture of every fucking person who gets onto that airplane.
John: [laughs slightly] Okay. I could do that.
Niki: I’m so curious about the lives of the people who are taking an Anchorage to Dallas flight.
John: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m so wrong. I’m so wrong about so many things.
Niki: Wow. Wow. Wow.
John: Oh wait, wait, wait. No. No, I’m not! No, I’m not. No, I’m not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Yeah, we leave Alaska and we fly to Dallas. That is a direct flight. That’s a direct flight.
Niki: [laughs] That’s a direct flight.
John: Uh huh. So we leave–
Niki: That’s crazy.
John: We leave Anchorage, Alaska at 6:15 A.M., and we get to Dallas at 3:30 P.M.
Niki: That’s crazy.
John: Yeah, that is pretty wild, actually.
Niki: You’ll get to see the curvature of the earth, though.
John: Yeah. Yeah, that’s kind of cool.
Niki: Which is cool.
Niki: That’s always sick. When…have you been to the other side, John?
John: What’s the other…
John: To the morgue? Yeah.
Niki: [laughs] Yeah, to the– no, to like the other side of the globe, on the other side or underneath it?
John: Yeah, I lived in Argentina for three years.
Niki: Oh, I guess that is on the down. That is downstairs.
John: It’s on the down, yeah. It’s on the downstairs.
Niki: That is downstairs.
Niki: Yeah, no, the thing that fucked me up was when I flew to Australia, I was like, “Oh, it is round, huh?”
John: Yeah. The whole thing’s round.
Niki: The whole thing, like the whole thing is round.
John: I mean, I flew to China too for business. Like that was wild, to see it from that up high?
Niki: Yeah, ’cause you just go up and over.
John: Yeah, you– yeah. You just go up and over.
Niki: Yeah. That, like, I also was like…when I flew to Australia and back, I just went over the ocean.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: But when my friend–
John: Which is, by the way, so scary if you think about it for more than like five minutes for some reason.
Niki: Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know how big the Pacific Ocean is?
John: It’s so big. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Niki: There’s so much.
John: It’s unbelievably big.
Niki: There’s so much stuff [John: “Uh huh”] that is not between [John: “Uh huh, yeah”] anywhere on the west coast of the United States and the next closest thing.
John: Uh huh.
Niki: But her flight left out of Perth, and then they went up.
Niki: Like straight up into Dubai, [John: “Uh huh”] and then they went up and over again to get down to the other side of the globe to fly into Los Angeles.
John: Holy shit. Yeah, it’s weird.
Niki: Which is crazy. It’s just a ball.
John: We were gonna take– we were apparently gonna take basically a direct over the ocean path to Hong Kong that one time, but then we got struck by lightning, so we went up the coast and over.
Niki: Mm, they were like, “Gotta get away from the lightning.”
John: Yeah, we gotta– [both laugh]
Niki: They said no. [laughs]
John: They said, no, we have to get away from the lightning. Yeah, like, yeah. So, I’ve taken a few of those like cross ocean things, and then…
John: But when you go so high and you can just see…you can just see the earth is round. It’s very interesting.
Niki: It’s just round.
Niki: You can also see space, kind of.
John: Yeah, you can. It’s weird.
Niki: They just let planes go up there.
John: They just kinda let planes go up there. It seems like a bad idea.
Niki: And nobody tested them on the way down.
John: Nobody tested them on the way down. Also like, when you get up that high, I just, I have this like, I have this very like probably very wrong idea of what it’s like. Like, if a pilot, you know, drifts off for a second and just like accidentally goes up another 10 feet, does gravity just pull you out?
Niki: Yeah, you float away. [laughs]
John: You just float. You’re like, “Oh, well, there you go!” And it’s just kinda like, I’m like, is it just kinda like the fucking Red Bull guy that jumped out at the stratosphere?
John: It’s like, alright, well, there’s nothing up here. I don’t know.
Niki: [typing] Can the SR-71 go to space?
John: [typing] Red Bull space jump.
Niki: The edge of space. Define– like, what’s the– like, technically we’re all in the edge of space, you know?
John: Uh huh. Uh huh? Yes?
Niki: Man, I wish the military wasn’t the military, ’cause this plane fucking whips.
John: Oh, that can go so high?
Niki: The SR-71. They were like, what if we built a plane for the Cold War [John: “Uh huh”] that like went so high that like…
Niki: We’ve been to space, but that was somehow easier than making this airplane.
Niki: Because it go up so high that like no reasonable person would expect it to go up that high.
John: Right, yeah.
Niki: So why would it go up that high? And then they were like, “Well, I think we could do it, though. I think we– I’m pretty sure we could do it.”
John: We could do it.
Niki: And you know what? They did it.
John: They did it. So, Felix Baumgartner is the guy that jumped from the…
John: From the edge of space or whatever. Do you know how far he fell with the free fall?
Niki: I’m gonna say…pff…
John: Let me actually do that math for you, Jordo.
Niki: Yeah, I’m gonna say like…45 miles.
John: Okay, hold on. [typing]
Niki: I don’t know how high up stuff is.
John: Okay. So he free fell about 23 miles.
Niki: Nah, I’m all right. [laughs]
John: Like, can you fucking imagine that? Like, what are you talking about?
Niki: I’m okay. Thank you so much, but… [laughs]
John: What are you talking about? The idea of just being like…just the fucking, like someone’s like, “Oh, hey, Felix, just by the way, like between mile one and–” I’m sorry, mile? Did you say mile? [Niki laughs] “Yeah. Between mile one and five, that’s your biggest chance for passing out, so don’t do that, ’cause you got another 15 to go after that.”
John: Like, what are you talking about? I’m gonna free fall for 23 miles.
Niki: It’s like…that would be like falling from here, from my house, to like most of the way to Boston.
John: Right! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a hundred percent. Yes. Yeah.
Niki: That’s crazy.
Niki: And Red Bull did it.
John: And Red Bull did it.
Niki: I can’t bel–
John: Red Bull’s like, “Felix, go ahead. Go do this. This is great.”
Niki: God. If you drink enough of our juice, you can jump out of the fucking– [John laughs] you could jump out of the boat we built you.
John: Yeah, no, that’s a good point, Jordan. Did he have a Game Boy or anything? I mean, he was falling.
Niki: He passed out.
John: Excuse me. He was falling at 843 miles per hour.
Niki: Yes. Yeah, he passed out on the way down and then came back awake.
John: Came back?
John: Oh my God!
Niki: He’s the first person to break the sound barrier. [both laugh]
John: Like, someone’s like, “Hey, John, you’ve got a chance to be the first person outside of anything to just break the sound barrier,” I’d be like, “I’m good.” Like, because what are you– you’re gonna get a giant to throw me like a baseball? Like, what are you talking about? No, I wouldn’t do this. He punched the air before– oh, he dropped to his knees and punched the air before being met by ground crew, when he– it was a nine minute trip from jump to landing.
Niki: Yeah. Falling for nine minutes.
John: Falling for nine minutes. Absolutely not.
Niki: Nah, no.
John: Absolutely not. Anyway.
Niki: They made him eat low residue, low fiber diet, so the gas didn’t fucking make him pop when he went up into the sky.
John: Mm. Oh, wow. Okay. So, [laughs] an uncontrolled spin started within the first minute of the jump.
John: Which could have been fatal.
Niki: Yeah. It could have just killed him up there. [John laughs] So like, from my memory, he was also too high up. You can’t point camera 26 miles up, either.
John: Uh-uh. No, you can’t. Uh-uh.
Niki: And nobody– it’s not like they can send another guy up there. [laughs] Like a cameraperson up there, [John: “Uh huh”] and be like, “All right, we’re both jumping.”
Niki: But they couldn’t see him for a long time.
Niki: ‘Cause they were waiting for him to fall.
Niki: But he was spinning, and he passed out, and then he came back, and then he still landed.
John: I mean, just the i– just, to me, almost the realization that I passed out and woke up would make me pass out again.
Niki: Oh, it would make me pass out again. Yeah, absolutely.
John: I would just be like, “Wait, wait, sorry. I lost a minute? Uh oh. Uh oh! Uh oh!” [Niki laughs] God. Yeah, you couldn’t pay me enough. But yeah, we should be doing that once a year, don’t you think? Someone should, you know?
Niki: Yeah, and just go 15 feet.
John: Yeah, go up every time. Go up a little.
Niki: Just go up more.
Niki: A little more.
John: Go up until that thing happens that I’m worried about, that someone just jumps and they just get carried away.
Niki: Where you float out.
John: And then that’s it. We’re not doing those anymore. Red Bull gives you concrete attached to your feet.
Niki: [laughs] The sequence of three images of him standing on the ledge, him being… [both laugh] It’s like, it’s the scariest three photos ever taken. It’s him standing on the ledge, him not attached to anything, [John: “Uh huh”] and then the immediate next frame is there’s nothing else.
John: There’s nothing. There’s nothing there, yeah. These images span the first five seconds of the jump. So, from image one where he is standing safely [Niki laughs] and you can see his head, and image three where there’s nothing, that’s just five seconds.
Niki: Also, crucially, he couldn’t have changed his mind.
John: Oh, no, no, no. Oh yeah, no, no. No way. You can’t get up there and go, “Never mind.” No way.
Niki: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had to jump out or he was going to pass away.
John: Or he was gonna pass away, yeah.
Niki: ‘Cause there’s no like rocket on the fucking capsule.
John: Uh huh. Yeah. Terrifying.
Niki: Anyway. It’s probably fine.
John: Anyway. I’ll be, yeah, I’ll be gone next week and the week after. I’ll be on this, uh…
Niki: Yeah, you’re going up. You’re going to the edge of space.
John: Going to the edge of space. I’m doing the Felix Baumgartner thing, so wish me luck.
Niki: [laughs] Yeah, good luck. Best of luck.
John: Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I know you and LB will take very good care of this place while we…while I’m on up in space, so.
John: Yeah. Well folks, I think this will do it for this episode. I won’t go through the whole spiel. We probably did that in the mid break, but you can definitely find all of our podcasts at fanbyte.com/podcasts. Give a like, give a subscribe, all that stuff. It would help us out a lot. Niki, do you want to take us out of this episode?
John: That’s good enough. [Niki laughs]