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Would a Blood Infusion From Carlos Santana Make You Really Good at Guitar, or Just High?

Or both? We discuss in our latest podcast transcript.

On this week’s installment of Friends Reunion (A Podcast for Discerning Listeners), John is aboard the International Space Station to atone for the many, many sins that he committed during his birthday, which was last week. This week though it’s LB Hunktears’ birthday, and since they have never once sinned, they and co-host Niki Grayson go about celebrating the only way they know how: Podcasting about Los Angeles Things™.

(You can also listen on Spotify, or wherever else you get your podcasts!)

As part of the festivities — well, the only part really — our intrepid duo discuss a wide array of topics, including (but not limited to) their personal histories with “getting hot and falling over,” which may or may not have been in the news recently due to a startling (but ultimately (and thankfully) benign) health scare involving a certain smooth individual. This inevitably leads into a conversation about Carlos Santana’s blood and what benefits getting an infusion of it could have for the average person.

Later, Niki describes attending a bizarre, gun-themed Fourth of July parade that has taken place annually for over 100 years, and how this year, in the Year of Our Lord 2022, the organizers decided that it was still a good idea to have the vast majority of the participants wave around and/or shoot replica(?) firearms. LB and Niki also spend some time talking about long division and the dark secret contained therein, before moving on to whether Radio Disney still exists (spoilers, it doesn’t) and what life was like as a student before Wikipedia.

There’s also apparently a “museum” in Los Angeles that’s run by the Church of Scientology, where one of the major messages you’re supposed to leave with is that antidepressants were probably responsible for the terrorist attacks on 9/11? Apparently that’s a thing you can make and no one stops you?

Friends Reunion Ep. 123: Female Time Transcript

Friends Reunion 123

Niki: [singing] Feliz cumpleaños a ti, feliz cumpleaños a ti, feliz cumpleaños a LB Hunktears, [LB laughs] feliz cumpleaños a ti. It’s LB’s birthday!

LB: Yay! Thank you, Niki. Did you do this for John last week?

Niki: No.

LB: [laughs] It was John’s birthday last week.

Niki: Yeah, but it wasn’t– we didn’t record the show on that day, you know?

LB: It came out on John’s birthday.

Niki: What did we– last week was smooth week, though.

LB: Yeah, but didn’t you just talk about basketball? I didn’t listen to that episode, sorry.

Niki: Yeah, we did. We talked about basketball, but we didn’t mention John’s birthday at all.

LB: You could have talked about John’s birthday. And you didn’t talk about “Smooth”? And look what you fucking did.

Niki: I’m sorry.

LB: You hurt Carlos.

Niki: I hurt Carlos.

LB: No, I’m not gonna blame you both for that.

Niki: Or maybe we helped Carlos.

LB: ‘Cause he is fine.

Niki: ‘Cause he’s fine.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Like, he just got hot.

LB: And like, what other– hello, welcome to Friends Reunion, a podcast for discerning listeners.

Niki: Oh, yeah.

LB: I’m one of your hosts, LB Hunktears. It’s my birthday. And with me is my dear friend, Nicholas Grayson, [Niki: “Hi”] who just sang happy birthday to me in Spanish.

Niki: Um, I think Carlos– whomst among us hasn’t just gotten hot and fallen over, you know? [LB laughs] That’s happened to me so many times.

LB: [laughing] So much!

Niki: So like, I get it.

LB: Once, I went tide pooling with my friend Lauren and her ex-girlfriend, and we went too late in the day, so the tide started coming back in. And it was so hot outside, and like, I was so tired, and I didn’t want to keep moving, but if I didn’t move, then the sea would’ve taken me away.

Niki: [laughs] How did you get out?

LB: And we had to– Lauren had to call my partner to get him to hype me up to start moving again.

Niki: Oh my God.

LB: [laughing] Because otherwise I would’ve been taken by the tide! I was so tired!

Niki: Taken by the ocean. Damn.

LB: I was so tired.

Niki: That just happens. And you haven’t done nearly as many drugs as Carlos Santana, probably.

LB: No, I haven’t done– I was like in my 20s then, and he’s a million years old.

Niki: Yeah. So like, yeah. So, I get it.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Be well, Carlos.

LB: Can you imagine working as hard as Carlos does at that age?

Niki: No.

LB: With that many drugs in your past?

Niki: In your– I think most of his blood is probably drug now, right?

LB: [laughs] Well, whatever the blood touches is drugs, as we’ve established.

Niki: Yeah. So most of his blood is drugs now. Like, he– do you think Carlos Santana, if Carlos Santana donated blood and then they put it in one of– in either of us.

LB: They couldn’t use it.

Niki: But like, what would happen to us?

LB: We’d get really high and good at guitar.

Niki: Whoa! Wait, now I want some, though. [both laugh]

LB: But we’d also fall over if we got too hot.

Niki: That’s okay. That already happens.

LB: But the thing is I already do that.

Niki: Yeah. Um, how did you celebrate– it is your birthday, and we’ll talk about your birthday in a moment, but how did you celebrate America’s birthday?

LB: Um, I played Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes. [laughs]

Niki: Ah.

LB: I respected the troops.

Niki: Respecting the troops, yeah.

LB: The great revolutionaries Edelgard von Hresvelg, Hubert von Vestra, Ferd von Aegir. Uh, I can name all the characters if you want. [laughs]

Niki: Derick.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Is the guy that has the pot hat in that one? Donald?

LB: The pot hat?

Niki: Donald?

LB: Donald?

Niki: Darneld? Donnel?

LB: I’ve only played– I haven’t played like the prior Fire Emblems. I only played Three Houses and this one.

Niki: His name is Donnel. He has a pot on his head as a hat.

LB: Then he’s not in this one.

Niki: He’s in Fire Emblem Awakening, which is the 3DS one.

LB: I need to play that. I need to play that one.

Niki: I found a photo of myself, the day that that game came out, very happy to be holding a copy of Fire Emblem Awakening, a game that I literally remember nothing about, ’cause I didn’t like it.

LB: [laughs] You remember Donnel the pot man.

Niki: I do remember Donnel the pot man, though. It’s ’cause he had a pot for a hat, which is like good. That’s pretty good.

LB: It’s pretty funny.

Niki: So, you–

LB: What’d you do for the fourth?

Niki: So, I went, at the behest of another person…

LB: Mm.

Niki: And like, don’t let other people do things or like ask you to do things.

LB: I never do.

Niki: And like, if someone– yeah, I just need to become better at saying no. But I’m glad I went, retroactively. We went to the oldest 4th of July parade in the United States of America, which takes place in Bristol, Rhode Island.

LB: Mm-hmm.

Niki: And I kind of was like, well, I don’t want to go, ’cause it’ll be what it was. And I was right. [LB laughs quietly] But I was also curious to see what the disconnect was like, like to see if there was kind of any self-awareness about like [LB: “Mm-hmm”] the decline and fall of the nation that we all live in. And uh, no, there wasn’t. There wasn’t.

LB: How old is it? How old is this thing?

Niki: Um, it’s like 30…uh, America was 1776. It’s like the early 1800s, like 1812 or some shit. So not even originally.

LB: So, if this is from 1812.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: If this parade’s from 1812, then yeah, they wouldn’t have much self awareness about like…’cause America’s not really worse than it was in 1812.

Niki: Sure, definitely. Yeah, definitely.

LB: You know, like…

Niki: But I do think that the optics of having a bunch of kids holding guns, spinning the guns around in the street [LB: “Ooh. Oh no!”] and then shooting them into the air…

LB: Oh no!

Niki: I think the optics on that particularly are pretty bad right now.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Like, I think they’re worse than they might have been in 1812. Um, one of the floats was just a guy on a gun.

LB: [laughs] What do you mean?

Niki: And he just had a– he just had a big gun, and he just shot the gun as he drove past these people’s houses. One of the–

LB: What kind of– was it like a musket?

Niki: No. Well, yes, those guys were there, but this guy’s gun was like very big and loud. It was not a cannon, but it was a big mounted gun that only shot one at a time. So not a turret. Or I guess maybe it was a turret. No, but it wasn’t a cannon, ’cause it didn’t like fire cannon balls. It was like small.

LB: I know the kind of gun you mean, the kind you have to mount.

Niki: It was a– yeah, a mounted gun, like in Halo, except it only had one bullet in it.

LB: And it wasn’t Master Chief.

Niki: It was really– John’s on the International Space Station atoning for his sins. He did so many sins for his birthday.

LB: His sins?

Niki: Yeah. He did so many sins on his birthday, they said that he needed to go up there to atone.

LB: I thought he was just sick.

Niki: No. That’s what they tell everybody down here, but I know the real news. [LB laughs] Don’t trust what you see on CNN, LB. They’re lying to you.

LB: I don’t.

Niki: Oh. Good.

LB: [laughs] It’s mostly the same old guys who’ve been on CNN for like 20 years [Niki laughs] being like, “What are we do?”

Niki: What are we doing?

LB: “What are we do? Let’s call a guy.”

Niki: Let’s call a guy.

LB: And they call a guy, and the guy goes, “We are all asking, ‘What are we do?’ [Niki laughs] and no one’s quite sure what are we do. But I have spoken to this guy who used to work in the Obama administration. Let’s see what he has to say.” And then it splits again, and that guy’s like, “What are we do?” [laughs]

Niki: And then they’re like, “What did you do during Obama administration?” And they say, “I don’t remember.”

LB: He said, “Killed a bunch of people at a wedding. That’s what I did.”

Niki: Woo. Uh, anyway.

LB: Hello.

Niki: So, yeah, that was not cool. There was a Camaro part of the parade where a bunch of–

LB: What?!

Niki: Sorry, not a Camaro, Corvette.

LB: Oh.

Niki: The Rhode Island Corvette Club had a segment.

LB: [laughs] That actually sounds kind of cool.

Niki: So it was, in that like, I got to see a bunch of Corvettes, but then I was like, a lot of the Corvettes looked like ass for a long time. Because you could tell how much money the people in the club had by how new their Corvette was. So like, you could tell that like someone was middle class rich, if they had like a Corvette from like the mid 2000s, but you could tell if someone was upper class rich by if they had like a C7, like a new Stingray Corvette.

LB: What about classic Corvettes?

Niki: There were none of those.

LB: What?!

Niki: I know! [LB laughs] None of the cool ones were there.

LB: [laughing] So it’s just a bunch of new, recent, new and used Corvettes?

Niki: Yeah, remember when the Corvette was round and bubbly in the early 2000s? There were like six of those, [LB laughs] and it was like, why are you– it’s not actually cool that you own this car. You know who else owned this car? Like, you know who else owned this car? Every American man who came back from Desert Storm had that car. [LB laughs] So like, that’s not cool, actually.

LB: Really? So you’re saying veterans aren’t cool?

Niki: That’s exactly what I’m saying, yeah. [both laugh] Um, no, some of them are fine.

LB: [quietly] Yeah.

Niki: Yeah. But, so you didn’t do any– did you shoot any guns for your birthday? Are you gonna shoot any guns for your birthday?

LB: I’ve never shot a gun in my life. Never even shot a BB gun.

Niki: Are you changing that?

LB: The closest thing to a gun I’ve ever shot was like a water gun or a Nerf gun.

Niki: Okay. Well, they’re called blasters, please.

LB: The closest– the most powerful projectile I’ve ever shot was a branded Nerf, as opposed to like a 99 cent store Nerf.

Niki: Well, it’s not a gun, please.

LB: [laughs] Well, it’s the closest I’ve done, you know?

Niki: Yeah. Um, it’s a blaster.

LB: It’s a blaster.

Niki: Yeah, please.

LB: I’ve never shot a– have you shot a gun?

Niki: No!

LB: [laughs] I mean, like, who would give us guns?

Niki: Who would give me gun? Um, Jordan has shot gun. I feel like that makes sense, [LB: “Of course”] because Jordan live in Texas. I feel like–

LB: If you’re from Texas, they make you do it, right?

Niki: They make you do it.

LB: Otherwise you can’t live there.

Niki: You can’t file taxes. Well, they don’t have taxes down there.

LB: Once you learn how to like– once you can do long division, they hand you gun and say, “Can you shoot this? Great. You can continue.”

Niki: Oh, fuck.

LB: “Now you can learn double long division.”

Niki: Oh shit, you’re right, LB. Because if you turn the long division sideways… [LB laughs softly] That’s right. It’s the shape of a handgun.

LB: [laughs] It is. That’s why!

Niki: Whoa.

LB: Jordo, am I right about this?

Niki: What don’t they want you to know?

LB: Yeah, that’s how you get your driver’s license. Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he agrees.

Niki: It’s 4:20.

LB: No, it’s not. It’s 7/7.

Niki: No. [laughs softly] No, the time is 4:20.

LB: It’s 1:21.

Niki: Okay. Did you know I got an email from, um, uh, the people who make the vape you and I have?

LB: Mm-hmm.

Niki: And apparently people are trying to make a second weed holiday on 7/10. Do you know about this?

LB: No, why? Why?

Niki: I don’t know. Oh, no, Jordan, I don’t– I’m out of my juice. I don’t have any more. Yeah, it’s tough. Why are they trying to make a second 4/20? I don’t know. And I also don’t know why it’s on 7/10. Why do you think it’s on 7/10?

LB: Radio Disney.

Niki: That’s exactly– that’s literally, LB, exactly what I was thinking, because for–

LB: [laughs] AM 710, that’s Radio Disney.

Niki: AM 710, Radio Disney.

LB: You know, ‘cause you want to listen to Weird– if you get high, you want to listen to the Weird Al songs.

Niki: That’s exactly right. But then what did they do? [LB laughs] Disney and ESPN took it away from us, right?

LB: What?

Niki: They took AM 710 Radio Disney away from my generation.

LB: No! Really?

Niki: They swapped it with ESPN, because 710 was a better band than 1110, which is what ESPN was on. So they swapped them.

LB: But AM 710 was the sound– that’s Radio Disney.

Niki: Yeah. E-A-R-S 018. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not anymore. It’s 1110 now. Well, I mean, I actually don’t know if Radio Disney still exists, but like– well, hold on. [typing] Radio Disney dot com.

LB: That’s where I first heard Britney Spears’ cover of “My Prerogative”

Niki: Wow.

LB: In someone’s dad’s car on the way to a field trip.

Niki: Can you go to radiodisney.com for me, please?

LB: Sure.

Niki: And read to– and tell the audience what you kind of see? ‘Cause I just want to make sure that I’m not the only person experiencing this.

LB: Radiodisney.com.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Radio Disney, your music. Okay. [laughs] Which is a header.

Niki: Okay.

LB: It says Disney, Disney+, Parks and Travel, Movies, Shop, More.

Niki: Yes.

LB: There’s kind of a rounded logo that says Radio Disney. Uh, it is not linked.

Niki: Right.

LB: Then, uh, there’s a link to Daily Contest and Sweepstakes Rules, Station Information and EEO Report, KRDC-AM’s Online Public Inspection File, and then there’s the footer. It doesn’t–

Niki: So there’s nothing on the website.

LB: [laughs] There’s nothing on this website, no.

Niki: It’s just nothing. They’re just– it’s like nothing, nothing on it is interactable. Even if– oh, wait, no. I clicked on the– oh, now I’m looking at the code word of the day. Did you ever call into Radio Disney?

LB: Uh, I didn’t listen to Radio Disney myself. I only listened to it in other people’s parents’ cars.

Niki: Mm. So did they ever call in?

LB: Yes.

Niki: Did they ever get on the radio? Did they ever win anything?

LB: I have no idea.

Niki: Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

LB: They have a Twitter.

Niki: Still? Are they updating it?

LB: Uh, most recent tweet is June 29.

Niki: That’s updated. How do they have Twitter but no website?

LB: I don’t know. Maybe they know that the kids don’t use website anymore.

Niki: Maybe– um, you know what, though?

LB: ‘Cause it’s for kids, you know?

Niki: This is not a real, um…this is not a real Twitter account.

LB: Oh, it’s not the…

Niki: This Twitter account is just getting–

LB: It’s verified.

Niki: Well, no, no, no, but I think it’s just getting leftover, like, promo tweets.

LB: It’s followed by BTS and Lil Nas X.

Niki: I think they just…

LB: I don’t know how…that seems real.

Niki: I think they just were like, “We can’t throw this Twitter account away, ’cause it has 2 million followers.” Because like, why is the Radio Disney Twitter account posting about Hocus Pocus 2?

LB: Mm…

Niki: You know?

LB: That’s a good question.

Niki: Like, they don’t have any business doing that. Why are they posting about…well, I was gonna say, “Why are they posting about Bonnaroo?” but that one makes sense.

LB: They’re also posting on their Facebook.

Niki: The same…the same posts?

LB: The same posts and same dates.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Okay, there’s one post about High School Musical: The Musical, the show?

Niki: The show? Yeah.

LB: And then there’s a comment on it from Dan Dawson, and it really like encapsulates what it’s like to run a social media account [Niki: “Yeah”] and look at Facebook comments. And here’s the comment: “Is it necessary to have the word musical in the title twice? It’s obvious that it is a high school musical.”

Niki: Wow.

LB: One week ago. This is– only Most Relevant is being shown.

Niki: Did he get a reply?

LB: Uh, let’s see all comments. It’s the only comment.

Niki: It’s the only comment.

LB: [laughs] On this post.

Niki: So, no one decided that they were gonna waste some of their life on this earth kind of explaining to him what the…what words mean, I guess.

LB: Okay, there’s a Disney pride playlist they posted on June 20, and Vanessa Sanchez comments, “Wow, I’m so surprised I found your guys’ Facebook page. I thought Radio Disney shut down,” surprised face.

Niki: Well, it’s ’cause they did.

LB: So I guess it shut down.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: That’s what Vanessa says.

Niki: RIP.


Niki: Thank you, Vanessa, for teaching us about…

LB: Thank you, Vanessa.

Niki: Why did Vanessa turn off Radio Disney?

LB: Well, she didn’t turn it off. She was missing it.

Niki: Oh, on December 3 2020, Disney announced that Radio Disney and Radio Disney Country would be shut down in the first quarter of 2021.

LB: Radio Disney– there was a Radio Disney Country?

Niki: Apparently. I just learned that right now.

LB: I don’t think we had that here.

Niki: No. On April 14 2021, Radio Disney ceased broadcast when its last remaining terrestrial station, KRDC—which was the Los Angeles station—was quietly changed to a simulcast of KSPN and ESPN radio frequency.

LB: Fuck you, ESPN! This is what they took from us.

Niki: But in its last day, it did become Radio Disney AM 710.

LB: It did. One last time.

Niki: So it kind of, on the way in, as it, um, what the…as it is, as it goes, like the saying.

LB: I remember I heard, um, the Star Wars Weird Al song.

Niki: Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

LB: I heard that on Radio Disney, also in a car belonging to someone’s parents.

Niki: Can I read you the Radio Disney Family Pledge?

LB: Oh, please read me the Radio Disney Family Pledge. [Niki laughs] Take it away.

Niki: Yeah, okay. Wait, I’m trying to see if there’s any context for this.

LB: Okay. [laughs] Are we taking this pledge?

Niki: Okay, the–

LB: Are we making this pledge ourselves? Let’s hear it first and the decide if we agree with it.

Niki: Wait, here’s the context. The network ran its Radio Disney Project Family initiative from July 1 to September 15 2003, with family themed programming and events to get family to sign onto the Radio Disney Family Pledge. Here is the Radio Disney Family Pledge.

LB: Okay.

Niki: “Because my family matters, I promise to spend at least one hour each week with my family participating in fun things that draw us together and celebrate what makes us unique.”

LB: I mean, that’s what this show is.

Niki: That’s our pledge now.

LB: That’s what we do. We already do this.

Niki: Can I edit this Wikipedia page? Of course. Yes, I can! [LB laughs] Let me just scroll down to…control F Radio Disney Family Pledge, and I’m just gonna swap that. I’m just gonna copy this, and then the Friends Reunion Listener Pledge. [LB laughs] Uh, edit summary. Updating the, um…

LB: Can we get a screenshot of that and just send it to the, uh…

Niki: Yeah. [typing] Updating the table to reflect the fact that now this slogan is used by another entity. [LB laughs] Publish changes. Let me just scroll down. All right, perfect. Yeah, there it is. It’s right there.

LB: Do you need to put a citation link?

Niki: Well, but the episode’s not up.

LB: ‘Cause you could just link to the podcast.

Niki: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll just put it on the– yeah, so hopefully they don’t take it down between now and then.

LB: I mean, who is checking the Radio Disney Wikipedia?

Niki: [scoffs] Me. [both laugh] Us, the two of us right now. It’s not vandalism.

LB: The screenshot doesn’t have anything about– oh, Friends Reunion Listener Pledge. There it is!

Niki: Yeah. I changed it in the table.

LB: [laughs] It’s beautiful.

Niki: Did you ever do any Wikipedia vandalism that stuck?

LB: Uh, I don’t think so.

Niki: When I was–

LB: Maybe? I would’ve forgotten. I would’ve done it in such a like manic state, I would’ve immediately forgotten it.

Niki: Mm. When I was in middle school…

LB: Mm-hmm.

Niki: I feel like I might have talked about this on this program before. I made an edit to the Legoland Wikipedia, ‘cause I was trying to think about things that I could edit that people would not notice, so I made an edit to the Legoland Wikipedia page in the Miniland section, and then I said something like, “There are llamas visible on the hill,” which I thought was so fucking funny, ’cause Lamas were really funny at the time, ’cause it was 2007.

LB: Llamas are really funny when you’re a kid.

Niki: It was 2007. Like, Charlie the Unicorn was there. There were a lot of llama jokes in that, I think, maybe. It has two Ls in the front of it. That’s weird. Anyway, that was up there for a very long time before they took it down, I would assume sometime in the last 10 years.

LB: Was Monty Python and the Holy Grail like the origin of Lamas being funny?

Niki: I don’t– I’ve never seen that, so I don’t know.

LB: It’s a movie, um, that nerds like?

Niki: Is that where the how fast the swallow swallows or whatever?

LB: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s like, it’s something that was very important to me at one point in my life.

Niki: Mm.

LB: But there is a bit, a thing where they just kind of break into a whole thing about llamas.

Niki: Mm. Well, let me actually see. Well, because the Wikipedia page is kind of all of– it’s all of our histories, right? If I look at the last 500 edits and I go back to 2000 and…let’s see.

LB: Are you looking at the Legoland Wikipedia to try and find your edit from when you were a child?

Niki: Yeah, I’m trying to see if my edit is still here.

LB: That’s incredible. Uh, Wikipedia did not exist yet when I was in middle school. It came about when I was in high school, but I was pretty like old teen at that point, where I was just like reading for my own interest.

Niki: Did you have like encyclopedia?

LB: What do you mean?

Niki: Back then?

LB: Like, my own encyclopedia?

Niki: No, no. Like, if you wanted to look up like…fucking, I don’t know.

LB: Depends on what I wanted to look up.

Niki: If you wanted a summary of Ronald Reagan’s life, where would– how did you get it? Where did you go?

LB: Encarta?

Niki: Mm, Encarta Britannica. Was that the same thing? Or Britannica’s separate thing.

LB: Encarta was like Microsoft’s computer encyclopedia.

Niki: Mm. Was it good? Did it have video?

LB: It had a game that merritt wrote about.

Niki: What?

LB: It had like this game where you were in this like medieval labyrinth and you had to answer trivia questions about facts in different categories to like escape the labyrinth. It was so much fun. merritt did it in one of her Throwback Thursday columns a few weeks ago. It was, uh, Encarta MindMaze. It was incredibly fun.

Niki: That sounds sick.

LB: It was so cool. Like, the look was really cool, was that like very classic like mid 90s weird. I don’t know. I loved it. I feel like a lot of the things I know that are weird facts I know from that. But like, it depended on what I wanted to know about. So like, if I wanted to know about a weird movie thing, [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] I’d like look it up on Google, which was like a pretty decent search engine back in those days. Not like now.

Niki: Wait. Sorry, wait, you could– wait. So you would type a thing into Google.

LB: Uh huh, and they wouldn’t try to sell me anything. It would just give information.

Niki: Whoa.

LB: Yeah, it was insane. This was like the early 2000s. And they had like fan sites about different things. So I learned all about David Bowie on like David Bowie fan sites when I was a kid.

Niki: How much incorrect information do you think you picked up that way?

LB: Uh…I mean, there was one fan site just about his dick that I’m pretty sure was full of misinformation, [Niki laughs] but it was like in a fun way, you know?

Niki: [laughs] Yeah, healthy misinformation.

LB: Healthy mis– like our show! Like our show.

Niki: Like our show. Yeah.

LB: Like, it really– yeah, like it inspired me to go on my path. But there was actually this great website that I think still is just called AllMusic, where if I wanted– it’s way better–

Niki: All music?

LB: Allmusic.com. It’s way better than Wikipedia for like falling into a hole and doing research. So like, let’s say like I would hear a band and I liked it, I would type it into AllMusic, and then it would be like, “Bands influenced by this band,” and “This band was influenced by these bands.” So I could like do a whole–

Niki: That sounds incredible.

LB: It was the best. It was so much better than Wikipedia. So yeah, I could be like, I could type in like Pavement, and it would say, “This band was influenced by the Fall.”

Niki: Paradise. Oh.

LB: So I would click the Fall, and I’d learn all about them. And it was like, for a huge dork, which is what I am and was, [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] like, it was huge.

Niki: Mm. That sounds sick.

LB: But also, when Wikipedia came out, I fell in love with Wikipedia, but for the same like dorky reasons. I wasn’t having fun goofing around. I was pretty serious.

Niki: Yeah. I did a lot of just like reading of the Wikipedia in class, because for a long time…then they were teaching us how to type. I like figured out how to type really easy, [LB: “Yeah”] really quickly, ’cause it was easy.

LB: Mm-hmm.

Niki: And we would do these typing tests, and I figured out that you could just upload TXT files into the folder that the software looked at for the tests. And I would just rename it whatever the test everybody else was taking, and then I would– in the TXT file, it would just be like “apple” one time, and I would type “apple,” [LB laughs] and then I would wait until the person sitting next to me finished, and then I would submit mine. But in the meantime, I was on the internet, just kind of browsing, looking at JPEGs and stuff, just like hanging out.

LB: That’s so fun.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: And like, it probably has bitten me in the ass, ’cause like now I can’t type anymore. [LB laughs] Like, I don’t– I’ve never spelled a word correctly when using a keyboard now.

LB: Mm-hmm.

Niki: But it was okay. I’m okay at it.

LB: You’re fast enough. It’s not like you’re a court scran tort.

Niki: Yep. [both laugh]

LB: It’s not like you’re a torte! [laughs]

Niki: A tort can striver.

LB: It’s not like you’re a delicious torte! A court transcriptionist.

Niki: Yeah. No, that’s not me. But do you– how long do you think it would take…how long do you think it would take for you to learn the stenographer keyboard? Have you seen that thing?

LB: Uh, let me look it up. It’s crazy looking, right?

Niki: Yeah, it’s really sick. There’s like, not all of the letters are there, and it’s got like four space bars or some shit.

LB: Uh, maybe like a month?

Niki: It would only take you one month?

LB: I’m a freak.

Niki: You should do it.

LB: As long as I kept doing it, as long as I kept doing it every day afterwards, I could learn it in a month.

Niki: You should do it. Do it right– you’ve been challenged.

LB: I’m not going to…

Niki: Oh.

LB: Oh, wait. What?

Niki: What?

LB: This is what it looks like when you– I don’t know if I could learn this.

Niki: Wait.

LB: Am I doing anything else other than learning this?

Niki: Oh.

LB: Like, do I have to still do my job?

Niki: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to do your job with this keyboard.

LB: Oh, it would take me like a year. [both laugh]

Niki: How many key presses does it take to type Twitter out?

LB: I don’t know.

Niki: Oh, okay. Perfect. Jordan has sent a very…uh…gauge. Oh, you have to– you do it. Wait, okay. To type gauge, which is the [LB: “What?”] word that everyone knows, G-A-U-G-E, you have to spell it out phonetically, which is G, A, and then the letter J. GAJ, which I guess makes sense. And then, we now have the button combination that you have to put in for the four letter– five letter word gauge.

LB: I could never learn this.

Niki: You would have to type in T K P W A E U P B L G. That can’t be faster.

LB: Maybe this is– they developed this in the typewriter times when you couldn’t press two keys at the same time.

Niki: Mm. Remember that?

LB: No.

Niki: Oh, I guess not on typewriter.

LB: It was before we were born.

Niki: Remember when phone could not do multiple press at same time, could only do one touch at same time?

LB: Mm-hmm.

Niki: On your like Palm Treo or whatever the fuck.

LB: My Palm Treo. Uh, you mean my Nokia brick? My Motorola Razr?

Niki: Damn.

LB: Can you believe that I had, like– I had some of the most iconic phones.

Niki: I know. Phones used to be cool. You can’t start me on this, LB. We can’t go down this road.

LB: Okay, we can’t go down this road.

Niki: Phones used to be cool, and now the government is trying to make ’em not– well, is not trying. They succeeded in making them not cool anymore. Now they’re all just fucking rectangles, and Apple’s like, “Hey, don’t you want to fuck this one? It’s green now.” And then, because like every other phone is a black rectangle, you’re like, “Maybe I do want to fuck this phone ’cause it’s green now. Like, I don’t know.” And then you have to like think about what that means for you and your family, you know?

LB: And Niki’s just like, why can’t we go back to the Palm Pre?

Niki: Yeah, oh my God! Exactly. They should let you make a Palm Pre again. Someone should have the fucking courage to make a weird phone again.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Make a phone intentionally bad like they used to. [LB laughs] Remember when they used to make bad phones on purpose?

LB: Well, they were experimenting with what a phone is.

Niki: For poor people. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

LB: Oh, you mean just the one with like one button?

Niki: Yes, yes, yes.

LB: For old?

Niki: Yes! Yes.

LB: [laughs] That was an incredible phone?

Niki: They used to make bad, worse phones for old people and for poor people, and they just were worse phones.

LB: That’s true.

Niki: Jordan, did you have this Dell phone?

LB: Like a 2008 Cricket Wireless phone?

Niki: Yeah. Yeah. Or like, you would get a phone– the phone I remember all the time is there was, after Verizon put out the Droid and then everyone was like, “Whoa, it’s for men,” they were like, but we have to sell it to women. So they were like, [LB laughs] what word mean woman? What word sound woman? So they were like, it’s still gotta have Droid in it. So they were like, HTC, your phone is called the HTC Droid desire, Eris, for women.

LB: [gasps] I forgot about that one.

Niki: For women. And then there was also one…oh my God. HTC did this all the fucking time. There was one where they were like, this one’s for women ’cause it has a keychain, and the keychain has an LED in it, so you attach it to your– it does Bluetooth, and you attach it to your keys, and you can see what notification comes up. Legitimately a good idea.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Sold very poorly. [laughs]

LB: Who made the Chocolate?

Niki: LG.


Niki: Who does not make phones anymore.

LB: Tragic. [Niki sighs] Sorry.

Niki: Damn, I want this Dell phone. Girls’ Generation did a song about the LG Chocolate? Or is this unrelated?

LB: Yeah, they did.

Niki: Wait, they did?

LB: Yes.

Niki: How the fuck old is Girls’ Generation? Do they still make music?

LB: They were 2007. Uh, no, they are no longer doing it, but they’re coming back. Eight of the nine of them are coming back this year. The ninth doesn’t get to be in the band anymore ever, [Niki: “Oh”] because she keeps getting in trouble.

Niki: Oh. Like, good trouble or like bad trouble?

LB: Like very minor trouble. She got kicked out of the band for like starting a fashion label [Niki: “What?”] or like an accessories label without permission from the company?

Niki: That’s not even a crime.

LB: I mean, it was in violation of her contract, [Niki: “Mm”] that she was supposed to talk to them about like business stuff. And then, uh, she wrote two YA novels with a ghostwriter about like, I don’t know, a K-pop girl group called like…Female Time or something.

Niki: Mirls Memoration. [both laugh]

LB: Time for Girl! About how bad that company– about like how bad it is do that job.

Niki: Nah, I get that. That’s tough.

LB: So now they– she’s not invited.

Niki: They shouldn’t have done– shouldn’t have done that, IMO.

LB: We’re torturing Jordo right now by talking about this without him.

Niki: Why would you fuck up the bag like that? That seems like a very avoidable bag fuckup.

LB: Yeah. I mean, the thing is it’s like, Jessica probably thought, like, “Girls’ Generation is nine. They can’t be Girls Generation without me. I’m like one of the strongest vocals in the group. Uh, I’m really good looking.”

Niki: Mm-hmm.

LB: “I’m a good dancer. I’m, you know–”

Niki: There’s always another one.

LB: “No one else harmonizes with Taeyeon like me. They can’t get rid of me.”

Niki: And what did they do?

LB: They did. [both laugh] They absolutely did.

Niki: What are you gonna do, stab me?

LB: Jordo says, “even if she can’t remember the choreo.” [laughing] Well, yeah, maybe if she hadn’t been so busy starting like another company, she would have had time to like learn her choreography. Yeah, they were the biggest girl group in the, you know, in– I don’t know, I would say the world, maybe not the world. They were really big.

Niki: Even bigger than Destiny’s Child?

LB: No.

Niki: Oh.

LB: [laughs] Because Destiny’s Child were no longer active at that point.

Niki: Wait, what year did you say? [laughs]

LB: 2007.

Niki: Oh, 2007. 2007, that’s after.

LB: Yeah, Destiny’s Child had basically like just stopped being active altogether.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: I would say. Right?

Niki: Um…when–

LB: The last Destiny’s Child song I remember is like “Cater to you.”

Niki: [typing] Destiny’s Child.

LB: Which is probably 2004?

Niki: Um, 2006, they broke up.

LB: 2006. Yeah, exactly. 2006, Destiny’s Child breaks up. Who will carry the torch of being girls into the next generation? Girls’ Generation, “Into the New World.”

Niki: They did literally used to be called Girl’s Tyme.

LB: [laughs] They did?

Niki: The group began their musical career– this is the Destiny’s Child Wikipedia page.

LB: Wait!

Niki: And I didn’t just change this.

LB: Wait! [laughs]

Niki: “The girl group began its musical career as Girl’s Tyme, formed in 1990 in Houston, Texas.”

LB: Oh, when they were kids and they were doing their like kids’ girl group together in their little matching costumes [Niki: “Yeah, yeah”] that I think Beyonce’s mom made?

Niki: Yes. And then in 1997, they were signed to Columbia Records as Destiny’s Child.

LB: Oh my God. What a debut, also.

Niki: But they were called Girl’s Tyme, with a Y.

LB: You were like a baby when Destiny’s Child came out, when they debuted.

Niki: I was negative five years old.

LB: Well, no, when they debuted.

Niki: Oh, I was two years old.

LB: As Destiny’s Child. When was that?

Niki: 1997. I was two.

LB: But when did they like…oh, I guess that was– wow, did they? That was really 1997?

Niki: Yeah.

LB: What was the first Destiny’s Child that I bought? Okay, that was Writing’s on the Wall, in ‘99.

Niki: Which of the Destiny Childs did you buy first?

LB: The Writing’s on the Wall is the first Destiny’s Child I bought. It was the big…yeah. That had like all the hits.

Niki: Damn. Congrats to Destiny’s Child.

LB: Oh, of course it was 1999, because all the songs start with “Darkchild 99,” ’cause that was the producer.

Niki: Oh, that was the producer, and that’s how you knew what year it was.

LB: [laughs] That’s how you knew who produced it and what year it was!

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Which is honestly like, as a dork who’s interested in history and archiving?

Niki: Yeah, it’s very helpful.

LB: That should be the practice across the board!

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Like, say what year it is in the song. [laughing] Wait, did I ever tell you this story about my mom? That she thought saying, “I’m sorry,” and the year was a thing that young people did?

Niki: Wait.

LB: [laughing] Because of “This is my sorry for 2004” by Ruben Studdard, and that she did this up until quite recently?

Niki: Why did– did you– who told her that it was not that?

LB: [laughing] That was me, ’cause I didn’t know what she was saying!

Niki: Oh my God. I can’t believe…

LB: She didn’t do it to me. She did it like to other– to be people out in the world, like professionally.

Niki: Okay. So in 2004, Ruben Studdard released a song. What was it called? What is the official name of this track? [typing] Ruben Studdard…

LB: “Sorry 2004.”

Niki: “Sorry 2004.” And your mom–

LB: Which isn’t even from 2004, it’s from 2003, but yeah, okay.

Niki: Oh. Maybe he was apologizing for the sins he was going to do.

LB: [laughs] Apologizing in advance. [Niki laughs] Or maybe it was like– okay. It came out December 12 2003. Maybe he recorded it in autumn, and it was like a Yom Kippur kind of thing.

Niki: Mm. Ruben Studdard, Jew.

LB: [laughs] Famously Jewish.

Niki: Famously Jewish, the first Jewish person to win American Idol, and that’s why that was so important. [both laugh]

LB: That’s why that was important, exactly. So, when that happened–

Niki: Wait, who’s your favorite American Idol winner?

LB: Uh, probably Kelly Clarkson, I don’t know.

Niki: That’s easy. Boo!

LB: Yeah, ’cause I never watched American Idol, and I liked that one song she did.

Niki: Which one?

LB: You know, the one, the good one.

Niki: Which one?

LB: What’s that good one?

Niki: Which one?

LB: [laughs] You know the one, the good one.

Niki: [laughs quietly] Which one?

LB: The really good one? The fucking banger that she did?

Niki: Which one, though? [laughs]

LB: [laughing] It’s like, she’s like not happy about it, you know? She’s telling you all these things about her feelings.

Niki: Uh huh?

LB: And she’s all strong. [laughing] I don’t remember what it’s called or how it goes, but I remember liking it. What’s that song? Niki, you know! You’re just being mean to me on my birthday!

Niki: No, I’m going to type– I’m typing in Kelly Clarkson into the internet.

LB: [laughs] Jordo, do you know what song I mean?

Niki: Is it “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”? That song–

LB: “Since You’ve Been Gone.”

Niki: [singing] “Since you’ve been gone.”

LB: That’s a fucking tune.

Niki: “I cannot breathe for the first time.” Um, that song came out…wait, is that not what this song is?

LB: “Since You’ve Been Gone,” yeah.

Niki: Oh, I CAN breathe for the first–

LB: I CAN breathe.

Niki: That makes way more sense! Whoa! That makes so much more sense!

LB: [laughing] I can’t breathe the first time?

Niki: Whoa!

LB: Yeah, she’s doing good. She’s strong, and she doesn’t need you.

Niki: She CAN breathe now for the first time.

LB: Yeah, it’s a good song.

Niki: Whoa. Well, good for her. Um…Carrie Underwood was there.

LB: Really? She was on that show?

Niki: Mm-hmm. She won season four.

LB: See, I never watched it.

Niki: Oh.

LB: It kind of came out when I was not watching shows like that.

Niki: I think Carrie Underwood better than Kelly Clarkson. That’s my take. I think–

LB: But did she do a song as good as “Since You’ve Been Gone”?

Niki: I think “Before He Cheats” is a better song than “Since You’ve Been Gone,” yeah.

LB: I don’t know– how does that one go? Sing it.

Niki: [singing] “Dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up–”

LB: Oh, that is a good song.

Niki: It’s a better song. I think it’s a better song than “Since You’ve Been Gone.”

LB: That’s a really good song.

Niki: Like, I think they’re both incredible pieces of work, but I think it’s a better song. However, is the rest of Carrie Underwood’s ouvre as good as Kelly Clarkson’s? No, I guess not.

LB: Who’s your favorite American Idol winner?

Niki: I’m scrolling. Jordan Sparks, pretty good. As far as like, uh, contributions to us, and by “us,” I mean my people. Now, which one’s Daughtry? When was that? Who’s Daughtry?

LB: Who? Who?

Niki: Daughtry? Dowg-try. Dowj-try?

LB: I don’t know who that is.

Niki: Daughtry? The band, dowj–

LB: I don’t know. I don’t know.

Niki: Dawj-try.

LB: [laughs] You’re gonna keep saying this word in different ways.

Niki: Well, ’cause I don’t know how to spell it.

LB: And I still don’t know what it is!

Niki: You spell Daughtry D-A-U-G-H-T-R-Y. Oh, he didn’t even fucking win. Wait, what? Okay. Daughtry did not win season five of American Idol. Who won season five of American Idol? Hold on. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this. Don’t go– hey, folks at home, don’t go anywhere. Listen to this ad, and by the time–

LB: Why would– yeah, there’s no way I was watching American Idol in 2006. I was doing drug.

Niki: Listen to this ad, and by the time we come back, I will find out who has won, [LB laughs] who won the fifth season of American Idol, because I still haven’t found it.

[crowd noises in background]

LB: Ugh. What time did John’s shuttle say it was gonna come?

Niki: It said whenever it gets here.

LB: That’s so maybe long.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Or maybe it could be any second. I miss John! I want to see John now! I want to talk to John now!

Niki: I want to talk to John now.

LB: How do I do that? How do we hear John right now?

Niki: Well, we can listen to John right now by opening our favorite podcast app– apper.

LB: Okay. And we open it?

Niki: Our favorite pod– what are they called?

LB: Podcast application?

Niki: No, but there’s like another word that they use.

LB: Podcatcher?

Niki: That’s the one! Podcatcher.

LB: Okay, I opened it. Do I just search “John, my friend” or what?

Niki: No, search “John Warren Fanbyte.” Thanks for the Knowledge is the name of the show.

LB: [slowly] Fanbyte Thanks–

Niki: That’s how you know it’s the right one.

LB: Oh, Thanks for the Knowledge! Here it is!

Niki: Yeah, Thanks for the Knowledge.

LB: Okay, podcast Fanbyte.

Niki: Yeah, it’s a–

LB: This is John?

Niki: This is John. He talks about the news every Sunday. Last week– well, I don’t want to date this episode, but on a previous episode of the program, he had Jeff Gerstmann on from Jeff Gerstmann.

LB: Oh shit!

Niki: From the T– from G4, he was on it. [both laugh]

LB: From the news. This child comes on the news to talk about video games in the nineties, Jeff Gerstmann.

Niki: From the Today Show, Jeff Gerstmann. And he was on it–

LB: Yeah, this episode is about 2022’s best game so far, Overwatch 2, AEW, and more. This looks great.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: What does this say? Every Sunday, Fanbyte’s John Warren—that’s our friend who’s usually on this show, but right now he is on the International Space Station, and we miss him—brings you a weekly roundup of the biggest news headlines in video games and entertainment. That sounds really informative. Plus, oh, interviews with industry professionals from around the gaming world.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

LB: Wow. I get why this show is called Thanks for the Knowledge, [Niki: “Yeah”] ’cause it probably informs you of things.

Niki: It used to be– you used to have to pay for it, you know? Like, remember in the olden days when you had to get– you get on your Southwest flight, and they would be like, “Here’s your like bag of peanuts, and it costs $75,” and then they were like, “Not anymore, it’s free.” This podcast is free.

LB: So you’re saying John had to pay money for…

Niki: To eat on the shuttle? Yeah. You think they just give you food on there?

LB: I don’t know.

Niki: There’s food up there.

LB: They give me food on the International Space Station shuttle.

Niki: Well, that’s ’cause you’re nice.

LB: That’s ’cause I’m nice?

Niki: Yeah, John is very rude up there. [LB laughs] He’s like throw–

LB: He’s throwing his weight around?

Niki: He’s throwing things on this shuttle.

LB: Great podcaster, though. Really rude customer, incredible podcaster, [both laugh] so you should listen to Thanks for the Knowledge if you miss John like we do.

Niki: Rest in peace, John, wherever you are.

LB: [laughs] Oh, wait! Doo doo. It’s coming. It’s landing right now! That was– that wasn’t my voice. That was the shuttle. He’ll be back next week.

Niki: Oh. Wait, the shuttle made the noise that the New York subway system makes to tell you that the train is here?

LB: Yeah, to tell you that the shuttle’s here. [both laugh] They just reused it.

Niki: Wow. It’s a good MP3.

LB: Reduce, reuse, recycle.

Niki: Yeah.

[crowd noises stop]

Niki: And we’re back.

LB: [laughs] Who won the fifth season of American Idol?

Niki: It was some guy named Taylor Hicks.

LB: Who’s this guy?

Niki: I’ve never seen this man before in my fucking life. He was in Grease.

LB: He looks like, uh, the guy from Great British Bake Off. Doesn’t he?

Niki: Does he?

LB: Yeah.

Niki: He looks like Jay Leno.

LB: [laughs] He looks like both of them, the two of them combined. [Niki laughs] He looks like Paul Hollywood and Jay Leno combined. [laughs]

Niki: Paul Hollywood and Jay Leno. Paul Leno.

LB: Just the most insane looking person. [both laugh] I think he looks like Paul Hollywood.

Niki: There is no way this dude was 29 on the show when this image was taken. I fucking refuse to believe this man was 29.

LB: Some people gray young.

Niki: That’s tough.

LB: Not everyone can look like us.

Niki: Jordan Sparks was 17 when she won. Um, Philip Phillips.

LB: Were you a big American Idol fan? Did you vote?

Niki: No, I did not participate.

LB: You never voted?

Niki: No, I didn’t vote one time. There was a girl at my high school who was on American Idol, who went around telling people that she was on American Idol, and we were all kind of like, “Okay,” ’cause she was weird. And we were like, that’s a reasonable lie for a person to tell, because it’s Los Angeles, and the odds of a person having gone actually to wherever the fuck they did the auditions for American Idol, very high.

LB: Very high, yeah.

Niki: So like, we were like, “Sure. She’ll never make it on TV.” And then she came to school one day and was like, “My episode is on today,” and we were like, “Okay.” So everyone went home and watched it, and she was– it was, A) awful, and B) it was one of the ones that they put in to break the emotional tension of one that was like very close but they were very good.

LB: Mm.

Niki: You know what I mean? Where it’s like, they only can get two out of the three lads that they needed to vote, so then there’s like internal strife, ’cause they’re like, “There’s only so many slots!” and then you’re sad, but then they’re like, “But here’s a comedy one,” [LB laughs] and she was the comedy one.

LB: Yeah, I do know that.

Niki: And then she never showed back up at school again.

LB: Ohh! That’s so rough.

Niki: But we didn’t even get to bully her over it, [LB: “That’s good”] that’s what I’m saying. So like, I don’t know if that’s why she left or for unrelated reasons. Jordan says that she might have died. Entirely possible.

LB: I found a picture of me when I was 17.

Niki: Are you watching American idol?

LB: No.

Niki: Are you doing drug?

LB: I’m at a Dan Deacon concert.

Niki: Oh. Did you do drug before that concert?

LB: I think I maybe had– no, I probably had like a PBR afterwards.

Niki: Who the fucking– who the fuck is Dan Deacon?

LB: He’s that guy. You know, he does like little songs.

Niki: He’s a guy that does little songs.

LB: It was very cool. It was like very cool and fun in 2007.

Niki: Was, um…Dan Deacon. Oh, he’s got a hat.

LB: He’s like, you know, a guy who looks like the kind of guy you’d…who’s from that time.

Niki: Yeah. I know how this music sounds, now that I’ve seen him.

LB: Yeah. He had like a, you know.

Niki: He’s got a hat.

LB: He had like a little iPod mini taped to a banana.

Niki: Perfect, yeah.

LB: Hooked up to like a bunch of beeps and boops in a room.

Niki: I love that.

LB: At a ??? and it was fun. Here’s me with my orange hair.

Niki: He did the soundtrack to Ballers.

LB: So now he’s set for life, from the Ballers money.

Niki: Sorry, not Ballers, Hustle.

LB: [laughs softly] What is Hustle?

Niki: Sorry, the movie is– it’s the new Adam Sandler movie. You know how he does serious acting now?

LB: Oh, so he doesn’t have that sweet Ballers money.

Niki: No, he doesn’t have Ballers money, but he has Netflix money.

LB: ‘Cause like, if you did the music for ballers, you probably would be set for life. Did you ever watch that show?

Niki: No, but they–

LB: It looked incredibly boring.

Niki: It was very– yeah, it looked– that’s why I didn’t watch it, but it looked expensive.

LB: It did look expensive, which is why I think if you did the music for it, you’d be set for life.

Niki: Yeah. In this one, Adam Sandler is a guy who watches basketball players and tells teams to–

LB: Isn’t that what he did in his last movie, was a guy who watched basketball?

Niki: No, this one’s– so, he has watched basketball in both of these motion pictures.

LB: [laughs] Okay.

Niki: The ones where– the ones that are good that he’s made. [LB laughs] But in this one, [LB: “Mm-hmm”] he works for the team and he’s not doing illegal gambling on it.

LB: Mm. I see, I see. I haven’t seen the other one.

Niki: I haven’t either, ’cause it seems like it would scare me.

LB: I’ve never seen a good– I’ve never seen one of the prestigious Adam Sandler movies. I’ve seen none of them.

Niki: Yeah, I just feel like it would be scary for me to watch.

LB: It looks really stressful.

Niki: Yeah. And I don’t need that.

LB: Yeah. I’m already stressed out enough.

Niki: You know what I can do? I can sit in a dark room for 90 minutes and kind of get the exact same experience.

LB: [laughs] Just don’t watch anything.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Just sit alone with my thoughts. I’ll have the same kinds of anxiety and terror.

Niki: So I don’t need that in my life.

LB: That’s fair.

Niki: Um, how are you–

LB: Niki, it’s my birthday.

Niki: Yeah, what are you gonna do actually to celebrate?

LB: Uh, well, I’ve been working.

Niki: Okay, but after that.

LB: Um, I went to the doctor.

Niki: Okay.

LB: I don’t have any plans.

Niki: Did the doctor sing for you?

LB: No, but the nurse who took my blood pressure wished me happy birthday very emphatically.

Niki: Aw. That’s nice.

LB: Remember when I went and like saw a nurse before Riven?

Niki: Mm-hmm. Yes.

LB: And I was like, “This is the coolest nurse I’ve ever met.”

Niki: Yeah.

LB: It was the same one!

Niki: Same nurse?

LB: She’s so cool!

Niki: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LB: Same nurse. I love her.

Niki: Same nurse.

LB: Same nurse. I have no birthday plans.

Niki: Yeah. Can you get the nurse on the show the next time you, um…

LB: Uh, I’ll ask her next time. We have a good rapport.

Niki: Yeah. Get her on the show.

LB: What are your plans for my birthday? [laughs]

Niki: For your birthday?

LB: Are you doing anything fun?

Niki: Um…no, I don’t think so.

LB: That’s fair.

Niki: No, yeah, I don’t think so.

LB: I might go out to dinner this weekend. I don’t know.

Niki: Whoa!

LB: Whoa.

Niki: What have you been craving?

LB: Uh…I could fuck up like a spicy pasta.

Niki: Ooh, you, spicy noodles. Wow.

LB: Yeah, but like at a restaurant, you know?

Niki: Oh, I get it.

LB: Like a spicy spaghetti.

Niki: Oh, a spicy spaghett.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Spiceghetti.

LB: Um, what’s that place called? Superba? Superba? That place in Hollywood that replaced The Cat and Fiddle?

Niki: Superba! I’m gonna call it Superba.

LB: Superba. They do like a really good spicy shrimp spaghetti, and they have like really tasty breads that you can get with like really fancy herb butter, and it’s really good.

Niki: I love breads and butters.

LB: When you’re here, we should go. They have like…do you remember the– I think it was called The Cat and Fiddle on Sunset near the…

Niki: On Sunset? Yeah.

LB: Near the Scientology museum about psychiatry?

Niki: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I never went there, but is this what’s in there now?

LB: No, no. Well, The Cat and Fiddle or the psychiatry museum?

Niki: The psy– [laughs] yes.

LB: [laughs] The psychiatry museum is still there.

Niki: Okay, good.

LB: But instead of The Cat and Fiddle, it’s this place called Superba, and they have really tasty bread and a really pretty courtyard.

Niki: Sick.

LB: And like good cocktails.

Niki: I love me a good cocktail.

LB: We should go when you–

Niki: Yeah.

LB: You should come to LA, and we should go.

Niki: I’ve been–

LB: Have you been to the psychiatry museum?

Niki: I have not been to the psychiatry museum. Is there– do we have our own wings?

LB: It sucks in there.

Niki: Oh.

LB: I’ve been there.

Niki: Do you have a wing?

LB: Of my own? Why would I have my own wing? I do take a lot of psychiatric medication. [laughs]

Niki: Yeah. Like, for your contribution, for your and my contributions.

LB: Well, no, ’cause it’s called, um, Psychiatry and the Industry of Death.

Niki: Aw.

LB: There is a section towards the end where they indicate that SSRIs were the cause of 9/11?

Niki: Holy shit.

LB: Because some of the terrorists at 9/11 were on SSRIs?

Niki: Okay, I’m booking a flight right now. I’m booking a flight. [loud keyboard clacking] That’s me booking a flight.

LB: It opens– it’s a fucking nightmare. You go in and you sit in like a padded room, [Niki, disapproving: “Mm…”] where there’s like couches, and it shows like a little history video.

Niki: Mm…

LB: And then after that, it’s like a– it’s kind of structured like a ride, a little bit. [laughs] And then, after that, you go in, and there’s just all these displays about like all the horrible things that they’ve done in the history of psychiatry, which is true.

Niki: Can I read you the warning?

LB: Yes.

Niki: ‘Cause I found a picture of the warning. “Warning: graphic material. Psychiatry’s damaging and lethal, quote, ‘treatments’ are infamous. Psychiatrists claim their methods have changed. This shocking exhibit will give you the facts. You decide.”

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Like it’s a fucking epic rap battle of history.

LB: Yeah. Who made this museum? The Church of Scientology made this museum, Jordo! Of course they did. They hate– yeah, no, it’s a very frightening place.

Niki: Wait, can you do weed on Scientology?

LB: Probably, otherwise they would be out of business.

Niki: Mm.

LB: Can you do– you can’t be gay, but I think you can do weed.

Niki: Mm.

LB: But you maybe can’t do too much weed. Can you do– let’s ask. [typing] Can you do weed in Scientology?

Niki: I’m reading about the Sci org.

LB: Okay, there’s a documentary on scientology.org called The Truth About Marijuana.

Niki: Okay. So, no. The answer is no. [both laugh] You can’t. Got it. Got it. Good to know.

LB: Scientologists hate weed, and they want everyone to hate weed.

Niki: What the fuck? That explains so much.

LB: So maybe they aren’t allowed to smoke weed.

Niki: There’s no way Tom Cruise isn’t– okay. There’s lead– you know who I saw on television for an unbelievable amount of time last weekend?

LB: Tom Cruise?

Niki: Tom Cruise.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Do you know who looked fucking blitzed on the TV?

LB: Tom Cruise.

Niki: Tom Cruise.

LB: How do you get your weed to Silverstone? I guess ’cause you’re Tom Cruise and you get to take it on your private jet on your birthday.

Niki: ‘Cause you’re Tom Cruise. Yeah, what are they gonna do? Nothing.

LB: [laughs] Did you see him hanging out with Louis Hamilton’s dad?

Niki: Yeah, okay, I was trying–

LB: And with Checo Pérez’s dad?

Niki: I was with my friend Iris, and we were watching the race, and we were watching the post race coverage, and I was like, the odds that this man is walking around with all of these dads of very talented people being like, “Man, isn’t this nuts? Look at us. We’re here. We’re talking about– [LB laughs] we’re doing all the things that we set out to do. Our kids are here racing, [LB laughs] and it’s like I’m also here also racing.” [laughs] Because there was this one shot where Lewis’s dad like did the office spike to the camera, like trying to get you or I to help him.

LB: [laughs] How much do you think Tom Cruise is recruiting at these spots? Or do you think he’s over that now?

Niki: I think he’s over it now.

LB: And he’s just like over high of new Top Gun?

Niki: Yeah, the high of– and cocaine, yeah.

LB: And all the ??? getting excited about new Top Gun.

Niki: Yeah, I think–

LB: Did you see him doing the Korean finger heart [Niki: “No?”] when they went to South Korea to promote it?

Niki: Wow.

LB: Yeah, he did all this like idol stuff. It was very odd.

Niki: Wow. Congrats to the PR person that told him to do that.

LB: He’s been meowmeowified.

Niki: Wow. That sucks.

LB: Yeah, where is it? I’ll find it for you. I have it saved, of course.

Niki: It was just so weird. They showed– it was just so weird. They showed Gordon Ramsey in the paddock, and I was like, that makes sense.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Um, wow. Well. Yeah, he’s doing it.

LB: He’s doing it. Yeah, they showed Gordon Ramsey.

Niki: Is that Miles Teller? Is he in that movie?

LB: Yeah, he’s also in new Top Gun.

Niki: I get him and, um…

LB: Yeah.

Niki: What’s the other guy whose face looks like that?

LB: Mm-hmm.

Niki: It’s very smooth? He was in West Side Story. Ansel Elgort.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: And I think they’re the same guy.

LB: I get them confused, and then there’s that additional one.

Niki: There’s a third one?

LB: Yeah, the British one.

Niki: The Brit– there’s a British one of those?

LB: He played Elton John.

Niki: Oh! Taron Egton. Egerton.

LB: Yeah, I get them all confused.

Niki: Egel– Eggman. Tarnon Eggman.

LB: [laughs] Taron Eggman. Dr. Eggman, that’s right. [Niki laughs] Not the character, but the real man the character’s based on.

Niki: Yeah, Eggman. Folks, that’s gonna do it for this episode of Friends Reunion. We’ve had a great time celebrating LB’s birthday, not celebrating John’s birthday, because of again, the sins that he did on his birthday.

LB: Well, we are– the thing is we are gonna celebrate John’s birthday by watching Larry Crowne this month.

Niki: Oh. I forgot I said yes to that.

LB: Yeah, you did say yes to that.

Niki: If we just don’t remind him, though…

LB: I think he knows. I think he’ll remember, and I think he deserves it.

Niki: Ugh. You know what, it’s been a hard 365 days for John.

LB: Also, did I– uh, some dude who’s like a background character in this movie has a UFO YouTube show that Robbie used to watch or maybe still watches and claims that he almost played Rami Malek’s role.

Niki: Sure he did. [laughs]

LB: [laughs] So I’m really excited to see that.

Niki: Yeah, sure he did. Yeah, that’s it. LB, where can people find you on the internet? Wait, no. Do we do this in this?

LB: Well, we’ve already started it, so.

Niki: Nope. Okay, well, still do it. It’s gonna happen two times in this episode, just in case you forgot.

LB: We’re not doing it.

Niki: We’re not do–

LB: How do you find me on the internet? You don’t.

Niki: [laughs] Wait, so we should do it? We should do it.

LB: Okay. [Niki laughs] You can find me on Twitter at @hunktears. You can find me on Instagram at @hunktears. You can find me on Letterboxd, hunktears. You can find me on Cohost–

Niki: Yeah!

LB: [laughs] Spelled out E-L-B-Y.

Niki: Hell yeah.

LB: Where can people find you, Nicholas Grayson?

Niki: Oh. Hi. [laughs] You can fight me on Twitter at @godsewa, G-O-D-S-E-W-A and on Cohost at @niki or at @jpeg.

LB: Nice, you got JPEG.

Niki: I got JPEG, and I got @corn. [LB gasps] Like the food, not the band.

LB: Oh.

Niki: And I don’t really know what to do with that one.

LB: [laughs] You can do corn facts.

Niki: I think I might just start doing corn facts and like really high quality pictures of corn.

LB: I mean, if you think about it, corn is amazing.

Niki: You can do so much–

LB: Corn and potato?

Niki: You can turn corn into juice, and it’s sweet like sugar.

LB: It’s incredible.

About the Author

Jordan Mallory

Jordan is a frog that lives in Texas and loves Girls Generation. He's also Senior Podcast Producer! Before that he wrote video game news for almost ten years at a lot of websites you've heard of, including this one.