Because You’re So Smooth

... that's why we've made you this podcast, complete with transcript.

After what we can all agree was an exceptionally rough year, our Smooth Week 2022 episode of Friends Reunion (A Podcast for Discerning Listeners™) has finally arrived to buff out those sharp edges.

Unfortunately, resident Fanbyte Smoothness Expert™ LB Hunktears® (they have a PhD in Uniform Surfaces from the Hunktears Institute of Hunkology) was unable to make this recording session, as their skills were desperately needed to correct life-threatening abrasions aboard the International Space Station. We salute them and their service to our humble planet’s brave astronauts, who, like LB themself, risk life and limb every day to make the world a better place for SHINee and croissants. One might even say that they give their world to lift us up, and for this we are eternally grateful.

(You can also listen on Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts!)

Fear not however, as Niki and John — who also have PhDs, albeit in less impressive fields from less respected universities — ensure Smooth Week 2022 is one for the books by implementing a brand-new, never before attempted hybrid podcasting format, with a little help from our perpetually hiatus’d basketball podcast Corner Three, as well as artist and experimental musician callie g (@chuuurls). This new podcasting technology was developed especially for and during this episode, and while the experimental nature of this new style may be off-putting to some at first, but we sincerely believe that by the end of today’s episode, you will be left feeling so smooth, just like the ocean under the moon.

And hey, whether you love or hate this episode, let us known in the Friends Reunion channel of our Discord. If you said “this podcast ain’t good enough,” we would change our lives to better suit your mood. Such is the dedication we have to you, our beloved, perfectly round listener, because of the reason previously stated in the headline.

Friends Reunion Ep. 122: Smooth Week 2022 (feat. Corner Three)

Transcribed by E. Powers

John: Hello folks, do not adjust that dial. This is still Friends Reunion, a podcast for discerning listeners, but we are also Corner Three, a basketball podcast. Sponsored this week, of course–

Niki: Yeah!

John: Of course, sponsored by “Smooth” by Santana featuring Rob Thomas. It’s the sound of the summer. I’m here with my wonderful co-host Niki Grayson.

Niki: Thank you for having me. And thank you, Rob and Carlos, for having me also.

John: Rob and Carlos are here. They’re just sitting in the room. They don’t have a headset or a mic. I’m, of course, the other one of your hosts this week. I’m John Warren. LB Hunktears is on the International Space Station, but I know–

Niki: They’re buffing. They’re buffing it out.

John: They’re buff– they’re buffing out the space station?

Niki: Yeah, to make it smoother.

John: That’s great. Really good.

Niki: ‘Cause it’s got a lot of like like…it’s got a lot of jaggies on the outside.

John: Yep. That’s incredible.

Niki: It’s slowing it down. [laughs]

John: It’s slowing it down. [both laugh]

John: LB is sanding the space station. [both laugh]

Niki: Remember how in the Avengers game Captain America’s on the space station for some reason?

John: Uh huh.

Niki: Maybe that’s why they put him up there.

John: Maybe that’s why they put him up there.

Niki: Was ’cause they were like, he’s the only guy we could send that’s gonna be strong enough to smooth out the whole thing.

John: I don’t know if you’ve ever seen one of LB’s doodles of themself.

Niki: Yes, I have.

John: I want them to draw this tableau so bad.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Like, so bad. Astronaut Hunktears is a good image. But yeah, we decided, you know, it is smooth week here at Fanbyte. We had a wonderful smooth stream earlier.

Niki: We did. My hands hurt.

John: Yeah, I bet.

Niki: I’m gonna file a worker’s compensation lawsuit.

John: Wooow.

Niki: Is it worker’s comp if it’s your fault? [laughs]

John: I mean, I don’t know. What happened to Ren at her job?

Niki: [laughs] We’ll have to ask.

John: We’ll have to ask. Like, that was her fault, right? So.

Niki: That was on her, yeah.

John: Yeah.

Niki: She did slice her own hand open.

John: [laughs] Gosh. But yeah, we decided to come together and just talk about basketball today, because there’s a lot of–

Niki: What’s smoother than a basketball court?

John: What is smoother than a basketball court? [laughs]

Niki: Nothing.

John: Nothing. Nothing.

Niki: If they– [laughs] You know luge?

John: Yeah.

Niki: That’s all on a big basketball court. They just paint it ice blue so you think that it’s ice. It’s not.

John: Yeah.

Niki: It’s all hardwood.

John: It’s all hardwood.

Niki: They strip up all of the NBA courts, [both laugh] and they ship the wood every four years to whatever random country the winter Olympics are in.

John: God.

Niki: John, where do– sorry, hold on.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Where do you think the 202… [John laughs] 2025 Winter Olympics are?

John: You fucker. I can’t believe you’d ask me this on the spot. Okay.

Niki: Sorry, 2026. Where are they? [laughs]

John: 2026 Winter Olympics. Oh shit. Okay. God. God!

Niki: [laughs] You’re not gonna get it. There’s literally no way you’re gonna get it.

John: Um… [both laugh] Shit. I’m gonna say…I’m gonna say Bern, Switzerland.

Niki: Ooh! Actually, surprisingly close.

John: Okay.

Niki: Jordan says Myanmar. That’s pretty far off. It’s gonna be in Milan.

John: Oh, okay.

Niki: In Italy.

John: It’s gonna be in Milan?

Niki: Uh huh.

John: That’s weird. Okay.

Niki: Uh huh.

John: All right. Huh.

Niki: They’ve got the Alps, though, over there.

John: They do have the Alps. That’s true.

Niki: On the eastern part.

John: Yeah. Yeah, that’s true.

Niki: I think, right?

John: I don’t know.

Niki: No one’s quite sure about European geography.

John: No one’s quiet sure. No one’s sure about Italy, except it’s shaped like boot.

Niki: And Buca di Beppo.

John: [laughs] It’s shaped like a Buca di Beppo. Front to back, [both laugh] it’s a Buca di Beppo.

Niki: I think the inside of every Buca di Beppo should be shaped like Italy.

John: I totally agree.

Niki: Like, you should be able to sit in Sicily or sit at the top of the boot.

John: Oh, I thought you meant like, “Hey, can we get a four top in the heel, please?” [Niki laughs] That’s what I thought you meant.

Niki: Yeah. That’s what I mean.

John: Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Yeah, that sounds good. The heel is the most coveted spot, ’cause it’s like, you can see the rest of the restaurant. You’re kind of in the corner.

Niki: Yeah. And if the thing catches on fire, you’d be fucked though, huh?

John: Uh, yeah.

Niki: You gotta get through the furthest. Where’s the door?

John: Feels like this is the sequel to the corner episode, in a lot of ways.

Niki: [laughs] Basketball, John.

John: Not only because it’s Corner Three, but yeah.

Niki: Oh shit, it’s all connected.

John: Oh shit. It’s all connected. Yeah, so, you know, if you’re not a fan of basketball, you can skip this episode.

Niki: Yeah. Come back next week.

John: Actually, don’t do that. Listen to it and learn about basketball.

Niki: Well, just like keep playing it, but mute it. [John laughs] The analytics don’t know if you have it muted.

John: It’s not like Twitch.

Niki: But they do know if you leave early.

John: Yeah, it’s not like Twitch.

Niki: So, don’t leave early.

John: Yeah.

Niki:Just turn it down.

John: Just turn the volume down.

Niki: Go take a nap.

John: Go take a nap. You deserve it. We all deserve it. But you know, the day this goes up is my birthday. You ever think about that?

Niki: Happy birthday, John.

John: Thank you.

Niki: I do be thinking about that.

John: Aw, thanks.

John: I’m 37.

Niki: You’re 37?

John: Yeah.

Niki: Yeah.

John: That sucks.

Niki: That’s a lot of rotations around that midday sun, huh?

John: Yeah. [sighs] It is a lot of rotations around that midday sun. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own, you know, kind of trajectory.

Niki: I mean, it’s a lot, but it’s also not a lot, you know?

John: Yeah.

Niki: My therapist today– I was sad from alive, and today my therapist laughed at me and she was like, “How old are you?” [John laughs] I was like… [Niki laughs]

John: You know what? Sign of a great therapist, going like, “It could always be worse, whippersnapper. Anyway, that’s $300 or whatever.” [both laugh]

Niki: I was like, “26,” and she was like, “All right, call me back when you’re 48, and then call me again when you’re 69,” and I was like…

John: Wow. That’s a bit of a weird one, huh? [Niki laughs] That’s kind of a little bit of a weird one.

Niki: She was right, though, ’cause she was like, [John: “Yeah”] the pain that you feel right now will be nothing compared to the pain you will feel old. [laughs]

John: That is not a good thing to tell people! That is… [laughs]

Niki: It was good to tell me at the time. [laughs]

John: I mean, it is totally accurate. I mean, I do remember, when I turned 28, my…I know I tell this story a lot, but around the time I turned 28, I just kind of felt like there was something wrong with me.

Niki: Yeah.

John: And like, I just felt like, you know, I was like, I just feel kind of tired and fatigued and achy. And I went to a doctor about it, and she looked me dead in the face and said, “Yeah, this is about when your body starts to break down.” And I was like, “I’m sorry, it does what now? Like, what are you talking about?” And then it just hasn’t gotten better. So, you know, but it was good to have someone look at me and go like, yeah, it doesn’t– it’s not– you know what? Not uphill from here. Not uphill.

Niki: Yes. Yeah. I mean, I would say that most people’s lives at this point are just kind of– were never, it was never uphill, you know?

John: Right.

Niki: It kind of started at–

John: It kind of started downhill.

Niki: It started downhill.

John: Yeah.

Niki: And then there have been some blips upwards.

John: Yeah. Yeah.

Niki: But it’s like, on the whole, it’s kind of downhill.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Basketball, though, huh?

John: Basketball. We, you know, there’s a lot going on in basketball. Wouldn’t it be funny if we just kept saying it’s time to talk about basketball and we just never…

Niki: Never did?

John: Never fucking did. It’d be pretty funny.

Niki: And we just like never talked about how 15 minutes before we started this show, Kevin Durant said he wanted to leave the Nets. [laughs]

John: Kevin Durant. I mean, so, what, two days ago or whatever [Niki: “Yeah”] the Nets were like, we are prepared to lose both Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant. And then Kyrie Irving’s like, “Okay, I’ll stay.” And then today on June 30 as we’re recording this, Kevin Durant’s like, “Nah, I’m gonna go.”

Niki: I’m good, actually. Let me out.

John: I’m gonna go.

Niki: 30 seconds on Kevin Durant’s entire career.

John: Okay, go for it.

Niki: Okay. He played for the University of Texas.

John: Yep. And he was really good.

Niki: Really good. He had a body that scared me when I was a teenager, because I was like, this man’s gonna snap in half.

John: He looked like Slenderman.

Niki: Yeah. He looked like Slenderman, and I was like, if he goes into the NBA, he’s going to get broken in half on the court.

John: Yep.

Niki: But then he gained like muscle, but he still kind of looks like…

John: Yeah, he’s still like…

Niki: [laughs] He’s still pretty slim.

John: He’s still pretty weird to behold, I would say.

Niki: Yes.

John: Yeah.

Niki: He got drafted by the Seattle Supersonics. He played there for a year?

John: Yes.

Niki: And then the following year, the team moved to Oklahoma City, and then he was there for eight years.

John: Yep.

Niki: They were perennial playoff favorites. They got to the finals one time and lost to LeBron James.

John: Yep.

Niki: Then, KD’s contract was up. He forced his way out to the…oh, well, that’s it.

John: [laughs] Time’s up.

Niki: So now Kevin Durant– and now Kevin Durant is trying to go to the Phoenix Suns?

John: Yeah, it’s so weird. I just like, the idea– I get that that team is good. The Phoenix suns are– they’ve got some really incredible talent on their team.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

John: But it’s just still so funny to hear someone be like, “You know what? I want to leave Brooklyn and I want to go to Phoenix.” Like, it’s a… [laughs]

Niki: Phoenix. No one’s ever said that.

John: No one’s ever said that, ever.

Niki: I have like two que– okay. The teams that he has texted Shams about [John: “Yes”] are Phoenix, the 76ers, [John: “Uh huh”] which is like a late breaking addition, and Miami.

John: Yeah.

Niki: None of those teams have anything–

John: To send back.

Niki: To send back.

John: Nope.

Niki: So I don’t really understand…

John: No idea.

Niki: Like, unless Brooklyn…and like, I don’t know. Brooklyn seems like a– I think Brooklyn is kind of a Lakers situation where it’s really a poverty franchise that is just like in a marquee American city, so they stumbled their way into success.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: You know?

John: Yeah.

Niki: But it’s run by complete and total idiots.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: So like, I can see it being a situation where like, the Sixers send like Matisse Thybulle and three first round picks in 2087, and then Brooklyn’s like, “Yeah, that’s great. Thanks so much.”

John: Uh huh. Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Niki: But like who are you sending? Like…

John: I have no idea. I don’t know. I had the same question. I was like, who is Phoenix sending back? Like…

Niki: Deandre Ayton. That’s a sign–

John: That’s a sign and trade, it would have to be.

Niki: Okay, so, Phoenix is easy. Like, for me, easier to understand, because you sign and trade Deandre Ayton. You give them three–

John: Wait, is Deandre Ayton restricted or unrestricted?

Niki: Mm…he’s restricted.

John: Oh, okay. Okay, all right.

Niki: Yeah.

John: I was about to say, I was like, oh, all right. Okay. Then that makes sense. I thought he was unrestricted for some reason.

Niki: Mm-mm.

John: Okay.

Niki: No, he’s restricted, ’cause they didn’t give him that extension last year.

John: Oh, right, right, right.

Niki: Remember?

John: Yes.

Niki: So, you give– and then you give the Suns picks, but I don’t– those picks aren’t gonna turn into anything useful, ’cause the Suns–

John: Right.

Niki: If you give them Kevin Durant, [John: “Uh huh”] they’re gonna be good for the next like five years.

John: Right.

Niki: And the picks have to be within the next seven years.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: So like, I don’t know…I don’t know what you’re– I don’t fucking know, dude.

John: No, I, like–

Niki: Brooklyn’s about to get fucking strung over the coals. [John laughs] It’s gonna be so funny.

John: It’s gonna be so funny. It’s gonna be so funny. They’re gonna have nobody on that team except for Kyrie Irving and Ben Simmons, [Niki: “Blake Griffin”] which is so funny to me.

Niki: You could just play basketball with three guys, right?

John: Yeah. I mean, I would–

Niki: Blake Griffin, Kyrie Irving, and Ben Simmons.

John: No, like, you don’t understand. I would pay more to go see a basketball game where [Niki: “Yes”] it’s like a normal team versus the three Brooklyn Nets.

Niki: Yeah. That would be incredible. I love that last week when Kyrie first put the word out that he wanted to leave, [John: “Yeah”] Jon Bois over at Secret Base was like, “I just miss when the Nets were so bad that you could show up to a game at halftime and pay $8 to see a game.”

John: Uh huh. Yep.

Niki: And I think the Nets read that tweet and were like, we’re doing this for John. [laughs]

John: We’re going back. We’re doing it again. It’s gonna be good. I watched the Secret Base video about the Nets’ collapse from like the mid 2000s.

Niki: Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

John: That’s delicious, and it’s happening again.

Niki: Delicious. It’s tasty. It’s happening again.

John: Yeah. Yeah, it’s very good. All right. Time’s up. We have to talk about something else for a few minutes.

Niki: Um, do you think that if you got trapped in a mall…

John: Uh huh?

Niki: That you would be able…hmm…that you would be able to like get out?

John: What does that mean?

Niki: So like, you’ve woken up.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: And you’re in a mall.

John: Okay.

Niki: All the lights and stuff are off.

John: Okay.

Niki: And then a TV comes on, and it’s, uh–

John: [Jigsaw voice] Do you want to play a game?

Niki: –Sonic the Hedgehog.

John: Oh, sure.

Niki: No, it’s Sonic the Hedgehog, and he says, [Sonic voice] “Do you want to play a game?” [both laugh]

John: What else does Sonic say?

Niki: Uh, Sonic says, “My game looks really good! Sonic Frontiers, coming out this fall!”

John: [laughs] Yeah, that’s a pretty good Sonic.

Niki: Thanks.

John: That’s a pretty like lively, good Sonic. I like it.

Niki: [laughs] And then he’s like, you gotta get out of here in eight hours. All of the doors are locked. What do you do?

John: All the doors are locked. So like, are all the stores kind of gated and closed?

Niki: Mm-hmm.

John: I would get a fire extinguisher and break one of the windows? You know?

Niki: Okay.

John: I think that would work.

Niki: You could have just said that– you could have just said that I’m at the Westfield Century City, so I just leave.

John: Oh, because it’s outside?

Niki: It’s outside. [both laugh]

John: Well, yeah, okay. That was gonna be my next question is like, is it an outdoor mall?

Niki: No, you’re at the Grove.

John: I’m at the– I’m at the Grove? [Niki laughs] Why would I wanna leave?

Niki: You just walk out.

John: Why would I want to leave?

Niki: You’re right.

John: I would just want to hang out by the speaker that’s playing Michael Bublé.

Niki: Michael Bublé.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Do you think anyone has poured bubbly into one of those speakers?

John: [laughs] Maybe.

Niki: Michael advertises on our show now.

John: I’ve heard.

Niki: Have you listened to some of our shows?

John: Yeah. I’ve heard about the bubbly.

Niki: I was listening– yeah, I was listening to a 99 Potions, and Michael Bublé was like, “Drink my water,” and I said, “No.” It costs like $5 for six of them.

John: It costs too much money.

Niki: Also, I have the…they sell juice for the SodaStream.

John: No. They do?

Niki: Yeah, it’s like the– it’s like flavor liquid.

John: Mm.

Niki: So I just do– I just use that.

John: Yeah.

Niki: And it’s way cheaper. You know how much water costs? Well, like a lot probably, but for me it’s free.

John: [laughs] Yeah. Right now it’s free.

Niki: ‘Cause I don’t pay water. So, I just drink the…I just drink the– sometimes I’ll just mix it up. I won’t even carbonate the water, you know?

John: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Niki: What was the last thing you carbonated, John?

John: Myself?

Niki: Oh, that’s a really good answer. [both laugh]

John: I just, I put my lips up against the carbonation nozzle, and I was like, here we go! [Niki laughs] Aaaaah!

Niki: And then you flew away like a balloon.

John: I did. I mean, it was probably just a bottle of water.

Niki: Yeah.

John: I was really–

Niki: Just like plain-ass water.

John: Yeah. I mean, when I…when I had a SodaStream for a calendar month or whatever, yeah, I didn’t really get into the flavors, ’cause I thought those tasted pretty bad. That’s all. I don’t know.

Niki: Yeah. I think that’s correct.

John: Did you– you’ve seen the video of the person that tried to do it with red wine, right?

Niki: Of the red wine, yes.

John: So funny. You and I talk about that video, John, every three months.

John: Yeah. [laughs]

Niki: And this is the three months.

John: This is the three month mark.

Niki: So it’s reset, and we’ll come back in October [John laughs] when John and I will talk about that video again.

John: October 1, baby!

Niki: But I haven’t put any liquids that I shouldn’t have in my SodaStream since I got this SodaStream.

John: Mm.

Niki: Because I fucked up my old SodaStream at my LA apartment very badly [John: “Ooh”] by putting alcohol in the SodaStream, [John: “Oh, a huge mistake”] and it was very unhappy.

John: Yeah.

Niki: But you know what, though?

John: What?

Niki: Sparkling gin, like, it hits. Like, it’s good.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Bubbles like make most things better.

John: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Niki: Except like blood vessels probably.

John: Milk?

Niki: No.

John: That would be terrible, huh?

Niki: Well, hold on.

John: No, don’t do it. [laughs] Don’t– you can’t get up and SodaStream in the middle of a goddamn podcast. You can’t–

Niki: [distantly] No, no, no, it’s fine.

John: [laughs] It’s not fine! It’s not fine. You’re gonna ruin your SodaStream, and it’s gonna be the–

Niki: No, no, no, no. No, no, no!

John: It’s gonna be so disgusting.

Niki: Where’s the bottle? Oh, I found it.

John: Wait, they make carbonated milk?

Niki: [shouting distantly] What?

John: Lotte Milkis, refreshing milk and yogurt flavor– well, that says flavor though. Is it Milkis? Oh, wait. What?

Niki: Okay, so I put the milk in the…

John: Okay. That’s Milkis. All right, so Niki is putting the milk in the SodaStream.

Niki: [clanking] And I’ve gotta put it on this guy, twist that. Oop, well. Hard to do it with one hand.

John: Hard to do it with one hand, huh?

Niki: Okay, I’ve done it. [SodaStream noises]

John: Okay. All right, here we go. It’s time for carbonated milk. [more noises] That sounds bad. It sounds bad.

Niki: [laughs] Hey, John, it’s not great.

John: It’s not great.

Niki: Over here.

John: Did you say you– so you tasted it, huh?

Niki: Well, no, I have…there’s, uh…uh, there’s just kind of a lot of milk all over the place.

John: Oh, so it kind of– you kind of destroyed your area.

Niki: [back to mic] Okay, I’m back. Okay, Jordan, I filmed that, so there’s a video component, if you want to get the audio from–

John: Oh, there’s a video component. That’s great.

Niki: But if Jordan wants to get the audio from the microphone that I took with me over there, so the audio doesn’t sound like ass. Okay, so, let me send– I’ll just send y’all a picture really fast.

John: Right.

Niki: For the folks at home, imagine if you put milk in a SodaStream bottle. That’s what it looks like.

John: Oh.

Niki: So let me go to Discord really fast. This is gonna make me die.

John: Mm.

Niki: I’m just gonna put it in Ranold McDanold House so a lot of people can see it.

John: Okay.

Niki: And camera, and photo, use photo. Send.

John: [clears throat] Milkis launched– actually, I’m gonna look at this photo first. Oh, that’s disgusting. Oh my god.

Niki: Okay, but here’s my thing, though. How is this different from a milk frother?

John: Uh– [laughs] you’re not shooting carbon dioxide into something with a milk frother.

Niki: What does a milk frother do?

John: It’s just shooting hot air into something to heat it up and steam. It’s like air and steam.

Niki: What’s the difference between– what’s the difference between hot air and bubble air?

John: There’s no carbon– [laughs]

Niki: All right, I’m drinking it.

John: Don’t drink it, no! You can’t drink milk on a podcast, it’s the worst! That is the worst. All right, “Milkis launched in 1989 with a huge marketing campaign, notably the appearance of Hong Kong actor Chow Yun-fat in its television advertisements. Chow was enjoying huge popularity from the success of the film A Better Tomorrow and his saying the catchphrase, ‘Saranghaeyo, Milkis!’ literally ‘I love you, Milkis!’ in his strong accent became a huge hit. Sales soared, and the catchphrase remains as one of the most popular.” Wow.

Niki: I love you, Milkis!

John: I love you, Milkis.

Niki: Hey, it tastes like when you make whipped cream by hand, but you– it’s like not done yet.

John: Ugh.

Niki: You know? So it’s in that weird in-between phase of like–

John: Sure, yeah. Yeah.

Niki: It is solidifying, but it’s not there yet.

John: Right.

Niki: That’s what it feels and tastes like.

John: Right.

Niki: So it doesn’t taste bad.

John: Yep.

Niki: Would I do this ever again? No.

John: Right. That’s fair.

Niki: There’s more bubbles than there is liquid in the bottle.

John: Yeah, I noticed that. I noticed that that’s what it looks like. Folks, it is a SodaStream bottle that it’s filled with mostly milk bubbles and then a little bit of milk at the bottom, and it’s disgusting.

Niki: But I drank it, and it’s okay.

John: And it’s okay? All right. Fair enough.

Niki: What do you think Miami has to send to Brooklyn?

John: I don’t know. Like, do you think they would like…do you think they would move on from Bam Adebayo? in order to get that– we only have one minute for this basketball conversation. That’s fine. Like–

Niki: No.

John: You would– you don’t think they would get rid of Bam Adebayo for four years on a Kevin Durant contract with Jimmy Butler. Think about that.

Niki: I would give Jimmy Butler up.

John: No way! No way.

Niki: Yeah.

John: No way!

[beeping in distance]

Niki: Oh, my refridg– hold on. My refrigerator is open.

John: Oh, your refrigerator does that too? I hate it when mine does that. [laughs softly] Yeah, James Butler. No, Jimmy Butler is a better asset, I feel like, to keep.

Niki: No, but Bam’s young, though.

John: Yeah, Bam young.

Niki: Oh, wait, you can’t trade Bam Adebayo. He’s not eligible to be included in a trade with the Nets [John: “Why?”] unless Ben Simmons is also part of the deal. That’s because of the designated rookie extension.

John: Oh, wow. Time’s up.

Niki: Well. Yeah, we’re gonna have to find out later, huh?

John: Yep.

Niki: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever consumed, liquid-wise?

John: Uh, probably a durian milkshake.

Niki: Oh, no.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: Why did you do that? Where did you do that?

John: Uh, my good friend Patience ordered a durian milkshake at a Vietnamese restaurant in Austin, Texas.

Niki: Does Patience…Patience. Are you both friends with each other or is it like a one way situation? ‘Cause like, I…

John: We are– [Niki laughs] Patience is one of my best friends in the world, and I am one of her best friends in the world.

Niki: Okay.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Okay. Okay.

John: And so she ordered one–

Niki: So it wasn’t like a poison thing.

John: No, she’s just a person that would be like, “What is the weirdest thing on the menu? I want to try it.” She’s like that.

Niki: Mm, mm. And? And?

John: It was– well, Patience is also the kind of person, and I do kind of love this about her, and she’s like, no matter– like, something could be the worst thing, objectively you know it, in your gut, it is the worst thing. But if they kind of ordered it and aren’t excited about it, they’ll be like, [music cuts out] “Um, it’s, you know, it’s pretty good. You know? No, it’s pretty good!”

Niki: Oh, I see.

John: You know, kind of like a–

[music resumes]

Niki: So then you took that to be true.

John: Right, and I’m like, I’m gonna–

Niki: And you had some.

John: I’m gonna taste it. And it’s like, you know, durian is one of those kind of cultural things where it’s like, it’s just, you know, it’s like, I try not to– definitely not be judgy about it, but it’s like, it just tasted like a Salisbury steak but in a fruit form, which is not good for me. I didn’t like it.

Niki: That sucks.

John: Yeah, it wasn’t good.

Niki: The set of words that you said was bad to hear with my ears.

John: Yeah, well, it was bad to put in my mouth and then swallow.

Niki: Yeah, that’s tough.

John: Yeah. What’s the worst liquid you’ve ever consumed?

Niki: A couple of minutes ago, I put milk in a SodaStream. [both laugh]

John: You said it wasn’t that bad!

Niki: You know what? That one wasn’t great.

John: It wasn’t great.

Niki: It wasn’t great. Okay.

John: I can’t believe you said that.

Niki: I think that the consistency and texture was like the worst part.

John: Kind of the problem? Okay.

Niki: The taste was fine.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: But I think like… [sighs]

John: Yeah?

Niki: You know what? Here’s my favorite part about milk, right? It goes down smooth.

John: Yeah, sure.

Niki: A lot like the song “Smooth” by Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas goes down smooth into your ear hole, right?

John: It’s true, yes.

Niki: But this milk was not smooth.

John: Right.

Niki: ‘Cause there were bubbles in it.

John: There were bubbles. That’s not good. I don’t want milk that makes me burp more. That’s not good. [Niki laughs] Like, that’s not a selling point.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Like if I grabbed a carton milk and it was like, “Guaranteed to make you burp more,” I’d be like, [Niki laughs] I don’t wanna burp milk. Thanks.

Niki: I’m looking at the bottle and it says– the bubbles are popping, [John: “Uh huh”] and currently the bubbles in the bottle are at the line of text at the bottom of the bottle that says, “NEVER carbonate any other liquid than water. [John laughs] ONLY carbonate water.” Now, Jordan has sent an image of Pepsi White.

John: Pepsi White, yep. Yeah. Pepsi White’s a yogurt flavored Pepsi.

Niki: I’m okay.

John: You’re okay, huh?

Niki: I’ve been listening to another podcast advertisementment lately, [John: “Uh huh, yeah”] recently, where the lady– well, maybe it was a radio ad, but the lady in the voiceover– oh, no, it was a radio ad. You know why? Because I think PepsiCo, Dr. Pepper, and Coca-Cola are in some sort of like ESA arrangement [John: “Uh huh”] where they like agree to govern themselves ’cause the government won’t do it, you know what I’m talking about?

John: Right. Yeah.

Niki: And I think they were like, “Soda’s good for you now,” or some shit, but the voiceover person said…okay, how would you say the word for the Pepsi company?

John: PepsiCo.

Niki: Okay. Here’s what she said.

John: [laughs] Okay. [Niki laughs] Like, no, hold on. I just want to take a second, another moment before whatever this is. [Niki laughs] I can’t immediately identify a different way to say this. So that’s like– that’s maybe the funniest part of this. Okay.

Niki: Yeah. PepsiCo. [pronounced: pep-sih-co]

John: Okay. Pep– Pep– okay. Pepsico.

Niki: PepsiCo.

John: Pepsico.

Niki: Like Texaco.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Like the oil company. Pepsico.

John: Yeah, I…agh. Yeah. Why would you– why would you…?

Niki: [laughs] I don’t know.

John: There’s no difference. You just say PepsiCo, like, that’s…that’s unfathomable to me.

Niki: Well.

John: Anyway. Do you know–

Niki: Well, here’s the thing, though.

John: Right.

Niki: You know where they also serve Pepsi?

John: Where?

Niki: The Pepsi Center in Denver, where the Nuggets play.

John: Wooow. You think the Nuggets are gonna be any good this year?

Niki: Well, no, I don’t.

John: Okay.

Niki: I don’t. Well, they’re gonna– I think the Nuggets are gonna be where the– oh, you know what?

John: What?

Niki: Here’s my take.

John: Ooh, okay. I love takes.

Niki: Here’s my take.

John: Sure.

Niki: The Denver Nuggets [John: “Mm-hmm”] are going to be the Portland Timberwolves, the Portland Timberwolves.

John: Huh?

Niki: The Portland Trail Blazers.

John: Okay.

Niki: Of the 2020s.

John: Oh!

Niki: So, by which I mean, the Trail Blazers were stuck.

John: Uh huh. Completely stuck.

Niki: They had a really good team.

John: Yeah.

Niki: But they couldn’t get over the fact that they were going up against a dynasty in the form of the Warriors, right?

John: Right. Right.

Niki: I think– and then as the decade turned over, the Trail Blazers have fallen the fuck apart.

John: Yep.

Niki: I think the Denver Nuggets are in the same boat.

John: Okay.

Niki: They have a really good team. If Phoenix and the Golden State Warriors didn’t exist, I think they would be world beaters, right?

John: Right.

Niki: But they’re gonna have to play Phoenix or Golden State in the second round, and they’re gonna lose that series for next eight years.

John: Every time. Yep.

Niki: Yeah.

John: They’ll lose it every time.

Niki: So, I think that’s– I think they’re destined to do that.

John: What do you think about the LA Clippers getting John Wall? Because my take is that they’re gonna be one of the best defensive teams in basketball [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] that’s also gonna get eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. [laughs]

Niki: Yeah, they’re gonna– their games are gonna look like– their score lines are gonna look like games from 2004.

John: Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna say.

Niki: They’re gonna win games.

John: They’re gonna look like 2004 Pistons. Yeah.

Niki: [laughs] Yeah. They’re gonna win games 84 to 76.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: And it’s gonna be miserable to watch.

John: It’s gonna be so fucking miserable.

Niki: [laughs] Yeah, I think the Clippers…well, they’ll have Kawhi back.

John: Yeah, they’ll have Kawhi black– uh, back. They’ll have Kawhi–

Niki: Kawhi Black. [John laughs] Hi, I’m Kawhi Black. I got married to Rebecca Black, and I took her name. [both laugh]

John: Can you imagine?

Niki: I think they’re gonna be really good.

John: Can you imagine Kawhi Leonard going, [singing] “It’s Friday,” [Niki laughs] and then like doing his little weird, like, “Aaaah.”

Niki: [deadpan] Ahaha ha hahaha. [both laugh]

John: Ah, Christ.

Niki: Just fucking deadpan. The Clippers are gonna be good.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Are you happy to see your man Jalen Brunson get sent to New York for [John: “No”] a trillion dollars or whatever?

John: I’m not happy. I don’t think he was worth 110 million. I mean, like…

Niki: No.

John: Like that, you know, so when I see the Knicks pay that much for him, I was like, okay, well, I mean, whatever. I’m glad we didn’t try to do something to match that.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Also like, the very obvious thing—that I don’t think like anybody except for like Mavs bloggers was saying the entire year—was just like, [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] the body language on this guy is like, I should be running this offense.

Niki: Yes. And the only reason–

John: And he’s wrong.

Niki: He is, he’s wrong.

John: He’s wrong.

Niki: The only reason he popped off is because Luka got hurt.

John: Yeah, Luka got hurt.

Niki: So he had…he had to run the offense?

John: Yep. Yeah.

Niki: You know?

John: Yeah. Yeah. And you know what, he’s really good at it, but he’s not Luca Dončić.

Niki: Yeah. No.

John: So, yeah.

Niki: But you know, mediocrity beds mediocrity, so he’s a perfect fit for the Nets, or for the Knicks.

John: He’s going to be the best player on that Knicks team, and that’s– and you know what?

Niki: John, we’re on that Knicks team.

John: It won’t mean a goddamn thing. [Niki laughs] Like, you know.

Niki: Yeah.

John: So, I’m happy for him to get paid, ’cause he seems like a good dude, and I’m glad that he is getting to run an offense somewhere, ’cause he was never gonna be able to do that.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

John: Unless he just came off the bench always, which like, is intriguing to me, but that’s clearly not what he wants for his career.

Niki: I don’t know why more guys don’t do that.

John: I kind of don’t either. Like, I kind of feel like Derrick Rose settled into that role [Niki: “Yes”] until he got to the Knicks, and then it was like, “No, he’s our guy,” but it’s like–

Niki: Yeah.

John: Why don’t you just have like a fucking…it’s like a backup quarterback in basketball.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Like, in football, it’s like, if you have a really great backup, then you can play different. You can play more loose.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

John: You can play, you know, a, a kind of a different way. And if you have like a really amazing backup point guard, that second unit just gets better. So, I don’t know.

Niki: Yeah. That’s like, that’s the reason why the Lakers won in the bubble.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Is because they looked completely different when they– when LeBron would come out and Rondo would go in, because Rondo was a very good point guard who played incredibly differently from LeBron James.

John: Yes. Yeah.

Niki: So, like…

John: And it gave that second unit a totally different look.

Niki: Yeah.

John: And I think it’s harder to kind of adjust, you know, mid-game like that.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

John: But you know what’s not hard to adjust is our ability to [Niki: “Money”] throw to a commercial break for a moment. And you’ll hear a word from, I don’t know, a sponsor? us shilling a podcast? Who’s to say? You’ll find out in just a second.


John: Ba-da-da-da-da! Hey, everybody. Do you like the sound of the summer? Because there is nothing quite like pouring a delicious glass of “Smooth” by Santana with Rob Thomas into a tall glass and shoving that right under your SodaStream. [Niki laughs] Now, Niki, what does “Smooth” after it’s carbonated taste like?

Niki: Well, John, it’s not smooth anymore, is it? [both laugh]

John: Because it’s–

Niki: I know I’m supposed to– I know I’m supposed to– oh. Yeah, no, hit me.

John: Because it’s so effervescent! It doesn’t really have the right…doesn’t really have the right thing.

Niki: No, it doesn’t.

John: No.

Niki: It’s not.

John: Mm-mm.

Niki: Because the thing about bubbles, they’re inherently rough, aren’t they?

John: Yeah, they’re inherently rough.

Niki: The bubbles themselves are smooth.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Niki: Which is wild, right?

John: Yeah.

Niki: How does a bunch of smooth things turn rough?

John: Yeah.

Niki: But how does that work? No one’s quite sure.

John: No one is quite sure.

Niki: But you know what? Santana and Rob Thomas didn’t even have to worry about that.

John: Right.

Niki: Because they just came smooth, you know?

John: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Niki: They walked in the studio, walked out 30 minutes later, they had “Smooth.” It was easy.

John: Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep. It’s so easy.

Niki: Our friends over at Smooth Jazz Tampa Bay sent–

John: Would they play “Smooth”? Did they–

Niki: I mean, if there’s a jazz cover of it, probably.

John: I bet there’s a fucking kick ass jazz cover.

Niki: They played Despacito for us yesterday.

John: Wow.

Niki: After we asked. It took them like 15 minutes. Did you not see this?

John: No, I didn’t. I wasn’t able to watch.

Niki: Charles sent an email to the guy again and was like, “Hey, we asked– we emailed you last week about playing Despacito, [John: “Ah”] but I got out of my truck before you could play it, but I’m back in my truck now, can you play it?” And then the guy was like, “Okay.” And then 15 minutes later, it played. [both laugh]

John: That’s incredible. I love that.

Niki: It was great.

John: Thank you, Smooth Tampa Bay Jazz. Well, I totally forgot, you know, what we were supposed to do here, but it was really to just celebrate “Smooth” [Niki: “Yeah”] by Santana featuring Rob Thomas, and…

Niki: Mm-hmm.

John: And we’ve done that, and it’s one of the–

Niki: When did you forget?

John: [laughs] When do you think I forgot?

Niki: [laughs] I think you forgot as soon as you opened your mouth.

John: No, that’s not true. I said some stuff at the beginning, and I was like, “This is gonna be fun. We’ll talk about it.” And then I said the SodaStream thing, and then I was just like, and it’s gone.

Niki: Oh, yeah. Like, how do I get back?

John: It’s gone. It’s gone.

Niki: Yeah.

John: And then, and so there it is, but you know, we love that song. It’s one of the best songs ever written, and if Santana or Rob Thomas ever want to come on this show, you have an open invitation. Please come by Friends Reunion. We will– we would love to have you.

[segment ends]

Niki: This is gross.

John: [laughs] You don’t– you know what? I’m gonna make an–

Niki: I had some more.

John: I’m gonna make an executive call. You don’t need to–

Niki: Yeah, I’m putting it down. It’s on the floor now.

John: You should put down the bubble milk.

Niki: Put down the bubble milk.

John: Put down the bubble milk.

Niki: What if that’s what boba was?

John: Oh my God! [Niki laughs] That would be incredible, if like…what if like instead of that movie Yesterday where no one knew who the Beatles was, [Niki laughs] you woke up and it was like, “Bubble milk? Yeah, fuck yeah! I wanna go drink Boba. Fuck yeah!” And you get there, and it’s like just carbonated. It’s just one person with a SodaStream shoving glasses of milk under it, and you’re like, “Wait, what the fuck is happening?”

Niki: [laughs] What happened to bubble tea?

John: No way!

Niki: Wait, what would happen if I put tea in there?

John: Like, hot tea? [Niki laughs] Oh my god.

Niki: I was not thinking about hot tea, but now the optics of putting scalding hot tea [John: “Scalding hot!”] in a plastic bottle.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Niki: And then putting it into a high pressure environment.

John: Yeah, yeah.

Niki: John, that seems pretty bad.

John: That seems pretty dangerous, huh?

Niki: Have you seen that video of the people trying to put red wine in the SodaStream? [both laugh]

John: I have! I have seen that. It doesn’t go well.

Niki: It would be like that, except they would all have first degree burns.

John: [laughs] Yeah. Now I just want to put my morning espresso in a SodaStream.

Niki: Yeah, just to see, right?

John: Yeah, just to kind of see.

Niki: I think every SodaStream should come with two.

John: Right.

Niki: One is the one that you use, and the other–

John: One’s the experiment bottle!

Niki: [laughs] Yeah, the other one…but it like doesn’t even have to be full size.

John: Yeah.

Niki: It could be smaller.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Niki: And like, you can only maybe put like the tinier bottle in.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: And then that’s– you can, that’s your fuck around one.

John: Yeah, that’s your fuck around.

Niki: And like, when you need to get another SodaStream, like it’s only $35, ’cause it’s so small.

John: God.

Niki: You’re not gonna carbonate anything other than piss or whatever liquid you wanna put in there.

John: God. Oh my God. Fuck. Jonathan Blow is like calling so many people right now.

Niki: [laughs] SodaStream. I need a SodaStream.

John: I need it. I need it!

Niki: SodaStream.

John: Anyway.

Niki: Do they have electric ones of these bad boys?

John: Electric ones?

Niki: Have you seen the commercials for the SodaStream now?

John: No, I haven’t.

Niki: There’s this Black lady and her kids.

John: Uh huh.

Niki: And the lady is like so unbelievably hype that she has sparkling water in her house [John laughs] that she’s dancing like it’s like her wedding. And then instead of her kids doing the thing that those kids would do, [John: “Yeah”] which is like leave the room from the like uncontrollable like body horror of experiencing watching your mother become hyphy over sparkling water, they encourage her?

John: Right.

Niki: Which is like so unrealistic.

John: Right.

Niki: And then they all drink the sparkling water, [John: “Right”] and they’re all happy at the end of it.

John: Right. They’re all happy. It’s true. It’s true.

Niki: But their SodaStream has a handle like you’re at a soda fountain.

John: Yeah. Huh.

Niki: And also calls you slurs like you’re at a soda fountain.

John: Holy smokes! [both laugh] That seems like a weird feature.

Niki: Yeah, it comes out. You get in there and you pull the thing, and it says [bleep]. Jordan, just bleep it out so it could be a different slur, you know? [John laughs] But, uh…

John: It’s incredible.

Niki: You can’t just say manual fizzing.

John: Yeah. No, you can’t.

Niki: The SodaStream is called SodaStream art, “the art of making fresh sparkling water.”

John: You can’t call it art.

Niki: It’s not art.

John: You can’t call that art. It’s not art.

Niki: It’s not art.

John: It’s not art.

Niki: It’s not art. It’s like–

John: It’s science.

Niki: Yeah.

John: It’s like very simple science. Like, why aren’t people…

Niki: Why didn’t they just call it SodaStream science?

John: Yeah. Why aren’t people like, you know, just like proud of science, you know? I don’t get it.

Niki: I don’t get it. Just respect– are video games SodaStream? That’s a really good question, Jordan. [laughs]

John: That’s a really good question. Oh my God. Stopped me dead in my tracks.

Niki: Ugh, fuck. What do you think Roger Ebert would say? About the 2023, 22-23 Detroit Pistons [John: “I think–”] who are waiving Kemba Walker?

John: Waiving Kemba Walker. It’s an interesting call. I mean, I think…I think it’s like, what does Kemba Walker do for your team when you’ve got Cade Cunningham? I mean, unless Kemba is running that second unit, which we just talked about, it feels like no one’s willing to do that. I think that’d be a good fit for him at this point in his career, but whatever. I don’t know. Those pistons are gonna be interesting. They’ve got some really good young talent, but I still think they’re gonna be pretty bad this year. [laughs]

Niki: I think they’re like two years away from being the Cavs.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Right now.

John: Yeah, those Cavs. The Cavs was a big…

Niki: They could be bad for another year and a half.

John: Cavs were a big kind of turnaround. And, you know, you kind look at that roster and you’re like, “Well, of course they’re pretty good,” but it’s like, [Niki: “Yeah”] those players were so young and not that great, like a couple of years ago. Like, Evan Mobley is really good.

Niki: Yeah.

John: So, yeah. I think they’re…

Niki: They got to the play in without their point guard [John: “Yeah”] and without one of their tall men.

John: Yeah.

Niki: ‘Cause they– it’s a point guard and then four tall guys. [laughs]

John: Yeah. The point guard…

Niki: It’s otherwise positionless. [laughs]

John: Uh huh, yeah. Well, it’s like, it’s pretty interesting that, you know, if Kevin Love is your seventh best player or something, like that’s some depth on that team. Like that’s, you know, that’s pretty good.

Niki: Yeah.

John: So.

Niki: That’s good.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Yeah, I think that the Pistons will be fun to watch.

John: Yeah. They’ll kind of be like the Hornets were last year, maybe.

Niki: Yeah. Yeah, I was trying– I was gonna ask, like, it’s hard to say now before free agency actually opens.

John: Yeah, that’s true.

Niki: But I was gonna say, who do you think is gonna be a year league pass team?

John: Ooh.

Niki: ‘Cause this year it was the Bulls.

John: Yeah.

Niki: And then they exploded.

John: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Niki: But like, I have my answer.

John: Uhh, who do I think will be that team? Um…gosh, that’s a really good question. Putting me on the spot.

Niki: Yeah.

John: It might weirdly…weirdly, it might be the Pacers?

Niki: Ooh.

John: ‘Cause I think Haliburton’s gonna like kind of pop off, maybe?

Niki: Yeah.

John: But I don’t know. That’s like a shot in the dark. I don’t know.

Niki: Yeah.

John: I don’t know, what’s–

Niki: The correct answer that we were looking for was the Pelicans.

John: Oh, you think Zion’s gonna be back.

Niki: Yeah, did you see him in that Nike commercial?

John: Yeah.

Niki: He’s fucking ripped again.

John: Yeah.

Niki: It’s wild. If you can use your legs–

John: He was. He won’t be again.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Like, you won’t be. Yeah.

Niki: But if you use your legs, like, when you’re a basketball player who like needs to jump and stuff to like move your body.

John: Yeah.

Niki: It turns out that when you have the ability to move your body again, you can become in shape.

John: You can become in shape, it’s true. It’s true.

Niki: That’s wild.

John: It is wild. Remember when he like juked out of his own shoe in college?

Niki: I do remember that, yeah.

John: That was honestly–

Niki: And Obama was there.

John: When you think–

Niki: That was nuts.

John: That was nuts. When you think about it, that’s one of the wildest images in sports that I can remember. It is…I don’t know. It’s just really, really, really funny that…I don’t know.

Niki: That game was bad.

John: That game was bad. I know. [Niki laughs] Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Niki: I was– I forgot about the fact that that happened in a game.

John: Yeah.

Niki: And that game was bad.

John: Yeah.

Niki: It was only cool ’cause there were a million people there.

John: Yeah. There were so many people there, but that game was bad. And then the– but the man, he stomped out of his shoe. It’s incredible. It’s incredible.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Anyway. What do you think the…what do you think the Sacramento Kings are gonna do this year? Nothing?

Niki: Get moved to Seattle.

John: Get moved to Seattle? I hope so. God, that’d be great.

Niki: God, it would fucking rule if they built that building and then someone else bought the team and they still got moved to Seattle. [John laughs] I would love that so much.

John: That would be really good.

Niki: Like, I would hate it, because like, Sacramento citizens paid for that building, but also like, [John: “Yeah”] God, that would be so funny.

John: Yeah. Yep, yep, yep.

Niki: They should just turn it into like a…fuck what should they turn it into? Well, they should just give it to Sac State.

John: Ooh, yeah, just…

Niki: Just give it to the school.

John: Just give it. Yeah, just give it.

Niki: That’s what San Diego State is doing.

John: Mmmm.

Niki: They’re building their building on the remains of [John: “The day?”] Qualcomm Stadium– yeah. [both laugh] Now on the remains of Qualcomm Stadium where the Chargers used to play.

John: Oh.

Niki: And now it’s called Snapdragon Stadium, because I guess Qualcomm is based in San Diego. Did you know that?

John: I did.

Niki: I didn’t know that.

John: I did know that, but I also think…what’s the stadium that they played at in LA for like two years?

Niki: StubHub?

John: StubHub.

Niki: No, it’s not called that anymore.

John: Yeah, but whatever that is.

Niki: Dignity Health Sports Park.

John: That was so funny to me when they would have games there, because it was tiny.

Niki: It was very tiny, and nobody showed up.

John: Nobody showed up.

Niki: They still couldn’t sell out a 20,000 seat building. Much like Microsoft can’t sell out of copies of Halo 2.

John: [laughs] That’s an interesting segoe.

Niki: Because Halo 2 is coming out digitally. Have you heard this?

John: Halo 2 is coming out digitally?

Niki: Yeah. They’re putting out– it’s Halo 2. They’re putting out DLC for Halo 2.

John: Is this a bit, or are they really doing that?

Niki: Putting out DLC for Halo 2?

John: Yeah.

Niki: They are doing this, yes.

John: What? What are you talking about? What DLC are they putting out?

Niki: They’re putting Fall Guys stuff in Master Chief Collection.

John: Oh my God. [Niki laughs] I saw an image of that, and I thought it was the other way around.

Niki: No, no, no, no. Well, it is.

John: Oh, so they’re basically just sharing.

Niki: But also they’re adding Fall Guys stuff to Master Chief Collection.

John: Why to Halo 2 and not Halo Infinite?

Niki: Well, people play one of those games and not the other one.

John: Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I guess that’s fair. [both laugh] You know what? You got me there. It’s so weird.

Niki: Oh, sorry, they’re putting it in Halo 3.

John: Well, that’s weirder. That’s weirder.

Niki: Yeah.

John: I don’t get…I don’t get the Halo Infinite thing. I stopped playing that game, like…it was so weird, Niki. It was like a weird sheer drop off, of like, one day I was playing it and having fun, and then the next day I was like, “I will never turn this game on again.”

Niki: Yeah.

John: It was really strange.

Niki: I was– yeah, Jordan is the reason–

John: Correct.

Niki: The thing Jordan said is the reason why.

John: Yeah.

Niki:Halo Infinite is great, but I stopped playing because the Battle Pass gear was all boring.” Yeah, I had literally no incentive to keep going.

John: Right. No, that’s fair.

Niki: When like the only thing I was going to get was a shoulder thing that I couldn’t put on the guy that I used [John: “Right”] because of the way the armor cores worked.

John: Right.

Niki: I was like, why am I here?

John: Right.

Niki: But they did announce today that co-op is– the beta for co-op is coming in a couple of weeks.

John: Okay.

Niki: So.

John: Well, you know, that’s good. We can play– I can finally play that single player campaign.

Niki: It’s good.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Sometimes I do look back and go like, “Oh, that was my game of the year, huh?

John: [laughs] Yeah. I mean, that happens. It’s like recency bias stuff where it’s like, if you’re having a blast, like, I don’t know. But yeah, I mean, that happens all the time. It happens in reverse too, [Niki: “Yeah”] where it’s like, you start to get more– you know, like I still think Hades is probably the best game in 2020, but I’m probably more fond of Final Fantasy VII Remake, honestly.

Niki: Yeah, I can’t believe that I did that also.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Just wrong two years in a row.

John: Yeah. I mean, I was– you know, it’s like, I gave it to Hades, and I, you know, it’s like, I support that, but I’m also like, uh, really? I probably like Final Fantasy VII Remake more. But, anyway.

Niki: Do you think you’re gonna be right this year?

John: Yeah. Yeah, ’cause I think there’s one pretty clear answer for me. Yeah.

Niki: Yeah, Halo 2.

John: Yeah, Halo 2.

Niki: I agree.

John: You’re right. Halo ghost. 2022’s Halo 2.

Niki: 2022’s Halo 2. Halo 2 2022. [John laughs] Yeah, I don’t– what do you think about…if you could put any juice inside of your Xbox to make it run faster, but you have to drink it at the end of the week. [music stops abruptly, John laughs] And it can’t be water. You know?

[music resumes]

John: Wait, so at– okay. So at the beginning–

Niki: I think the call might have dropped off. Let me ask– I’ll ask again.

John: [laughs] Okay. Uh huh?

Niki: Every Monday, it’s good morning.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Xbox says, “Papa, it’s time for my liquids.”

John: [like a fancy British child] “Papa.”

Niki: And then, and then you go over and you grab a bottle of something out of your refrigerator, and then your Xbox is like, “Papa, are you ready to drink this at the end of the week?” and you say yes.

John: Mm-hmm.

Niki: But it can’t be water. So what is it?

John: It’s probably Hawaiian Punch.

Niki: Why?

John: Because it’s what makes the LA Lakers so intriguing this year to see what they can do–

Niki: They’re moved– they’re gonna– yeah.

John: They’re moving to Hawaii.

Niki: Like, all of their home games in Hawaii. That’s incredible.

John: The Honolulu Lakers. The Honolakers. [Niki laughs] The Honolulake. The Honolulakers are here.

Niki: Honolulakers.

John: I think the Lakers are going to, uh, be shitty again this year. What do you think?

Niki: I agree.

John: Yeah. That’s a bummer, huh, for you?

Niki: Do you know that Russell Westbrook is still on that basketball team?

John: Yeah, I did know that. Is there any way that they maybe get rid of him?

Niki: Mm-mm.

John: You don’t think so? [laughs]

Niki: No. I wish.

John: I would, genuinely though, seriously, no fucking joke.

Niki: Yeah.

John: I would trade him for almost anybody in the league at this point. I really would. I would just like send him–

Niki: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

John: Send him to fucking…

Niki: Send to the G League. I don’t care. [John laughs] Like, I don’t– they should just– they should put him on a two-way and fucking send him to, um…

John: You know what they should– [laughs]

Niki: South Bay.

John: You know what they should do?

Niki: Like, I don’t know.

John: You know what they should do? I know a lot of people– I know I’ve been a proponent of the big three league. I really have been.

Niki: Yeah.

John: But I almost think there should be another option for basketball players that are kind of peaked and are kind of in the Twilight of their career.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Go back to college. Just start, like–

Niki: Yeah, if you still have eligibility– does he still have eligibility?

John: Just go back to college. Can you like imagine Russell Westbrook just going back to UCLA?

Niki: God, that would be sick.

John: And being like, “Here I am!”

Niki: God, that would be sick.

John: That would be so fucking cool. I think every college team should have the ability to just sign a…yeah. It’s like, I…

Niki: God, that would be fucking sick.

John: God, so amazing. That’d be so good.

Niki: But like, I do…the NBA would never, they would never do this, ’cause all of the players are too egotistical, but I do think a mid-season tournament that’s three on three with the worst teams in the league, [John: “Yeah”] like during the All-Star break, would be cool.

John: Yeah. Yep.

Niki: They should also change the format of the NBA All-Star game.

John: I also agree with this.

Niki: Have we talked about this?

John: Um, I don’t know.

Niki: They should change it to the hockey one.

John: Yeah, they should–

Niki: The hockey format’s really good.

John: Explain the hockey one and then why they do the All-Star game.

Niki: Okay, so the hockey format is that each division in each conference selects three players from that division.

John: Right.

Niki: So there’s, uh…let’s just say that there are four divisions in the west, so there’s a total of 12 players from the west, and then there’s four divisions in the east, and then there’s 12 players from the east.

John: Yeah.

Niki: So it’s a total of 24 players.

John: Yeah.

Niki: And then, in the NHL All-Star game, it’s a raaa– it’s a single elimination tournament.

John: It’s a raaatatouille hockey tournament.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Everyone puts a little rat under their helmet. [Niki laughs] Yep.

Niki: And then they, it’s just three on three [John: “Yep, yep, yep”] hockey for like 10 minutes or something.

John: Yep.

Niki: And then if you win the game, you move on in the tournament. If you lose, you don’t. And then I think the prize for winning is a million dollars split up against the three people on the team.

John: Sure. Yep.

Niki: I think it’s very fun, the All-Star game, the NHL All-Star game.

John: Right.

Niki: But they do the All-Star game mostly because they need a break.

John: Yep. Yeah. They just need a break.

Niki: But they also won’t just give the players a break. [laughs]

John: Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Yep.

Niki: So, that’s it.

John: That’s it.

Niki: That’s why.

John: That’s why. That’s why they do it. But yeah, I don’t know. I think they should change it. I mean, it’s like, I don’t know, All-Star games, like the NBA All-Star game is also, like, it’s been better the past few years, because it’s like basically a race to a score, which is, [Niki: “Yeah”] I think, pretty cool. It actually like adds some tension to the proceedings, but like, not enough.

Niki: Yeah.

John: You need a lot of tension.

Niki: I think the only good– the good All-Star games have been the one after Kobe died. So, what season was that? 20-21?

John: Yeah.

Niki: Which was pre-COVID, right?

John: Yep. What? No. [laughs] Wait, what?

Niki: Yeah, it was.

John: You said 2021?

Niki: 2020 to 2021. That season.

John: Oh, oh, oh. Okay. The All-Star game that happened in 2020. Yeah, that was…

Niki: Yes.

John: That was pre-COVID, yes, yes, yes.

Niki: Yes. That game was good.

John: Well, it was pre COVID shutdown, but yeah.

Niki: Yes. But you know what they also shut down? [John sputters] No? You don’t? You’re not even gonna ask what they shut down?

John: What did they shut down? [laughs quietly]

Niki: They shut down whatever spot they were gonna do yesterday on AEW Blood and Guts that had them pull up the mat from the ring for some reason.

John: They did, yeah. Uh huh.

Niki: Who was supposed to go through, do you think?

John: I don’t think anyone was gonna go through. I think they were gonna just destroy it and like slam someone on it. But I also think…I also think maybe because there’s history between Eddie Kingston and Claudio Castagnoli [Niki: “Uh huh”] that goes back like more than a decade.

Niki: Do you think– but is that like kayfabe?

John: Is that real beef?

Niki: Yeah, like…

John: Mm, no, it’s not. I mean–

Niki: Okay.

John: No, no, wait. Is it kayfabe beef? Yeah. It’s basically not real, yeah.

Niki: Okay. Okay, so– it’s beyond beef, says Jordan.

John: It’s beyond beef.

Niki: Because I feel like if–

John: Yeah, I don’t think there’s really an issue there, I don’t think.

Niki: Okay.

John: Yeah.

Niki: ‘Cause I just feel like Eddie Kingston is the type of person to actually not like people.

John: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he probably is. He may not like Claudio, but I don’t know if like…

Niki: Yeah.

John: I don’t know. I did think there was something that was gonna happen there, but I can’t tell if Eddie Kingson actually hurt his back or what, but…

Niki: I think he did.

John: I think he did too.

Niki: ‘Cause he did– he did mouth. There were a lot of weird shots yesterday.

John: There were a lot of weird shots.

Niki: Because it’s really hard to shoot two rings in one cage [John: “Uh huh, yeah”] when you also only have– you can only fit two camera guys in there.

John: Yep.

Niki: But then the outside shots were really weird. No one in the costume department likes Tay Conti, I don’t think, [John laughs] for some reason.

John: Yeah.

Niki: Like, as soon as she came out, I was like, that dress is really short.

John: That dress is really short.

Niki: Like really short.

John: She had a lot of issues with that, yeah.

Niki: And I was like–

John: I felt bad for her.

Niki: Yeah, and I was like, they showed Ruby Soho in the beginning, and I was like, okay, so Ruby’s gonna run out at the end–

John: Ruby’s gonna come out, yeah.

Niki: Because like, why else would you…she’s not in Blackpool Combat Club.

John: [singing “Ruby Soho”] Destination unknown.

Niki: Oh my God.

John: Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho.

Niki: Remember when they did that live and I thought I was maybe gonna be done with wrestling forever?

John: Yes. Yeah. I don’t know why. That was great.

Niki: No.

John: When they were there and they did that. You don’t think so?

Niki: No.

John: No?

Niki: No, I didn’t like it.

John: Mm, okay.

Niki: But yeah, I think Eddie did actually hurt his bones and body.

John: Yeah. I hope he’s okay.

Niki: Yeah. He was supposed to bring a blade up also to cut, uh, Chris, Chris.

John: Chris Chris?

Niki: Chris Chris. Chris Chris Jericho. [laughs]

John: Chris Chris.

Niki: Chris.

Both: Chris Chris Jericho.

Niki: [laughs] Um, but he forgot. That’s what they were talking– there were a lot of conversations on top of the cage.

John: There were a lot of conversations. [Niki laughs] Like, Claudio once leaned over and was like, “Yeah, we gotta do our thing!” And Eddie Kingston was like, “I hurt my fucking back, bro.”

Niki: Yeah. [laughs]

John: “I hurt my fucking back.” It was very good. Is Chris Jericho related to Clive Barker? Not that I know of.

Niki: They could be though.

John: But they could be. It’s possible.

Niki: Like on the long chain of existence, like, yes.

John: Yeah. Right. It’s true. But yeah, no, Blood and Guts was cool. AEW is good, huh? I’m very happy that you watch wrestling now. It’s very exciting.

Niki: Me too.

John: Yeah.

Niki: It’s great.

John: I think it’s, uh…it’s renewed my love for it, because when it was only WWE on the market really, it was tough, in my opinion, to like it.

Niki: Yeah.

John: And you also got to see Kazuchika Okada for the first time wrestle.

Niki: I did. That was incredible. That was so fun.

John: He’s kind of great. He’s really good. That was a weird match.

Niki: Yes.

John: Ended weird, but it was great to see Kazuchika Okada.

Niki: Yeah. It was good.

John: Yeah.

Niki: I’m just happy that my brain is at the point now where I can tell when someone’s fucked up.

John: Hmm, yeah.

Niki: ‘Cause there was a while where I was like, “Was that– did they–”

John: “Was that for real?” Right.

Niki: “Was that right?”

John: Uh huh, yeah.

Niki: Like, “Was that supposed to happen?” But then–

John: Yeah. When you start to see that stuff, it becomes really obvious. Yeah.

Niki: Yeah. Yeah, sometimes like you watch a guy get a concussion [John: “Uh huh”] and you’re like, “Hey, that guy…” [laughs]

John: That guy got a concussion.

Niki: Hey, Hey.

John: Uh oh. Yeah.

Niki: Hey, that guy got a concussion.

John: Well, but good for them for ending it, right? Like, I think that match was supposed to [Niki: “Yes”] go on for another, you know, few minutes or whatever. And they just, you know, they ended it. I’m like, okay, well, good.

Niki: Yeah.

John: Like, that’s a good thing. But yeah, you know what? This has been a good episode of this show. I, uh…

Niki: What show is it though?

John: It’s Friends Corner Three Reunion.

Niki: Mm.

John: Hmm. It’s a little bit of a mouthful. We’ll work on it.

Niki: That is a mouthful. We’ll work on it, yeah.

John: We’ll work on it. If you want to check out LB Hunktears, who is on the International Space Station, once again, buffering out all the jaggies on the outside of it. Thank you so much for your service. You can find them at @hunktears. You can find Niki at @godsewa. You can find me at @floppyadult. You can find Jordan at underscore– nope. Jesus Christ.

Niki: Nope. No, underscore Jordan underscore underscore Mallory underscore.

John: Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Nope. You can find Jordan at @jordan_mallory on Twitter. Thank you, Jordan. And of course you can find us at @fanbytemedia on Twitter. You can find all of our podcasts at And yeah, send us all Cohost invites. Well, I’ve got mine, I guess.

Niki: I have one. I can’t send– Jordan, I would if I could.

John: Jordo, if I could send you one, I would, but I can’t.

Niki: Yeah, I can’t. But when I can…I will.

John: Okay. [laughs] Thank you for your service. Do you want to take us out of this episode?

Niki: Uh, how to get the Fall Guys Bing.


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