Have You Ever Watched an Angemon Take a Dump?

Learn how in our transcript of Channel F Ep. 171: Digi-Pet Sematary!

On this week’s episode of Channel F (the Fanbyte Video Game Game Show™), Pokemon are pushed to the proverbial periphery as we finally do our due diligence (with respect to Digimon).

(You can also listen on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts!)

Sweet little baby Jordo (Senior Podcast Producer), who has never played a Digimon and only briefly viewed the show with disgust, steps out from behind the 1s and 2s to join devout Digimon devotees Nerium (Senior Managing Editor) and Niki Grayson (Brand Editor+) for what might be the longest single game in Channel F history, Real or Fakemon.

That’s right: Host merritt k (Managing Editor) has reclaimed the term “fakemon” from the Pokemon fandom and repurposed it for her own nefarious ends — forcing her friends and colleagues to determine which Digimon are real and which are the product of her twisted, Joker-like psyche.

Given that Niki and Nerium are both such big fans of the series, this episode is as much a Digi-discussion salon as it is a game show. Known hater Jordo even chimes in from time to time with his own relevant factoids — for instance, did you know that in Digimon World for the PlayStation, you can watch your Digimon poop? Even the humanoid ones like Angemon, Andromon, and WereGarurumon? It’s true!

(He also tells a heartbreaking story about the time his Tamagotchi died in a car accident, so just, you know, be ready for that.)

The gang also takes a few minutes at the end of the episode to discuss Dragon Ball Z, during which Niki is given the chance of a lifetime: Name Vegeta’s brother and win $100.

Channel F Ep. 171: Digi-Pet Sematary Transcript

Transcribed by E. Powers

merritt: Hello, and welcome to Channel F, the show where we put your favorite Fanbyte staff members against one another in contests of skill and knowledge. I am your host, merritt k, and I am fresh off a Vegas vacation, National Lampoon style. That’s right, I went to the dam, the Golden Gate Dam.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

merritt: What’s it called? The dam?

Niki: No, yeah, it’s the Golden Gate Dam.

Nerium: The Golden Gate Dam, yeah. That’s it.

Jordan: Yeah, that’s it.

merritt: The Golden Gate Dam. I blew it up just like the kid did in that movie.

Niki: Wow!

merritt: I did some light terrorism. I won keno. I think that happened in that movie.

Niki: What’s keno?

merritt: That’s a great question. I don’t know, but maybe we’ll find out on this episode of Channel F. That was Niki Grayson.

Niki: Hi.

merritt: Fanbyte Brand Editor+. Hello.

Niki: Hi.

merritt: Have you been to Vegas before?

Niki: I have, unfortunately. I was not–

merritt: Unfortunately? You didn’t care for it?

Niki: Well, I was just not old enough to do anything when I went.

merritt: Oh, yeah.

Niki: I was like 20, I think, the last time I went? So I couldn’t even get–

merritt: How old do you have to be to gamble?

Jordan: 18.

Niki: Uh, 18, but like–

merritt: But you can’t drink.

Niki: I’m not gonna gamble sober.

merritt: Yeah. Gambling sober seems rough.

Niki: But yeah, half of it is like, you’re playing the penny slots, and then an old woman comes up to you and is like, “Do you want any alcohol?”

merritt: “Do you want a Coca-Cola?”

Niki: Yeah. And then you’re like–

merritt: “Hey, do ya?”

Niki: “Yeah, gimme a gin and tonic,” and then she comes back to you with it, 30 minutes later.

merritt: “Do you want a Mountain Dew, dear?” [laughter] What if while you were gaming at the arcade, like, you know, an older woman came around and was like, [“Mm-hmm”] “Can I get you a G Fuel?” while you’re pumping quarters in a TT arcade game.

Niki: “We’ve got it on draft.” [laughter]

merritt: “We’ve got both flavors of G Fuel. We’ve got–” what are the flavors of G Fuel? I feel like I don’t even know.

Niki: Oh God. Well, all right.

Jordan: I couldn’t tell you. “You can put it in your gamers– in your Game Supps cup.” [laughter]

merritt: I think they made a blood-themed one for, um…what was that shitty anime Dark Souls vampires?

Nerium: It wasn’t shitty.

merritt: Blood Haven?

Nerium: People liked that game.

Jordan: Vampire’s Blood Haven.

merritt: [laughs] Vampire’s Blood Haven. Okay, no, not shitty, but I mean, just like, you come for the king–

Nerium: Code Vein.

merritt: You come for the king, you best not miss, right?

Jordan: Code Vein, yeah.

merritt: And I’m pretty sure it didn’t dethrone Dark Souls as, you know, as Dark Souls. Otherwise we’d be calling that Dark Souls now.

Jordan: It was Dark Souls but somehow more system heavy.

merritt: Hi, I’m Code Vein. That does sound like the name of a Mountain Dew anyway, so probably that’s why they made a G Fuel. Also on this episode, we have Fanbyte Senior Managing Editor Nerium.

Nerium: Hi.

merritt: [imitates air horn noise] Have you been to Vegas before?

Nerium: No. I did get back from a trip.

merritt: Do you have any desire?

Nerium: Mm? Oh, any desire to go to Vegas? Absolutely not. It sounds like–

Niki: Oh, Nere, you would hate Vegas.

Nerium: I would hate Vegas.

merritt: I don’t think you would care for it. It’s very hot.

Nerium: I would melt and die. It’s 91 degrees here. Not a fan of that.

merritt: It’s as hot as the surface of that Pokémon we talked about a few weeks ago, the one that’s hotter than the sun.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: So it’s not great.

Jordan: 13,000 degrees.

merritt: Yeah. Wait, where’d you get back from?

Nerium: I, two weeks ago, got back from Portland. I was in Portland for little while.

merritt: Oh, right.

Nerium: And I got back at 11:00 P.M. on Saturday, so I had about one day of rest on Sunday. Then TennoCon–

merritt: Just like the Lord, mm-hmm.

Nerium: Yeah, just to observe the Lord, of course, like I always do. And then TennoCon was on Saturday this weekend, so I was working on that all week as well.

merritt: And that’s of course the convention for everyone’s favorite early 2010s action video game [Nerium: “Mm-hmm?”] Dark Spa– what is it called?

Nerium: Code Vein. Um…

merritt: With Adrian Tenno.

Nerium: It’s Warframe.

merritt: No, the one before–

Nerium: Oh, Dark Sector, yeah.

merritt: Dark Sector!

Jordan: The game that invented cover shooting.

Nerium: Kind of. [merritt laughs] The first announced Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 game, Dark Sector was. Always my favorite thing about that.

Jordan: Here’s a fun game we can play right now.

merritt: Yeah.

Jordan: I’ll give everybody on the show five points [“Oh”] if they can name the first announced PlayStation 5 game.

merritt: Uh…

Nerium: The first–

merritt: The flying one. No? That was a launch title. With the–

Niki: The Division?

Jordan: Nope. [incorrect noise] PlayStation 5.

merritt: Oh, PlayStation 5?

Jordan: Yeah.

merritt: Oh, I thought you meant 3 for some reason.

Nerium: Was it the Demon Souls remaster?

Jordan: Nope. [incorrect noise]

merritt: Was it a sports game?

Jordan: Nope. [incorrect noise]

Nerium: Uh, Sackboy’s Big Adventure?

Jordan: Nope. [incorrect noise]

merritt: The one that came with the game or with the console.

Jordan: Nope. [incorrect noise]

Niki: Astro Lad.

Nerium: ???

Niki: Mm.

merritt: Destiny 2.

Jordan: Nope. [incorrect noise]

Nerium: Oh, it was Grand Theft Auto V.

Jordan: Nope. [incorrect noise]

Nerium: No, it was! I’m almost certain it was. Wasn’t it?

Jordan: It was whatever that shit loot game was.

Niki: Oh, Godfall.

merritt: Godfall?

Jordan: Yeah, that thing.

merritt: No way.

Jordan: Yes!

Nerium: I’m almost certain I’m right about GTA, but I’m gonna double check.

Jordan: No, it was during the game awards.

Nerium: Ohh.

Jordan: And they made a big deal, like, “This is the first PlayStation 5 game.”

merritt: Oh, you’re right.

Niki: Yeah.

Jordan: And it was fucking Godfall, and we were like…

Niki: There were so many particle effects in there.

Nerium: Yeah.

Jordan: Yeah. And we were like, what is happening? Why is the first official PlayStation 5 game a third party announcement for a free to play loot game at the fucking game awards?

Nerium: Right.

merritt: Hey, it wasn’t free to play. You did have to pay.

Jordan: Did you?

Nerium: Yeah. No, yeah, that was a full price game.

merritt: Oh, it was a full retail release!

Jordan: Wow.

Niki: Yeah, it was $60.

merritt: Yeah, that was 60 American dollars.

Niki: $70, actually.

merritt: To play that fantasy Warframe-ass…

Nerium: No, I don’t think it was 70 yet.

merritt: “My Lord, thou must acquire the Godfall token.” [laughter]

Nerium: merritt.

merritt: Uh huh?

Nerium: [laughs] What if I told you they announced a fantasy Warframe from the makers of Warframe?

Jordan: I’m gonna play the shit out of that.

merritt: I mean, that will be probably good, though.

Jordan: That will probably be good, yeah.

merritt: And not bad, is the thing.

Nerium: A lot of naked ass in it.

Jordan: Oh yeah.

merritt: Huh.

Jordan: They’re just embracing it.

merritt: There was zero ass in Godfall, as far as I recall, ‘cause everyone was super armored.

Niki: That’s why it’s bad.

merritt: Yeah. That’s why it was bad. And that last voice you hear is Fanbyte podcast producer, Jordan Mallory.

Jordan: Senior Podcast Producer, thank you very much.

merritt: Senior Podcast Producer. Have you been to Vegas before?

Nerium: So old now.

Jordan: I’m extremely old. I’ve aged hundreds of years since joining Fanbyte. And no, I’ve never been to Vegas.

merritt: Well…

Jordan: I think that I would probably– if I had regular access to real gambling, [merritt: “Mm-hmm”] I would be ruined, I think.

merritt: Yeah.

Nerium: Yeah, same. Me too.

merritt: I worried that– that was my concern as well about it, but I didn’t do any gambling.

Niki: That’s ’cause you were at work, you know?

merritt: Kind of? Yeah.

Nerium: It’s never stopped people before! [laughter] At work events, I could tell you.

merritt: Yeah, I was there on a paid trip, because I’m a corrupt journo.

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: They did– that’s the first time I’ve ever been like flown out somewhere to play an upcoming game.

Nerium: Oh. Congrats, yeah, that’s always fun.

merritt: Felt very like 2008 to me.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: They don’t do it a ton anymore, not just because of COVID.

merritt: They don’t really do that anymore. They just have influencers do it now.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: They don’t really pay for people who have like ethics and stuff to do it. I did see an–

Jordan: Yeah, ’cause they don’t even have to fly somebody out. You just send ‘em a jacket.

merritt: Send ‘em a chair, send ’em a jacket.

Jordan: Yeah. Send whatever the fuck you want.

Nerium: Back in the day, they used to like put people– remember like the infamous like Vita boat?

Jordan: I remember that fucking boat. I wasn’t on it.

merritt: I do not.

Jordan: JC Fletcher was on that boat. Shoutouts to JC, who was Managing Editor at Joystiq during my stint there.

Niki: I don’t think I was born yet.

Jordan: Probably not, no.

Nerium: No, Niki wasn’t born yet.

merritt: Yeah, no. The Vita was before your time.

Nerium: Vita means life, and that was why it was how you were immaculately conceived. [laughter]

merritt: Oh, Vita life water.

Nerium: But that was like the– yeah, they like trapped a bunch of journalists on a boat out at–

Niki: Trapped.

merritt: They did a 999 to promote the release of the Vita.

Nerium: [laughs] They did a 999! But there was only like two Vitas on the entire boat and like 300 journalists coming to see this thing.

merritt: What?

Niki: Hell yeah, dude

Nerium: For the first time. It was like the first time they had ever shown the Vita and let people have hands on it.

merritt: Oh my god.

Jordan: Crucially, this was in Japan.

Nerium: Mm-hmm.

Jordan: So like, people had to go to Japan.

merritt: Oh my god.

Jordan: Or they were already in Japan for Tokyo Game Show to do this.

merritt: Yeah.

Nerium: Right.

Jordan: And it was a like six plus hour event with like all this Japanese culture stuff and like a tea ceremony and like dinner and talks from Sony people, but not about [merritt: “Wow”] like the Vita [Nerium: “No”] like much at all. And then if the very end of the night, for like half an hour, they had two ladies come out with Vitas to show people.

Niki: Oh, attached to them, right?

Jordan: Mm, I don’t remember if they were.

Nerium: That was more of a Nintendo thing.

merritt: Were they handcuffed like a heist movie? Like you handcuff like a briefcase full of money to you?

Nerium: Oh, merritt, you might be joking, but they used to do that. They used to handcuff hardware to ladies at these events. [merritt laughs]

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: Nintendo used to do it all the time.

merritt: Aaaaaah.

Niki: Nintendo did it all the time.

Nerium: So you would be playing Super Mario 3D Land or whatever…

Niki: Attached to a woman.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: Just attached to like a five foot tall woman.

merritt: Just do the Walmart thing of like bolt it to the like counter or something.

Jordan: Well, there’s no counter. There’s a lady. So they did still do that.

merritt: Ah, I hate it.

Jordan: They just replaced the counter with a lady. [Niki laughs] Women are furniture.

merritt: Vegas is kind of popping, I gotta say.

Nerium: Yeah? Did you have fun?

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: I like how fucked up and degenerate it is.

Niki: Yes.

merritt: Like, it’s like, it should not exist. Like. you go there, and you’re just like, we shouldn’t have built a huge city here. Like, this is really fucked up.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: Like, people can live in the desert. We’ve proven that I think at this point over thousands of years.

Nerium: But not like this.

merritt: Not like this. [laughter]

Niki: Not like this, yeah.

merritt: Not like this.

Niki: No, yeah, like it is–

merritt: In the words of Mouse, not like this.

Niki: Not like this. Yeah, it’s really–

merritt: Switch? I forget what her name is. Yeah. [laughter] From The Matrix, you know.

Niki: Yeah, it’s really just like a…

Jordan: Newt.

Niki: I think it’s just a testament to like…

Nerium: Matilda.

merritt: It’s hubris. It’s a testament to man’s hubris.

Niki: Yeah. Because like, because the people who settled in Vegas are the people who were crazy enough to go across the Rocky Mountains but not crazy enough to see the end of the country. [merritt laughs]

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: You’re like, I do want to do this horrible mountain pass. [Niki laughs] I don’t want to get to where the water is.

Niki: Yeah, no. I’m stopping here.

merritt: They got winded. They’re like, “All right. Now, this is it. This is as good as it gets.”

Jordan: No, I think what happened is they got over the mountains and then just saw a vast empty nothingness, and…

Nerium: And they were like, “Well. Not going back.”

Jordan: They were like, “Well, I guess I’ll die.”

Niki: Guess I’ll die.

merritt: I guess I’ll build miles of air conditioned casino where you can’t tell what time it is [Jordan: “On purpose”] and also there are parts where the ceiling looks like the sky, even at night.

Niki: Oh, ’cause it’s been painted, yes.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

merritt: It’s been painted to look like the sky, so at night you get very confused. I will say the Pinball Hall of Fame is dope. It’s not what it sounds like.

Jordan: Yes.

merritt: It’s just a giant custom built like aircraft hangar building [“Uh huh”] full of pinball machines and other arcade machines. I didn’t get to go to– there’s a big arcade called Game Nest that I didn’t get to go to, unfortunately. And I did want to go and gamble on, um…this Japanese company called Sigma used to make these like fake plastic horse tracks.

Niki: What’s Sigma?

merritt: Uh, he’s the villain from Mega Man X.

Niki: Oh.

Jordan: It’s also a grindset that you can get on. [Niki laughs]

merritt: Yeah, you can get on that sigma grindset. But they made these like electronic horse betting machines that took quarters, and there’s one left, and it’s in this like little hotel and casino, you just gather around with all these other weirdos and pump quarters into it and go, “Yeah! Number two, number two! Go get ’em!” So, uh. Oh, I ate at Bobby Flay’s restaurant. That was fun.

Niki: Oh, fuck yes! Wait, hold on.

Nerium: Okay, now you’ve activated Niki. [laughter]

Niki: You really fucking buried the lede on this one, merritt! What did you get?

merritt: I mean, he wasn’t there.

Nerium: I’ll just finish this sandwich over here.

merritt: He wasn’t there.

Niki: Yeah, still, what did you get?

merritt: I got some gnocchi that was like…

Niki: [intrigued] All right.

merritt: Oh my God, it was so choice. It was served in like this steel– like you could tell they had baked it like in the dish they served it in.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Niki: So you went to Amalfi, not…

merritt: I went to Amalfi, yeah.

Niki: Amalfi, not…what’s his other one? He has another one there. Whatever. It’s fine. It’s at Caesars. He does have a burger place, and the highlight of the burger place is that he’ll put chips on the burger for you. [laughs]

merritt: Wait, chips like poker chips, or chips like potato chips?

Niki: No, like potato chips.

merritt: That makes more sense.

Jordan: That’s why he’s an Iron Chef, Niki.

merritt: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Niki: Yeah. [laughs]

Jordan: Did the gnocchi look like little bugs?

merritt: [confused] No.

Jordan: You know, sometimes gnocchi looks like little pill bugs?

merritt: Oh, no.

Jordan: Looks like a little Hollow Knight bug.

merritt: It was actually more like cylindrical.

Jordan: Oh, weird.

Nerium: Ooh.

merritt: They looked like they had been like cut off at the end, kind of like a weird little like rectangle polygon thing.

Jordan: Mm. I’ll pass.

Niki: Interesting.

merritt: Really, really good though. Then they brought us out all these like desserts and stuff too, and I had some great, uh…

Nerium: Hell yeah.

merritt: What do you call it? That dessert that almost destroyed this website.

Niki: Oh, tiramizu.

merritt: [laughs] Tiramisu. Yeah.

Niki: Yeah. [laughs]

merritt: Yeah, that’s how you say it. Tiramizoo. [laughs]

Niki: Yeah, tiramassoo.

Nerium: Did we ever even get anything?

merritt: No.

Niki: No.

Nerium: We never got a dessert, did we?

merritt: No, because we didn’t go to that restaurant.

Niki: Well, ’cause we didn’t go!

merritt: Because it wasn’t accessible.

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: Mm.

merritt: Throw back to– for people who don’t know what we’re talking about, on the first—and to date, only—Fanbyte Outside.

Niki: I’m trying!

merritt: Which was in Providence, Rhode Island last year.

Nerium: This is not on you.

merritt: No, no, no. It’s just, it hasn’t happened again yet. It was in September of last year. We booked at this restaurant, and then they were not physically accessible, so uh…

Nerium: [laughs softly] Now, crucially, we did call them ahead of time and ask, [merritt: “Yeah”] “Are you wheelchair accessible?”

Niki: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: And yes.

Niki: They said, “Yes.”

Nerium: And it’s like, “Even on the second floor, which is where we’re putting you.”

merritt: They just fucking lied.

Nerium: Yes. And then we got there, and they were like, “What?”

merritt: And there was a huge thing beforehand about dessert choice between tiramisu and bread pudding and cannoli, which that’s me, baby.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: I’m for cannoli a hundred percent, and there’s a– that was the third party of this electoral race, because it ended up being between bread pudding and tiramisu, which I think are both kind of mids, but…

Niki: Ehh.

merritt: Tiramisu at Bobby Flay’s restaurant, I will say this, Mr. Flay, don’t approve of all the flaying, but you do make a good tiramisu. [Niki laughs] Do you want to play a game? [laughs]

Niki: Yeah.

Jordan: Has anybody said Bobby flayed dragon yet?

Nerium: What?

merritt: Bobby Flaydragon?

Niki: Like a flaydragon? What?

merritt: What?

Jordan: No, what’s that dragon– what’s the dragon from Dark Souls?

merritt: What?

Jordan: The one that’s all split up? The…the…

merritt: The Gaping Dragon?

Nerium: Gaping Dragon?

Jordan: Gaping Dragon. Okay, my joke doesn’t work.

Niki: Bobby Gaping.

merritt: [laughing] Bobby Gaping Dragon.

Nerium: Bobby Gaping Dragon. [laughter]

Jordan: My joke doesn’t work, it turns out, so yeah, I’ll play a game.

merritt: Yeah, no, it doesn’t really work. Hey, so, do y’all remember Digimon?

Jordan: No.

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: [singing] Di- Di- Digimon.

merritt: Yeah, they’re digital monsters.

Nerium: Digimon, digital monsters.

merritt: They digivolve into champions to save the digital world, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Digimon Survive was announced like many years ago.

Niki: 30 years ago. Yeah.

merritt: Yeah, 30 years ago. I was a child.

Nerium: What?

merritt: It was announced a long ass time ago, like–

Nerium: What is it?

merritt: It’s like an RPG. It’s, you know, it’s Digimon. They’ve been putting out Digimon video games for a long time. It’s like–

Niki: But this one’s supposed to be good, is the idea.

merritt: This one’s supposed to be good.

Nerium: Mm…

merritt: They decided, what if we made a good Digimon game?

Nerium: Cyber Sleuth and Cyber Sleuth 2 are good.

merritt: That’s true.

Niki: I didn’t have a Vita or whatever.

merritt: So, this was announced in 2018. This was announced four years ago.

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: [laughs] When nothing else important happened in video games.

merritt: Yeah. And then in 2020, they were like, “Um, shit, sorry guys.”

Niki: Oh, y’all remembered that? [laughs]

merritt: “It’s gonna be 2021. We’re sorry.” And then later in 2021, they were like, “Uh, yeah, we’re not gonna make it. Sorry, guys.” The developer changed at some point too, so that’s always a good sign.

Nerium: Yeah. It’s never gone wrong before.

merritt: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we’ll see. We’ll see how this goes.

Nerium: Wait, but they came out and they did say, “Yeah, it’s coming out now,” right?

merritt: Oh, it’s coming out next week.

Niki: Yeah, next week.

Nerium: What?

merritt: Or two weeks from now. [laughter]

Nerium: All right. I got an email to send.

merritt: So, it’s…I’m not really sure what it is going to be exactly. Apparently characters can be killed, so that’s something.

Jordan: Cool.

Niki: Yeah, ’cause it’s like, as far as I’m aware, it’s like a Persona.

merritt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jordan: They gave Agumon a fucking glock.

merritt: They gave Agumon a gun. It’s being made in Unity.

Nerium: And you can date your teacher. That’s weird.

merritt: The producer is Kazumasa Habu, who previously worked on these Summon Night series.

Nerium: Oh.

Jordan: What is that?

merritt: Which I didn’t realize until recently– I thought the Summon Night series was just those three games on the Game Boy Advance. No, those are spinoffs of the actual series that was for the PlayStation, but none of those games were localized until like the fifth or sixth one.

Nerium: Hey.

merritt: Mm-hmm?

Nerium: Y’all didn’t tell me, this is like a– this is a Fire Emblem. This is a tactics RPG.

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: It’s a survival tactics strategy roleplaying game with elements of Agumon.

Nerium: I need to play this. I have an email to send. [laughs]

merritt: No, it might actually be good. Here’s the thing, like, it might actually be good. I remember we– I think we published something about it like, yeah, like years ago, and I was like, “Oh, this looks like it could be cool.” Anyway, that’s coming out, so I thought we would do a little thing called Real or Fakemon.

[music]

merritt: Fakemon is usually a term used for Pokémon, where people create fake Pokémon, but…

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

merritt: We’re gonna do it for this. And do y’all, like, did y’all ever watch Digimon?

Jordan: No.

Niki: I did.

Nerium: Christ, yes.

Niki: Well.

merritt: So wait, who said– so Nere, you did.

Nerium: Oh yeah. I was right there in the YMCA daycare rec room watching that episode where they revealed like the 3D, like the big ice werewolf.

Niki: Oh my God, the digivolution?

Nerium: The digivolution?

Niki: Oh my God!

merritt: Where they saved money by doing like a really cheap CGI transformation, [Niki: “Yes!”] but it looked really sick at the time?

Nerium: Ah, but it looked fucking cool. Yeah.

merritt: Yeah. So, Jordan, you never saw it?

Jordan: The one time I remember seeing Digimon on television, I was…I had just woken up on the floor of my aunt’s living room.

Niki: Good start.

Jordan: We were visiting for a family reunion, I want to say?

merritt: Mm, mm-hmm.

Jordan: And she had turned the television on and didn’t have cable but had an enormous– so, Niki, before cable, [merritt: “Mm”] people used to have antennas on top of their houses in order to pick up television.

Niki: Yeah.

Jordan: You know?

Niki: To get the TV from the sky.

Jordan: To get the sky TV.

merritt: From the sky. And then they turned it off, yeah.

Nerium: Yeah.

Jordan: And then they turned that off eventually, but back then it was still happening.

Niki: Yeah, I had to get a digital box from my grandma. It was a whole thing.

Jordan: Yeah, yeah. So, she had turned it onto like UPN or whatever the local [merritt: “Mm”] affiliate station was, and it was playing Digimon, and I just looked at it with disgust and thought, “This is the shittiest not-Pokémon I’ve ever seen.”

Niki: Wow– ohhh.

Nerium: Ohh.

Jordan: “This doesn’t even approach Pokémon.”

merritt: Okay. Okay, so here’s the thing. At the time, Digimon was widely considered—in the West, at least—to be a ripoff of Pokémon, just because the name is so similar, it’s about monsters. But if you actually watched it, it actually is very different.

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: Oh yeah.

merritt: First of all, there’s no acquisition element. There’s no– you don’t catch Digimon. You have a Digimon friend, and that’s it. There’s no like collecting element to it.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

merritt: There is in some of the games, but at least in that first anime, there was no like, “Oh, I gotta catch Agumon. I gotta catch Fuckomon or whatever.” Like.

Nerium: Yeah.

Niki: Funkomon?

merritt: Funkomon, yeah. [laughter] And also, it was like about surprisingly serious themes.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: Like, there was a whole thing where like these two kids, their parents were getting divorced, and it was like, [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] “Oh, it’s because they hate me, ‘cause I’m a stupid piece of shit kid and my parents hate me.” And so then like one of them falls into a literal pit of despair.

Niki: Yep.

merritt: And his Digimon has to like talk him out of it and just be like–

Jordan: Cool.

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: [voice] “I love you! It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’m a weird little walrus man.” [laughter]

Nerium: They do the thing–

Niki: They also find Jesus– oh, yeah, go ahead.

Nerium: They do the thing that– Pokémon touches on this a little bit where it’s like, Ash is like, “I’m gonna force you to evolve, ’cause I want you to be more powerful!”

merritt: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: And Pikachu I think or whatever is like, “No, I don’t want it!”

merritt: I don’t want to be a Raichu. No, everyone hates Raichu.

Nerium: Everyone hates Raichus.

Niki: ‘Cause Raichu sucks.

Nerium: Pikachu was right.

Jordan: I don’t think Ash ever said explicitly, “I’m going to–”

merritt: Ash tried to get, I think it was– yeah, no, tried to get Pikachu to evolve.

Nerium: It might not have been Pikachu.

merritt: And then I think Charmander/Charmeleon was a whole thing too.

Nerium: Yeah, there’s all that stuff there about like evolving them too early.

merritt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jordan: Yeah, I remember the episode where he gets the lightning, whatever stone it is.

Nerium: Thunder stone.

merritt: [imitating] “Pikachu, if you don’t use this thunder stone to evolve, [“Thunder stone, yeah”] I’m gonna put you in the Poke???”

Jordan: He’ll get– he gets the thunder stone from Bobby Flay, [merritt: “Yeah”] because Bobby Flay’s Raichu is so powerful.

merritt: Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Jordan: But he leaves it up to Pikachu. I don’t think he ever explicitly says–

Nerium: At the end, but he–

merritt: But I think he’s like…

Nerium: There was definitely something there.

merritt: Yeah, Ash is just a…you know.

Jordan: I mean, he’s putting some pressure on, you know, but he’s never…

Nerium: But…

merritt: Yeah. But…

Jordan: He’s not gonna force Pikachu to do anything.

Nerium: But on Digimon

merritt: They didn’t do what Digimon did.

Nerium: On Digimon, it was like, oh, I can make you more powerful, I just have to– you just to like eat more food and like get bulked up and like evolve and consume these monsters or whatever. It’s like force feeding his Agumon, Tai force feeding his Agumon like food and stuff like that, and it like revealed that like, oh, if a Digimon is like forced to evolve—at least this one in this specific case—is forced to evolve against its will, it turns into a big fucked up undead dragon that tries to kill you and all your friends. [laughs]

merritt: Yeah.

Niki: Yeah, but it was so sick though.

Nerium: It was so sick, though!

merritt: It got really– it was a literal skeleton. It was a Dark Souls monster.

Nerium: Yeah.

Niki: Yeah, it fucking ruled.

merritt: Like, it was a big skeleton dragon that tried to kill everybody. And it was like, [voice] “Well, sorry, Tai, I guess you shouldn’t do that again.” But no, it–

Jordan: Was that the walrus again?

Niki: No.

merritt: Uh, that was– no, they all sounded like that.

Jordan: Was that the T-Rex?

Niki: That was Agumon. He turned into SkullGreymon.

merritt: Later on, in the second season, I’m pretty sure there was a part where everyone got crucified.

Jordan: Cool.

Nerium: Yeah, that happens in–

Jordan: I mean, that happens a lot.

Nerium: Yeah.

Niki: That happens a lot.

merritt: Yeah, yeah, that is gonna– listen, you go into the digital world, you are gonna get cruced.

Nerium: Talkin’ about Persona.

merritt: There’s a whole thing where this kid was like– like betrayed them all to become the Digimon emperor and was like enslaving Digimon. It was really fucked up. Anyway.

Niki: Yeah. That’s the– in the third season, the guy, the kid is a loner.

merritt: Yes.

Niki: And he has to make his own Digimon, which is really sad, and then–

merritt: He draws it, and it’s really fucked up. [laughs]

Niki: Yeah, and it’s really fucked up, and it comes out so sick. And it can– it like speaks English, kind of.

merritt: Mm-hmm.

Niki: It’s really weird.

merritt: And then I think in the movie, the enemy launches a bunch of nukes in the real world?

Nerium: Yeah.

Niki: Yes.

merritt: Yeah.

Nerium: There’s an enemy virus that like hacks the like global supercomputers and like tries to nuke all of the planet at once to kill all humans.

Niki: Yeah, because there’s Devilmon and then there’s, um…God is also in there too.

Nerium: Mm-hmm.

merritt: Yeah, I mean, all Digimon start off as like an orb and they turn into an angel creature. But yeah, no, there’s the screen cap where this character’s like, “Izzy, the United States just launched two nuclear missiles! The US government has no explanation, but I know the truth. Diaboromon is in the Pentagon’s computers!”

Nerium: And he was.

merritt: And then they grew up, and then they were like, you know, older kids, and then there’s a new generation.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: It was a whole thing. Anyway, are these real Digimon or fake? [Nerium laughs] Let’s start.

Jordan: All the ones you just talked about were fake.

merritt: That’s correct.

Nerium: No.

merritt: Okay, the first one is Nautilusmon.

Jordan: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We gotta establish some rules. Are we just saying it? Are we buzzing in? [merritt sighs] How do we play the game?

merritt: How do you want to play the game?

Niki: Just say your Digimon name.

merritt: Yeah. Yeah, say–

Niki: Just say Nikimon or Jordanmon or Neremon.

merritt: Exactly. Exactly. Exactly, do that.

Jordan: Okay. Thank you.

merritt: Okay. The first one is Nautilusmon.

Jordan: Jordomon.

Niki: Nikimon.

merritt: Jordan, go ahead.

Jordan: Uh, fake.

merritt: That’s correct. [correct noise] There’s no such thing as Nautilusmon. It sounds real.

Jordan: It does sound real.

Nerium: That’s a good one.

Jordan: It probably has like a spiral shell, you know?

merritt: Yeah, right? You would think so.

Jordan: Yeah.

merritt: How about Commandramon?

Jordan: Dra or dro?

merritt: Commandramon.

Jordan: Dramon?

Niki: Nikimon.

merritt: Go ahead.

Niki: I’m gonna say real.

merritt: It is real. [correct noise] And I’m gonna do the thing that I famously don’t care for.

Niki: Are you gonna show me a JPEG? Yeah!

merritt: I’m gonna insist that you all out there in podcast land look up some JPEGs, because Commandramon is just a dinosaur with an assault rifle.

Niki: Yeah, yeah.

merritt: And camo. Its skin is camo, and it is just carrying an assault rifle.

Nerium: Hmm.

merritt: That’s it.

Jordan: So they already gave Agumon a gun.

merritt: They did give Agumon a gun. That’s real.

Niki: That’s good. I’m happy for him.

merritt: Yeah, I think it’s good, right?

Niki: It is their rights.

merritt: I’m always saying this, the right to bear arms, especially.

Jordan: Yeah.

merritt: Sistermon Noir. [Niki laughs]

Nerium: Neremon.

merritt: Go ahead.

Nerium: Real.

merritt: That is real. [correct noise] Can you guess what it is?

Nerium: [laughs] Is it like a Gothic Lolita girl Pokémon, Digimon?

merritt: It’s very close. It’s a catgirl nun with dual pistols.

Niki: Yeah.

Jordan: Oh, that’s my new Vtuber avatar.

merritt: [laughs] It just looks like Bayonetta. Like, it’s just a catgirl. It’s a nun whose habit has cat ears on it.

Nerium: Oh, sister.

merritt: And it has two handguns.

Nerium: Oh, Sistermon. Okay.

merritt: Sistermon Noir.

Niki: The guns are called “T.”

Nerium: What? Like the drink?

merritt: Uh huh? Oh, they are also cross-shaped guns too.

Niki: Yeah.

Jordan: Okay. So it is Bayonetta.

merritt: Yeah.

Jordan: Or no, that’s…Bayonetta doesn’t. Who am I thinking of that has cross-shaped guns?

Niki: God?

Nerium: Helsing?

merritt: God, yeah. God.

Jordan: Helsing? Might be Helsing. God definitely does.

merritt: God.

Jordan: Wolfwood from Trigun.

Nerium: He has a– I mean…

Jordan: He’s got the one.

Nerium: Are his guns– oh, he’s got one? Okay. Because he’s got the coffin. Or no, no, he’s not the coffin. That’s Gungrave.

Jordan: Yeah.

Nerium: A different character by the same guy. [laughter]

merritt: Okay. How about Jazzmon?

Jordan: Jordomon.

Niki: Uh, Nik– oh.

merritt: Yeah, Jordan, go ahead.

Jordan: Fake.

merritt: That is correct. [correct noise]

Jordan: It’s too simple.

merritt: Leopardmon Leopard Mode.

Nerium: Neremon.

merritt: Go ahead.

Nerium: Real.

merritt: [laughs] Yes. [Nerium laughs] So, there is a Digimon called Leopardmon.

Jordan: Okay.

merritt: And then there is Leopardmon Leopard Mode.

Niki: Yeah, that’s when he’s a leopard.

merritt: That’s when he’s a leopard.

Nerium: Yeah, that’s when he’s a leopard.

merritt: Because Leopardmon isn’t a leopard.

Jordan: Okay.

Niki: No, he’s a guy.

merritt: But Leopardmon in Leopard Mode is.

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: Yeah.

Niki: He’s a Transformer.

merritt: He’s a Transformer.

Nerium: This is also kind of a One Piece thing, actually.

merritt: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: If you have the animal type Devil Fruits in that, usually you have three different forms. You have like human form, [merritt: “Mm”] like mixed animal human hybrid form.

Niki: Mm.

Nerium: And basically, if you’re ever confused about something in any of Japanese media that came out in the last like 10 to 15 years, it’s probably inspired at least somewhat by One Piece.

merritt: Mm.

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: Okay. That makes sense.

Niki: So it’s like going and getting soft serve, and they’ve got vanilla, chocolate, and then the swirl.

merritt: They swirl it, yeah. Do you know what Leopardmon’s attacks are called?

Niki: Uh, he’s got a big stick, doesn’t he? If I’m remembering correctly.

merritt: Yeah, he does something called Extinction Wave.

Niki: Yeah!

Nerium: Cool.

merritt: [laughs] So that’s sort of his thing that he does.

Jordan: He hates all life. He’s Thanos.

merritt: Wait, hold on a second. He is based on Oscar from The Rose of Versailles.

Nerium: Huh.

Niki: Huh.

Jordan: I’ve never seen that.

merritt: The Rose of Versailles is a famous manga slash anime.

Jordan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

merritt: But he is based on one of the main characters from that.

Nerium: That’s wild.

merritt: I don’t think that character turns into leopard, but I haven’t read it, so I could be wrong. Okay, Pipoman.

Niki: Pipomon.

merritt: Pipomon.

Nerium: Pipo?

merritt: Pipomon.

Niki: Nikimon.

merritt: Go ahead.

Niki: No, fake.

merritt: I’m afraid it’s real. [incorrect noise]

Niki: Oh.

merritt: Pipomon is…it’s just a siren with arms and legs.

Nerium: [laughs] Oh, peepo peepo peepo.

Niki: Peepo peepo peepo.

merritt: Yeah, I guess.

Niki: So he’s like a Minion, huh?

merritt: He is kind of like a Minion, but if the Minions had really, really sharp teeth.

Jordan: Oh, okay.

Niki: Yeah, they do. [laughter]

merritt: Oh, okay. I’ve never– I guess I’ve never seen inside a Minion’s mouth.

Niki: You gotta go watch– you have to watch Minions 3.

merritt: I have to watch Minions 3.

Niki: There’s a lot of shots of the mouth in there.

Jordan: You know Phoebe Bridgers has a song on that new Minions movie soundtrack? [laughs]

merritt: Yeah, that tracks.

Niki: Yeah, there’s an incredible article about the soundtrack on fanbyte.com written by Fūnk-é.

Jordan: Oh, I didn’t know that.

Niki: Yeah, it’s really good.

merritt: All right. Huskymon.

Nerium: Phoebemon Bridgers Mode. [laughter]

Niki: Sorry, did you say– what did you say?

merritt: Huskymon.

Niki: Huskymon.

Jordan: Jordoman.

Nerium: Neremon.

merritt: Jordan, go ahead.

Jordan: It’s real.

merritt: Yeah, that one’s fake. [incorrect noise]

Jordan: What?

Niki: Mm.

merritt: There’s no Huskymon. Uh, Monmon.

Nerium: Neremon.

merritt: Mm-hmm?

Nerium: Real.

merritt: It’s real! [correct noise, laughter] Monmon is real.

Niki: Now, what is Monmon?

merritt: It’s just a monkey.

Niki: Oh, monkey mon!

merritt: Yeah.

Niki: Monmon. Oh, that’s good.

merritt: Monmon.

Nerium: Monmon is cute.

merritt: It’s like a baby monkey. It’s kind of cute. It’s got a big slingshot on its back. Kind of wears boxing gloves.

Nerium: The feet are challenging.

merritt: Has big nasty feet.

Niki: This is just Grookey. [laughter]

merritt: It is, but I think it predates Grookey.

Nerium: It predates Grookey by a good while.

Niki: Wow, Pokémon stole from…

Jordan: Well, there’s only so many ways you can draw a monkey.

merritt: And then it turns into– wait, sorry. It turns into a…

Niki: Oh my God, a quadripedal fucking assault tank. [laughter]

merritt: It turns an armored centaur with a minigun for an arm. Hey, Digimon, are you okay guys? Like, what–

Jordan: What’s that guy’s name?

Nerium: They’re more than okay over there, let me tell ya.

merritt: His name is Armormon.

Jordan: Armormon?

merritt: Armormon.

Jordan: That was another thing that I thought was distasteful about Digimon.

merritt: Uh huh.

Jordan: Was that the evolution chains forked.

Nerium: Yeah. They forked multiple times.

merritt: Oh, yeah, they do a lot of the new…

Jordan: There were multiple…

Nerium: They did fusions.

merritt: They get really confusing and complicated, yeah.

Jordan: Yeah, I did not like that.

merritt: I just, why does this turn into that?

Jordan: Yeah, exactly.

merritt: Like, what god would allow this?

Jordan: Digimon is a godless universe.

merritt: That’s true.

Nerium: That’s literally not true, because God is in Digimon. [laughter]

merritt: It’s a child monkey whose attacks are Swing Swing and Mischievous Hoop, and then it turns into Armormon whose attack is Justice Massacre.

Jordan: Justice Massacre?

merritt: Justice Massacre!

Jordan: Oh no.

merritt: It strikes with the Gatling guns on both its arms and the machine guns on its stomach in the name of justice.

Jordan: Wow.

Niki: Oh, so he’s a good guy.

merritt: He’s good.

Niki: That’s good.

merritt: Well, no, he is a virus though, so I think that’s bad.

Jordan: Hmm.

Nerium: A virus is like a type. It’s like being a fire type in Digimon.

Niki: Yeah, virus is a type. Yes. Yeah.

merritt: Okay.

Nerium: He could be good and still be a virus.

merritt: Oh, okay. Agumon Expert.

Niki: Nikimon.

merritt: Mm-hmm?

Niki: I’m gonna say that’s real.

merritt: That is real. [correct noise] Can you guess what it is?

Niki: Uh, I think it’s like, what if you don’t never let Agumon digivolve and he’s like the best he could be?

merritt: Mm.

Niki: Like perfect Agumon.

Jordan: Okay. I think it’s Agumon, but he’s got glasses.

merritt: Those are both really good guesses. [laughter]

Nerium: Jordan, you’re closer.

merritt: You’re closer, because it’s Agumon but he’s a really smart Agumon, so he’s wearing a mortarboard and lab coat.

Jordan: Oh, really? [Niki laughs]

merritt: And has a little pointer.

Nerium: But the lab coat is like for a person and not a little Agumon.

merritt: It’s way too big.

Nerium: So the sleeves are too long. It’s very cute.

Jordan: That sounds great.

merritt: And he–

Nerium: There’s also Fake Agumon Expert, which is like an evil blue version of him. [laughter]

merritt: Yeah. There’s– okay, so yeah. Agumon Expert is he’s just a smart Agumon, and then yeah, there is Fake Agumon Expert, which was going to be…I was gonna ask about that, but that’s okay.

Nerium: Oh, sorry!

merritt: No, Fake Agumon Expert is an Agumon who tries to convince people that it’s smart, but its title is plagiarized. It stole– it got fake credentials from a degree mill.

Nerium: [laughs] Oh my God.

Niki: Wow.

Jordan: That rules.

merritt: From tip to toe, it is fake. [laughter] And it’s like, yeah, it has like a rod that has a bat on it, and it’s like, “Listen to me, I’m an evil dinosaur.” It’s incredibly funny. So, it’s not as knowledgeable, so it unscrupulously spreads lies.

Niki: Un– oh, why? Not even in a scrupulous fashion? That’s fucked up.

merritt: It doesn’t leave Agumon Expert any research ideas in order to inconvenience it. [laughter]

Nerium: What? What does that mean?

merritt: It steals all its research.

Jordan: Do they work in the same lab or something?

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: Apparently they work– they’re in the same faculty, and Agumon Expert’s like, “I’m going to research the effects of Digiradiation on–” and Fake Agumon Expert’s like, “I already called that! Nope, I’m already doing it. [laughter] I have a grad student, a fake gragumon grad student working on it already.”

Nerium: Gradumon.

merritt: Gradumon. Sephirothmon.

Niki: Yes. [laughter]

merritt: Can you please phrase that in a form of a Digimon?

Niki: Sorry, Nikimon.

merritt: Yeah, uh huh.

Niki: Yeah, Sephirothmon is real.

merritt: It’s real! [correct noise, laughter] It’s real! Because Sephiroth is not– because that name is not original to Final Fantasy VII.

Nerium: Right.

merritt: It refers to like a Gnostic or Judaic…

Niki: Sephirothmon looks like a really sick Pot of Greed.

merritt: [laughs] Sephirothmon is based on, I believe, on the tree of life or on the…

Nerium: Oh!

merritt: I think it’s just called the sephiroth.

Niki: This looks a Pot of Greed to me.

merritt: It’s like, you know, at the beginning of Evangelion.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Niki: Mm, no.

Nerium: At the beginning of Evangelion?

merritt: Yeah, like it flashes on the screen, where it’s like, [imitates “Cruel Angel’s Thesis” and others join in] and then it’s like–

Nerium: Oh, you mean like the intro.

merritt: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it shows the symbols in the background.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Nerium; Yeah.

merritt: It’s that.

Jordan: You may also remember it from Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

merritt: Yes. Yes. It has a mind utterly devoid of emotion. So, if this thing comes for you, there is no reasoning or there’s no mercy. A quiet, disturbing laugh can be heard emanating from its unsightly mouth.

Jordan: Hmm.

Niki: Gross.

merritt: So that’s good. We love that.

Niki: There’s a Digimon that looks like Pacman [merritt: “Mm-hmm,” Nerium: “No”] but like what if Pacman was fucking jacked.

Nerium: No.

merritt: Yeah, I know. I have seen this one.

Nerium: I take umbrage with you describing this as “like Pacman.” [laughter]

Niki: He’s a lot like Pacman, but he evolves into…he’s one of seven Digimon that can evolve into Sephirothmon.

Jordan: Yeah, that’s the other thing. Like, why can multiple guys evolve into the same guy?

merritt: I don’t know.

Nerium: It’s ’cause it’s all memes and data, genes, scenes, you know?

merritt: Yeah, it’s all…

Nerium: You know, Jordan?

Jordan: Mm…

Niki: Meme economy.

merritt: It’s memes. It’s Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine.

Jordan: Mm.

merritt: Hellmon.

Nerium: Neremon.

merritt: Uh huh?

Nerium: Real.

merritt: That one’s fake. I did make that one up. [incorrect noise]

Nerium: Fuck!

Niki: Damn.

merritt: That sounds real though, right?

Jordan: They’re just leaving money on the table, not making a Hellmon.

merritt: Not making a Hellmon.

Niki: Well, it’s because they already have Devilmon.

merritt: They already do have Devilmon or Devimon.

Jordan: Hey, you know, in Digimon World, the PlayStation 1 Digimon game [Niki: “Yes,” Nerium: “Yeah, it rules”] which is mostly just like doing chores with your Digimon.

merritt: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: Yeah. It’s great.

Jordan: There’s– your Digimon has to poop, right?

Nerium: Yep.

Niki: Yeah.

Jordan: There’s a poop meter, and if they don’t get to a toilet in time, they’ll like soil themselves and lower their stats.

merritt: Aw.

Nerium: Yeah.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

Jordan: But when you get ’em to a toilet, you watch the Digimon poop.

merritt: No, you don’t.

Jordan: It’s like a little squat toilet that’s just outside.

Nerium: Uh huh?

Jordan: And this happens regardless of what Digimon you have.

Nerium: Yep.

merritt: [dismayed] No.

Jordan: So if you have one of the humanoid Digimons, [merritt: “Like the people ones,” Nerium: “Uh huh”] such as Devimon or Angewomon…

Nerium: Andromon, yeah.

Jordan: Andromon. You get to watch ‘m poop!

Nerium: Yep.

merritt: I fucking hate that.

Niki: That’s really cool.

merritt: I hate that so much.

Nerium: That game was so– when I played it in 1997 or whatever, that was the coolest game I’d ever played.

merritt: So that was a feature of the original– because Digimon started as like a Tamagotchi spinoff.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: Right.

merritt: But you could plug them into each other to make them fight, and I wanted one so fucking bad.

Nerium: They were cool. That’s why it’s like about the relationship you have with your specific Digimon and not like…

merritt: Yeah.

Nerium: You know? You’re supposed to take care of it.

merritt: Because you just started with orb, and then it could evolve into–

Jordan: Wait, was it the same company?

merritt: Yeah, it was Bandai.

Niki: Yeah, they’re both Bandai.

merritt: You could, yeah, just start with a little orb and evolve it into different guys.

Nerium: Yeah.

Jordan: Then who did Digipets?

merritt: That was just some random fucko, I don’t know.

Niki: Someone else.

Jordan: Was that Mattel?

merritt: Um, do you mean Giga Pet?

Jordan: Giga Pets, yeah.

merritt: I had a Giga Pet as well. Those were [Nerium: “Hasbro”] Tiger Electronics.

Niki: Giga Pet was Hasbro or Tiger, yeah.

Jordan: It was Tiger, yeah. Okay.

merritt: Wow, that explains a lot.

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: Tiger.

Nerium: Oh, Hasbro owned– Hasbro picked it up in 1998. Okay.

merritt: Mm.

Niki: There was also the– when Mega Man NT Warrior was on television, [merritt: “Mm-hmm”] they had Tamagotchi but you had Mega Mans in there instead.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

merritt: Yeah.

Niki: And you like put chips in and then you could battle, and that was sick also.

Jordan: That’s cool.

merritt: They did have– yeah, okay. There were some really weird Giga Pets.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: So like, they had– you could get Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and then you could get like [Niki: “Wait, what?”] wrestlers.

Niki: Yeah! Could they fight?

Jordan: I remember the wrestlers! That was so– what a…

merritt: And you could get like Yoda and like R2-D2 and like the Tasmanian Devil.

Niki: Yeah.

Jordan: ‘Cause it was Tiger, right? So like they already had all these licensing agreements set up.

merritt: Yeah, they already had all these, yeah, exactly.

Nerium: Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jordan: What a weird fucking thing. Did I ever– have I ever told the story about how my Tamagotchi died in a car wreck? [quiet laughter]

Nerium: No?

merritt: No?

Jordan: Okay, so… [laughter] When I–

Nerium: It got ejected from the screen? What? [laughter]

Jordan: No. This would’ve been primo Tamagotchi time, so I think I was 10 or 11 years old.

merritt: Mm-hmm.

Jordan: And my Tamagotchi went everywhere with me. I cared for it like it was a real pet, and he was my little buddy. And on the way back from buying my first and only hockey stick, because I was playing little league roller hockey that year, [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] my mom and I got side swiped by a car that was making an unprotected left turn across traffic.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

Jordan: My mom used to keep my Tamagotchi in her purse when we were like out, so I wouldn’t lose it [merritt: “Mm, mm-hmm”] and like put it down somewhere. They left my mom’s purse in the car when…

Niki: [gasps] They took it away.

Jordan: When like the ambulance came to pack us up and get us to the hospital and stuff. I was fine. My mom fractured her sternum. That was as bad as it got. But they left her purse in the car, and they had to tow the car off.

merritt: Oh no.

Jordan: And so she didn’t get her purse back for like three days.

Nerium: Oh, and its battery died?

Jordan: No, it just starved to death.

Nerium: Oh!

merritt: Oh my God! I thought this is going to be like, “Oh, it was smashed in a car accident,” which would’ve been bad enough, but somehow this is worse.

Jordan: Yeah, I went into the bathroom and cried for like an hour.

merritt: Yeah.

Nerium: Yeah, that’s messed up.

Niki: Wow, that’s tragic.

Nerium: Do you ever think about like how it died alone and like kind of without– [Jordan: “Oh yeah”] never knowing that you would come back for it?

Jordan: Yeah, I think about that still.

Nerium: Interesting, okay.

Jordan: And I have at times considered getting another Tamagotchi [merritt: “Mm”] and have never been able to bring myself to do it.

Niki: Do they got an app for that?

merritt: Almost certainly.

Nerium: Yeah, it’s not the same.

merritt: Almost certainly they do, but yeah, no, it isn’t.

Jordan: No, it’s gotta be a little green egg with a guy in it.

merritt: I had like one Digipet, and then– ‘cause my parents claimed to be allergic to animals when I–

Jordan: To digital monsters?

merritt: No, to real ones, because they didn’t– they knew that my sister and I wouldn’t like do all the hard work, and so they didn’t want to do it. They’re like, “Oh, we’re allergic. You can’t have pets.” [laughter] So we had Digipets, and then I did have a Tamagotchi like towards the tail end when they got cheaper. Except then, at one point in like the eighth grade, I guess it was like in a drawer under my bed, and I just, in the middle of the night one night, it just started going beep beep beep beep beep! Like, it had been dead for like years, and it just came back to life.

Niki: Whoa.

Nerium: [gasps] Whoa.

merritt: Like the battery must have just been like…something leaked or it just had like one last spurt of life, and it was just like screaming under my bed, and I was so scared. It came back to life, and I had to like, [Jordan: “That’s amazing”] wake my dad up to find a screwdriver so that I could like take the batteries out and silence it.

Niki: So you could stab it.

Jordan: So you could kill it.

Nerium: “We have to kill it! Dad!”

merritt: Yeah, so we could rip its heart out.

Jordan: Your bed was built on top of a pet sematary. [Niki laughs]

merritt: Yeah, Digipet sematary. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nerium: Stake the heart! Cut off the head!

merritt: God. Burn it in a ritual blaze. All right, last one. Doggymon.

Niki: Nikimon.

Nerium: Neremon.

merritt: Niki, go ahead.

Niki: Uh, Doggymon is real.

merritt: That is true. [correct noise] It’s real. And it’s a really–

Jordan: It would be great if it wasn’t a dog.

merritt: Really fucked up looking–

Niki: He looks like a cartoon dog. Yeah.

merritt: It’s like an American cartoon. So like, it just looks like a character from a show from like the 1990s. It looks like an Eek! The Cat character.

Niki: But that’s because he came out of like– if I’m remembering correctly.

merritt: Yes.

Niki: He came out of like an American TV studio computer.

merritt: That is correct.

Niki: I wish I remembered Spanish, you know? [laughter]

merritt: Instead of where Digimon came from?

Niki: Instead of this, yeah.

merritt: Yeah, God.

Niki: He sucks to look at.

merritt: He’s not good to see.

Niki: They did a really good job of making him feel like he was from something else entirely.

merritt: Right, he doesn’t look like he should exist. Like he looks bad to see. There are so many of these little fuckers.

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: Of Digimon? Yeah.

merritt: There are a lot, like probably more than Pokémon at this point.

Nerium: Oh, 100%, ’cause they just don’t give a shit.

merritt: Yeah, they just don’t fucking care. They got no standards.

Niki: There are…I just clicked on Digimon species, and it says that there’s 1,410 pages on the Digimon Wiki. [merritt laughs, sighs]

Nerium: That’s probably not all Digimon though, right? That’s gotta be like…

Niki: Not all, yeah.

Nerium: Tai has a page, you know?

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Niki: Well, I mean, okay, in Digimon

Nerium: The US government.

Jordan: Each episode of the show.

Niki: But then in Digimon Frontiers, that was the one where when they digivolve, they went inside of their Digimon.

Nerium: Right, they fused with them.

merritt: Where they fused with them? Yeah.

Nerium: They fused human with the Digimon, yeah.

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: That was like season three?

Niki: Like Ash and that Grenninja. Yeah.

merritt: Right, yeah. That was a whole thing.

Jordan: I have some Digimon friends that were always shit talking one specific season of Digimon, and I’m trying to remember what it was.

Nerium: Yeah, I wouldn’t know.

Jordan: If it’s like…

Niki: Do you know where they– do you know what happened in it?

Jordan: No…

Niki: I can give you– here, I’ll give you the–

Jordan: Tamers! Tamers. Digimon Tamers.

Niki: Tamers.

Nerium: Tamers.

Niki: Wait, that one was fun, though.

Jordan: They talked about it like it was poop out of a butt.

Nerium: The new Digimon is really bad.

Jordan: New Digimon.

Niki: Digimon Tamers is where the one that everyone wants to fuck is from.

Nerium: No, ’cause Digimon Tamers

merritt: No, Renamon is from the first season.

Niki: Renamon?

merritt: Yeah.

Niki: No.

Nerium: Renamon becomes a much bigger– like, Renamon becomes like a central Digimon in one of the seasons.

merritt: Oh.

Nerium: Is Tamers not a spinoff of the actual first season where these characters appear though, Niki? Where they don’t look as…

Niki: No, Tamers is the one where the kid makes his own Digimon with the piece of paper. He finds a Digivice in the sewer.

Nerium: Okay.

Niki: And he’s like, “I want a best friend,” and then he draws a shitty Digimon, and then it comes out and it’s really fucking sick.

Nerium: I just remember these characters looking older, but I was [merritt: “Mm”] also probably like, you know, seven years old.

Niki: Yeah.

Nerium: So everybody probably looked like an adult to me. But yeah, this is definitely the season where Renamon is like one of the– it’s the main girl’s Digimon.

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: Oh. How bad did you want to find a Digivice though, when you were a kid?

Niki: Oh, I thought as soon–

Nerium: Oh. Ohh.

Niki: Oh man, I thought I was gonna find it immediately. Everyone was like, “Oh, I’m gonna get my fucking Harry Potter letter,” and I was like, “You fucking idiots.” [laughter]

merritt: You idiot. I want a Digivice. I’m out, baby. I’m going to the digital world. I’m hanging out with SkullGreymon and all my friends. [Niki laughs] I mean, crucially, SkullGreymon is not your friend.

Nerium: No.

merritt: He will kill you.

Nerium: I mean, you played Digimon Cyber Sleuth. You can get anybody.

merritt: “It was a Digimon that put too much importance on fighting, and as a result of its combat instinct, it clung to its life despite its body rotting away, its whole body becoming nothing but bones.”

Nerium: Mm-hmm.

Jordan: Cool.

Niki: Yes.

merritt: “As it doesn’t have even a scrap of intelligence to balance its combat instinct, its existence is a threat to other Digimon.”

Niki: It looks like an Undertale boss.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

merritt: Yeah. Like when you go like the genocide route.

Niki: Yeah, yeah. This is what Sans turns into.

merritt: You kill everything, and the game’s like, “Oh, you like violence? All right.” Hey kids, you like violence? You want to see me turn my Digimon into a SkullGreymon? That didn’t really work out the way that I thought it would, but…

Jordan: Eminem loves Digimon.

merritt: He does love Digimon. He’s on record as saying the two things he loves are kissing other men and playing Digimon, and…

Niki: That’s true.

merritt: I think they’re both great. I think we should really, you know, celebrate him for that.

Niki: You know what? Thank you, Eminem.

merritt: Thank you for being a gay icon.

Niki: For your contributions, yeah.

merritt: And a Digimon tamer icon.

Nerium: A lot of people only want to see two male Digimon kiss, but he kind of like, no, he’s like, no, I want to make the distinction.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

merritt: Mm. Hey, Chuumon is really bad too.

Niki: Shoemon?

merritt: C-H-U-U-M-O-N.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: It’s really…

Niki: Does it look like a shoe? Oh, no.

merritt: No, it’s really bad.

Niki: Oh no.

merritt: It’s really, really bad. [laughs]

Niki: Oh, this is the guy that has a shit friend that floats.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: Yeah, there is a– I did forget that there was a Pokémon that was like a little piece of poop.

Nerium: A Digimon? Yeah.

merritt: With just really scary arms.

Jordan: This is the fucking Itchy & Scratchy mouse.

merritt: Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Nerium: Sukamon is the name of the poop that looks like [merritt: “Yeah”] Mojo from the X-Men.

merritt: It has an attack called Poop Punch. [laughter]

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

merritt: And an attack… [laughs] Okay. It has an attack that, in English, it’s called Poop Blast, which is like… [laughs] okay, still pretty bad. You could try to guess what the Japanese name of this attack is for years and you would never get it. [laughter] It’s called Poop Paradise.

Jordan: Cool.

merritt: Why? Why?

Nerium: A paradise of poop.

merritt: That’s terrible.

Nerium: Poopadise.

Jordan: Is he creating a paradise of poop or is it like–

merritt: I don’t know.

Jordan: Is the poop going to paradise through this action?

Nerium: Does the poop open a portal to paradise?

merritt: There’s also a variant called Aerial Poop Paradise.

Niki: We have to…

Jordan: Oh, you can do it in the air too? That’s good utility.

merritt: Yeah, you want to have those air hadoukens.

Jordan: Yeah, yeah.

merritt: That’s so important to defend against, you know, rising attacks.

Nerium: We have to get out of here. We have to leave.

merritt: Yeah, we have to leave the digital world forever.

Niki: Jack out.

merritt: Sorry, but Sukamon ruined it. We’re out. We gotta leave. We can probably just wrap, huh? We talked about Digimon a lot, but…

Nerium: We talked about Digimon a lot.

Niki: Yeah, we did talk about Digimon for quite a long time.

merritt: Digimon, it’s coming out. It’s new. It’s on trend.

Nerium: Is it?

merritt: Yeah.

Nerium: Oh, Survive.

merritt: Survive is coming out.

Niki: Now I have a game.

merritt: What’s up?

Nerium: Okay.

Niki: It’s called G Fuel or Gatorade flavor.

[music]

Niki: The first one is Riptide Rush.

merritt: That’s G Fuel.

Niki: merritt has buzzed in G Fuel. That is incorrect.

merritt: God damnit! [incorrect noise]

Niki: That’s a Gatorade.

merritt: Wait, really? What, Gatorade has flavors that sound like that?

Niki: Yeah, it’s purple.

merritt: I thought they were just blue and like green.

Niki: No, not anymore.

merritt: I didn’t know they have names.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Niki: Now they got names.

Nerium: Oh yeah, they really do.

Niki: Let’s see. Frost Glacier Freeze.

Nerium: Uh, Neremon? Nereade?

Niki: Neremon.

Nerium: Gatorade.

Niki: Yeah. [laughs] Yeah, Gatorade. Yeah, what’s up?

Nerium: Uh, Gatorade. [laughs]

Niki: Are you saying it’s Gatorade?

merritt: Now, is there a Gatormon? We gotta check if there’s a Gatormon real quick. Uh, here is not a Gatormon, but it did give me a fanfictional– okay, so there’s just a page on the Digimon Wiki that says, “Gatormon is a fanfictional Digimon in the form of an alligator. His name is not to be confused with Gatomon,” and there is no picture of– so they made up a Digimon but didn’t even draw it.

Jordan: But they did make a, uh…

merritt: A page for it.

Jordan: A Wiki page for it. Interesting.

Niki: Mm. Here’s the last one. Morbius Plasma. [quiet laughter]

Nerium: Oh, wow.

merritt: Shit. Oh man.

Nerium: That’s a G Fuel.

Niki: Yeah, it’s gonna be a G Fuel, yeah. [correct noise] You’re right. That is a G Fuel.

merritt: Plasmaaaa.

Nerium: Gatorade has standards. [laughter]

merritt: Plasmaaaa.

Nerium: I showed Fūnk-é that for the first time the other day, because I saw a clip of that old TV series where there’s like a 3D Spider-Man getting exploded [merritt: “Mm-hmm”] into like seven pieces in like a digital simulation.

Niki: Yes.

Nerium: And Fūnk-é was like, “Is that real? Did that show really look like that?” And I was like, “Yes, this is what Morbius looked like.” [laughs] And Fūnk-é’s like, “Ew! This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen! Why are his hands like that?”

Jordan: His weird octopus sucker hands.

merritt: His horrible hands.

Nerium: His horrible hands!

merritt: Yeah, ’cause he can’t drink blood, ’cause that would be violent. So let’s just give them awful separating skin sores, because that’s somehow less upsetting.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Nerium: So, there was– it was a much later Spider-Man series, but I think like Spectacular Spider-Man, which is a genuinely really good Spider-Man show that [merritt: “Mm-hmm”] was canceled when Disney got the rights to the animation again. It was very good, but the developers were– or the producers of it were out there talking about like, “Yeah, they wouldn’t let us use the word kill or die or blood, so we just had to like use other words, [merritt: “Mm-hmm”] but like, most of the time the other words were like way worse. And like, the other stuff that they made us do with these characters so that they weren’t technically killing people was just like way more horrifying.” It’s just like, oh yeah, Doc Ock is like going to rip open Peter Parker’s body and just like, “I’m going to eviscerate you and spill your guts out on the floor!” It’s just like, and that’s fine with the censors?

merritt: Just way more descriptive.

Nerium: And they were like, “Yeah.”

merritt: Yeah. Somehow that’s good.

Jordan: Look, you’re helping kids with their vocab words.

merritt: Yeah, no, that’s– yeah, it counts as educational at that point.

Nerium: Mm.

Jordan: They would do that shit with dubbed anime too.

merritt: Mm.

Jordan: The dub for Gundam Wing was different if you were watching it on Toonami versus when they would show it on Adult Swim later on.

merritt: Mm.

Nerium: Ohh.

Jordan: Any instance of the word “kill” was replaced with “destroy,” so.

Nerium: Oh.

merritt: “I’m going to send you into the next dimension!” That famous Dragon Ball, uh…that was what they did in Dragon Ball.

Niki: Oh, Goku coming to Fortnite.

merritt: Sorry?

Niki: Y’all coming back?

Nerium: What?

Niki: Are y’all coming back?

merritt: Yeah.

Niki: Goko coming to Fortnite [Nerium: “Breaking news?”] and the purple cat guy.

merritt: Beerus? You mean Beerus? The god of destruction?

Niki: Yeah, that guy’s coming to…

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: God, I wish I knew Chinese instead of this.

Niki: Yeah. Is there a girl Dragon Ball?

merritt: Hey, can I do the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but like, you know how like inventory management in like Resident Evil IV? Can I like delete knowing who Beerus is and replace it [Niki: “No”] with like functional Mandarin that I knew in my first year of college?

Niki: Not anymore.

merritt: God damnit.

Nerium: I mean, it’s like riding a bike, right? Like if you start learning it again, you’ll probably have a leg up.

merritt: Uhhh…

Jordan: All right, I’m googling “Goku Fortnite.”

merritt: Yeah, but who got time to ride a bike, you know?

Niki: Vegeta is the other guy’s name. [pronouncing like vegetable] Veg– Vegeta?

Nerium: Okay, so, Niki, do you know about this?

Niki: About Vegeta?

Nerium: About the names.

Niki: No.

Jordan: Niki is doing violence to me, and I want them to stop. [laughter]

merritt: Yeah, no, this is crimes against senior citizens, and… [laughter]

Nerium: Yeah, senior editors.

merritt: Niki, you’re going down for hate crimes against old fucks.

Niki: Is Vegeta Goku’s dad?

Jordan: Oh no.

Nerium: We have to leave.

merritt: I’m gonna reach through this monitor and eviscerate you just like Doctor Octopus. [laughter] Vegeta is the prince of all Saiyans, God!

Nerium: He’s named after the planet.

merritt: He’s named after his planet.

Nerium: Their home planet was called Vegeta.

merritt: Well, presumably…well, wait, actually I never really thought about this. Is the planet named after…

Jordan: Him?

Nerium: The planet must be…

merritt: Is the planet named after his dad or is his dad named after the planet?

Jordan: Oh.

Nerium: Was his dad named Vegeta too?

merritt: It’s probably like the family that like came to power was like, “We’re going to call the whole planet after us,” right?

Nerium: Maybe. Did they have surnames?

merritt: Did they have last names?

Nerium: Did Saiyans have surnames?

Jordan: Vegeta’s name was– Vegeta’s dad’s name was King Vegeta.

merritt: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know.

Nerium: King Vegeta? Okay.

merritt: And he looks different, ’cause he has a lil goatee.

Jordan: He’s got a goatee, yeah.

merritt: And he sucked at ???

Niki: Well, Goku and his friends Vegetable and Beero or whatever their names are are gonna be in the game.

merritt: Beerus! He’s a big cat monster.

Nerium: He’s great. He’s tired, and he just wants to nap all the time, but he likes food.

merritt: He’s fun.

Nerium: He’s fun. I like Beerus.

Merritt: They’re coming in seven weeks?

Niki: Yeah, it’s the longest collaboration fortnight’s ever done.

merritt: One of the auto suggests for if I search Beerus, like the fourth auto suggest on Chrome is “Beerus Fortnite,” so.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: Do they have models yet? Can you see what they look like?

Niki: Not yet, no. Shina, everyone’s favorite Twitter follow, ShinaBR has been going through the files and the bits and the bytes.

merritt: Oh. Now, it does–

Niki: And I guess it’s coming next week.

merritt: It is showing me like a character who they were like, “Oh, this is Beerus!” And it’s like, that’s just cat man. Not all cat mans are Beeruses, but all Beeruses are cat mans.

Jordan: That’s true.

Niki: I see.

Jordan: Crucially, he’s a hairless cat.

merritt: He’s a sphinx, yeah.

Jordan: Yeah.

Nerium: Yeah. He’s a big purple guy.

Jordan: Niki.

Niki: Yes.

Jordan: You’re gonna get one guess at this.

Niki: Okay. [merritt laughs]

Jordan: So make it count. If you can guess within three letters [Niki: “Okay”] the name of Vegeta’s brother, I will PayPal you $100. [laughter]

merritt: Oh, Jesus. I don’t even know this one.

Niki: Vegetable’s brother.

Jordan: You cannot Google it.

Niki: Okay. I don’t think it’s Cell, because– Cell’s the green guy, right? [others laugh]

Nerium: Cell’s the green guy.

Niki: Okay. So it’s not Cell.

Jordan: I mean, you could make an argument that Cell is Vegeta’s– you could make an argument that Cell is every character’s brother.

merritt: That’s true.

Niki: Is he made out of all their DNA?

merritt: Yeah, he is.

Jordan: Yeah. That’s his whole deal.

Nerium: Kinda, yeah.

Niki: Oh. Well, that’s cool. Okay, so Cell.

Nerium: He ate a bunch of people through his tail.

merritt: Oh, right. This guy. I forgot about this guy, ’cause I never watched any– the only movie I’ve seen in the last like 20 years of Dragon Ball is the Frieza Return of F one.

Jordan: That’s a bad one.

Niki: I’m gonna say…

merritt: That’s what?

Jordan: It’s a bad one.

merritt: The one that this is in?

Jordan: No, Return of F.

merritt: Oh. Eh, I kind of liked how Frieza was in hell. That was funny.

Jordan: I mean, that part’s cool. I just, the animation in that film is not great.

Nerium: Oh yeah. When they redid it as just like TV series, that was pretty good. Like, I liked that arc a lot. I love the implication that Frieza was like, “I’ve never trained a day in my life, so if I just do some pushups, I’ll be as strong as Goku.” [laughter]

Jordan: Yeah.

merritt: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Nerium: And he’s right!

Jordan: Which worked out. Yeah, it’s very funny.

merritt: All right. Niki, you’re never gonna get it.

Niki: Yeah, what is it?

Jordan: No, Niki, make your guess.

Niki: Oh, uh, I’m gonna say…Goku, Vegeta, okay. Sai…mm…what if his name is just Saiyan? What if his brother’s name is Saiyan? [merritt laughs] Is that it?

Jordan: Is that your guess?

Niki: That’s my guess, yeah.

Nerium: Final answer?

Jordan: That is incorrect.

Niki: Fuck.

Jordan: Vegeta’s brother’s name is Tarble.

Niki: Fuck you. [laughs]

merritt: Get it? Vege-tarble?

Nerium: Okay, now–

Niki: Tarble?

Nerium: Vege-tarble, yeah.

Niki: Oh my God. [laughs]

merritt: Vegeta Tarble, vegetable.

Jordan: Yeah.

Niki: Vegetable.

merritt: Also, hey, apparently at some point Dragon Ball did add midi-chlorians.

Niki: Oh, word?

merritt: I didn’t realize this, but apparently they did add midi-chlorians at some point.

Nerium: What?

merritt: They added something called S-Cells, which is how people turn into Super Saiyans.

Jordan: Mm…oh, yeah. I remember this.

merritt: Which is incredibly stupid.

Jordan: Yeah. In Super, there’s a very brief retcon of how going Super Saiyan works. You can– but only some Saiyans, only the Saiyans from Universe 8 seem to know about it.

Nerium: Oh, it’s a different universe thing? [merritt sighs in exasperation]

Jordan: I think so, because Vegeta meets a Saiyan from a different– from one of the other universes during the inter-universe tournament arc, and–

Nerium: Right.

merritt: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Nerium: Who are all like, they’re like Saiyans, but they’re all like five feet tall and like, they look like children for some reason.

merritt: Yeah.

Jordan: They’re all young for– yeah.

merritt: And then Vegeta says he’s gonna massacre the guy’s family so that he gets mad enough to turn into a Super Saiyan or something.

Jordan: Yeah, yeah. So like, Vegeta– so like, earthlings, right, and Vegeta are Universe 7 Saiyans. They still think that getting really mad is the way to do it.

merritt: Mm.

Jordan: And apparently that still works. But later on in that same arc, that kid is teaching other Saiyans how to go Super Saiyan, and he’s like, yeah, there’s a spot in the small– like in your back, between your shoulder blades.

Nerium: Yeah, you flex this part of your back, yeah.

Jordan: Just focus all your junk in there, and you’ll do it.

merritt: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Jordan: And it works.

Nerium: For the Universe 8 people, eh, you know.

Jordan: Yeah.

Nerium: Different.

Jordan: Different strokes.

merritt: So that’s the Dragon Ball moment. [Nerium laughs] Also, I did just find a picture of Goku and Vegeta with beards, and it is very funny.

Jordan: Oh yeah, that does happen. It’s real good.

merritt: ‘Cause you get beards if you…’cause it takes you a long-ass time to grow a beard, but they still do it.

Jordan: Were they in like the Hyperbolic Time Chamber or something?

merritt: They’re in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, yeah.

Jordan: Yeah.

Nerium: Remember when Trunks kisses Mai in Trunks’s original timeline in Super, and then Goku is like, “What the hell is that?”

Jordan: Yeah.

Nerium: [laughs] And Vegeta is like, “What the fuck do you mean, ‘What the hell is that’?”

Jordan: Yeah, he’s like, “You put your mouth on her mouth? What are you doing?” [laughs]

Nerium: And then Vegeta’s like, “You’re married and have children!” [laughs]

Jordan: It’s very funny.

merritt: Yeah, no, it is canon that [Nerium: “Goku’s never kissed”] Goku doesn’t know where children come from. [laughter]

Niki: Wait, but how did he make them?

merritt: That’s a great question that we are just never gonna answer.

Niki: Oh.

Nerium: Just not gonna talk about it.

Niki: Immaculate conception.

Jordan: Yep.

merritt: He was asleep, maybe?

Niki: Mm, well…

merritt: Which raises some kind of troubling questions about Chi-Chi.

Nerium: Questions about Chi-Chi. I mean, it’s also possible that he had sex without ever kissing.

merritt: Or he’s just been hit in the head so many times that he just forgot.

Nerium: Yeah.

Jordan: Yeah.

merritt: That’s possible. I mean, he’s died like six times, so.

Jordan: They’ve definitely kissed though, right? Like, on camera?

Nerium: Yeah. In like Dragon Ball, I think, even.

Jordan: Yeah, in Dragon Ball, ’cause he fights Chi-Chi in one of those tournament arcs, right?

Nerium: Yeah. Back when Chi-Chi was cool, yeah.

merritt: There’s no way of knowing.

Nerium: God, Chi-Chi fucking got a raw deal.

Jordan: Chi-Chi got a raw deal.

merritt: Well, folks. Before we get into a whole thing about how Dragon Ball Z [Nerium laughs] was just a weird, uh…

Niki: Oh, yeah, what if we got into a whole thing about Dragon Ball? [Nerium laughs]

Jordan: What if.

merritt: Before we get into whole thing about how it was just like, it was a kind of a big mistake, and even though it’s a cultural juggernaut and like great and everything, it represents a move away from the foundations of the original series and it’s just all about Saiyans punching each other instead of fun hijinks and things like that, we should get out of here.

Jordan: Look, if you want fun hijinks, read Dr. Slump.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: That’s true.

Nerium: You can read Dr. Slump.

merritt: That’s true.

Nerium: Or…

merritt: Whatsername can canonically beat Vegeta ‘cause she uses gag anime physics.

Jordan: Arale?

merritt: Yeah.

Nerium: Mm-hmm.

Jordan: Arale, yeah. There was a fan patch within the last couple of years of that. Dr. Slump PS1 game that never got localized.

Nerium: Oh! Huh.

Jordan: It’s really cool. I watched VTuber Maroony– shoutouts to Maroony. I watched her play through it.

merritt: So we are now talking about– I mean, if Niki doesn’t know about Dragon Ball, then they certainly don’t know about Dr. Slump, so.

Nerium: Okay, so YuYu Hakusho is a nineties–

merritt: Okay, we have to leave. We have to go.

Nerium: [laughs] He’s a spirit detective.

Niki: Oh, wait, no, that’s the new show on Netflix, right?

Nerium: Mm-hmm.

merritt: That is the– yeah, it’s just coming out.

Nerium: They’re making a live action version.

merritt: It’s totally new. No one’s ever done it before. They’re like, “What if we made a YuYu Hakusho?” And everyone’s like, “I don’t know, man. It’s never been done.” [Nerium laughs]

Jordan: The spirit detective?

merritt: The spirit detective? Who’s that?

Jordan: That YuYu Hakusho?

merritt: What, you’re making a game based on the Super Nintendo ROM that I downloaded– [laughter] or a show based on the Super Nintendo ROM that I downloaded in like 1998? Okay.

Jordan: Whoever they cast as, um…what’s his name?

merritt: Hiei?

Jordan: Hiei?

merritt: Oh, no, the pompadour guy?

Jordan: Yeah, pompadour guy? What’s that guy’s name?

Nerium: Oh, Kuwabara?

Jordan: Kuwabara. Whoever they cast as Kuwabara, they gotta just dub him with the original US…

Merritt: [imitating] I’m Kuwabara. Hey, I sound like this.

Jordan: Yeah.

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: You have to go back in time– invent time travel to find that kind of guy whose voice no longer exists in the ecosystem. You have to go back in time to the early nineties and get–

Jordan: That guy’s still alive, for sure, right?

merritt: There’s no way that guy, whoever does those voices is still alive.

Jordan: They got him for Comic Jumper.

merritt: No, no. Crucially, he may still be alive, but I don’t think he can do that voice anymore.

Jordan: Oh, okay.

merritt: I don’t think–

Niki: That’s what I thought about Phil LaMarr, but Phil LaMarr has the exact same– he’s been playing teenage boy on child’s cartoon program for 30 years.

merritt: I mean, so has, uh…

Niki: So maybe that guy’s still alive.

merritt: So has Yeardley Smith.

Jordan: I think the shelf life on a voice like that guy had, though, is a lot shorter.

merritt: I think it shortens your lifespan every time you do it.

Jordan: Yeah. [laughter]

Nerium: Wait, was…

merritt: Also that type of guy just doesn’t exist anymore. It’s…

Nerium: Wait, is it…?

Jordan: What?

Nerium: Is it just Christopher Sabat?

Jordan: No, there’s no way that Chris Sabat was originally Kuwabara.

Nerium: Maybe not original. Maybe this is a later dub?

merritt: It’s Chris Sabat and Russell Wait. Those were the two guys.

Jordan: It’s gotta be Russell Wait, then.

merritt: Um…

Jordan: Because Chris Sabat would be the modern–

Niki: What is he gonna wait for?

Jordan: Whatever the modern rerelease Funimation dub is, right?

merritt: I don’t know.

Nerium: Right. Okay, there was a 2002…

merritt: No, I don’t know, because Chris Sabat also did– I’m pretty sure he also did Yajirobe who kind of sounds like that too.

Jordan: Not the original, not the ocean dub Yajirobe, though.

merritt: I don’t know. We can’t get into this.

Jordan: Which would have been contemporary.

merritt: This is a whole other thing.

Nerium: We played one game today. [laughs]

merritt: We played one. No, we did two. We did the soda one also.

Niki: Yeah, we did G–

Nerium: Oh, yeah.

merritt: G Fuel…

Niki: Yeah, G Fuel or Gatorade.

Jordan: No, we did four, because y’all, uh, whatever game I did at the beginning and then Niki guessing…

merritt: Niki guessed what Vegeta’s brother’s name was.

Niki: Oh, yeah.

merritt: So this is actually the most games we have ever done. [laughter] So with that, we are gonna duck out on this one. Thank you so much for listening to our show. If you want to follow us online, you can do that at @fanbytemedia on Twitter. Jordan, our producer, is @jordan_mallory. Nerium is @nerium_strom? Or just, or no underscore?

Nerium: No, just @neriumstrom.

merritt: @neriumstrom. Niki is @godsewa. I’m @merrittk. Fanbyte, just go to fanbyte.com. Click around, have some fun. Anything else?

Nerium: Keep a tab open and just stare at it for a while.

merritt: Yeah.

Jordan: Yeah, just leave it open.

merritt: Its secrets will be revealed to you in time.

Jordan: In time.

merritt: Yeah.

Niki: Try the Konami code on the website.

merritt: Oh man, try that! Remember that on Google, when Google did that? And it made a thing happen?

Nerium: We should do that. I’ll talk to Ivan.

merritt: There are websites where you could do that in like the 2000s, [Jordan: “Mm-hmm”] and everyone thought it was so cool.

Nerium: I’ve been talking to the designers a lot. I’ve been in three meetings today before this. So four, if you count this recording. So I’ve, you know, I kind of have the top view of everything that’s going on at the website.

merritt: Yeah.

Nerium: And I’m pretty sure it’d be pretty easy for Ivan to just kind of… [clicks tongue]

Jordan: Do that.

Nerium: Knock that out.

Jordan: Knock that out.

merritt: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jordan: Here’s something that the listener could do for me, your hardworking producer, sweet little baby Jordo.

merritt: Mm-hmm.

Jordan: If you want to do me a personal favor, tell a friend about this show or any other show on the network.

merritt: Yeah.

Jordan: Just be like, “Hey, I love this show. You should listen to it sometime,” and give them a link.

Nerium: Admittedly, that Dragon Ball episode, not their best work, [all laugh] but if you go back a few episodes before that…

Jordan: Yeah. Don’t recommend this one. Recommend a previous episode or a later episode, but word of mouth really, honestly, is the best thing that you can do to help promote the show. We are owned by a very large corporation but actually have very few resources for like disseminating–

Nerium: Goofing around? Oh.

Jordan: Yeah, like. [laughs] No, for–

Nerium: [laughs] I thought you meant like doing creative projects. Got it, got it.

Jordan: No, no, no, no, no, no. We have a ton of creative freedom here, but like, with a network of our size, the most–

merritt: We don’t have promo money.

Nerium: Yeah. Absolutely not.

Jordan: Right. The most useful thing still is word of mouth. And if you wanted to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, you could do that.

merritt: Yeah, wouldn’t say no.

Niki: It’s free.

Jordan: It’s free to do that.

merritt: It is.

Jordan: You can say whatever the fuck you want in there.

merritt: It doesn’t cost you anything.

Jordan: Yeah.

merritt: Except time, which is the only currency that matters in my reboot of the classic Justin Timberlake film…I don’t remember what that was called.

Nerium: The Island.

Niki: The Island.

merritt: No, no, no. The other one.

Nerium: The Boat? The Beach.

Niki: Just in Time?

merritt: Was he even in it? The one where you have the clock?

Nerium: In Time?

merritt: You have that watch?

Nerium: Yeah.

merritt: That has the time left?

Nerium: Yeah, that’s Justin Timberlake.

merritt: Yeah, what’s the movie called?

Nerium: In Time.

Niki: Just In Time!

merritt: In Time?

Nerium: No, it’s In Time, not Just in Time.

merritt: But Justin Timberlake was in time.

Nerium: Right.

merritt: No, he was in In Time.

Nerium: Just in In Time.

merritt: Okay, yeah.

Niki: He was in In Time.

merritt: Okay, well–

Jordan: Justin time-berlake.

merritt: All right. Well, that’s the name of the episode. We did it. We got there. [laughter]

Jordan: No, I’ve already got Phoebemon Bridgers Mode or Tamagotchi Pet Sematary. [laughter]

merritt: Okay, those are both better. Okay, fair enough.

Nerium: Can we– I’ll talk to Ivan, and we can get some A/B testing on this. [laughs]

Niki: Yeah.

merritt: Yeah, exactly. All right. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time, hey, don’t make your Agumon evolve into SkullGreymon. It’s not worth it. And keep that dial tuned to Channel F.