Just last month, I wrote about Final Fantasy XIV‘s English localization team going viral over their sense of humor for the umpteenth time. They’re clearly the kind of team composed of members eager to outdo themselves, considering they’re already going viral again for their funny inclusions in the latest Ishgard Restoration patch.
The Ishgard Restoration is Final Fantasy XIV’s currently ongoing endgame content for crafters and gatherers. By participating in the Ishgardian Restoration, Disciples of the Hand and Land are reconstructing the Firmament, a district in Foundation that is still in the process of recovering from the events of the Dragonsong War, which occurred in the game’s first expansion, Heavensward. This past week’s patch updated the project, bringing with it a slew of new items with the team’s signature cursed descriptions.
And there are… so many. There are so many good ones. They’re so good that they’re bad; bad that they’re good. I’ll walk through some of my favorites, like the description for the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Bed.
are.. ishgardians okay pic.twitter.com/XsBXtVxP4K
— ? Rai @ House Fortemps Knight 5.3 Spoilers (@RaiPhantom) September 8, 2020
“Bed, bedder, bedst,” reads the item description. “Never let it rest. ‘Til your bed is bedder, and your bedder bedst.”
There’s also the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Holy Water, included in the same thread by Twitter user RaiPhantom, which states: “Believed to cure zombification. Grade 3 is claimed to grant a full recovery, whereas grade 2 only delays the onset of the symptoms, and grade 1 merely replaces the need to feast on the flesh of the living with a craving for copious amounts of bacon.” Like I said in the title: unhinged.
I find the description for the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Mesail to be hilarious because it’s so pointless. It has such huge “???” energy. “This would be perfect for protecting one’s eyes from flying sparks while performing metalwork — the task it was primarily designed for — were it not for the large eyeholes,” says the description. On the opposite end of the usefulness spectrum is apparently the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Cookpot, which can be used, “as a makeshift bathtub by Lalafells.”
LMFAO OK NA LOCALIZATION TEAM I SEE YOU pic.twitter.com/iAMCpaiJ2m
— Sam (@Kossuel) September 8, 2020
I really don’t think I need to explain the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Hemp. It speaks for itself.
Following in its footsteps (and in the thread by Twitter user Kossuel) are items like the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Sesame, which is “not only a useful plant, but the mere mention of its name is believed to open many doors in a very literal sense.” There’s the Grade 3 Artisanal Skybuilders’ Log, which, “before the skybuilders and their bizarre naming conventions, it was simply…log.” And it’d be criminal to leave out the description for the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Ore, which reveals that the first miner to discover it called it “extra-ore-dinary,” before being met “with a chorus of groans from her peers.”
— Pascal tempered by Squonk (@elezens) September 8, 2020
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i forgot about crafting pic.twitter.com/SXiW0RkgfQ
— Sam (@Kossuel) September 8, 2020
Some of the descriptions make use of wild dark humor, too. For example, the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Stew is said to “contain ingredients with names other than ‘dunno’ or ‘not sure, but it was definitely dead when I threw it in.'” The Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Soap, when wet, is touted as ideal for strategic floor placement in order to “form a makeshift death trap for offing heiresses and the like.” And the Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Nails are your friends if you’re an adventurer on a tight budget, for “even a simple table leg can be transformed into a deadly bludgeon by hammering a few of these nails into the end.”
I KNOW WE GO OVER THIS EVERY ISHGARDIAN RESTORATION UPDATE BUT WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE TWELVE IS WRONG WITH ISHGARD pic.twitter.com/gJU741LhDR
— akademiafuckinganyder.edu ? (@cleignewheat) September 8, 2020
The item descriptions themselves aren’t the only unhinged things. A new piece of lore about the people of Ishgard has particularly resonated with the community. It’s provided through the Approved Grade 3 Skybuilders’ Finest Rock Salt, which states that, “many people prefer to keep chunks whole so that they may be used as ‘salt rocks.’ These are placed in the center of the dining table so that anyone who feels their meal is lacking in saltiness can simply lick it and carry on with their meal.” Naturally, the passionate community quickly responded to this with enthusiasm, creating drawings and memes as soon as possible.
— ?pearihn? (@Sabadoodle) September 9, 2020
— Vince (@AerospaceCowboy) September 10, 2020
I won’t say that this new piece of lore made me look at my salt rock lamp and consider licking it. But I won’t say that it didn’t do that, either. I just miss Aymeric, whom we haven’t seen since the Stormblood expansion, and this is how I can feel connected to him, alright?