Before long, you too will be able to exercise while wearing full business casual and/or working ranch attire while your friends and family look on, thanks to the power of the Nintendo Switch and this new hoop thing that Nintendo just revealed.
Nintendo calls the below trailer “a first look at a new experience for Nintendo Switch,” and says that further information will be revealed next Thursday, Sept. 12. So until then, we’re left to our own devices to infer what this thing is supposed to be, how it works, and what the point is. As seen in the trailer, it looks like one joy-con slots into this pilates ring thing, and the other joy-con straps to your inner thigh like a garter belt. From that point, the user does a bunch of squeezing, wiggling, flexing, and posing, all of which is portrayed as a fun group activity for you and your well-dressed group of friends.
Except for that lady in Paris, I guess. She’s the only person in this trailer who isn’t performing for an audience. Is this by choice? Has her support network abandoned her, disgusted by this caligulan display that melds supple flesh and hungry technology? Or were they never there to begin with? She looks pretty happy though, not at all like a person whose life is devoid of trust and kinship. Maybe she has thrown them out, instead of the other way around. Maybe she has forsaken her husband and baby, in favor of the intense pleasures that await in her new life as a Nintendo Switch Ring Bearer.
Whatever this thing is, it won’t be Nintendo’s first jaunt into the world of personal fitness. Wii Fit (and its accompanying Wii Balance Board) was enormously successful, but beyond that, it was also, like, actually helpful? It wasn’t just a fun toy for people who were already active, it was also a useful personal health tool for the physically inactive, and for people in physical rehabilitation situations or with other medical needs. Wii Fit was dope and good, y’all.
But back to this new thing, being powered by joy-cons could be a double-edged sword. Joy-cons applied directly to a limb will probably do a lot of good for helping the software accurately track the position of the body, but a joy-con isn’t able to acquire as much information about the body as a whole — you can’t stand on a joy-con to track your weight on a daily basis, or calculate your body mass index, for instance.
Then again, that might not be what Nintendo is after here, so it may be unfair to compare this thing to the company’s previous fitness gear. For all we know, these people aren’t actually working out for the enormous enjoyment of their book club, but are instead playing a new Samba De Amigo or Para Para Paradise or something. Maybe all of these people are enjoying Bayonetta 3, thanks to the ingenious design and flexibility of the Nintendo Hoop & Leg. We’ll find out next week.