The plush, purple Gengar armchair is a real piece of Pokémon merchandise you can buy right now. Assuming you live in Japan, of course The already-pricey piece of kitsch goes for $226 USD and is sold by Japanese retailer Cellutane. Though they’re not directly shipping it to the United States yet. Apropos of completely nothing, Gengar tongues are about a foot wide and can extend up to several meters.
Thoughtful readers may point out that “several meters” is more than they require from any face on which they might choose to sit. As it’s designed, however, Gengar’s anticipatory grin is positioned to smoosh directly into the small of a person’s back as they recline. The extra surface area would be critical to comfortably reach around, under, and perhaps beyond to twist, plunge, and otherwise manipulate as necessary. The equipment you bring to the exchange will vary.
I could also direct readers to some of the image boards I frequent — many of which I’ve noticed host at least a few illustrations of Kaa from The Jungle Book — but that might finally, actually get me fired. So instead I’ll just remind you about another piece of Gengar merchandise (pictured left) featured earlier this year: the Gengar mouth pillow with an expandable tongue. Whoever directed this model to assume this pose knew exactly what they were doing for some people. As I’m sure do the people involved with the Gengar chair.
Ask yourself: Why else, out of the I assume thousand-plus Pokémon we’ve encountered to date, would the creators of this chair specifically choose to base it on the guy with the perpetual ahegao?
The armrests are also notably low and sloped enough for one to comfortably assume the “cool teacher sit.” You may already recognize a variation of this technique, as demonstrated by Captain America in his much-memed scene from Spider-Man: Homecoming. Combined with the forward motion and confidence of a “Riker sit,” this would provide Gengar and his big, damp dipper with much more classical access to the crotch. Unfortunately, the ardor of the direct face-press is still lost for both parties.
As much as you may want it to be, however, this is not a pull-out couch in any sense of the phrase. That seems like a bit of a missed opportunity, but the GameFreaks out there have made due with less over the years. It probably wouldn’t even be that hard to combine the tongue pillow with the similar proportioned chair to create a true love seat. You’d just need to get your hands and/or thighs around one first. That doesn’t seem easy, as the furniture is currently going for a pretty penny via resellers at the moment.
I’ll leave the logistics up to you. I paused from writing actual pornography to pen this very serious investigation of the (hypothetically) ass-eating Gengar at 7 p.m. on a Wednesday in response to this challenge against our honor by The Verge reporter, Ash Parrish. I’m gonna get back to that while you ponder what to do with all this information.