ESRB Rating Says Cyberpunk 2077 Lets You Fiddle With Your Diddle

If you are my parents please do not read this post.

The Entertainment Software Rating Board has issued its preliminary judgement of CD Projekt Red’s forthcoming futuristic action adventure blockbuster, Cyberpunk 2077, and in doing so has revealed some previously unknown details regarding the game’s suite of character customization options. Specifically, players will be able to give their character the fully personalized bepis, vajaybo, pebis, pachislo, and/or bongo dingus of their dreams.

“The game contains nudity and sexual material,” according to the ESRB’s Rating Summary. “Players can select a gender and customize their character; customization can include depictions of breasts, buttocks, and genitalia, as well as various sizes and combinations of genitals.”

Yes folk, you read that correctly. “Various sizes and combinations” of customizable genitalia. The mind positively bristles with possibilities. Is it unnecessary? Absolutely. Will its implementation be overtly sexualized and gross? Almost certainly. And yet, this is the first thing that anyone has said about Cyberpunk 2077 that genuinely piques my interest. What are the limitations of this system? Do I start with a “standard” option (fake idea, btw) and then work from there, or is there some kind of foundational Ur Genital from which to extrude my own variations? How many protrusions am I limited to? Entrances? Exits?

Star Trek
Are there options for layering? Can I go for complete minimalism and have a cloaca? Can it be prehensile if I want, or double-jointed? Are there options for RGB lighting effects? Will Cyberpunk 2077 feature an in-game companion app to help me manage and maintain my brand-new King Ghidorah? What if I’m not getting the performance that I expected from my chromed-out squiggle’s supercharged intake valves? Will I have access to performance telemetry? Can I test out new modifications in a wind tunnel before applying them? Is liquid cooling an option?

Is my new blooper limited to the placement options available in real life, or can my character experience a world of pleasure and utility heretofore unknown by humans, thanks to the advent of some kind of shoulder-mounted genitalia platform? What if I want an End of Evangelion situation involving the palms of my hands and my forehead? Can I have two butts — the traditional arrangement plus a second, even wobblier one up front — and no genitals at all? Are there options for fully retractable and/or internalized configurations? Can I put a USB-C port on the end so I can charge my damn phone? What finishes are available, aside from the aforementioned chrome? Can I opt for carbon fiber inner fins but keep the enamel finish on the outer ones?

And hell, we haven’t even started to talk about sound options. You know I’m gonna want a standard headphone jack, I don’t care what anybody says about the quality of Bluetooth audio, it’s just not there yet. What options do I have for integrating my own sound effects? Can I just slot in an SD card with some ogg vorbis files or do I have to use some kind of proprietary app store? If so, can I pay someone to have them jailbreak my bingle-bongle? This is Cyberpunk 2077 after all, there’s bound to be all sorts of illegal black market diplo enhancements. Can I use it to mine cryptocurrencies when it’s not doing other stuff? I have so many questions.

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Jordan Mallory

Jordan Mallory has spent more than a decade in the games industry and is now severely ill-equipped to work in other fields as a result. Right now he's eating generic Frosted Flakes out of a red party cup and wondering why he chose to rewrite his bio at 5:31 a.m.

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