BioWare Made Kaidan Alenko Merch Again and it’s Not Even My Birthday

Kiss the cook.

For the past 14 years, it’s been hard out there if you’re a Kaidan Alenko fan in the Mass Effect fandom. Not only was the man the subject of a years-long smear campaign by people who thought racism was preferable to relative emotional stability, but because the way his relationship was charted in the first game, the cards were dealt in a way where a majority of Mass Effect players didn’t see the man turn out to be one of the best-written characters across the trilogy. As such, BioWare hasn’t been as kind to him when it came to official merchandise while characters like Liara T’Soni and Garrus Vakarian have been the subject of a lot of what BioWare has put on its own store. However, he’s gotten a few good shirts, a hoodie (which I’ve been wearing as pajamas for years at this point), and a lithograph that’s still hanging up in my office to this day. Well now, Mass Effect: Legendary Edition has meant we’re getting another round of merchandise for the original trilogy, and Kaidan’s first piece of merchandise is…kitchen towels.

The $15 set went up today on the BioWare Store, and while the idea might sound odd to some, the towel set has quotes referencing a scene in Mass Effect 3’s “Citadel” DLC (pictured above), where Kaidan cooks for Commander Shepard. Kaidan’s cooking seems untrained in my version of that scene, but that’s because he’s distracted by me, his boyfriend, being hotter than the stove he’s not paying attention to. But apparently Kaidan’s less-than-stellar cooking is a universal concept, regardless of whether or not he’s shacking up with his CO.

It’s been years at this point since I last was able to buy something that represented my favorite Mass Effect boy. So yeah, maybe I did already buy the towel set before I started writing this. And yes, maybe I am hoping that it will result in more Kaidan merch in the future. The girls and the gays need another body pillow, BioWare. Pride Month can be a Pride Year if you put the Biotic Bae on a pillow case. You’re clearly in tune with what the audience wants, and your extremely horny, double entendre-ridden store listing acknowledges these towels are versatile. So just do it. You know at least I will buy it.

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Anyway, for more Mass Effect, check out our review of the Legendary Edition, as well as an extensive write-up on the state of queer representation in the franchise.