Micro-Review: Moons of Madness’ Crappy Space-Gym

Beware cosmic horror and terrible fitness rooms.

Moons of Madness is a cool sci-fi/horror game about a Mars base and its crew going a little… cosmically mad. It’s a classic “something went wrong on this here space-base,” but frankly, I have a hypothesis. While I’m still only a few hours into the game, and have not discovered the canonical cause of the crew’s terrifying visions, it certainly can’t help that all these poor folks have for recreation is a bunch of chess boards, some crappy movies, and this tiny little space-gym.

Unlike the sleek and modern facilities onboard the station in Tacoma, or the gorgeously appointed gyms in Prey’s Talos IV and Pytheas Moon base, Madness’ greets you with some dingy towels and… hey, is that a blood stain near the plants? Gross.

Moons of Madness Towels
All images Courtesy Funcom

The treadmill and free weight area seems, ok, I guess, if you like dank corners.

Moons of Madness Treadmill

Oh, now, hey, this bike area seems alright.

Moons of Madness Exercise Bike

Oh, wait. Until you realize it’s facing the opposite way from the outer window, so all you can do is basically flash your swamp-ass at the rest of the crew in the galley/living room while you face the dank treadmill corner. Woof.

(The gym in) Moons of Madness

5.9

Well, it's not great, but it's better than nothing.

Pros
  • It’s exercise, in space!
  • Still better than most hotel gyms
Cons
  • Dark, scary, probably smells like old feet
  • Not the best place to hide from any elder gods, and no, Declan, your biceps won’t impress them either
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