Welcome to Would I Work Out There (WIWOT) — a column where I, a professed fitness freak — take a look at the virtual gyms in video games and answer that pressing question: would I, in fact, break a sweat and do a little work in this space. You can read all the installments here.
Today we’ll look at the gorgeous little corporate gym in Hitman 2’s iconic Miami level, located at the headquarters of Kronstadt, a tech firm with a race car division, fielding one of the teams at the core event of the level. The stage is sprawling, even for a Hitman map, with all the accoutrements of a major F1-style race event (stands, VIP party suites, pit areas and garages for the cars), as well as a behemoth corporate center for Kronstadt to develop its cars, and other technology, including killer androids!
The targets are Robert Knox, the head of the company, and Sierra Knox, his daughter and one of the winning drivers. There are, naturally, so very many ways to dispatch them, and, in true Hitman fashion, they are both awful people. But our target is a more elusive one. It’s a search for the perfect place to work out, to crush those goals, to push our quads and glutes and delts to the max.
Our target is this sun-drenched little room here on the Kronstadt roof.
No one is working out here during the mission (though, outdoors in the marina area, there are a number of runners and other fitness enthusiasts getting sweaty!), so we can take our sweet time evaluating the equipment. There’s a lot of natural light, and the space appears pretty airy, despite being relatively compact. There’s a treadmill area, a space for bikes, a free weight rack and general fitness area (complete with bands and… a hidden battle axe!), and an overall clean, generic, corporate vibe.
Susan from accounting goes here for her hot 35 on the bike every morning, Chadwick almost certainly does too many bicep curls while taking a “power lunch,” wearing shorts that are just a hair on the tighter side, and John from engineering enjoys a brisk jog from his couch-to-5k program at precisely 5:15 every evening, before he goes back to tweak a few things on the ol’ engine schematics. Or whatever.
It is fairly empty in-game, but, one gets the sense that that’s just because everyone is on duty during the race. This place is packed in the mornings and during the lunch hour.
I’ve weighed the pros and cons below, but it’s time I make my decision.
Would I Work Out Here?
Yes, of course I would. I’ve worked out in movie theaters, airports, train stations, my college ex’s bathroom (don’t ask). This place is pretty soulless (much like Kronstadt itself), but it doesn’t look like it’ll get me sick or get me killed (unless I play with the battle axe, and poorly). I’d probably just go right ahead and take my little tablet with my peloton app and do a ride right here. Then I’d enjoy a cool, corporate towel on my forehead.
The fitness center in Hitman 2's Miami level
A very nice, sunny place to work out, but it could use a bit of character. It also has a battle axe, which is fun.
- Looks clean, probably smells pretty good
- Decent mix of equipment, all of which appears well-maintained
- No one is grunting and throwing weights
- Soulless! I like a gym to have at least a little hint of personality or flair
- They probably play godawful music in here, at least when Chadwick works out. And you KNOW he sings along