In Darkest Dungeon’s world of flesh-eating ghouls, insectoid vampires, and ominous narration, your horoscope is the least of your worries. But while my dwindling band of heroes were off defeating evil and/or succumbing to madness, I was sat wondering what the stars had to say about their latest afflictions. So, before we pack our collection of traumatised misfits off to the mountains in Darkest Dungeon 2, here’s how they match up to the 12 signs of the zodiac. You’re welcome.
Clearly, nobody ever told Aries that confidence is a slow and insidious killer. Just like the Hellion, an Aries is likely to leap into action first and ask questions later. Their energy is more infectious than a Fungal Scratcher, which makes them a fun addition to any good party. Just don’t get on their bad side, or you could find yourself at the wrong end of a wicked hack.
Taurus: Grave Robber
The Grave Robber is a girl who knows what she wants and goes for it. That same spirit is true of Taurus signs, who make up 99.9% of those people who want to eat the 5,000 year old tomb cheese. Any Taurians reading this can learn from the Grave Robber’s mistakes: try not to get so obsessed with riches and luxury that you end up crawling through monster infested dungeons in search of them.
Jester might seem like a silly kind of guy, but beneath that mask lies a heart full of deadly cunning. The same can be true of Gemini. It’s not all bad, though. Just like Jester’s versatility makes him an excellent character, Gemini’s spirit means that no matter what crazy adventures they drag you into, you’ll be having fun.
Cancerians have this awful habit of bottling up their emotions until they burst out of their skin and inflict stress damage on everyone around them. They might be messy — in every sense of the word — but both Cancer and the Abomination are great team players who will back you right up until the bitter end.
Leos are strong, determined types who are more than happy to defend their friends and their cause. The trouble is that they can also be a little self-righteous, and that’s when we stray into Crusader territory. Refusing to party up with someone who doesn’t match their stringent values is classic Leo behaviour. Remember how glad we were when that was patched out? Yep. There’s a thin line between determination and plain old stubbornness.
In any given group of people, the Virgo is the one at the back trying to clear up everyone else’s mess. Vestal is a pretty irreplaceable part of the team, but that means that, like Virgo, she takes more stress damage over time than anyone else. Despite their caring natures, both Vestal and Virgo are capable of standing up for themselves and dishing out some damage if they feel you really deserve it.
Libras naturally avoid conflict, and if you’ve ever been stuck with an Antiquarian on your team you know that they should probably do the same. Balance is nice, but the Antiquarian is just a bit too wishy washy to be viable. Sorry, Libra, but when the going gets tough you need to pick a specialism and stick to it.
You know exactly what I’m getting at here, Scorpio. While most people run from danger, you embrace it. Like the Flagellant, Scorpio is an expert at weaponizing their suffering. Unfortunately, if they get too enraptured with their own drama they end up dragging everyone else into it.
Look. Sagittarius has arrows, Arbalest has arrows — what more do I need to say? But the resemblance between these two is more than superficial. Arbalest’s nice movement skills are reflected in Sagittarius’ unbeatable energy. As a fire sign you can count on Sagittarius to bring the heat, and the same is true of Arbalest — who brings big damage at the cost of being restricted to the back row.
Darkest Dungeon’s deepest lore reveals that the Highwayman is a man with hidden depths. The same is true of Capricorn. While these hidden traits are often misinterpreted as being two-faced, the truth is that like the Highwayman, Capricorn likes to keep their private ambitions well under wraps.
Frankly, I can’t believe that Aquarians don’t sit around reading dusty tomes and summoning eldritch abominations in real life. We all know an Aquarius who thinks communing with dark and impossible forces around the campfire is a good night. They’re trying hard to get along with everyone, but finding something normal to talk about can seem harder than getting your Occultist to heal more than 0.
It’s hard to say whether Pisces is more like Master or Hound. On the one hand they’re as loyal as any puppy, but on the other, they really need a big tough friend to shield them from the horrors of the world. Like the Houndmaster, Pisces can be over reliant on their best friends, but in return for your undying loyalty they’ll bring you love, peace, and a lot of slobbery kisses. Aww.